Unraveling

I have so many thoughts, and as each day passes, I feel as if I am unraveling more and more, becoming more emotional. Starting to lose it! Emotionally, and mentally! I feel physically on auto pilot, just pushing through the motions, but allowing myself permission to allow these emotions to come through.

Negative thoughts of myself and the perception of who I am… I am starting to question every part of it! Every part of me. My past, my actions, hell, my future, my emotions, and self-doubt. Of course, I understand that I am my worst critic and I continually beat myself up over, nothing. Self bullshit! What is happening to me? Why are these feelings getting stronger and stronger? As I write these words, tears are filling my eyes! I feel as if “something” is starting to surface. Perhaps it is as Brian states. Ancestorial baggage? Realization that I, myself am not being true to my core. I too realize that I am still wearing a mask. Not all the time but am starting to understand that the true essence of who I am is bubbling through.

Let’s be real about my career choice. I understand that I make a great Controller in the right environment. I am a control freak! Yes, I’ll admit it. As I say that though, I realize, that over the course of the past few years… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hate Accounting and I just don’t think I want to do it anymore! I can be mean at times. I can be selfish at times. Some, most days… I don’t care about others! Where is the humanity in that? Conditioning of the trauma I endured in always on the lookout for my best interest. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want to act. I want to change. I need to make that change, for me! How, and in what way? These are all great questions. Questions that I feel that my deepest thoughts and vibrational energy is shining through to my core. My soul is bubbling through, and it is starting to, maybe has been resonating through, and NOW, finally… I think that the timing is arriving for me to start making those changes.

I am ready! Bring it on. Make me cry. Make me be real. Help me in allowing myself to transition through, whatever this is! I am ready!

I am all over the place, and I feel that allowing myself to be real, and expressing it out loud will allow me the space to feel safe enough to FINALLY express myself without a filter. Whole heartedly!

Cheers to change in all the uncomfortable emotions, feelings and crap that comes with it as I go through, whatever this is. Bring it on! I will conquer this and shine through on the other side as a renewed sense of self and energy.

What should I be doing?

How many times have you asked yourself that question? If you are anything like me, it has come up time and time again. Proof positive that I am not doing something that is soul satisfying in springing myself outta bed every day! -But what should I be doing?

For so many years, and it feels like a lifetime ago.  I have been doing what is self-satisfying, or what satisfies my parents to be proud of my success. Not ideal, not even close!

I’m sure I’ve blogged about this numerous times, and here I am again! -I am feeling so lost right now.

Do I stay in accounting? My gut says no! But I went to school to get my MBA, countless hours and $$ went into perfecting my craft! -Learning to let that go!

Do I go back to life coaching? Am I really ready for that again? I feel like I’m leaps and bounds away from where I was back in 2008, but almost scared to take that leap of faith.

Here is my trust in the universe that the path in which I am to follow will reveal itself in the right timing.

Damn robo-calls!

WTF, I cannot stand these damn robo-calls! Seriously annoying!

It’ll be quiet for a bit, and then… suddenly, a flood of them for the ENTIRE day!  Oh, you can choose to ignore them. Or like me, I’ll answer, hang-up and block the damn number. Honestly, I probably have pages and pages of blocked numbers. So annoying!

They are getting better and better… they can now leave you messages and fill your inbox. Grrrr, totally thinking about turning off my voicemail as I am so tired of checking my messages to find out that NONE of them are important! Again, so annoying!

Someone needs to do something about this! I will not be the one who does, but here’s putting that energy out there, that SOMEONE will.

FU to whomever invented that idea for marketing!

7 months later

Wow, has it really been 7 months? I am feeling so disconnected right now. Ungrateful mostly. I recognize that the feelings and actions, must change. Haven’t blogged in a long while. It just means that everything has been good!

Lots has happened and I’m still processing, but I recognize that I need to flip the switch. Smoking again; not good. Drinking a little too. Change is rising to the surface of my emotions, though, I can feel it. Feeling like I need to flip that switch. Get serious about certain things in my life. Like food… sweet sugary yumminess. I need to cut down on my sugar. Recognizing some things about myself. Thank you! 😊

I have SO much to be grateful for. Complained that I had to pay taxes on the investments, instead of being grateful that we made that 10 fold. I just started a new Controller role. Things are so good.

Oh, and my favorite part… I’m getting ready to plant like 300 plants in the Spring with my family. That is going to totally change the look of the house. Thank you that the rock was available to mould this property. We are fortunate!

Tomorrow is Friday! Thank you! I am SOOOO ready for the weekend!

Here’s to flipping the switch

Need more sleep!

It's 3am and I'm awake again. Why am I awake at 3am? What is going on?

I thought if I stay awake later (9pm), just maybe I'll sleep later until my actual alarm goes off at 4am. Nope, that is not the case. Maybe it's the road noise? Maybe it's this bed? Maybe I'm dreaming and I just don't know it? Either way, I don't know what or why this is happening, but I'd really like to get 8 hours of sleep on week nights. Weekends I do great. Not sure what the difference is or why my mind and body switch to different sleep pattern during the week. Nonetheless, please all mighty powers that be, help me get a great night sleep. My head cannot take these mild headaches that I get much longer. Not to mention the late afternoon lull in my energy!

Maybe it's my location in these Airbnb's. It's been since June since I've had a consistent restful night sleep. My hope is that this new Airbnb is going to be quieter and we both can sleep better. 

So, there it is... my desire casted out (loudly) into the universe. 

Stop the mental mind fuck… NOW!

For too many weeks now, I have been giving into my mental mind fuck. Yup, that’s right, it’s been just a bunch of gibberish that has allowed me to make very bad decisions with food.

Am I screwed up mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Mentally, yes, lately. Totally eating my feelings

Physically, well, sort of… since I’ve allowed my mind to win over control of things, I’ve gained some weight. Progress out the door and down the street. LOL

Emotionally, yeah, I have my moments and sometimes days, but this time… it’s been weeks!

After having a blow out with Jason on Friday and I must say that in 11 years, this is our 3^rd one… I realized that I am allowing this to happen and then I’m making an excuse for it. The shitty part of this has been that I allowed myself to be okay with it. Yaa, no more!

Why did I allow this? Well here goes my rant, so that I can get it off my mind!

We decided to move to Asheville, I accepted a great position back in September and moved out of my home to start work here in NC. Yup I rented a space here while Jason lived in FL. I travel back and forth by car because the company I work for due to COVID had a no-travel policy without quarantining. No big deal, but after 4 months, it got old, fast! Finally, I started flying and Jason made a few trips up here by truck so he could tow a U-Haul to move some of the small stuff out of the way before we made the final move when we sold our home. Oh yeah, that was back in April, and we moved out by May 31^st. We have been in an Airbnb since June 1. Moved to another one as of last week and must move into another one next week. WHEN IS MY HOUSE GOING TO BE FINISHED? The builder states that all should be finalized by end of the month, so we are at the finish line.

The point of today was to recognize my mental mind fuck taking over, it started gradual, but eventually consumed me. Yes, I allowed it, but the time has come when enough is enough.

Getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.

Thank you for the awareness and the mindset -reset!

Eating my feelings!

I thought I was handling things okay. Perhaps I’m in denial, okay, yes, I am in denial!

I’m feeling exhausted. I need a break! I want a vacation, but am going to hold out, since I am going to have a break in September when I get my surgery; 4–6-week break. Not how I want a break, but this will be a forced opportunity for me to slow down and recharge my battery.

I realized yesterday that I am tired, really... tired! Discombobulated and not in my element. Moving from one Airbnb to another is not ideal!

I have been eating my feelings for weeks now, and my body is starting to change due to my horrible eating habits catching up to me. Honestly, I know I can change that, but right now as much effort as I give it. I just don’t want too. Stress eating is my excuse and I’m kind of enjoying it. Not enjoying the weight I’ve put on, but in the end, I will lose it again. I just need things to smooth out. I need my home to be finished being built PLEASE!

More delays!

Who would have imagined that back in February 2020 when we decided to move to Asheville, that the journey would have been this bumpy? Here we are in July, almost a year after we purchased our property, and our home still isn’t finished. Yes, COVID happened and is the main cause of delays now, but as frustrating as this is. I am so grateful to be so close to the finish line in this process.

