Here I am again! Rinse and repeat. Ugh!!!

I thought when I quit my job, I could “actually” follow through with it all. I did, but because I’m a team player, I agreed to stay on to get them through the HRIS migration and most likely need to stay on through the end of the year (Feb 2026) to get them in a good place. Buuuuut I am regretting this decision. I am soooooo tired. I am sooooo burnt out, I just cannot motivate myself to DO anything. >>> I want to, and I am fully aware that IF I want to see the change, then I MUST take… action! Only then will I see, and most likely feel the difference! I know that when I attended the gym more regularly, I had an incredible amount of energy. I want that again!

Truth be told, I have never been the same after the cancer treatment and I thought it was that. + after hurricane Helene, the water quality was horribly chemicalized so that we couldn’t get to the gym for several months until it was repaired, let alone staffed again. Jay keeps telling me it’s my age. Either way, I’m not willing to accept my excuses. I wholeheartedly believe that mindset plays a big part and, in my mind… I cannot allow this shit to go on for much longer. It’s too painful. I have allowed myself to become weak, weaker than I have ever been, and I hate it! Soooo, I already hear myself saying… you see the contrast, stop your fucking whining and go do something about it.

Big sigh… I am so tired. I feel that I need to recharge and take care of my body before I can push myself back into that. But when will I get the time to do that? I already work FT and now my mom is here, and she wants me to go, go, go. OMG! Isn’t anyone hearing me. Leave me the fuck alone! I’M TIRED!

I know in my heart of hearts; I will get tired of hearing myself whine about it and will “actually” get up and do something about it. I do now, but not consistently.

Please help me find the strength to just hang on for 6 more months. I promise I’m going to follow through with these decisions. I just need to button things up before I move into a PT role and slowly transition myself into a better space. Help me to stay strong just s little bit longer.

Love and Light to the great divine!

Failed? Wavered? or Shifted?

I originally saw it as failed since I wavered on my original decision, but I know now that after some reflection, I realize that this would be a wonderful baby step to have one foot out and the other in.

In further discussion and considering some changes, it makes sense that going part-time would work. It works for the business needs and is a good compromise to taking baby steps and not just going full throttle… like I usually do! I am so drastic in my decisions! So, as I evolve, why not be open to this too! We’re still negotiating, but I feel good about this decision. This will allow me to have the time and space to self-discover, to start doing more of what I LOVE! Not to mention, finally having time off to explore.

Years ago, we had the opportunity to provide Jason with the gift of time and space to do nothing. He was able to do the things that he enjoyed doing or just having the time to do “nothing”. The gift of time, in my opinion, is such a great gift. He became clearer on what he wanted, and he followed that path and became extremely successful! I am so proud of him!

Now, it’s my turn to get the gift of time. I’m very excited, yet nervous at the same time. Jason knows that I cannot sit still. I wish I could, but that is just not in my DNA. Honestly, if you knew my grandma, at 96, she was still the same way and my mother… OMG, yeeees! So, working PT is a good baby step for me. Thank you to the universe for unfolding my heart’s desire. Although not the path I would’ve ever thought, nonetheless, it is the path!

I QUIT!

So, I did it. I quit my job! 

Well, truth be told, I just discovered that we are going to be undergoing another HRIS migration. Ugh! I just did this last year with a 1/1/25 live date! Therefore I agreed to stay on until they are on the other side of this migration. That is scheduled for a 11/1/25 live date, so what are a few more months. 

In the meantime, I have set some clear boundaries for myself. 

1. Work my schedule and keep the excess tasks out of my personal time. I just cannot allow those boundaries to get blurred, again! >>> I’m burnt out, so the transition of compartmentalizing will be easier to maintain. 
2. Ensure that I don’t waver on my decision. Stay strong, for me!
3. Stay engaged with my job as I need to give everything my full attention, while I am still there. 

All Lies!

I had no idea that the food labels are not accurate. Actually it is in the benefit of the food manufacturer. OMG What?

So there is an actual formula and I'm discovering how to apply that knowledge into power. 

What are my challenges?

Food is my biggest challenge. Especially sugar. 

Finding recipes to cook each meal prep

• 3500 calories= 1# of fat
• ½ body weight of ounces and water
• 1 gram of fat = 9 calories 

What now?

Sometimes it's easier to do, that to feel. 

