I have so many thoughts, and as each day passes, I feel as if I am unraveling more and more, becoming more emotional. Starting to lose it! Emotionally, and mentally! I feel physically on auto pilot, just pushing through the motions, but allowing myself permission to allow these emotions to come through.
Negative thoughts of myself and the perception of who I am…
I am starting to question every part of it! Every part of me. My past, my
actions, hell, my future, my emotions, and self-doubt. Of course, I understand
that I am my worst critic and I continually beat myself up over, nothing. Self
bullshit! What is happening to me? Why are these feelings getting stronger and
stronger? As I write these words, tears are filling my eyes! I feel as if “something”
is starting to surface. Perhaps it is as Brian states. Ancestorial baggage?
Realization that I, myself am not being true to my core. I too realize that I
am still wearing a mask. Not all the time but am starting to understand that
the true essence of who I am is bubbling through.
Let’s be real about my career choice. I understand that I
make a great Controller in the right environment. I am a control freak! Yes, I’ll
admit it. As I say that though, I realize, that over the course of the past few
years… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hate Accounting and I just don’t
think I want to do it anymore! I can be mean at times. I can be selfish at
times. Some, most days… I don’t care about others! Where is the humanity in
that? Conditioning of the trauma I endured in always on the lookout for my best
interest. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want to act. I want
to change. I need to make that change, for me! How, and in what way? These are
all great questions. Questions that I feel that my deepest thoughts and
vibrational energy is shining through to my core. My soul is bubbling through,
and it is starting to, maybe has been resonating through, and NOW, finally… I
think that the timing is arriving for me to start making those changes.
I am ready! Bring it on. Make me cry. Make me be real. Help
me in allowing myself to transition through, whatever this is! I am ready!
I am all over the place, and I feel that allowing myself to
be real, and expressing it out loud will allow me the space to feel safe enough
to FINALLY express myself without a filter. Whole heartedly!
Cheers to change in all the uncomfortable emotions, feelings
and crap that comes with it as I go through, whatever this is. Bring it on! I
will conquer this and shine through on the other side as a renewed sense of
self and energy.