Thank you for the folks that are working hard to get everything on our home just as we wished it to be. Of course, there are a few things that are not finished, but we requested it to be that way, so we can finish it ourselves. Then there are building code requirements that forced us to finish things a bit differently than what we wanted, but… we have full intentions of ripping that out within a year or two to remodel it as we originally intended. Thank you to those hard-working folks for making this dream a reality for us!

All in all, I’m happy that this process is so close to being done. I am so ready to get started on the landscaping and get back into the structure of a routine that will allow us to have some normalcy back in our lives.

Thank you for progress and thank you for allowing us to dream big!

Feeling a bit lost

I want to be less busy. Breathe, make the time to breathe, really breathe. If I stop to breathe now, I feel as if my mind wants to rush me. Get to the gym, get through my work out and get to work. On the days that I stretch… my mind wants to be aware and keep my eyes open. I want to stop and stretch through the tightness. It's a constant struggle! Why am I allowing my mind win? I have plenty of time. Another battle for the future. In the meantime, I keep plugging away bit by bit.

I spoke with HR on Friday. Felt good to get that off my mind and start that conversation. I don’t want to be this busy at work. Busy is good, but this is too much! But now that I have, my mental mind chatter is trying SO hard to keep me where I am. Saying things like, you made a mistake. You’re short staffed, and once you’re fully staffed, it will get better. You started your period on Friday and you know how you get just before you start; you’re an irrational mess! I need to just trust myself and have faith that all will workout as it should be.

Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit lost. Staying aware of everything that is going on right now in my life, with all the transition. Acknowledging the fact that there is a lot going on and I’m 2 months away from surgery. We are so close to the finish line as the house is almost done. Needless to say though, I’m still feeling lost and starting to lose my marbles!

What is the right thing for me? I know that I want to live a life through soul, and I am currently not! I know that once I am in my home, that I WILL be doing things that I love to do through soul and right now because there is no balance it’s progressed to the point of, well… I’m barely hanging on here.

I am sending this energy out to the universe to bring me guidance in continuing to stay open and bring that energy force that will catapult me into the world of openness. Please help guide me to this sense of peace within and allow me to always have a grateful heart.

Doing what’s right for me!

I made the decision to get out of a stressful management position in early 2020. I no longer wanted to be driven by the all mighty dollar, but still feel myself swaying in that direction. Old programming and again, I don’t feel it’s worth the trade. Of course, everyone wants to make more money, and I understand that the there is an expectation of duties when you are in a higher paid position.

What I’m getting to is… last year I excepted a position. It wasn’t in managing people, just processes. Within a couple of months, there was some transition and things shifted and I was placed in a position that would be needed as the department lost a key person. Always a team player. Always willing to do what is needed. However, after a few months, I found that the organization of the department and my duties was not working for me. Again, after speaking up, the organization was placed and for a few more months as this transition settled, I was okay. Until… now.

For the past few months, I have been feeling a bit overrun. The quality of my work has decreased, and I feel as if there is too much to do. I cannot keep up and many things that are not a priority have been placed on the back burner. Many reports that need to be addressed only get halfway done because there isn’t enough time to follow through with everything. I just do not feel proud of this and I want to be proud of everything I do. I do that in my personal life. I want to live that way congruently throughout my entire self.

In short, I started the conversation yesterday to address the challenges that I feel that I’m facing. Does that mean I step down and let someone else handle this juggling act of this position? Sure, I am okay with that. In my mind making even less money again… challenging, but worth it! However, I do hope that with some good brain storming, we can find a way to re-structure things a bit to accommodate and make the department run smoothly. I understand that we are short staffed by 1, but I will not be able to keep this up knowing that there is so much to do with the expectations of what NEEDS to be done. I need to be proud of what I produce. Not that I don’t do a good job, but I know I could do better. Right now, I feel like I have no time and cannot connect to the tasks, I just follow what has always been done and process, process, process.

Still a bit all over the place with this, but at least I am addressing now (sooner) rather than later (when it’s at my breaking point) –Kudo’s to me for recognizing the pattern earlier and “taking” action. I’m proud of my progress!

Exposed again

You’d think that after the first time, I would be smarter, right?

I was and I did take pre-cautions, but apparently not good enough. The good news is that I caught it sooner and the side -effects were not as drastic as the first time.

Still learning and testing everything to see what works to prevent and protect myself from being exposed to the elements of poison oak, ivy, and sumac.

Thank you for the wisdom and the ability to continue to learn more and more about the outside elements here in this wonderful mountain life.

For the first time (EVER) I am so thankful for western medicine. Although I am whole heartedly against western medicine, I would not have been able to get through the unbearable exposure to this poisonous plant.

CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE

I know that if you focus your time, thoughts, and energy on things of your choosing, then you will get more of that. So why have I become so negative? Really, it’s a choice, and I fell victim to this due to my current circumstances over the past 9 months of living apart from my family. I ALLOWED it!

How many times have I preached “have gratitude” be grateful for what and where you are “now” But lately, I feel myself becoming more cynical of myself. Kind of a nag! Complainer! Bitchy! Totally not me!

Do I want something to change, yes? How do I make that happen? I still don’t know, but when the timing is right, it will happen. I need to remember not to pressure myself into making a decision that would be a mistake!

Today, I am remembering to stay true to my beliefs, have patience and love each moment, in the moment. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

Here’s to making mistakes, recognizing them, and moving forward. 

Short and Sweet

Today has been such a relaxing day! 

Thank you for the knowledge of knowing how to meal prep
Thank you for providing me the knowledge of how to cook
Thank you for my wonderful husband
Thank you for having a roof over my head while the house is still being built
Thank you for my job
Thank you for all the love that is in my life

Thank you for my health

Thank you for getting through my poison ivy

Thank you!

Too busy and not liking it!

After my day yesterday, I wanted to journal so bad, but I was SO scattered from my super frazzled day that I couldn’t even begin to type the words and articulate anything that made sense. Despite me having my entrainment yesterday, I still was super fired up about my horribly challenging day. Honestly, those days make me question my job!

I devoted myself to being in a slower lifestyle and this job has me running on most days! I run from the time I get there until the time I leave. Most days, I don’t take a lunch because I just need to get things done. No, I didn’t say I don’t eat, I just don’t stop to take a lunch “break”. I am more and more re-thinking my job and what is really “GOOD” for me. I have always been driven by the old mighty dollar, but now, not so much. I’d rather be happy.

Honestly, I am trying to be grateful, but it is becoming a challenge to stay in that mindset. I understand it is a choice and I catch myself nagging. Above everything, I must ensure that I stay positive, grounded, and make the best decisions.

Today is a better day and I am so grateful.

Busy, busy, busy… AGAIN!

Many times, I have found myself back in “this” spot. Of course, it’s only after I’ve gone down the rabbit hole again and months have passed by. Yay to awareness!

 

Why does this keep happening? If you want to make a change, you must do something differently. Right? So, why do I keep circling back to the same spot? -Is it because I keep myself busy; unconsciously put things in my path to deter myself from these changes. -Or maybe were human, creatures of habit and we eventually end up right where we were until awareness sets back in, despite of our desires.

 

Regardless of why, the real question is how I can break this for good?

 

Last year I made the decision to make that change and because making money became more important, it has allowed me to creep back to my old ways. However, the desire for change is starting to set back in again. Thankfully, not 3 years later, but less than a year. I say that’s progress. Yay and thankful for my eyes to be opening again.

 

My commitment to myself is to blog at least 3 days per week, no matter what I have to say. This started out as a journal, and because of life becoming so busy, and losing my "actual" journal... blogging online was the next best things for me. 

 

Cheers to the path of progress and opening my heart to my souls’ desire and discovery of this path, no matter where we go. I will be listening with my heart!

Slow Down!

About a month ago, I was out at the property cutting and widening the trail to the river with Jason. Within 2 days, a few blotches appeared and then it became an itchy rash. Unbearably irritating! I thought I was going to scratch my skin off, but after some research, many creams, and a dermatologist visit, I discovered that I encountered poison oak. OMG what a horrible experience!