So if I no longer want to be the super go, go, go girl because that is living life through my masculinity, then how do I do what I love to do. I only want to work in my yard. No, not really, I want to go kayak and get outdoors to play more. It seems all we did/do is work, work, work. A break here and there but not often. Perhaps still doing those things, but slower. Get a bit dirtier because you need to sit. Please...  universal laws help me move this into motion. My question requires some clarity in knowing how to live life through femininity and living through soul.

I want to get back to work. Why? I cannot sit at home all day. I feel the day is wasted mostly on mindless TV. -driving me nuts! I can keep myself busy with some things, but nothing super serious, right now. No energy for the gym or basically standing for long period of time, just yet.

Working will help keep me busy, but remembering to have WL balance in not burning out will be vital to my longevity in this company. No self inflicted deadlines. Emotionally connect with the task and take my time to resolve it. 

I've been a tomboy all my life. I like it. I like getting down and dirty with things. Not so much a girly girl. Maybe that needs to shift? Not a full swing to the opposite of the pendulum, but living life through being within my femininity. Actually, now that I think of it... It's a dance we do. Not always in one or another, all the time. But living a life in harmony through soul for both!

Surrendering

It is amazing to me that I am continuing to fight with myself. Surrendering to not having the energy to be myself and do the things that I'd like to do. Mostly outside, working in my yard, but nonetheless. Stopped in my tracks!

Does this mean that there must be a "new" me? I must surrender to the old ways of living my life to realigning to the new me? New me? What does that mean? No matter what is happening... I feel the shift happening within my soul and now, more than ever... I am ready for it!

My entire life, I have had to be on survival mode. Yes, that's right... as child to survive my parents neglect & abuse, as a teenager to survive leaving home and make it on my own, and so and so on. I won't get into that as that is not what I want to talk about. For me, that meant... always living my life through the masculinity and staying tough to survive. Not feeling like a victim of it, just recognizing the necessity of not living my life through my femininity. 

Just recently, even though I've have had discussions before with Brian... he reminded me again that... My entire life, I've lived through my masculinity, but the conscious shift has organically been happening within my soul in shifting to living my life through femininity. I don't understand what that feels like or what that even means. 

During my last session, I asked Brian. He helped my understand that masculinity is doing and femininity is feeling. What an ah ha moment!!!

Over the past few years, I have been feeling the shift of doing things that "feel" good vs just being a good soldier and do what I'm told without challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm still "doing", but definitely feeling has been more in the forefront of all my decisions. 

So grateful for the teachers in my life and the openness in allowing the messages to be received. Thank you!

Took a tumble today.

I went outside to place plants where they should be planted, Walking back to the house, I felt super dizzy. I had to stop a few times, to breathe, I remember asking Tyler to come help me walk to the house. I needed help standing up. I was trying to go sit down. Apparently, on the way, trying to get myself in… I fainted twice. Once falling on the gravel driveway. Second time, Tyler caught me.

I feel bad as I’m not wearing any panties and this is a short dress. After the radiation side effects to my rectum... I’m allowing areas to be exposed to the air. I’m sure it was full exposure to Tyler when I fell. I don't know what he did/didn't see. It was weird to just wake up to Tyler asking "mom, mom, are you okay?" I remember each time waking up to Tyler asking if I'm okay, sitting on the garage step, where I remember peeing a little. What an experience. I over did it today, again. This time, I have war wounds. My shoulder, both knees, my face and my chest are all pretty banged up.

Too tired to wash my hair

Since I have not been taking my proestro consistently, I have been experiencing hot flashes, like crazy! It's gross as I get a bit sweaty, and like excessively.  I feel like I want the bed sheets washed every couple days.

Taking a shower is not that crazy, but it's crazy how tired I get IF I have to wash my hair.

This is SLOW! Definitely made me slow my role. Fuck Cancer treatment! The side effects of all this poison is horrendous, but yet I'm grateful for the cure to be available! Taking things MUCH slower these days. AND allowing myself to let other things go. 

My skin is so angry with me. OMG!

So last week was a moment of reality that I had too much on my plate and that I could barely hang on too all of it. Not to mention the need to work remotely. So much has changed. I gave notice to leave my job.

Their policy is to separate, cut all ties... right away. To longer be attached to my employer... NICE! -relieved as I don't think I could've mustered energy to train, update and explain stuff. So I'm grateful. Brutal if I had to stay on, but a relief in finishing that chapter.  -How many chapters would be in a book of all my experiences?  -Now I'm curious!

