Contrast to C-L-A-R-I-T-Y

 As I heard myself complaining today, I thought… change my record. So, let’s talk about some real contrast.

I choose healthy choices to feed my body

Right now, I eat like shit. Total shit! Red meat more than I’d like. Want vegetables to be my main entrée again. Stop eating fast food, eating out, refined sugar and cut down on sugar altogether!

I choose to expand myself athletically everyday whether that is swimming, spinning, working out or doing some yoga or stretching, hell yard work counts, for sure!

I’m not happy how my body looks. J says I’m getting older, but I don’t want that to be my excuse. I want to be slim and toned, fit! -I'm so close; just need to keep grinding away.

Those 2 things are in correlation with each other. Change my record, change my mindset. I need to eliminate some responsibilities first! Starting with my job! Then make some changes in my schedule.

Awakened

On the day of Awaken, Donny said to me, well actually to the Network doc who was entraining me “You know what her deal is, she loves the concept of awaken” What? I feel the most alive I’ve felt in my entire life! My eyes are open, I’m awake! WTF, what do you mean?

What is awaken? What is its true definition?

It’s a verb, its true definition is: to awake; waken.

Then Donny entrains me, or shall I say ROCKS MY WORLD!

Let’s take a step back. I want to encompass the entire picture here. -----Not too long ago, I blogged about a layer of tears lingering under the surface. I didn’t know what they were, or why they were present in that moment. I didn’t know why they had been triggered, or by what. I wasn’t questioning them either. I just knew they were there. Of course I wanted to know what they were, but more so, I wanted them to rise to the surface so that I could allow the feelings to be expressed. BUT NO, that never happened. Since the day I blogged, I’ve let them go; forgotten about them really. Honestly that day, they were very present to my body and since then, the feeling had subsided.

By the way, a big shout out to Donny. THANK YOU!!!!!

Okay, back to my kick ass entrainment… When I was on the table and Donny was telling me that the feeling of being awaken is not separate from me, invite them in and be one in unity. Okay, let’s bring my energy, attention and breath together. AND then… BOOM, just like that it happened, my mouth opened, and a very DEEP sound came from deep within; like it had just escaped freely from god knows where. Then the tears just flowed, and flowed. Snot flowed and more tears; uncontrollably I just allowed them to flow. I didn’t care what I looked like, this felt GOOD. I remember feeling someone tucking tissue into my hand (thank you) and needless to say… it just wasn't enough, but OMG... THANK YOU!!!!! After my entrainment, I was then carried to the floor, I curled up into the fetal position and continued to cry obsessively. It felt so good, like I was releasing something that had been shackled, and held back, but had finally been released. OMG sums it up!

After that moment, the bliss of truly being awakened was present. The love that filled my heart, my entire spiritual being was overflowing with gratitude. In that moment, I felt as if I was lighter in light and that I was on cloud infinity. I cannot ever remember a time, of ever feeling as if I did… in that very moment. 

To live a life in Awaken is a gift that I am so thankful for. I thought I was awake, but now I know different. I can see and feel the difference within my own soul. Thank you for this gift, thank you for the true spirit, thank you for the essence of light and thank god for being our creator. Life is heaven. Sure we may encounter challenging tests, but happiness is a choice, and love is always present. 

Give love, give life, live in peace and be true to your spirit.

Looking at the CONTRAST... to finding the clarity.

I am never afraid to go after what I want. The big question for me right now is? What do I want? Isn’t that what Michael Losier would say? Let’s look at the contrast first. Let’s really process through the parts I don’t like. Let’s shift the awareness, and find those answers.

Right now, I feel as if I’m spinning out of control. Control of myself; mentally, spiritually, professionally, personally. Am I spending too much energy on my physical self? Not making time for the spiritual and mental parts that are equally as important.  Whoa… shit just got real. Awareness is like this big spotlight that is like super bright, and it’s right on those parts that are a bit tender right now. 

When I allow my mind to wander, I feel the faded layer, and tears coming up. Is it bound energy being freed from the shackles of a hindered past. Or is it my present moment. The moment where I feel as if spinning out of control is normal. -The new normal. Ugh!!! NO. –Thank you AWARENESS! It’s time to do my own Clarity to Contrast worksheet. Only then, will I find those answers. The answers that are so challenging to find without the right tools! Perhaps a different perspective; a shift in seeing things differently. As you know… everything is a process.