Looking back in hindsight. Horrible, yes. Eye opening, yes, yes, yes! This experience made me STOP. Yes, that’s right! I couldn’t go to the gym, I couldn’t go outside, and I could barely focus at work. Why, well wearing clothes made it itch, being in heat made it itch. I was itchy ALL THE TIME! AND OMG, I just wanted to be still, not move and just get through this horrible experience. Ice was my friend; I was wearing and sleeping with it for days! Whew, thank you for my dermatologist who prescribed me a steroid treatment… I am at week 4 now and now will be conscience of my outside natural surroundings. Look out for living creatures; plants can be dangerous too!

Not only did I learn that, but this experience has MADE me stop and become more aware of ME again. The beat of my soul is shining through, and it is saying…

Stop, slow down and see that your life’s choices right now are not feeding your soul.

You’re not invisible, stop and be aware of new things. -Time for change

Opened my eyes!

Boy, am I upset today! Mostly at myself, but really, I am going to take a second and be grateful to be aware of this situation and my feelings around it.

I really love the company that I work for, their mission statement is as congruent as you can get to one’s own.  I truly am grateful to have found this job and to be employed during these times. But today was an eye-opening experience that will truly change how I view my work structure.

I have always given 110% at whatever I do. Yeah, I may get tired at times, but will always do whatever it takes to do a job well done! At most places I’ve worked, there has been some flexibility due to my work habits and it was always an ebb and flow understanding.

Not today, I voiced that I’d like to leave ½ day this Friday because I’m headed home and it’s a 12-hour drive. I had a doctor’s appointment and wanted to leave earlier in the day and utilize some of my sick time. The answer, no. I can use my sick time to travel to/from and the time while I’m at my doctor’s appointment, but the time that I am not at the docs, I must use vacation. What a load of shit! Flexibility that was agreed upon when I took the job was obviously just words! I am extremely upset about this situation. Goes to show, the relevance of being self-employed, more ammunition to make this a reality for myself!

I can see now that this is a one-sided agreement. Gratefulness to learning early on in this workspace, that I will only work my scheduled hours, no more, no less. I will give you everything as I already do, but working anymore than 40 hours a week, will NEVER happen again!

I am pist off about this! Call me a child, but I moved here to have a hang loose less stressful life, and I will NOT allow my job to rule my life! If this job requires me to work more than 40 hours, than it is no longer the job for me. I will give notice and move on! -Okay that was my rant for the day. Moving on! -NEXT.

Tomorrow will be a better day!

What a surprise!

My journey is shifting my attention to a plant-based diet. I've learned that red & all processed meat has been classified in the same category as causes of cancer such as tobacco smoking and asbestos (IARC Group 1, carcinogenic to humans), but this does NOT mean that they are all equally dangerous. Of course, not... Smoking tobacco is way worse! But your diet is getting you sick too. Think about that for a second! You are what you eat.

For me and my… 12-week pregnancy (non-baby) fibroid. They docs say I should consider a partial hysterectomy. No way... I will explore ALL my options and do whatever it takes before that will happen!

I've made up my mind. I am changing my diet. According to those carcinogenic facts, I'm worth it and who knows what will happen. Thank you to my higher soul who leads and continues to lead me. Amazing things you learn as your curiosities emerge. -Here’s to listening to my body from quietly within!

How do I fix this?

Back in 2019, I was training HARD for the Spartan Trifecta. Brutal body condition and HIIT training with my personal trainer. I’d been training with Josh for 3 years, but the year of the race, our workouts became more intensely focused.  I learned a lot. Things like… what is a erector spinae? Mind/muscle connection, like pumice stone your calluses, or they will tear off! Ouch, and if you want to assist in expediting your healing process, Preparation H is the best! Who would’ve ever thought?

After 2 races, September of that year, I was starting to feel exhausted! From FT working, and training at the gym? NO matter what the cause, I learned after some extensive bloodwork, that I had exhausted my adrenal glands, and had virtually… zero testosterone in my body. I began to take a second hormone, testosterone. I was already taking Progesterone.

Side bar, the cost of non-covered prescriptions when you have medical insurance angers me.  My medical didn’t cover any of these compound hormones. I was paying $100/3-month supply for progesterone.  Now a second hormone. That one was also not covered, and it was $100/mo.

My strength in the gym dramatically improved, the testosterone aided me in my last months of training before the January Beast race. I stayed on this hormonal regimen until December 2020. After being advised from my new doctor that the hormones I was taking weren’t working. I shouldn’t have these symptoms considering the hormone regimen I was on. My current symptom was… 2 full periods a month: for the last 11 months, too long! I felt as if I was on my period, more than I wasn’t!

My FL doc suggested in August of 2020, to get me on estrogen to fix the problem. When my estrogen in the beginning, before I started taking progesterone was perfect. Now I must add another hormone? Not accepting this resolution and I was getting ready to move anyways. I talked to my new doctor in NC, and I got the green light to stop all hormones. I still workout at the gym, now 6 days a week on my own. I miss Josh, but I totally have found my mojo in the gym. Thanks to Josh, because he shared his wisdom as a PT and a friend!

Hormone free, and without the testosterone, I feel the difference in the gym. But, Good News, symptoms gone! -Who knew I was causing this onto myself! Thank the heavens for regularity again. More evidence of a vicious drug cycle I didn’t want to continue!

Loving the Awareness

Suddenly realized

Lately, I have been feeling as if I am not being true to my spirit and soul. I feel as if I am wearing a mask. Not intentionally, but again the old programming to lead my daily life.

What do I want? True blissfulness. I know that with everything we do there is, yin to the yang; with all the bliss, there also are challenges. In short, not always going to be good days!

I know that deep down in my soul, accounting is no longer what feeds my soul, not that it ever did. It just paid the bills and got me where I am today. I’m thankful; I have been successful. I chose to let that go and be happy! Long ago if you would’ve asked me… it was being rich. Monetarily! Now, I just want to wake up every morning and feel as if I am living my soul’s purpose. What is and what does that look like? Dunno, but the strong awareness of this desire to life true to my soul’s desire is becoming stronger!

I choose a life of living freely in happiness. Slowing down! I love how this topic keeps coming up. It’s evolving, but still making its way to the forefront. This is my journey! Shift of consciousness and living a life freely!

I don’t know what that is yet? I am still in money making mode as I begin this transition into my true self.

Here’s to trusting the process.

Love & Light

Magical, unwinding gravitational pull

For so many years, most my adult “responsible” life, I feel as if I am following my parent’s words of wisdom. You know the nagging voices of… work hard and do whatever you need to do to make a living and then retire comfortably. BUT something has shifted recently, and my soul has me yearning for living life with passion, love, unbounding joy and living my true self. Loving what I do, day in and day out. Here’s the challenge. What is it? What does that look like? I really don’t know, but I want too!

I feel as if I am being pulled forward and just being where I am “right now” … more so of the awareness of where I am, has become painful, emotional and yet it fuels my fire to explore what that means all at the same time. The opposition is my old, yet evolving self … who has that nagging voice and the fight or flight feeling of being scared. All I can say is, I strongly and wholeheartedly feel a conscience shift and I continue to remind myself that it’s time for me to LIVE, LOVE and BE FREE! No longer bound to the chains of the old patterns that keep me unhappy. Not in a negative way, just not living life to it’s fullest most magical and its unlimited energy!

I remember a time… long period of my life where I wore a mask, alcohol, drugs and all those crutches allowed me to “deal” with things and endure life’s challenges, but in the past 10 years of my NSA journey, I can happily say that the old negative patterns have fallen to the wayside and I no longer think, nor want to clutter my mind and soul with crap!  

Please hear my voice expressing my gratitude and asking that you unveil the path that I am to follow. Lead the way, and I will continue to trust the process.

Love and Light

Why did I do that?

