I've been thinking

For so many years I ran, ran, ran to chase the ultimate dream of being wealthy and living a life of freedom. But in turn, life provided me so many lessons on what that dream "really" is. I thought it was money, but now... not so much! I guess some would say that is what happens when you grown up? Right? Sure, money is an important piece of life, but it is no longer what is driving me. 

Honestly, last year was a abruptly eye opening experience that I will NEVER forget. I thought, I'm doing great, taking care of my body, going to the gym, eating well, no bad habits that have me in an addiction mindset. I'm healthy! Buuut, when I go back and read my posts, I realize that I am not great. I've been searching. Searching for blissful happiness; pure contentment. I've always said... it starts within. Maybe that is why I am SO in my mind these days.

One cannot obtain true happiness from the outside, it's superficial and artificially created. I feel it would be a temporary situation, but eventually the new-ness wears off and you are back to "chasing" the next thing. 

That brings me to my most recent thoughts. Sure, I started a new job and it has kept me quite busy. Too busy, but let's be honest... I like busy, but I am realizing that it's not what I want anymore. Now that the new-ness has worn off, I understand that I am bringing things into my life to keep me busy. Deterrent, distraction, procrastination to exploring more of me. 

Not the surface me, but, the real me. The deeper me. I feel that getting to know that part of me, scares the bejeebers out of me. However, I feel like it's time to discover the me who loves being outside in the rain, smelling the flowers and digging in the dirt to create a beautiful natural environment that surrounds me. 

I think I am starting to realize that this life that I've worked so hard for, is not the one I want anymore. 

Sure I am a whiz at accounting, it is a natural gift, but it is no longer what I want. Sooooo, what do you want. Darn Michael Losier... in my head when I hear the contrast in my thoughts. The real answer is I don't know. AND when I don't know I don't do anything, yet. It's time for exploration! Fun!

Unraveling

I have so many thoughts, and as each day passes, I feel as if I am unraveling more and more, becoming more emotional. Starting to lose it! Emotionally, and mentally! I feel physically on auto pilot, just pushing through the motions, but allowing myself permission to allow these emotions to come through.

Negative thoughts of myself and the perception of who I am… I am starting to question every part of it! Every part of me. My past, my actions, hell, my future, my emotions, and self-doubt. Of course, I understand that I am my worst critic and I continually beat myself up over, nothing. Self bullshit! What is happening to me? Why are these feelings getting stronger and stronger? As I write these words, tears are filling my eyes! I feel as if “something” is starting to surface. Perhaps it is as Brian states. Ancestorial baggage? Realization that I, myself am not being true to my core. I too realize that I am still wearing a mask. Not all the time but am starting to understand that the true essence of who I am is bubbling through.

Let’s be real about my career choice. I understand that I make a great Controller in the right environment. I am a control freak! Yes, I’ll admit it. As I say that though, I realize, that over the course of the past few years… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hate Accounting and I just don’t think I want to do it anymore! I can be mean at times. I can be selfish at times. Some, most days… I don’t care about others! Where is the humanity in that? Conditioning of the trauma I endured in always on the lookout for my best interest. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want to act. I want to change. I need to make that change, for me! How, and in what way? These are all great questions. Questions that I feel that my deepest thoughts and vibrational energy is shining through to my core. My soul is bubbling through, and it is starting to, maybe has been resonating through, and NOW, finally… I think that the timing is arriving for me to start making those changes.

I am ready! Bring it on. Make me cry. Make me be real. Help me in allowing myself to transition through, whatever this is! I am ready!

I am all over the place, and I feel that allowing myself to be real, and expressing it out loud will allow me the space to feel safe enough to FINALLY express myself without a filter. Whole heartedly!

Cheers to change in all the uncomfortable emotions, feelings and crap that comes with it as I go through, whatever this is. Bring it on! I will conquer this and shine through on the other side as a renewed sense of self and energy.

Emptiness

Emptiness... Space... Not in a negative way, or any kind of sadness, but a space of clearing. In a space of being content. A space with no thoughts, just peace, stillness and quiet.

Just being in the space of right here, right now. Being present in every moment.

The space in which has been created to make room for my future self.

Excited to meet my future self!

Unraveling

Like a cord that is unwinding quickly as it falls to the floor. Trying to find balance but not living congruently. Clearing clutter, creating new habits, and making those hard decisions.

Unraveling, is that even a feeling? Cuz that’s how I feel! It’s time to set boundaries, and make those hard changes. It’s time to get real again. >Oh, how I always end up back here again. Perhaps it may be at a higher level of being; further than where I started. BUT IT STILL SUCKS!

How is it that I’m trying to get healthy, yet some of the decisions that I’m making.....… go against those very words. CONGRUENCY! Ugh! Oh painful awareness can be at times. Perspective of knowing the difference is what allows me to be better!

Now the question is, what are those hard decisions? –I’m putting it out there, and trusting that the universal energies at may will align the signs for me to see.

Oh, I’ve strayed so far from myself. “Tears” –It’s time! 

Maybe this is what Dr. Mark was talking about. “I’m in denial” It is possible that he saw something that I didn’t. Isn’t that why I see him? To call out the BS and raise my awareness. Honestly…No, things aren’t okay. I am searching for ground again. 

Reality check to Kim. Time to stop fucking shit up for myself. It’ time to get back on track, stay focused on the goal. What is the goal again???

Staying focus on my mind, body and spirit. Live congruently and live out loud!

Love and light beautiful people!