Okay… to finding those challenging answers.

Fight for wat you want

So many times I find myself fighting for others.

When I was younger... fight to make your parents happy.
When I had children... fight to do whatever it takes to make a "happy" life for your children.
Relationship... fight for each other. Do whatever it takes to make it work!

Now it's my turn!

For so long I've wanted to work on me, but the distractions of life and life with children sometimes made that a challenge. So I put myself on hold. Now that my children are no longer at home... it's time... I have made the conscience decision to fight for "me" -Time to love, cherish and encourage myself to be me. Whatever that is.

But in looking through the looking glass, I've just recently discovered that I can't split myself between a relationship and wholeheartedly work on myself. I feel that I am selfish, and ignoring those around me who love me. Bottom line... I can no longer divide myself into different parts. Trust me, I've tried! I just cannot go on like this anymore!!!!!

Today is the day I've finally decided to stop! It's time to stand up for me. Not my relationship, but for me. If that means that I'm alone, then so be it, but I cannot go on like this any longer.

I HAVE to stop splitting myself up between my relationship and myself. It's time to free myself from the straps of being able to live freely and love myself deeply and wholeheartedly.

This is painful, but I think it's best. The saying is... if you love someone so much, set them free.

Timing is everything, and even though I have spent many years in trying... I just can't do it any longer.

I'm done!

Strength & Courage

All my life, I’ve NEVER had to worry about what I eat, when I eat or what my relationship with food really was. Except for the fact that I love to cook and bake anything I could. Oh, and I definitely loved to eat it ALL! Until I reached my mid-late 30’s… and then it happened. OMG, all of a sudden I got on the scale one day, I was at my post pregnancy weight, and I wasn’t pregnant. What the hell just happened? Did I become that comfortable with life?

With my father’s side of the family being riddled with overweight-ness/obesity and diabetes, I knew in that moment that something had to give. I had to live my life differently. I had to love my body and adjust my love for food.

I did change my life back in 2007 after meeting Bill Phillips, and I changed it even more in 2011 when I joined Isagenix. However somewhere between all the major life changes in between now and then, I reverted to eating what I want, when I want with no mind/body connection.

So, long story short… I set off on a journey to change my lifestyle –AGAIN. But this time I’ve made some major adjustments of becoming healthier. This time, it’s for good!

I’m not going to get into what I did, but in the last 90 days, but, I’ve seen a massive  transformation with myself, my eating habits, and my attitude. I’ve lost 20 pounds and I’m dwindling down. All I gotta say is “I feel good” I’m full of energy and I’m ready to rule the world again!

Thank you to “me” --awareness. Thank you for my scale which showed me that I had become out of control. Thank you for LA Fitness in making this affordable, and for having such wonderful support staff in answering my questions and keeping it real. Thank you Josh for being the “kick ass” Personal Trainer that you are. Thank you to my partner who supports me in my eating habits. Thank you to the renewed energy of discovering that I can get myself back with some hard work, strength, courage and determination.

I’m so happy to report that with this strength and courage that I’ve rediscovered, my trainer has asked me to be part of a 10 man team to run an 8K “Navy Seal” obstacle course in December.  I’m honored that he has asked me to be part of this team. I know that with my prior injuries, I have a ways to go in my training, but I will succeed! I’m pumped and super excited to make this happen. Maybe then, I can go back to running marathons??

Focused like a laser beam!

Knowing your triad of change

What is the triad of change? How does it work? Well Donald Epstein is the one who taught me this gift, and instead of trying to explain it, I would rather introduce you to Network Care, and the “many” gifts that it offers. 

Right now, my triad is: Behavior, Structure, and Perception. What does that mean???? --If I act on a certain structure then it will be a positive thing. If I think about what I should be acting upon, I am draining my energy.

I realized this weekend that I’m relatively stuck in Perception, which is draining my energy. I’m analytical, and thinking is what I do. I know that if I do what I’m thinking about, instead of just thinking about doing, life will resonate and flow with ease.

How I ended up here –AGAIN is amazing! To me, in this moment, I am celebrating the smaller moments in time that it takes me to see with open eyes; to realize that I’m re-tracing and visiting those old patterns.

I know that inevitably, we will never forget, but how we choose to move forward… makes all the difference in the world!