Anywhoo... Doing what I need to do with sitz baths... better in my own bathroom. My rectum has like this ring of fire where the skin around my rectum is burnt/red/swollen and so angry with me! I am applying Vaseline to the dried out areas, but doing what is necessary in helping me find comfort during this experience has been a learning experience. Whoa!

Vicious Cyle

I absolutely hate that I am taking drugs for this cancer! Necessary, but still hate it!

I am in week 3 of this 6 week bout with the medicinal & radiation regimen and the vicious cycle has already begun. Chemo pills for the cancer, nausea meds so I can eat. Although, I still am not able to eat a lot of the foods I love. They just make me sick thinking about it, let alone smelling it. Fluconazole for the imbalanced flora and  now a new medicine for the UTI symptoms that are starting to arise. I haven't picked up this prescription, yet... but it is supposed to numb your bladder. OMG. 

Short term, short term, short term... this is what I keep saying to myself, but I HATE IT SOOOOOOOO much! 

Grateful for the modern medicine to eliminate this cancer, but not happy at the present moment. Trying to stay grateful and keep a positive open mind about this process. 

ANGRY!

Sunday I was outside digging up the bee balm from the yard as we are moving it to another part of the yard. As I was digging the new holes, I discovered a few areas that were a bit rocky that required a bigger tool that would cut through the rock. When I got to the last few holes, there was a section that I feel were just pure rock! Nonetheless that didn't stop me from continuing to try to dig the hole. I got through 2 and as I was swinging this tool into the third one, I felt the burning fire of anger, almost rage... go through my body, then tears broke through.

So ANGRY at this CANCER! Why me? Why now? I cannot understand, as I am SOOOOO careful of my body. Truthfully careless in my younger years through my early 30's, but the later part of my life. So picky of the things that I put into my body. Food, no western medicine, but definitely cannot say that I am not guilty of smoking my plant medicine. Not so much anymore as I feel I have outgrown all that, but still I cannot understand why me? How did this happen? No one can answer that question, not even the doctors. They tell me, that I did everything right! Nonetheless, I accept it. Doesn't mean that I cannot feel the anger of this situation. 

Grateful for my  session with Brian today! 

Before my session, I could feel the lining of anger, tears and deep emotions that were at the surface, just awaiting to be released. I couldn't even take a deep breath; trust me I tried too. 

After my incredible session, I could feel that I had moved through the anger in acceptance and the emotional tears were falling down my face at many moments throughout the remainder of the day. Thankful for the emotional tears. I will accept my situation with the loving grace of my soul in knowing that the gifts from this situation will be presented at the right time. Maybe the gift of slowing down. Maybe the gift of learning to trust others in my care. Maybe the gift of ???? --I just don't know, but... Thank you! 

Still trusting the process and giving up the control to the greater powers above that clearly have a plan for me! I will remain open to allowing these gifts to be received with an open heart.-Thank you!

Day 10 of 30

So grateful for the wisdom of being connected with my own body!

I can remember the days where I was living my life, with disconnection. Seeking outward attention and not loving myself. I would have the illusion of "saying" that I love myself, but I know now, I wasn't truly loving myself! With all honesty, I still have a bit to go as I still am hard on myself about my own body "image", but the connection to my body, now... is amazing! As time passes, the connection becomes deeper and deeper -Thank you!

Here we are at day 10. So grateful for the ability to eat food, having the ability to be gentle with myself and be in love with the healing of this cancer. Finding the balance to what works, has been the key and I am so grateful for this gift in having the ability to see this as a gift. 

So many people that I have spoken with are in shock that I am still working full time, that I am handling these appointments on my own, I am still working out in my yard on the weekends, I am doing me! I don't understand... shall I be a victim of this experience? Honestly, everything is a choice, and I choose to not ALLOW this to change me or sway be into that mentality. Don't get me wrong, I have my lower level days, where shit is not good, but I am a survivor and I will prevail. So with that being said. 

Happy Friday to the day today and here's to week 2, done! -Well, almost... but you get the point. Tomorrow brings a weekend break and a breathe of normalcy for a hot minute. So welcoming, so grateful!

Cheers!

Day 3

OMG this nausea is for real! The thought of food is making me sick. Still refusing to take the nausea medicine as the papaya has been doing okay. Thinking that I will also add in some essential oils. BUT giving myself permission to not torture myself if this gets worse! My body DOES NOT like these meds.

Good news, it doesn't last all day, just a few hours after I take the pills and I get a break on non-radiation days, so Saturdays and Sundays, but OMG it's like being in my first trimester of my pregnancy... all over again!

