Contrast to C-L-A-R-I-T-Y

 As I heard myself complaining today, I thought… change my record. So, let’s talk about some real contrast.

I choose healthy choices to feed my body

Right now, I eat like shit. Total shit! Red meat more than I’d like. Want vegetables to be my main entrée again. Stop eating fast food, eating out, refined sugar and cut down on sugar altogether!

I choose to expand myself athletically everyday whether that is swimming, spinning, working out or doing some yoga or stretching, hell yard work counts, for sure!

I’m not happy how my body looks. J says I’m getting older, but I don’t want that to be my excuse. I want to be slim and toned, fit! -I'm so close; just need to keep grinding away.

Those 2 things are in correlation with each other. Change my record, change my mindset. I need to eliminate some responsibilities first! Starting with my job! Then make some changes in my schedule.

Lost or Found

Am I lost? 

Am I found? -Feeling like it’s been a challenge for me to accept my decision to resign from my Controller position without a plan. It’s taken me a hot minute for me to come to terms with my decision. Have I accepted it?

Earlier blog that never was posted and just in looking back at this progress. Totally flipped that switch!

Feeling like it can be over soon enough! I’m mentally so not connected to my job anymore. I want to be DONE! So yeah, totally accepted the fact that I’ve resigned! Taking a break. Excited to see what is next for me on this enlightening path to self-discovery. Where am I going. Just enjoying every moment, just doing, me!

Cheers to progress!

Funky funk!

I’ve been so busy at work that I was working 7 days a week for… weeks! Granted Sunday was from home, but it was still work. Tirelessly I forged forward. I thought I will keep going until vacation comes, and then make the shift. So, I pushed, and pushed, and now… vacation has come and gone. It was 3 days of no work, no cell phone, and a whole lotta nothing! It was nice, but way too short. Too short in fact that I’m still tired. BUT am I tired, or just burnt out?

Honestly, I’m burnt out! I feel like I’m in a funk. Deep into this abyss of not caring what I eat, If I shower or do anything that really needs to get done. I am not motivated, and I just can’t make myself flip this switch. It feels as if I am just moving through the motions of day to day, but no plan in place. I feel tears arising as I write this, and I’m not even sure why, or what’s going on, but if writing this, and allowing the tears to shed help, then please let the waterworks flow.

Oh God, I am not sure how I let this happen, but can you please bring me back to myself? I cannot continue down this path. I feel like shit. I don’t feel like myself. I can fake it, but that’s exhausting! I understand that I put too much pressure on myself in keeping things aligned, and I let it go too far this time. I know that not going to the gym is contributing to this. I know that my eating my feelings isn’t helping. I know that I should do something, but for some reason can’t. It’s my excuse and I own that, but I feel like this funk has its hold on me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to get out of this. I know that I need a break, and I know that something must change. I am not trying very hard, I am just saying that I need too, but no actions are taking place. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to find my peace with this so I can move past whatever this is. I know that I let it go too far, despite all the warnings. I am sorry!

My promise to myself is to do something “quiet” for 30 minutes a day. Give my mind the rest of emptiness. Continue to get weekly entrainments and find a sense of peacefulness and stillness for myself. 30 minutes!

Loneliness

This morning I woke up just feeling a bit blue. Why? Well I thought about that and I believe it’s something that is deep and really stuck in my emotions. Thinking that someone has to be there to hold me and make me feel good. No! This is an inner feeling, not an outside feeling. But what do I do? I go out and partake. Is that to deal with my emotions or to hide them? Wait! I know that! No it’s to cope with them. Yeah I say that I know this, but no matter how much I know it… I still cave in and end up disappointed at myself in the end.

I believe that being alone will allow me to feel the layers of my feelings. Lately I’ve had some mindless thoughts which brought up thoughts that I’ve never had before. Thank you for the openness.

Being “ALONE” well for starters I have a few habits that I know that I’m finally at the point where I’m finished! No more vices. It’s all about oneself, MY personal power.

I no longer need the mind to take over my body. The body I have learned will take over itself if you allow it… I can fix my aches and pains through breath work and working with my nervous system with a practice that’s new to me. It’s called; (NSA) Network System Analysis. It’s amazing and I’m just getting started. I committed myself to start feeling in life and I have the integrity to start taking action on those words and emotions. It’s no longer what I THINK is right, it’s what I FEEL.

In my discoveries I saw that I needed to change the strategies of what I was doing, if I wanted to change the outcome. I took the most important things to me and essentially assigned priority as to the one that was my #1.

I discovered that getting exercise and eating with a healthy lifestyle is the most important to me. Being conscience of what I’m putting into my body.

SO what did I do? I wrote a list of circumstances, thoughts, possibilities of what could get in my way.

I logically understand that I must recognize my patterns and to see what stopped me b4. I will then have the awareness to know what to change.

Now the challenge comes in and to put myself to the test of what I am WILLING to do.

Where thinking gets me sometimes…

I realized the other day that I had not forgiven my estranged husband. I still had hard feelings for the situation I felt that I was forced into. How and why would anyone not communicate about the situation we put ourselves in? I feel that he couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on him as well as the overall situation itself. So he just left without letting me in about what his intentions were.

I’ll admit it; we pushed each others buttons and played TAG! I know that I will be accountable and honestly admit that I did. I had fear of our situation too.

In the beginning I had felt as if I could take on this debt load and without even thinking it through logically, I just went for it and tried to make it work. Selling, fixing and cleaning this mess up that I was left with. I did find some help along the way and those people came into my life to not only help me but to give me those extra learning lessons. -Tough lessons about money.

I feel that I have been living my life in a poverty consciousness because of my memories from my childhood and feeling as if I never have enough. Those thoughts, or shall I say habits? I have been ungrateful for the things I have in my life; instead of being thankful for what I did have. I’m learning that we are taught what we are exposed to. -Right? Were not born with knowing how to do much of anything in our life, we learned those things along the way; everything in life is a learning experience. It’s not anyone’s fault for not teaching u that. Actually it’s the other way around. I’m thankful that I have seen the light and can change it for generations to come.

Maybe the lesson in the next stepping stone for me in this chapter of my life is about money. I know that even with me going bankrupt that it can only get better from here forward and now that I have chosen to NOT care about what happens to Tom, I have opened myself up to healing.

In this life at this moment I am here to learn and discover ME, my power, who I am!

Harboring hate, anger, resentment, rage and revengefulness is poison to my body, and my number one priority in my life is to take care of my body through a healthy lifestyle and being conscience of what choices I make along with what goes into my body in every aspect. -External and Internal.

Awareness is the key and thank you for the clues along the way to assist me in discovering the things that I want in my life.

Thank You!

I have so many thoughts going on that I feel like blogging them when I get a chance..... Here's to remembering! My self awareness has grown to a whole new level and since November I've allowed myself to be in a victimized slump. I'm so grateful for the awareness I received at my last conference. So I want to share with you that every time I go to a Life changing conference... I grow to a level of high conscientiousness of my being. We all have the power within ourselves to be great and when WE decide to get connected to it, it's magical. I'm not all the way there but I'm definitely on the right path... I am learning new things about myself that assist me in new discoveries. But this conference was different... I have Self realizations instead. I feel that in itself those are Breakthroughs too. Thank you for all the moments!