Thank you Network Care for giving me the tools to revisit these old patterns, and not get stuck (for too long)

Where thinking gets me sometimes…

I realized the other day that I had not forgiven my estranged husband. I still had hard feelings for the situation I felt that I was forced into. How and why would anyone not communicate about the situation we put ourselves in? I feel that he couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on him as well as the overall situation itself. So he just left without letting me in about what his intentions were.

I’ll admit it; we pushed each others buttons and played TAG! I know that I will be accountable and honestly admit that I did. I had fear of our situation too.

In the beginning I had felt as if I could take on this debt load and without even thinking it through logically, I just went for it and tried to make it work. Selling, fixing and cleaning this mess up that I was left with. I did find some help along the way and those people came into my life to not only help me but to give me those extra learning lessons. -Tough lessons about money.

I feel that I have been living my life in a poverty consciousness because of my memories from my childhood and feeling as if I never have enough. Those thoughts, or shall I say habits? I have been ungrateful for the things I have in my life; instead of being thankful for what I did have. I’m learning that we are taught what we are exposed to. -Right? Were not born with knowing how to do much of anything in our life, we learned those things along the way; everything in life is a learning experience. It’s not anyone’s fault for not teaching u that. Actually it’s the other way around. I’m thankful that I have seen the light and can change it for generations to come.

Maybe the lesson in the next stepping stone for me in this chapter of my life is about money. I know that even with me going bankrupt that it can only get better from here forward and now that I have chosen to NOT care about what happens to Tom, I have opened myself up to healing.

In this life at this moment I am here to learn and discover ME, my power, who I am!

Harboring hate, anger, resentment, rage and revengefulness is poison to my body, and my number one priority in my life is to take care of my body through a healthy lifestyle and being conscience of what choices I make along with what goes into my body in every aspect. -External and Internal.

Awareness is the key and thank you for the clues along the way to assist me in discovering the things that I want in my life.

Lightening the load for SANITY!

The question I have been fighting with myself is…Who do I believe in? Me? or GOD? Is it OK to believe in both? I feel that GOD did create me and the vast universe. AND… it’s ok to believe in myself. I’m here because of GOD? What does that mean? Historically the bible says that he created everything right? Well for me… I believe that it’s me living my life, and I’m humbled with regards to where I am right now. I am uncertain about history and how it all started; I just know that I’m here. I believe that I am to glorify GOD by living a happy and purposeful life. I know that I did not create this chaos in my life on my own, and without the other person, it is impossible to get out of it by myself. This is insane! I did everything I could to deal with this on my own and I feel as if I am going crazy because of it. I feel as if I’m no longer in control. Now that I made the decision, I truly understand a deeper meaning of letting go! –Still not the circumstances I would’ve ever asked for but those lessons in life keep me humble and aware of the actions or reactions I must make in my life. Letting go is such a sense of relief! -Not something that’s easy for me. This time, holding onto to something so big has certainly forced me to let go for my own sanity. Scared as I have no idea of what’s about to happen in my life as this is a road I have never traveled on. It’s scary because it’s new and uncomfortable. This time I feel that everything will be ok. I’m putting my trust in GOD. Recently I learned that I have been dying unto myself. …? What does that mean…? It means that I no longer try to control my life and its direction. I am doing what feels right and just following my heart. Living life day by day and planning, but am aware that things could change at any time. - (Especially when you have kids!) I know and trust that somehow miraculously everything will work out. AND For once in my life, I am not trying to figure it out. That in itself is a grand feeling. Leave the brain to work on other things. Whatever happens…happens. I just feel as if I have been busting my ass for years and nothing has ever been for me; always someone else! –Parents, husband, family, business, bosses, kids and so on. Well I still do things for my kids… as a matter of fact I’m doing this for the stability for them. But this time I know that GOD has a plan that I don’t understand, but I am open to following him with an open heart and mind. Life is changing.... and I’m excited! This time as life is changing… I am feeling it more within my heart not my head. God bless you and your family and from my family to yours… Happy New Year!

Thank you for the awareness!

Tonight I met a gentleman who I believe has been brought into my life for a reason…. A reason for which I am not sure but the magnitude of the connection was unbelievable! It’s late and I just wanted to share that with you….. I am grateful for the process and the journey in which I am on. Today was beautiful and I had a blast! 

 Love and light Kim