Yesterday's session was great. For the first time in a hot minute... I felt the crack of sunshine that brought the gratitude through my chest. Like cracking me open with a smile and happiness. Will be continuing my sessions weekly to ensure that I stay grounded and in spirit. ----Still trusting this process, but now understand why people can feel the way they do and feel hopelessness... This is just the beginning, but I know that I will get through this. 

Day 1

From the day I received the news, it has been like nothing has changed for me. Fred is gone, but the underlying symptoms are still there. -I know that IF I don't eat healthy, then I pay the price. So eating healthy has been an important habit that I am SO glad I got YEARS ago! Not to mention drinking a crap ton of water, daily!

On 5/31 I had the port installed, that was weird and having this device sticking out of my chest has been very weird for me, but all in all, everything has been the same. 

Today though has been an emotionally tough day. It is the first day that the cancer drug is being given to me through my port. Cancer drugs! OMG! 1 hour visit and then I'm outta here. I can already feel how high my emotions are and will probably be for sometime. This shit just got real. Cancer "pills" drugs and radiation start tomorrow! 

Thankful for modern medicine, but cannot wait until this is done!

Here's to day 1 and every day afterwards. I will beat this and be okay in the end. I can do this!

Remembering to love life and trusting the process through all these emotions! -Thank you for the awareness.

Accepting things!

When I was given the news that I had cancer, I thought... nothing actually! I made phone calls, lots of calls... actually. But after everything settled down... I thought I would be able to beat this naturally and I wasn't worried at all. So like anyone in my situation, I went straight to google and started to research, research and research! I asked questions and tried to figure it out. 

After understanding that this cancer is something different than the usual cancer, like breast cancer, I came to realize that squamous cell carcinoma is a whole different ball game and had to be treated differently. Now knowing what I know, I have accepted that this cancer is, what it is and that, I will not be-able to go the natural route. 

You think in life that you do everything right, eat healthy (mostly) and live right.... and with no family history, it wouldn't be something that you see in your lifetime. Nope, there is no discrimination!

Needless to say, I have given myself permission to not be strong in the numerous needle pokes for blood work and to make this as easy as possible. Accepting this hasn't been an easy decision, but allowing myself to just be in the moment, is the gift within itself. Taking things day by day. Trusting the process and remembering to love myself in whatever the situation. 

On my mind

Work is winding down. Month-end is coming up next week, but for the most part, it's settling down. There is so much going on with my employer. Question is... how long will the doors stay open? If the owner continues to spend more than he is bringing in... it's questionable! Things are very tight, well... drowning in payables, that we do not have the funds to pay. I hope the owner's "plan" works out for him. Honestly, I'm running out of projects, and starting to get bored. In a few week's I'll start working remotely more and more as I continue this cancer treatment. Probably make some weekend visits and start getting the personal stuff from my office to bring home. Now that we are finally "nesting" -Can' wait to see how things will look once were settled.

Radiologist Oncologist said that what I eat now, will have no effect on anything. So, I gave myself permission. Still eating healthy, not splurging out of control, but I totally bought some junk yesterday. Cookies, ice cream and some cinnamon bears to share with J. Have a bit of guilt, but, not really! He shared with me that some people... eat a bag of chips and a 2liter of soda for breakfast. That is crazy to me... I cannot even imagine... I would be SOOOOOO sick! 

Mom is coming. Happy that "someone" is there to help get the weeds out of the landscaping. I've been able to get "some" done, but there is far more that needs to be. Honestly, I'm just taking things day by day and trying to stay out of my head as to the future "me" when I'm undergoing cancer treatment. Bottom line, is that... I have to eat and stay hydrated. Daily walks would be good for me, and probably the dogs too. -Cheers to staying healthy and very functional during treatment. Baby steps!

Excited for the upcoming trip to WA. Connect with my dad and see CJ if he is available. Not to mention, all the yummy places we are going to go and eat. Reminisce and see if it still tastes just as delicious as before. 

Just checking in for today. Stay grateful and fill your day with JOY!

Numb

I am feeling so numb!

I was told that I have cancer and I cried the first day, but ever since then I just have not really "felt" anything outside of my sessions with Brian. 

The statistics are good for this "common" cancer, but I feel that I am NOT feeling. Despite being borderline of not being responsive to treatment (as I am being told), I am convinced that I WILL beat this cancer.

I feel that Brian said it so clearly yesterday with the affirmations during my session. "Sometimes it's easier to "do" than to feel". I feel this is so true for me right now. Am I not feeling things? Am I numb? As I am writing this, tears are rolling down my face. So, I am going to have to say, yes! I think I need to just "be" with this news. Really BE with it. What the FUCK does that mean or even look like?

