3:30am, like clock work

I know that I must have blogged about this before, but it seems that 3:30am is the magic number of when I wake up. It was fine when I was going to the gym, but I am not going to the gym and haven't been for 5 months now. 

I do not like that I haven't been tot he gym. Definitely starting to lose muscle, but  working outside in my yard, is enough, right now! I will get back to it, but during cancer treatment... I will be going only to the necessary places as I do not want to risk my health, since my immune system will be "weakened" by treatment. ---Off topic tangent!

Why am I still waking up. What does my body want? I just don't know, but am hoping that in time, it will be revealed. 

Loving life and ensuring that I am focusing on JOY! 

I WILL beat this Cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gratitude for life and everything that is happening. -Thank you!

I don't wanna!

For so many months, I have dealt with what I thought were my hemorrhoids, but after seeing the doc and now the surgeon, it has been determined that it is an anal fissure. What the heck is an anal fissure? AND how the hell did this happen?

Turns out that the hemorrhoids may have been the start of this issue, but it gradually became worse and morphed into an anal fissure; she thinks. She actually has not been able to get in there to properly examine the severity of things. Anal fissures can be caused by a handful of things, but at this point, it would be hard to determine.

It was so bad that the pain was excruciating and almost unbearable. It didn't help that I needed to work full days, but grateful that I have a stand up desk to help alternate sitting with a heating pad to standing with my legs spread apart. 

Allow me take a few steps back and say that for months now, I have been working on some deep emotional injuries, trauma... maybe ancestral stuff? Not sure, but I haven't felt like myself for such a long time now, that I cannot even remember how far back it goes. I do know that over the past week, I finally felt a strong shift. I finally felt as if I was getting back to myself again. Emotionally always in bliss. Super happy about everything and loving life. Coincidentally my anal fissure has been decreasing and starting to heal. I feel strongly that this anal fissure and the emotional stuff that I've been going through is connected. What this is, I don't know, but the lesson of slowing down and being more in tune is definitely in my awareness.

Last week after meeting with the surgeon, it was decided the best course of actions was to move forward with surgery. The topical cream that I was prescribed was not working and I could not just sit back and keep relaxing, waiting for this to heal. So I scheduled the surgery for next Tuesday.

Weird thing happened, that night my anal fissure "Fred" reduced by 2/3rds and the pain was virtually gone. I'm not sure what happened, but I'll take the win! So what did I do, I rescheduled my surgery for Thursday. This way I can see the doc again on Monday and ABSOLUTELY be sure that surgery is needed. I feel like it's not, but I will leave that to the doctor.

Until then, I will keep continuing to do the deep tissue energetic work that Genius Frequency has enabled me to hone in on and trust that Monday's appointment with the surgeon will be whatever it is supposed to be. I don't wanna have surgery, but have made the decision that I will accept whatever it has to be. 

Feeling kinda blah

When I was thinking about what is on my mind today, all I got was blah. Don’t feel like doing much of anything lately. I do not like this feeling, but it makes me wonder why I am feeling this way.

For days now, it just feels as if I am wondering in my body as well as my mind. Puttering. Why no motivation? That is not like me at all.

I want to blame Fred; he is certainly not helping. I am trying to continue to take it easy and not aggravate him in any way; I want him to heal! I feel that he is the deep rooted reason why I feel lack of any motivation. I want to get into my yard and weed, dig and plant. I want to get into the areas of my yard that definitely appear to be growing with a plethora of weeds. I want to get outside and be with nature. I want to be outside “doing” something.

Trying to have patience, but it is starting to run short as I don’t like the way I’ve been feeling.

To the powers of the universe, please heal Fred and allow me to go back to resuming my daily activities, including the gym. I miss it and need those things in my life to keep balance

Evolution at work

As children we are at the mercy of our parents. For generations, the beliefs of our ancestors is passed down to the next generation. Therefore, our parent’s beliefs are projected onto their children. Not that it is bad or good. It is, what it is. 

Children grow up and take those beliefs and either fall into the same or not. That’s the beauty of self-preservation and freedom.

I have blogged about this before. Each time, the perspective is different, but overall the feeling has been the same. I was so upset and appalled at the actions of my husband’s ex-wife. Not only for the threats, but the rules that surrounded him in having a relationship with his children. She made it clear that if she did not get her way, then she would ruin his life. She did follow through on her promises, and the children and their father have become estranged for over a decade.  

It was rough in the beginning to sit idle and watch as the pain riddled through his psyche. But with endurance, love and time, that has changed! -I am so proud of my husband for digging himself out of the drama that surrounded this broken and bleary situation. For finding the strength to dig deeper and find himself, again. Not only find himself, but to evolve and grow into the man I know now. 

Setting all that aside, what bothered me the most is that the lies have penetrated this family so deeply that a child has gone to counseling to “deal” with something that isn’t even true. My hopes is that one day, these children will find out the truth about the situation. His ex-wife believes this made up story so much that it has become “her truth” and now, the children’s truth. However, the reality is that she forced someone to say something that wasn’t true. She never believed him and held the children hostage from him until he admitted to something that was never true in the first place. Even when he said what she wanted to hear, or in her case… she will say “suspected”, he still was not able to continue a relationship with his kids. Missing out on so much and creating this broken-ness!