I allowed myself to have a long period; lapse in judgement of bending the real truth of the matter. Yet, the real honesty of that statement is… I allowed it! I am in charge of my actions. I am in charge of knowing how to say no and stop myself from doing something that I wholeheartedly know is bad for me. Yet I did it any ways. I vow to no longer partake in that behavior, not only in a mind, body, and soul decision, but mainly because it goes against my principles and I felt so guilty after the fact. I felt so out of control and yet I wanted more. That’s the thing about addiction… it grabs ahold of you and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, or your beliefs. I am in control! I am BACK in control and I have taken a vow to never, ever let that lapse in judgement happen again. Goes to show that even 20 years ago when I first made that vow… anything can happen if you allow it. Here I am again. Fuck that! Fuck you for allowing that to happen again. Not just once, but for an entire year! OMG WTF… Okay pity party is over!

Thank you for the recognition of the awareness in knowing that you are in charge… yes YOU are in charge. Refuel, and continue to look forward in loving your mind, body, and soul!

LOVING WHAT IS?

Today’s beautiful spoken words; magical & eloquently written in sharing myself honestly in this snippet of time. It’s been awhile, I’m sorry for not expressing myself, not dancing magically for hours, and loving what is! You only get once chance. Treat “you” nicely with love and compassion. Be real! Be Honest! Be You! Exposed, Raw down to your core being. Yes!

Can you accept your body, your spirit, mind, & soul? I must admit that I am learning to love myself. -Me! My mishaps, tribulations; experiences that I could perceive differently. Positively accepting myself, the journey of finding the lesson and celebrating those moments. Celebrating the gratitude of all my blessings.

I must admit, I am SO grateful for my existence right at this moment!!! Maybe its because I feel so very connected at this very moment! Thankful for network care in full embodiment. “Soul-ley” Laughing, smiling, and feeling joyous! Hmm, feels so good! -Thank you!

Rawness exposed in truth. I know the {70/30} {80/20 rule}; whichever one it is. I must cut to a low natural sugar, cut a bit of carbs. I am at the gym very regularly, very! (I am proud of the structured progress)… However, having moderation with my diet & exercise, is the goal. Indulge for a day or 2 but have limits on how long things go on for. Thank you for having awareness to ask the question?

What specifically do you not love? For me, it’s my saddle bags hips, thighs, back, arms, and shoulders. That’s a long list, but not all the parts on my body. That means I do love others. Yes! Yes, this is true too! Why kind of goals do you have for your body? Working hard at the gym, but diet is key! Why do I feel such a strong desire to become skinnier? Not skinnier, no… leaner!  -I do have target areas!

I am in the process of finding my balance with food; testing boundaries. My number 1 rule? I must not have a cabinet full of anything processed, candy, toxic… you get my point. I wished everyone in the world would too. Nope, not in this world. Laziness is a thing! For real! I live with a roommate who has a shit ton of this crap in her cabinets. Thankful for the awareness that my will power must always be in check. That conversation you play in your mind. Tell myself what I believe it to be, willing it, into my world, my existence!

What do you want? Isn’t that the question? Right now, it’s that I am in the process of becoming fit & leaner. Creating the necessary habits and structuring the plan of action. Having balance at the gym with lifting & toning; rotating weeks. Food! --I’m close! 17% body fat is my goal and I have 7% left to go. My diet needs to get into check. That will be the only way for me to reach this goal.

My mindset is shifting. Asking questions; real questions. What will it take to make that a reality? Will Power, Drive, Ambition, Mistakes & Progress in learning to love wholeheartedly. Having compassion, love, and joy in every day at every moment.

I want to be wholeheartedly happy! With everything! Is that possible? Can you dream it into your world? Believe it to already to exist. For me, I believe that documenting your desires, sends it into the universe where the greatest power and forces begin. Churning, and spinning the world around everything in energy! Love Gratitude and an outlook on life that is enlightening and magical! -Again, Thank you!

With wishes in sending this in time and space. Setting my desires free! -Thank you!

Here we go again…

Small sacrifices in the decisions you make will impact everything moving forward.

Asheville is amazing! So, glad we decided to move out of Florida. Too many in-differences My mindset is built on kindness, compassion, community, and a good chuck of SoFlo is just cultured differently, that it’s not working for us! So…

Here we are again. I’ve moved away for work and Jason is in the old home until the transition is finished. It will be months before our home is finished building. Amazing! We/I am so blessed to be building a house with Jason. He is excited at the projects that are in the plan to build and create landscaping. I am thankful our lives crossed paths. We were both so different when we met. Progressed magically! I love the space that will be our new home. Built with love, creativity, and imagination. Excited to be next to river; yes! Floating down in the summer is thing here! Especially excited to be blessed with lots of ideas of landscaping. I cannot wait to get started next Spring!

For now, we live in different states. We talk/video chat at least 2 times a day; every day! I miss him tremendously! Chats are not the real deal, but I’ll take it! Small sacrifice for the plan, ahead! Lots of miles traveling back and forth between homes, but worth it! Blessed, so grateful for the gift of prosperity & creativity. Thank you!

Measure what is important, make them a priority and stay focused! Cheers!

Unfolding the Heart's Desire

So much has been going on that I seriously have NOT made time to blog. I always promise myself that, this time will be different. I will blog more; I will take the time to make it happen and this time… I quit my job so what was my excuse (this time) The fact is, I will stop making those promises right now. If I really wanted blogging to be a priority, I would make it happen. But I did not. I had other higher priorities that took precedence, and I got a PT job to occupy my time since I was going crazy with boredom. On a side note, my house was SUPER clean, and my yard was beautiful!

On my last entry, I spoke about my feelings on how things went with my previous employer. Yeah, that was a hurtful situation, and the pain was around for quite longer than I really wanted it to be. My choice to keep it in my thoughts. Now it is September. OMG… what happen to the time. It just flew, and even with COVID… it still flew!

I am happy to report that with lots of energy work, love of landscaping, the urge to clean and organization, and time… all is better! Breathing wonderfully and have forgotten about SMC. Truthfully, I learned of something recently, and I could feel those feelings getting stirred and found myself pissed all over again. Therefore, consciously, I decided that I can no longer entertain discussing or thinking about it/them. Let it go with full intention of not revisiting that again, now that I know it is a trigger! Yes, to awareness!

So, I took a PT job, and ended up leaving after 4 weeks as it was not a good fit for me. Clear on my boundaries and how “I” want to be treated. Funny thing was that I was treated well as I established my boundaries right from the beginning, but the others around me… not so much and I just could no longer continue to keep myself in that toxic environment. So, I took another PT job, and unfortunately got soooooo bored, I just could not continue with it and ended up leaving.

On 7/16/2020 before I started that second PT job, I took some time to journal a list. Frankly, I’m sick of starting and leaving jobs. I really want to find my “home” -work home that is!  I felt that if I got clear about my future self with a new job and set it out to the universe to allow timing for the law of attraction to work its magic. Amazingly, I am here to report that I am set to start that new job in just a few days. Honestly, it was earlier than I ever anticipated, but I’m happy to report that the universe has unfolded 20 out of the 22line items listed for my new job. There was a few that were off a bit, but close. Like… I want to be within 20 minutes’ drive to my office; I’m 26 minutes. Other item was if I had located a higher role, but after really thinking about what was presented, I decided that I am moving to NC to take life a little easier, and a step back was just what the mind, body and soul called for. I though that my last employer took care of their employees, but I was wrong! My new employer really values and takes care of their employees GREATLY through all their benefits! Amazing company and I am SO grateful for the gift that the universe unfolded for my future self. I am excited!

In hindsight… painful as it was to leave my last employer… it was the right thing for me to do. For my mind, body, and soul. AND… I would have never been available for this opportunity if I didn’t make those hard decisions “then” -Thank you!

Heavy on my heart and can’t breathe!

For weeks… months now, I feel as if there is a heavy weight on my chest! I have had a hard time taking (easy) deep breaths. My breathing has been shallow. I feel like I must really work, contort, and stretch to expand enough to reach that deep breath. If I take a second and spend time on some energy breath work it has helped, but each day, it returns to being constricted. I have been feeling sad, weak, helpless, hateful, not of self-love, self-care, and deeply ungrateful. I have been feeling like a victim. I have felt as if, I have not been enough. I do not know why? I do not know what is going on; honestly, I had no idea! Until today! I realized there is still pain, sadness and becoming aware has allowed me to recognize it, so that I may process through it.