In our family "feelings" was not a thing we really connected with, so experience is not something I have mastered. Although my work with network care has brought me leaps and bounds further than I have ever been. I am feeling that with this news... I should be a basket case or something? right?

I know there is no right or wrong answer in how I deal with this, but after yesterday's session with Brian... I am just feeling as if I am numb! So here it goes...

To the universe and greater powers that be, please show me the direction in helping me connect and start processing this cancer. 

Still trusting the process.

Educated

When Fred was around, I was learning a lot about my body; spending more time with butt hole than I ever dreamed that I would be doing. Good to be in touch with my body!

I have been spending time in getting to better understand more about this cancer and have come to the realization that my prior thoughts have SOME truth in them. 

The urgency from the doctor to start treatment right away is finally understood. My cancer is on the borderline of not being receptive to treatment. In perspective... the human anal canal is roughly 4cm in length. My cancer is 3.5-4cm in length and 2cm wide. Which for that area, is really big. If I do not eliminate this cancer, then I am at risk of having to have a colostomy and wearing a ostomy bag for the rest of my life. -That is scary to me. 

Chemotherapy and radiation goes so far against my belief ! Scary! Not just the drugs and the side effects, but the vicious cycle I may be at risk for, not to mention the weakened immune system from the treatment. The unknowns here, are hard to swallow. I guess there will be a new normal, temporary normal, but amazing how this roller coaster of life has continued to forge forward. 

I am learning some, but not purposely learning about the other parts. I figure, I MUST trust the experts and just focus on me and my well being. 

Cheers to joy and healing!

  

Trust in what?

What scares me the most out of this "CANCER" is the radiation and chemotherapy. Talk about a disruption to my life and my body. 

I don't even like to take prescription anything; western medicine to me, is a vicious cycle. Short term is tolerable.

I am about to get the crash course in cancer. Again, short term, but these drugs scare me. I have so many upcoming doctors appointments. I no longer want to research the drugs or radiation. It is depressing me. Brian says "earth is a trauma based learning center". I can totally resonate with that statement.

Short and sweet today, but this whole cancer thing is CRAZY!

I have to have another surgery in order to have an intravenous "port" put in for chemo therapy. I only need to have 2 of those, but will be on a specialty pill concoction for 6 weeks. Radiation 5 days a week for the 6 weeks. OMG, please help me discover this disconnection with this cancerous spot. My PET Scan is on 5/30/23. Can my Genius Frequency "GF" connection help this to be gone before the scan? Maybe I delay surgery and scan by 60 days?  --What is the right decision? How does my plant teacher play into this?

I am still processing things, BUT I must trust in this process. I also must only focus on JOY right now. 

What brings you joy?

Thanks Brian for holding me accountable. Awareness to a deeper connection.

So this has been on my mind and I feel that I have been overthinking it. Totally. I had to think of it differently to make the connection. 

So for me, it's what makes me smile? I have been catching myself smiling in the activities, tasks, chores, things that are in my life. --Things like:

Family, especially J, we compliment each other so well in our relationship. Love the kids, who are not kids anymore.

Gardening, labor of love! Recognized the smile as I was outside yesterday, digging up weeds and over sprayed hydroseeded grass... got a good workout and the colors are coming together nicely. Ahhh, labor of love. Can't wait to see the landscaping in 3-5 years, it's a long term plan. 

Roux & Mia, dog poo is not my favorite thing to do, but playing with the dogs is fun!

Food, not only eating it, but cooking it too! I loooove good food. 

Rocks, boy, do I LOVE rocks! I have favs from the different states I've lived in. Certain Wood Logs and BAGS of rocks have made moves across the country as we've moved around. Cannot wait to set up all these things as I landscape this huge yard!

Blogging, I started out with journals even further back than this blog goes. Those paper written journals are long lost. I noticed in looking back in my 16 years of blogs... I have a ton of which are not hash-tagged. I can recognize the pattern in years I had some kind of initiation in my life. Looking back allowed me see the progress. Some of it has been AMAZING progress.  

This is heavy on my heart and my mind. If it doesn't bring me joy, then I need to re-think it. Do only the things that bring you joy! --But in my mind, you can't have joy all the time. Right? Stuff happens.

Still processing the other stuff, but for now as I work through this next experience in my life... I need to do MORE of what brings a smile to my face.