Reaching your goals, but something is missing.

Are you one of those individuals who works /worked hard, makes the challenging choices, sacrifices, and does whatever it takes to create the future you want for yourself. I am, and I thought that once I reached inevitably where I set my goals, I thought, I would happy. I was for a bit, and I worked so hard that I eventually burnt myself out. So, I tried to take a break to recharge, but never truly took a break. Staying busy is what I do. Rest, what is that?

I feel that I have done my best to make things happen, but now that I am here, I cannot escape the fact that I feel something is missing. A sense of purpose. I cannot find “true” happiness and I cannot find the gratefulness in my situation.  Why? I should be grateful for where I am in my life. I should be tickled that I have come a long way! Am I depressed? Why do I feel this way? I feel that I am starting to unravel in my unhappiness. So what do I do?

I am writing this to set the energy in motion. Please help me find gratefulness in everything I do, where I am, and in all my choices. Please help me find a sense of purpose in the direction I am heading in life. 

Life’s lessons

The other day, I was laying in the sauna after my workout and I got to thinking…

WOW, how grateful am I, to have been through so much, and to have learned so much from it. I especially want to thank the husband’s in my life. Yes, that’s right, husbands. I have been married 4 times, and honestly, I can say Thank You to each one of them.

I think I’ve posted something before about this topic, and that’s okay, because it’s coming up again for me; hopefully the gratefulness I have has become more evolved.

To my 1^st husband, Joe… thank you for teaching me how to take a “stand” for myself. When I met you, I was only 16 and just a baby; who thought she knew it all! I may have worn a mask that perceived that I was tough on the exterior, but down deep to my core… I wasn’t. Technically, not even an adult yet. I was a timid, self-conscience little girl that was looking for “love”. Of course, at the time I didn’t know any of these things conscientiously, but looking back, I can see it clearly now. So, thank you! I know for a very long time, I was angry with you, and now I can say that forgiveness and am happy that we can have a friendship that warms my heart. I am thankful for you, the experiences, and the most valuable life lessons in evolving as a human being.

To my 2^nd husband, Chase who is no longer with us on this earth. I must say thank you for showing me the “true” meaning of unconditional love. Looking back on life for the past 15 years, I have realized that when you died, you took a piece of me with you! 10 years of mourning you taught me that I truly learned the meaning of true “love”. Of course, I didn’t realize this until just recently in the last few years, but in that “ah ha” moment… I could see it clearly. Thank you for finding your way through this “tough” exterior that I created for myself, in order to find your way in and love me; love me for who I was. I must honestly say that loving me couldn’t’ve been easy. I remember how tough I masked my true self to be and I love, miss and always wondered what our future would’ve been like.

To my 3^rd husband, Tom… you have given me a lesson on life & money that couldn’t have been delivered so beautifully. Of course, at the time, there was so much anger for your actions/inactions and the non-communication on being amicable! But, in retrospect, I am thankful for you. I have forgiven you, and I hope that one day, you and I can get back on talking terms. The outward appearance of being accepted and masking my true self was so exhausting. The financial burden of keeping up with the perception of that outer appearance was very self-serving, and a detriment to my growth. Thank you for creating those “painful” circumstances that allowed me to see that I must rip off the mask and be true to my nature. I appreciate the gift of light and true evolution in finding my deeper self.

To my 4^th husband, Jason… it was a rough start, and I swore off drama in my life; I had felt as if I’d had enough of it, and just couldn’t take anymore. Then you came along, and I must say… DRAMA! So much drama came with your past, present. It was a battle within myself to know if I was making the right decision to continue a relationship with you. But I chose to go with my heart, and I must say… I am glad I did; I am deeply in LOVE with you, and you have my heart in the palm of your hands. My boys and Chase will always have a piece of it, but you have it today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life in this world. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for you, your patience, your unconditional love, and willingness to deal with my craziness! Oh boy, do I know how challenging I can be! Nonetheless, I am in, and will always be in love with you. I am so lucky that you married me, and I am excited to see our future together. You and I are as unstoppable as a freight train and I can’t wait to grow old with you.