I am angry at my previous employer, but mostly at myself. All they did, and I allowed it; was to take, take and take… and for what? Trade my life’s spirit and soul for money. Why did I allow them, NO, why did I allow myself to let this happen? What was I trying to prove? And to who? them or myself? It is funny how past baggage shows up (again and again) In the end, I felt hopeless. Why did I get so emotional? Why do I keep replaying things over and over? The conversation with myself on this has shifted, but it is still there. It feels like the stages of grief. I have pain here, and it has been festering for quite some time. I have not been able to see it. I do not think I was ready to. Until today, now that it no longer serves me and has festered to the boiling point… like a volcano, it has blown. I no longer choose that filter and I choose to see things more clearly. For too long I have been internalizing it, and the results of that has been self-sabotaging myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I realize now that I need to take my power back on this. It was a good spiritual decision to get out of there!

Hindsight: why am I so angry, I should be happy about this, but I am not. I am hurt. I feel as if there is a deeper lesson on life in this situation. I feel as if this is deeper and purging whatever this is will help me find that. Thank you for the awareness, and I will do everything in my power to go through these emotions, feel every inch, corner, and crevice to allow myself my personal, physical, emotional and spiritual freedom.

Cheers to the journey!

Divine Light & MY Soul’s desire

I’ve blogged about this before, so I won’t run on about it again, but I think this is important as it has me thinking! You work so hard, pressing through all the challenges to reach the top of your career, and figure out that you’re not truly happy! I’m great at being a Financial Controller, but it was NOT feeding my soul, making me smile, in feeling soulfully satisfied! So now what? Where do I go from here?

I have, for years been processing the past and now that I feel free from the feelings of victimization. I know that I have wholeheartedly forgiven all and learned from those experiences. Thankfully, I am open to what’s next. My soul’s desire, living wholeheartedly through divine light and a passionate soul. However, I am not sure what that means. I love to do a lot of things!

Truly has been on the forefront of my thoughts and desires. I don’t know how to pursue this search, but within the things I am reading, they suggest. Do stuff! Considering the current status of our country in the fight against this Corona virus, I am willingly wanting to stay home for my health and the help against the spread of this virus. I am thankful for my health, and the thought of getting sick or catching this virus is something that I don’t want to risk. So, I stay home with a few walk with the dogs. So, with that in mind, that has me limited, but has me thinking about self-reflection. What do I love?

I know that I really love to cook, bake and create yummy-licious delights to devour. I love to work in my yard and create a beautiful landscape, but how do I know that I am on the right path? Here’s my vibrational energy being cast into the world to help guide me on this journey on finding my soul’s purpose of self-reflection!

Thank you for having the ability to be free from a job in order to research my hearts desire!

No outside approval needed!

I just recently posted that I wanted to have more of an online presence, but realized today after continuing this self-journey that, that was my ego talking! I do not require and for quite some time now, have not required outside approval. Why did my minds ego steer me in that direction? Why did I fall for that? What caused my moment of weakness to believe that story?

Thank you for the light shown on this, and for me to steer myself back to self-love and divine light!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Roux, our 9-month-old pup was becoming overly rambunctious, so I decided to take a late afternoon walk with the dogs. It was such a beautiful day, and I thought it would be nice to go outside and enjoy.

At some point, while on this walk… I realized that I was smiling while I was enjoying my walk. The overwhelming feeling of gratefulness was such a joy! I am so grateful that I spent the time enjoying what I saw along the way, sweet smells of the flowers, and the sound of the rustling leaves.

I am so blessed and am so grateful for everything in my life! The opportunity to stop, work in my yard/home and just be in each and every moment has been such a gift that I am thankful for. 

Thank you!

Continuing the journey in finding my way

The books I’m reading/read, the events I’ve gone to, my NSA doc… they all are shining light on how living through soul is effortless. Not sure if I’ve ever, or honestly remembered a time that I truly lived my life through soul. Therefore, I’m not sure what that looks like or even means! The short story… when I was in my 20’s, I was raising 2 kids, and did whatever needed to be done to survive life, in my 30’s, still raising kids, but I concentrated on my education/career, and was given the gift of discovering “true” self-care. Now I’m in my 40’s and am questioning things, deeper! Meaning, I hate my career choice! I am good at it, and it pays well, but not a soulful life choice as it doesn’t bring joy to my heart. I cannot stand where I live as the majority of people here are so negative and RUDE!

2008-ish… Allowing myself the gift of not working; I did freelance part time, but truly lived my life on my terms! It was nice! Having time off for self-discovery and committing to it, enabled me to discover (NSA) Network Spinal Analysis. I’ve blogged about this before, but the mental and emotional scarring of keeping things bottled in for my whole life was causing pain, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. During that time-out, I was able to heal and process those old wounds. Life went on, and since I needed to support myself/children, I chose to continue the path of my career in Accounting and went back to work.

So, here we are 2020… Presently, I feel lost. Without my career, who am I? What do I love? What does living through soul mean? What does that feel like? What does that look like? How do I discover this part of myself? What do I do from here? Since I’ve decided to take another time out and not hurry back to work… I’ve had time to “actually” clean my house, spend time with my new puppy; training her, shape-up my landscaping (It’s gorgeous!) and continue on my physical journey with my personal trainer. I’m learning breathing techniques, but not sure if I’m on the right path. So, my thought is, when you don’t know, do something about it! Try EVERYTHING! I’m currently reading Love yourself, live your spirit by Sonia Choquette and I’m on 2^nd chapter. What I have discovered so far is… I’m abusive to my spirit. Why would my spirit want to be in this body when all I can see is the negativity about myself including my physical body.

Chapter 2’s exercise has 2 parts;

PART ONE  “When I talk to myself, here’s what I need to say…” Write down as many loving, affirming statements as you can think of and would want to share with your best friend. Start from within, more than what’s on the outside.

PART TWO -Same list- “Make a list of kind words you can say to your spirit”

Print the list and post it everywhere! This way, it is a loving reminder of the kind words to affirm to yourself. FUNNY THING… I know this! I’ve blogged about this many time! Change your verbiage, change your life! I guess, for me… I am so deep in my own crap right now, that this is a good nudge to remind me. So here is my list, and I will be reading, and adding on a daily basis. I am determined to live my life through my soul and divine light!

You are a faithful body, always reliably running; day in/day out, every day

You are smart, loyal and resilient

Your mind is quiet and still

You are such a good friend, and flawlessly reliable

You are a good listener

You are so loving, compassionate and caring

You are beautiful inside and out

You are a creative force with vision & commitment

You are patient, powerful & strong

You have a huge zest for life

You have love for all living things

You are so present in every moment

Thank you for your grace

Thank you for your kindness

Thank you for being healthy

Thank you for knowing your boundaries

Thank you for speaking up

Thank you for caring

Thank you for seeing beyond your circumstances

I love you unconditionally

Too busy? What’s your excuse?

While I was working, I was running from the moment I got up, until I came home. I had chaotic structure, but it was my structure. I knew what I needed to do at work, and I knew what my schedule was like, ever day! The last few months of my job, I was working 7 days a week, mostly 10, but sometimes 12+ hours a day, so that didn’t leave much “personal” time or much else to really do. My husband had more availability to be home, so he took care of everything there for us. I didn’t really have… okay “MAKE” time for myself other than going to the gym. However, after I left my job, the first few weeks, I felt discombobulated. It took a bit to get myself organized with all this time and how I was going to structure myself. Now that I’m settled into a routine, things have been nice. I’ve had time to think about why. Even though I am not working, why am I keeping myself so busy? What am I running away from? Am I running away from something?

I went to the gate in Colorado, and I discovered a brief encounter with my soul that was so eye opening for me! Despite processing the trauma from my past, I have recently discovered there is more. Something deeper! I don’t know what? Was it from my job? Is my ancestral trauma? Whatever it is, I felt the underlying sense of tears within my body but couldn’t ever get it to reach the surface. However, just recently, at my NSA docs office, I had a breakthrough! I now consider that unconsciously, I may have been running away from “feeling” it. Whatever “it” was. I’ll never know what “it” was but thank you to Dr. Mark Dulberg and me as I was open and ready to process “it”. My inner self feels so light, better, and free to explore more of myself and what is next for me.