She will say, I have recordings where you ultimately confessed, but the truth of the matter is… even though he repeatedly denied and pleaded with her, she never believed him. Not being able to see his children, hurt deeply! Therefore he knew that he had no choice but to succumb to this lie. He began to make up stories about what had happened, he couldn’t remember what he lied about and the story kept changing. She recognized that and started to record the conversations to “help” her remember what was said. Then proceeded to use those recordings against him, in helping destroy him. 

A mother wants what is best for their children and in this case, I feel so bad for the children! To lose their relationship with their loving father over a lie is just appalling!

One day, hopefully these kids will want to seek answers and my hope is that they rebuild their relationship. I know that I would love to get to know his children, and their children! He is such a wonderful man. I truly feel that his children would be an extension of such love. 

Cheers to hoping that change CAN and WILL happen. Trusting that the timing will be sooner, rather than later! But, if it never happens, then I am sad that the children have lost out on the opportunity to really see and learn about their father as adults, as parents themselves. 

With loving energy to the universal powers in unfolding the things that are SUPPOSED to be. –Thank you!

Change my mind

Thought I was done blogging, but the truth is that I'm not!

I could go to counseling. I could journal. I could, I could, I could. BUT I am not!

I like the ability to be able to blog. It's like journaling, I guess. It is public, and I'm an open book. I don't care what others think of me, nor do their opinions count in my world. On that same note, I'm sure others may not care to hear what I have to say. AND that's okay. This is for me!

Honestly, if I wanted to seek advice, then I will choose who to seek that from. I have a couple of highly regarded people in my life who I feel a deep connection with. A connection that warrants the desire to seek guidance on things in my life.

So in short, I'm back to blogging again. I have found that while I am writing, at times the answers come to me. What a world of self medicating. What an eye opening experience this has been in taking my thoughts and feelings online.

Cheers to the freedom of self expression. 

Real me?

When I smoke a little flower, things change for me. I become super critical of me.

My awareness shows me that I am 2 different people when I’m smoking, or I’m not. What parts are real? Is my mind on warp speed? Can be. When I really don’t want to do something, or I have less energy. I can just have a quick smoke and, I’m off and gassed up as J would say. I can lite a fire to motivate myself to keep going.

I have an ideation of who I am, and what I look like. I’m not living that truth right now and sometimes; I just find myself not where I want to be. Making decision that I am not happy with, like… chocolate, junk food, fast food, soda. That is not how I want to feed my body! Where is my self-control?

I want to be working outside, digging my hands in the dirt and designing a beautiful, landscaped home!

Making plans for my future self! Just go, be! Be me to have the freedom to discover what that is. The question is who am I? What does that look like? -Perception, creativeness, discovery, stretching, unwinding and... I'm open!

Unraveling

I have so many thoughts, and as each day passes, I feel as if I am unraveling more and more, becoming more emotional. Starting to lose it! Emotionally, and mentally! I feel physically on auto pilot, just pushing through the motions, but allowing myself permission to allow these emotions to come through.

Negative thoughts of myself and the perception of who I am… I am starting to question every part of it! Every part of me. My past, my actions, hell, my future, my emotions, and self-doubt. Of course, I understand that I am my worst critic and I continually beat myself up over, nothing. Self bullshit! What is happening to me? Why are these feelings getting stronger and stronger? As I write these words, tears are filling my eyes! I feel as if “something” is starting to surface. Perhaps it is as Brian states. Ancestorial baggage? Realization that I, myself am not being true to my core. I too realize that I am still wearing a mask. Not all the time but am starting to understand that the true essence of who I am is bubbling through.

Let’s be real about my career choice. I understand that I make a great Controller in the right environment. I am a control freak! Yes, I’ll admit it. As I say that though, I realize, that over the course of the past few years… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hate Accounting and I just don’t think I want to do it anymore! I can be mean at times. I can be selfish at times. Some, most days… I don’t care about others! Where is the humanity in that? Conditioning of the trauma I endured in always on the lookout for my best interest. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want to act. I want to change. I need to make that change, for me! How, and in what way? These are all great questions. Questions that I feel that my deepest thoughts and vibrational energy is shining through to my core. My soul is bubbling through, and it is starting to, maybe has been resonating through, and NOW, finally… I think that the timing is arriving for me to start making those changes.

I am ready! Bring it on. Make me cry. Make me be real. Help me in allowing myself to transition through, whatever this is! I am ready!

I am all over the place, and I feel that allowing myself to be real, and expressing it out loud will allow me the space to feel safe enough to FINALLY express myself without a filter. Whole heartedly!

Cheers to change in all the uncomfortable emotions, feelings and crap that comes with it as I go through, whatever this is. Bring it on! I will conquer this and shine through on the other side as a renewed sense of self and energy.

CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE

I know that if you focus your time, thoughts, and energy on things of your choosing, then you will get more of that. So why have I become so negative? Really, it’s a choice, and I fell victim to this due to my current circumstances over the past 9 months of living apart from my family. I ALLOWED it!

How many times have I preached “have gratitude” be grateful for what and where you are “now” But lately, I feel myself becoming more cynical of myself. Kind of a nag! Complainer! Bitchy! Totally not me!

Do I want something to change, yes? How do I make that happen? I still don’t know, but when the timing is right, it will happen. I need to remember not to pressure myself into making a decision that would be a mistake!

Today, I am remembering to stay true to my beliefs, have patience and love each moment, in the moment. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

Here’s to making mistakes, recognizing them, and moving forward.