In my life, I have loved and have been loved many times, but without these experiences, I would be where I am today without them. 

Thank you!

Negativity

Always being exposed to negativity makes it a challenge to be positive. BUT if you CHOOSE what you want, and act how you want, then it will be! Negativity can be so toxic! I recently went back home and realized, discovered many things, but these 2 things are the biggest ones that stand out for me.

 1) My family is not very emotionally attached and feels so broken. Not only my immediate family, but my extended family too. So isolated in our own spaces.

 2) My family is very stuck and can be very negative at times because of personal beliefs, perception, circumstances and situations due to cause and effect.

All my life, and I don’t have many memories, but I cannot remember too many times where we have been to family events. I do remember some on my father’s side and only a few times that I can remember on my mother’s side.  Not to say that we didn’t attend more when we were younger, but that’s not the case now.

Honestly, family can be exhausting, and a lot of work, but for me… we aren’t kids anymore, and we all grew up and became super busy with our own children/family and careers. Today’s society is busy! Some of us moved many miles away from each other, and only connect through social media. However, all my family; including extended family don’t even talk to each other much anymore; they are mad at each other.

While I was back home, I noticed how my family on all side’s are so disconnected. Fighting about this or standing strong in their disagreements on that. Not me, I can honestly say… no harsh feelings, no grudges. But for my family… no middle ground to keep peace or unity in order to keep family close. We all have disagreements, we all fight! Why does my family feel so broken? And over what? How can this be fixed? Or, can it be fixed? I certainly don’t have the energy in fixing everyone else’s relationships, but I know that I can concentrate on my own interrelationships with my family. I can only extend the olive branch and do my part. Like they say… 50% is my half, and the other half is the other person’s; I can only do my part in this. So, if they are so stuck in their ways and cannot agree to disagree or talk through it, then I am at peace with my half. I’m not fighting with anyone, but I need to make more of an effort in reaching out to say hi more often. Just touch base to let them know I was thinking about them, and to ask how they are doing. Family should be important, and it has taken me a long time to get to place of opening my eyes to that fact.

Thank you for time and space at home, and away from my busy, busy life in order to realize just how important those relationships are. -Cheers to reestablishing those distance connections!

Finding Balance

Honestly, I didn’t take the traditional route in life by any means. I married young, had a baby before I was 18, survived an abusive relationship, divorced, married again, had another baby, became a widow, married again, divorced, and got married again and somehow in between all that, I found a way to become educated, and experienced in my field. I made it work; without entertaining excuses. There were low and high points where I felt as if I just wanted to quit, but I am a fighter and will never give up on something I am driven to do, or have my mind set on.

Now that my kids are gone, and I truly have an empty nest, and my career has been the biggest priority of my life. Afterall, that is what I have been working so hard for! Right? Ever since I moved to Florida, I have been so busy with life. My career has made a big impact on my free time, relationships, personal challenges with addiction and mind, body, soul balance.

I have tried and tried to find the “right” company to call my forever “career” home. The universe knows that I have bounced, and bounced around, fallen, picked myself up to keep fighting the good fight. I have seasons, just like everyone else. I am learning how to have balance and create time and space for myself. That has been a challenging thing to accomplish with all my responsibilities, desires within this space and time. Prioritizing in order to find balance has been something I have battled with for decades.

For the first time, I feel like I am getting balance to my life. I feel that I have finally found the company to call home; again in the HVAC field. A company who values me for the gifts I bring to the table. A company who is allowing me to run my department as I wish to do, without any interference. Of course, in the beginning, it was a challenge; again, bringing order as I did with the previous companies I had worked for, but the difference was... I had full control to really shine! But, here I go again… BALANCE. How the hell can I find and balance everything I want to do, to include ME. --Just recently, I have set a precedence on and for myself on a personal level. The difference this time is that setting boundaries within my career, scheduling and making it all fit in order to MAKE time. Sure, I will admit that I have become a bit obsessive on “me” time, but it feels good to stand up for my personal/professional balance. Making time and keeping those boundaries.