In conclusion it makes we wonder sometimes… do we keep ourselves too busy to deal with things? What may you be running away from? My advice… stop and process it. Yes, it may not be "fun or nice" but we all sacrifice so much more for less. Why not commit to you? It is life changing! The process allows you to move through it, in order to open yourself up to the possibility of what may be next for you!

Thank you for allowing my perspective to change. Being open and aware of my actions in order for the change in consciousness and shift to take place.  

To my divine Spirit/Soul.. I am so sorry!

Just recently I separated from a toxic situation. I was angry! I was scared at how the changes were going to affect my life. Funny to me to write that, but better out than bottle in. What I mean by “changes” is… money. Giving up a six-figure income with no fallback plan. No job, or even the thought or energy of WANTING to get a job. I want to be without a job. Nothing but time to do what I want on my terms!

Reigning myself back in on topic, yikes! --I went to an event in Colorado that changed my perspective! Usually when I go to these events, I have an intention, but this time, I didn’t. No intentions, just pure openness!

Honestly, every time I go to these events, there is a life changing shift that happens, and I knew that would happen, but I wanted to be open to the possibilities of what that could be. I had been swallowed and consumed by my angry thoughts, and the feeling of betrayal. I couldn’t think of much else. I was pissed and relieved at the same time. Relieved that the burden was someone else’s problem, but angry at the situation and the events leading up to it.

I’ve recently got back into reading books in trying to regain my spirit and living through divine love and light. I felt as if I was so outside of myself, that I was lost. Still am, but now I am finding the crumbs that were left for me to find my way back to my heart.

I have to share an experience I had at a SRI;Somato-Respiratory-Integration. Ordinarily, when I attend the SRI class, my mind is in the forefront, and has a strong hold and will not let my spirit come through. But this time it was different! So, I’m attending this class at the seminar as I’ve always done, and during my SRI exercise; can’t remember what stage, but it was in the season of Awaken. My spirit took over and the energy was strong! I found myself crying incessantly and was apologizing to my Spirit. I was lying on the floor but could see my spirit above me, intertwining with another spirit who, I don’t know, but… all I could say was “I am so sorry” over and over, and over again. I am so sorry for ignoring you. I am so sorry for letting this happen, I am so sorry! Until… I reached a point where it faded. I laid there and finished the exercise; my body felt heavy, I couldn’t get up. When I finally did. I noticed the gentleman next to me. I reached out in wanting to hear about his experience as he was laying next to me. I shared my experience, and he stated that it was also similar to his. He thanked me, as I also reciprocated. That was intense, and for the first time, EVER. I had seen and felt my divine spirit. So blown away by this experience, I wanted more!

I am truly sorry for ignoring my divine spirit, and in this gift of time, I am driven and dedicated to my journey in continuing to deepen my connection to my Spirit and truly live my life through divine love and light through my heart.

Awareness is amazing and if you are open, it is even more amazing at what can happen!

Thank you!

Toxicity and how deep it reaches

In the beginning, I was angry because of how things went down with my employer and me having to make a hard choice. How did I not see it? This is what it means to be TOO CLOSE! -So many influences and respectable people in my life expressed what they saw, and how I had changed over the last few years. Now, with my eyes open, I understand that the trade for money and the job was a severely toxic situation and stewing in the anger is allowing me to continue to poison myself, after the fact.

The trade for money… I remember a conversation I had with one of my bosses I asked--“Florida is horrible, why do you stay?” You already stated that you will not retire here, so why are you still here? Answer: This is where the money is. I learned a valuable lesson long ago, that money isn’t everything, and the trade you make for it will eat your soul away! Little by little before you realize it’s too late!

For me... a moment in time, when you realize that your upset at yourself for allowing it to get this far. (AGAIN) You promised yourself before, to not let this happen. >>>Why is it that you allow others to cross your boundary lines? A lesson to myself, and at the very least... awareness to see, and gratefulness to learn from the experience. 

Thank you!

Learning the lesson AGAIN!

I vowed many years ago that I wouldn’t allow myself to be compromised for any job or anyone or thing. But here we are… 2020 and I did it again. Back in November, I started feeling as if I had been giving my job/career, everything. My energy, my life, compromising myself personally in giving my time, tirelessly. This had been going on since I started there 3+ years ago, and I realized there wasn’t ever going to be a “real” break from it. Why? -well according to my boss’s opinion, it was self-inflicted. Okay, I’ll take some accountability in NOT STICKING to my set boundaries. There is 100% to every problem. I’m only 50% of the problem, the other was my bosses. I work hard, it’s who I am to my core, as I am proud of what I produce as it is a direct reflection of me, and how I operate; with integrity, resilience and structure in order to keep things organized & clear. Yes, things change. I am not opposed, but the change must be for the greater good.

In my opinion, my truth is that I was forced out of employment with my employer back in January 2020. I had given everything I was to my core for this job. In hindsight, slowly in exchange for my health. I can understand the state of my predecessor (When I was hired back in 2016) and how it got so bad. She was forced to resign, but my hat is off to her for staying as long as she did. Not me, the trade isn’t worth it. I made myself a promise years ago, and when it became apparent that things were not going to change “as promised” I was no longer willing to stay. What I cannot believe is how long I let it continue. For months I stayed at my job despite me crying while I commuted to work or crying in my office during the day. It took 3+ years and me visiting my doctor because I was an emotional wreck and didn’t feel like I keep going without some help in order for me to see more clearly. I got severely sick and lost 22# in a 3-week period, and at my doctor’s visit, he placed me on bed rest for 3 days. I was apprehensive as I knew the state of things at the office (BAD) but I was exhausted… I took the days off to try to refuel. It was a Friday and after notifying my boss, he agreed to bring in help in assisting me within the department. I was so relieved that they were so supportive.

However, when I came into the office that following Monday, my security clearance that I always had, had been changed, and when I confronted my boss, I got some bullshit “story”. That was a lie! When I confronted him again and blatantly asked him to tell me honestly what was going on. He said that I was scaring the board last week with my emails. Oh Geez, the emails stating that I was in the middle of a mental and emotional breakdown due to the expectations of my job and needed more help. I had deadlines that were specified that couldn’t be changed, and I had been working the previous last 5 weeks/7days with no days off, in order for me to meet the departmental deadlines. I was exhausted and when I asked about the help, he said that we would hire... he said that was not going to happen, and that he didn't know what to tell me. I had to continue to maintain my department. Unbelievable! I couldn’t/wouldn’t continue like that. I resigned with a 30-day notice; they told me that I am done as of today. Amazing to me how much I compromised yet again for someone else at my expense. You’d think I’d learn my lesson by now. RIGHT? Geez, let me just say that… I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!

Live my life without compromise. If you don't, you are taking a risk to yourself, and for what? Your job; another person’s dream! As I have learned invaluably… love your spirit and live in divine light AND DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR SET BOUNDARIES!

This has been on my mind since the separation of my job, and I am just venting my lesson out loud. I need it off my mind so I can live within my true divine light and soulful intuition. Getting back to me again before I started this job. Thank you for the lesson (again).

Reaching your goals, but something is missing.

Are you one of those individuals who works /worked hard, makes the challenging choices, sacrifices, and does whatever it takes to create the future you want for yourself. I am, and I thought that once I reached inevitably where I set my goals, I thought, I would happy. I was for a bit, and I worked so hard that I eventually burnt myself out. So, I tried to take a break to recharge, but never truly took a break. Staying busy is what I do. Rest, what is that?

I feel that I have done my best to make things happen, but now that I am here, I cannot escape the fact that I feel something is missing. A sense of purpose. I cannot find “true” happiness and I cannot find the gratefulness in my situation.  Why? I should be grateful for where I am in my life. I should be tickled that I have come a long way! Am I depressed? Why do I feel this way? I feel that I am starting to unravel in my unhappiness. So what do I do?

I am writing this to set the energy in motion. Please help me find gratefulness in everything I do, where I am, and in all my choices. Please help me find a sense of purpose in the direction I am heading in life. 

Life’s lessons

The other day, I was laying in the sauna after my workout and I got to thinking…

WOW, how grateful am I, to have been through so much, and to have learned so much from it. I especially want to thank the husband’s in my life. Yes, that’s right, husbands. I have been married 4 times, and honestly, I can say Thank You to each one of them.

