So grateful for my mom!

I remember looking out my window in May, right after surgery and thinking... so many weeds outside, every where in my yard! AND I cannot even get out there since I just had this tumor removed. I will be able to get out there soon, but according to the doctors... during cancer treatment, I will lose my energy at some point. 

In June, I was able to get outside and help weed with my mom. I was still working FT in office and only could do anything on the weekends. I quickly discovered that I only had enough energy to work hard 1 day and the other weekend, day... I was not feeling well, or found that I had no energy. It was only a matter of weeks before I didn't have any energy to do much of anything, any day. Let alone, working out in my yard, pulling weeds, planting plants and fixing up the yard this season. 

All the credit goes to my mother who was outside, every day... by dawn; as it was the coolest part of the day. Sometimes before it was even light outside and would work outside using the shop "porch light" to use the wheel barrow to mix potting soil and dirt, modified for planting the new dapple willows. She is amazing! I am so grateful for her!

This was hard for me... letting someone else get out there and do that HARD work without me lifting a finger. I would feel so bad that I couldn't get out there to help her, but all the credit for my yard this year is to my mom. The yard is beautiful. Added a good chunk of plants, fixed other parts of the yard, but she did all the weeding. That is no easy feat... It's roughly almost 2 acres of hard work. 

I would try to bring her water outside, since it was so hot outside, but she was pretty good to come in and take breaks to cool down. But she would get out there in her boots, gloves and her sun hat. Amazing how much she did!

I also want to give credit to my kiddo, Tyler. He works a ton and despite his hard schedule, he still made the time to come out and help my mom. Jason too, but it meant the world to me that my son made time to come and help me! I love all of you guys, so, so much!!!

Thank you!

Took a tumble today.

I went outside to place plants where they should be planted, Walking back to the house, I felt super dizzy. I had to stop a few times, to breathe, I remember asking Tyler to come help me walk to the house. I needed help standing up. I was trying to go sit down. Apparently, on the way, trying to get myself in… I fainted twice. Once falling on the gravel driveway. Second time, Tyler caught me.

I feel bad as I’m not wearing any panties and this is a short dress. After the radiation side effects to my rectum... I’m allowing areas to be exposed to the air. I’m sure it was full exposure to Tyler when I fell. I don't know what he did/didn't see. It was weird to just wake up to Tyler asking "mom, mom, are you okay?" I remember each time waking up to Tyler asking if I'm okay, sitting on the garage step, where I remember peeing a little. What an experience. I over did it today, again. This time, I have war wounds. My shoulder, both knees, my face and my chest are all pretty banged up.

Chapters.

How many chapters would you have?

If you could document all your major experiences?   In some cultures, they are called initiations. But for me; learning experiences. Those experiences that made you change in some way. Become stronger/tougher. I feel that life's experiences are lessons, gifts that allow us to open up to evolving as a human being; growth.

I am sure this will be an ongoing list that I will continue to update. 

Youth --Memories as a child

• Monty
• Parenting techniques
• Hawaii mom upbringing
• Early sexual exploration

Teenage

• Shipped back and forth from HI/WA
• Friends in HI; tennis, surfing, witchcraft
• Trouble maker w/Robbery/Cars
• Jail as a teenager

As the years keep going by and I age with each one into all my adult experiences.

• Joe
• Drinking/Drugs
• Chase
• Kids
• Tom
• Bankruptcy
• Moved; so many times
• Jason's "X" drama
• Cancer
• Jobs/Career

I'm sure there would be more.

Too tired to wash my hair

Since I have not been taking my proestro consistently, I have been experiencing hot flashes, like crazy! It's gross as I get a bit sweaty, and like excessively.  I feel like I want the bed sheets washed every couple days.

Taking a shower is not that crazy, but it's crazy how tired I get IF I have to wash my hair.

This is SLOW! Definitely made me slow my role. Fuck Cancer treatment! The side effects of all this poison is horrendous, but yet I'm grateful for the cure to be available! Taking things MUCH slower these days. AND allowing myself to let other things go. 

My skin is so angry with me. OMG!

So last week was a moment of reality that I had too much on my plate and that I could barely hang on too all of it. Not to mention the need to work remotely. So much has changed. I gave notice to leave my job.

Their policy is to separate, cut all ties... right away. To longer be attached to my employer... NICE! -relieved as I don't think I could've mustered energy to train, update and explain stuff. So I'm grateful. Brutal if I had to stay on, but a relief in finishing that chapter.  -How many chapters would be in a book of all my experiences?  -Now I'm curious!

Anywhoo... Doing what I need to do with sitz baths... better in my own bathroom. My rectum has like this ring of fire where the skin around my rectum is burnt/red/swollen and so angry with me! I am applying Vaseline to the dried out areas, but doing what is necessary in helping me find comfort during this experience has been a learning experience. Whoa!

Smooth Sailing

End to week 4 and things have shifted with my energy. Finally have the timing of meds to numb things. I find myself having to slow down. My body will not do, what I want IT to do. So I have no choice but to slow down. Or I get super dizzy!

Its what I asked for, for years. So that was not the way I saw it going, but in reality... I never ACTUALLY slowed down. Maybe for a hot minute. So the universe provided the necessary experience to MAKE me do it. 

I wonder how many times during all 200+ blog posts, I ask for things to: SLOW DOWN?

Thank you LOA, but wow! That is awareness in your face!