I think I’ve posted something before about this topic, and that’s okay, because it’s coming up again for me; hopefully the gratefulness I have has become more evolved.

To my 1^st husband, Joe… thank you for teaching me how to take a “stand” for myself. When I met you, I was only 16 and just a baby; who thought she knew it all! I may have worn a mask that perceived that I was tough on the exterior, but down deep to my core… I wasn’t. Technically, not even an adult yet. I was a timid, self-conscience little girl that was looking for “love”. Of course, at the time I didn’t know any of these things conscientiously, but looking back, I can see it clearly now. So, thank you! I know for a very long time, I was angry with you, and now I can say that forgiveness and am happy that we can have a friendship that warms my heart. I am thankful for you, the experiences, and the most valuable life lessons in evolving as a human being.

To my 2^nd husband, Chase who is no longer with us on this earth. I must say thank you for showing me the “true” meaning of unconditional love. Looking back on life for the past 15 years, I have realized that when you died, you took a piece of me with you! 10 years of mourning you taught me that I truly learned the meaning of true “love”. Of course, I didn’t realize this until just recently in the last few years, but in that “ah ha” moment… I could see it clearly. Thank you for finding your way through this “tough” exterior that I created for myself, in order to find your way in and love me; love me for who I was. I must honestly say that loving me couldn’t’ve been easy. I remember how tough I masked my true self to be and I love, miss and always wondered what our future would’ve been like.

To my 3^rd husband, Tom… you have given me a lesson on life & money that couldn’t have been delivered so beautifully. Of course, at the time, there was so much anger for your actions/inactions and the non-communication on being amicable! But, in retrospect, I am thankful for you. I have forgiven you, and I hope that one day, you and I can get back on talking terms. The outward appearance of being accepted and masking my true self was so exhausting. The financial burden of keeping up with the perception of that outer appearance was very self-serving, and a detriment to my growth. Thank you for creating those “painful” circumstances that allowed me to see that I must rip off the mask and be true to my nature. I appreciate the gift of light and true evolution in finding my deeper self.

To my 4^th husband, Jason… it was a rough start, and I swore off drama in my life; I had felt as if I’d had enough of it, and just couldn’t take anymore. Then you came along, and I must say… DRAMA! So much drama came with your past, present. It was a battle within myself to know if I was making the right decision to continue a relationship with you. But I chose to go with my heart, and I must say… I am glad I did; I am deeply in LOVE with you, and you have my heart in the palm of your hands. My boys and Chase will always have a piece of it, but you have it today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life in this world. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for you, your patience, your unconditional love, and willingness to deal with my craziness! Oh boy, do I know how challenging I can be! Nonetheless, I am in, and will always be in love with you. I am so lucky that you married me, and I am excited to see our future together. You and I are as unstoppable as a freight train and I can’t wait to grow old with you.

In my life, I have loved and have been loved many times, but without these experiences, I would be where I am today without them. 

Thank you!

Negativity

Always being exposed to negativity makes it a challenge to be positive. BUT if you CHOOSE what you want, and act how you want, then it will be! Negativity can be so toxic! I recently went back home and realized, discovered many things, but these 2 things are the biggest ones that stand out for me.

 1) My family is not very emotionally attached and feels so broken. Not only my immediate family, but my extended family too. So isolated in our own spaces.

 2) My family is very stuck and can be very negative at times because of personal beliefs, perception, circumstances and situations due to cause and effect.

All my life, and I don’t have many memories, but I cannot remember too many times where we have been to family events. I do remember some on my father’s side and only a few times that I can remember on my mother’s side.  Not to say that we didn’t attend more when we were younger, but that’s not the case now.

Honestly, family can be exhausting, and a lot of work, but for me… we aren’t kids anymore, and we all grew up and became super busy with our own children/family and careers. Today’s society is busy! Some of us moved many miles away from each other, and only connect through social media. However, all my family; including extended family don’t even talk to each other much anymore; they are mad at each other.

While I was back home, I noticed how my family on all side’s are so disconnected. Fighting about this or standing strong in their disagreements on that. Not me, I can honestly say… no harsh feelings, no grudges. But for my family… no middle ground to keep peace or unity in order to keep family close. We all have disagreements, we all fight! Why does my family feel so broken? And over what? How can this be fixed? Or, can it be fixed? I certainly don’t have the energy in fixing everyone else’s relationships, but I know that I can concentrate on my own interrelationships with my family. I can only extend the olive branch and do my part. Like they say… 50% is my half, and the other half is the other person’s; I can only do my part in this. So, if they are so stuck in their ways and cannot agree to disagree or talk through it, then I am at peace with my half. I’m not fighting with anyone, but I need to make more of an effort in reaching out to say hi more often. Just touch base to let them know I was thinking about them, and to ask how they are doing. Family should be important, and it has taken me a long time to get to place of opening my eyes to that fact.

Thank you for time and space at home, and away from my busy, busy life in order to realize just how important those relationships are. -Cheers to reestablishing those distance connections!

Finding Balance

Honestly, I didn’t take the traditional route in life by any means. I married young, had a baby before I was 18, survived an abusive relationship, divorced, married again, had another baby, became a widow, married again, divorced, and got married again and somehow in between all that, I found a way to become educated, and experienced in my field. I made it work; without entertaining excuses. There were low and high points where I felt as if I just wanted to quit, but I am a fighter and will never give up on something I am driven to do, or have my mind set on.

Now that my kids are gone, and I truly have an empty nest, and my career has been the biggest priority of my life. Afterall, that is what I have been working so hard for! Right? Ever since I moved to Florida, I have been so busy with life. My career has made a big impact on my free time, relationships, personal challenges with addiction and mind, body, soul balance.

I have tried and tried to find the “right” company to call my forever “career” home. The universe knows that I have bounced, and bounced around, fallen, picked myself up to keep fighting the good fight. I have seasons, just like everyone else. I am learning how to have balance and create time and space for myself. That has been a challenging thing to accomplish with all my responsibilities, desires within this space and time. Prioritizing in order to find balance has been something I have battled with for decades.

For the first time, I feel like I am getting balance to my life. I feel that I have finally found the company to call home; again in the HVAC field. A company who values me for the gifts I bring to the table. A company who is allowing me to run my department as I wish to do, without any interference. Of course, in the beginning, it was a challenge; again, bringing order as I did with the previous companies I had worked for, but the difference was... I had full control to really shine! But, here I go again… BALANCE. How the hell can I find and balance everything I want to do, to include ME. --Just recently, I have set a precedence on and for myself on a personal level. The difference this time is that setting boundaries within my career, scheduling and making it all fit in order to MAKE time. Sure, I will admit that I have become a bit obsessive on “me” time, but it feels good to stand up for my personal/professional balance. Making time and keeping those boundaries.

Thank you to the universe for hearing my desires. Combining the universal energy of the law of attraction and my focused energy and attention allowed the path to be set and become a new habit.

Getting Fit!

I have had gym memberships and worked with various personal trainers throughout my adult life. I thought I was fit, but as time went on… I allowed life to take over and I swayed away from the fitness aspect of my life. I heard that 40 was the magic number when things started to really drop, but it was like, a snap of the fingers and BOOM, I realized the switch was flipping on me; fast!

Back in 2016, I got this thing called “frozen shoulder” -I couldn’t lift my left arm in front of my body any higher than my shoulder, nor could I put on my own bra. It sucked and was extremely debilitating. I was scared that I would never have use of my arm as I normally did. Not to mention, my weight had creeped up to 160 pounds. BTW, that was my full-term pregnancy weight back in 1996. Holy shit! What was happening to me?

I went to an orthopedic surgeon to get professional help. It was the first time I had and hoped to ever have an injection. I hate anything that is considered a “drug”, let alone injecting it into my body! It was  necessary, due to the alternate method. So, I started physical therapy and hired a personal trainer to get my fat ass (for me) back into shape and become truly healthy. My mind, and soul was in good shape, but my body. OMG, NO!!!! I am right-hand dominant, therefore, I got frozen shoulder due to non-utilization of my left arm. That will never happen again! I won’t let it!

My personal trainer and I are still going strong. The fact is my weight fluctuates between 145-150, but I have dropped 6% body fat and have slimmed back down to a size 4. I have ran a few 10K’s, finished a Spartan race, and am now going for the trifecta in 2019. I am excited for that! Each race is different, but it consists of roughly 30+ obstacles, and each race is either 3, 9, or 12 miles in the mud. Talk about “beasting” it! I may have to utilize specialized shoes, but I now run roughly about 15 miles a week and spin a few days a week. Can you say obsessive! Yes, I will admit that, but I am okay with that. I am not addicted to drugs or enabling bad habits. Yeah, being in my forties has made for some challenges, and I have had to overcome some injuries, but you can try to push me down for a bit! I will rise to the occasion no matter what! Bring it bitch, I will show you, just how strong and determined I am! Honestly, grateful for my trainer, and my strong drive to succeed.

What a journey this has been! A journey that I am grateful for! To my well being in my mind, body and soul!

Thank you!

Clarification

I had raised my children, and it was my turn to finish my education and start my career. I took a chance, and when I moved across country to Florida to start my career, I had no idea of the series of events that would take place.

I connected with a FL based company. Of course, it was in the HVAC field, and they desperately required a knowledgeable Controller. Therefore, I proceeded forward with an interview. Just so happens that they had a business partners in Seattle. That was convenient! In speaking with the owner of the company and he said, “Have you ever been to FL” “Why would you want to move here?” I, in that moment, didn’t understand why he would be asking me that, and I didn’t care. I wanted out of Cloudy, cold WA, and this was my “open door”. The interview was a success and an offer was presented, and I accepted. Therefore, I gave notice at my current employer, and away I went on my journey to FL. I drove there, it took 4 days. I love to drive, so the journey was fun.

When I arrived at my new job… OMG, what a mess! Luckily, my work ethic rose to the forefront and allowed me to shine; giving my job every bit if energy I had. I had to bring my “A” game in bringing my organization and standardization skills to this office. Honestly, the situation really consumed me, and at that time it was no big deal. I was here by myself; my family and home were back in Washington State. I could allow my job to take all my time. I did fly home a few times over the 6 months until my home sold, but the long and short of it is… my job consumed me. When I was hired, my job was to bring accuracy, to the accounting department, and implement policies, standardization and procedures. I was able to finalize those tasks, but unfortunately, that job wasn’t a good fit for me, and I left. It became a toxic environment and I had to make the choice of leaving before I secured employment with a new employer. A leap of faith!

With that experience, I realized (AGAIN) that in life, you must be careful what you ask for. I may have received the gift of moving to a sunnier/warmer location, and the career path that I excelled in, but that job soon became the steppingstone. A steppingstone to further clarification and in search of the “right employer” and the challenge in finding a new job.  

Think about what you want, ensure its crystal clear! Focus your energy, attention, and time on what you seek and let the universe unveil and work on the rest.

No time to stop!

Really? No time? That’s not true.

The truth is, I haven’t made time to blog. I have had higher priorities in my life, and quite honestly, I have been super busy living out in the real world. I have stopped and started to jot down a few sentences on a few topics, but it only got that far. Today is the day that I am officially on vacation, by myself and I am taking the time to go back to those topics and “catch up”. I am on a 11-hour flight… what better time to take that moment.

I made a commitment a long time ago to get back to blogging regularly, but I can see now, how unrealistic that was. I always start with good intentions, but that is where it stayed.

I will not make the statement that my situation will change to allow more time. I will say that I am on hiatus, and will get back to this eventually, but for now… I am focusing on higher priority things in my life. Things that are in my life, in this moment of time and space; I am choosing to be present in my life. This digital world is great, but I much prefer to be living and experiencing my life out in the world. I will check in from time to time, and maybe “catch up” again, but my priority is being out there, being me, and living in each and every moment, and experiencing all that I can!

What you don’t see

This is an old picture, but it represented an amazing analogy that hit home for me.

In society, people can be so judgmental!  Whether it’s the car you drive, your family, the clothes you wear, your house and/or the neighborhood you live in, either way it’s all inclusive of someone’s outward appearance. As a person who has experienced this first hand many moons ago, it is empowering to claim it, and recognize the gifts it gave me during that hardship.

Honestly, you never know how a person arrived where they are or if it’s what they want for themselves or frankly, why others are the way they are. What are the experiences, or reasons behind it? Is it because of their experiences, or is it generational following?

We as the “outsiders” have no idea of how deep one’s roots go. What I mean by roots is… experiences; cause and effects. We have no idea what happened to one another unless we were directly involved and present; or if it's a generational upbringing, or if it's how someone feels, unless they are willing to share openly and unfiltered… nor the scarring of those embedded experiences. 

How deep do other’s roots go? These roots you see, are from 1 of my trees that was cut down when we overhauled my backyard. The tree was a small, but a climbable tree, and these pieces are just a small portion that I was able to capture in this picture.

It was a reminder to me… It’s not what you see, and you never know by what’s on the surface, and you never know how deep things TRULY go! So, before you go JUDGING, try to stop yourself and try to be compassionate and humane. Your criticism could do further harm than good! Our society is cruel and so judgmental, I hope that collectively we as a human race can be aware of our actions and have compassion for each other.

Try holding out your hand for others in helping them up! Rather than be judgmental and pushing them down! Let’s show and be more loving! Imagine how the world would look, if we could just be good to others! You know that is how you want to be treated! So how can you expect that to be reciprocated, if you are not willing to be and act in that manner. ---You get what you give!

What are you giving to the world?

It's already October! Mid-October!!!

It seems that every year, I’m able to get a few posts in, and then the year flies by and before I realize it… only a few posts for the year. I miss blogging freely, and quite frankly, I am feeling restrained and have been for a while now, due to the challenges and situation with Jason’s ex-wife. In my experience, and this is my opinion, she is extremely slanderous, and uses any information that she gleams to hurt him. Therefore, sharing about my life is filtered. I do believe that will change at some point, and I will be able to openly share again.

So, if you know me, then you get the real deal up close and in person. BUT… I will be back to blogging “openly” soon!

Honestly, life has been good; no complaints! I’ve had my fair share of challenges. I’ve also had many triumphs! I am truly blessed, and extremely grateful! Work is good, life is good!

I wish nothing but love and light to everyone, and hope that no matter what is going on in your life, you find gratefulness for the things that are presently in your world. Even the challenges are gifts! It’s all about perspective!

Funky funk!

I’ve been so busy at work that I was working 7 days a week for… weeks! Granted Sunday was from home, but it was still work. Tirelessly I forged forward. I thought I will keep going until vacation comes, and then make the shift. So, I pushed, and pushed, and now… vacation has come and gone. It was 3 days of no work, no cell phone, and a whole lotta nothing! It was nice, but way too short. Too short in fact that I’m still tired. BUT am I tired, or just burnt out?

Honestly, I’m burnt out! I feel like I’m in a funk. Deep into this abyss of not caring what I eat, If I shower or do anything that really needs to get done. I am not motivated, and I just can’t make myself flip this switch. It feels as if I am just moving through the motions of day to day, but no plan in place. I feel tears arising as I write this, and I’m not even sure why, or what’s going on, but if writing this, and allowing the tears to shed help, then please let the waterworks flow.

Oh God, I am not sure how I let this happen, but can you please bring me back to myself? I cannot continue down this path. I feel like shit. I don’t feel like myself. I can fake it, but that’s exhausting! I understand that I put too much pressure on myself in keeping things aligned, and I let it go too far this time. I know that not going to the gym is contributing to this. I know that my eating my feelings isn’t helping. I know that I should do something, but for some reason can’t. It’s my excuse and I own that, but I feel like this funk has its hold on me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to get out of this. I know that I need a break, and I know that something must change. I am not trying very hard, I am just saying that I need too, but no actions are taking place. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to find my peace with this so I can move past whatever this is. I know that I let it go too far, despite all the warnings. I am sorry!

My promise to myself is to do something “quiet” for 30 minutes a day. Give my mind the rest of emptiness. Continue to get weekly entrainments and find a sense of peacefulness and stillness for myself. 30 minutes!