Thank you to the universe for hearing my desires. Combining the universal energy of the law of attraction and my focused energy and attention allowed the path to be set and become a new habit.

Getting Fit!

I have had gym memberships and worked with various personal trainers throughout my adult life. I thought I was fit, but as time went on… I allowed life to take over and I swayed away from the fitness aspect of my life. I heard that 40 was the magic number when things started to really drop, but it was like, a snap of the fingers and BOOM, I realized the switch was flipping on me; fast!

Back in 2016, I got this thing called “frozen shoulder” -I couldn’t lift my left arm in front of my body any higher than my shoulder, nor could I put on my own bra. It sucked and was extremely debilitating. I was scared that I would never have use of my arm as I normally did. Not to mention, my weight had creeped up to 160 pounds. BTW, that was my full-term pregnancy weight back in 1996. Holy shit! What was happening to me?

I went to an orthopedic surgeon to get professional help. It was the first time I had and hoped to ever have an injection. I hate anything that is considered a “drug”, let alone injecting it into my body! It was  necessary, due to the alternate method. So, I started physical therapy and hired a personal trainer to get my fat ass (for me) back into shape and become truly healthy. My mind, and soul was in good shape, but my body. OMG, NO!!!! I am right-hand dominant, therefore, I got frozen shoulder due to non-utilization of my left arm. That will never happen again! I won’t let it!

My personal trainer and I are still going strong. The fact is my weight fluctuates between 145-150, but I have dropped 6% body fat and have slimmed back down to a size 4. I have ran a few 10K’s, finished a Spartan race, and am now going for the trifecta in 2019. I am excited for that! Each race is different, but it consists of roughly 30+ obstacles, and each race is either 3, 9, or 12 miles in the mud. Talk about “beasting” it! I may have to utilize specialized shoes, but I now run roughly about 15 miles a week and spin a few days a week. Can you say obsessive! Yes, I will admit that, but I am okay with that. I am not addicted to drugs or enabling bad habits. Yeah, being in my forties has made for some challenges, and I have had to overcome some injuries, but you can try to push me down for a bit! I will rise to the occasion no matter what! Bring it bitch, I will show you, just how strong and determined I am! Honestly, grateful for my trainer, and my strong drive to succeed.

What a journey this has been! A journey that I am grateful for! To my well being in my mind, body and soul!

Thank you!

Clarification

I had raised my children, and it was my turn to finish my education and start my career. I took a chance, and when I moved across country to Florida to start my career, I had no idea of the series of events that would take place.

I connected with a FL based company. Of course, it was in the HVAC field, and they desperately required a knowledgeable Controller. Therefore, I proceeded forward with an interview. Just so happens that they had a business partners in Seattle. That was convenient! In speaking with the owner of the company and he said, “Have you ever been to FL” “Why would you want to move here?” I, in that moment, didn’t understand why he would be asking me that, and I didn’t care. I wanted out of Cloudy, cold WA, and this was my “open door”. The interview was a success and an offer was presented, and I accepted. Therefore, I gave notice at my current employer, and away I went on my journey to FL. I drove there, it took 4 days. I love to drive, so the journey was fun.

When I arrived at my new job… OMG, what a mess! Luckily, my work ethic rose to the forefront and allowed me to shine; giving my job every bit if energy I had. I had to bring my “A” game in bringing my organization and standardization skills to this office. Honestly, the situation really consumed me, and at that time it was no big deal. I was here by myself; my family and home were back in Washington State. I could allow my job to take all my time. I did fly home a few times over the 6 months until my home sold, but the long and short of it is… my job consumed me. When I was hired, my job was to bring accuracy, to the accounting department, and implement policies, standardization and procedures. I was able to finalize those tasks, but unfortunately, that job wasn’t a good fit for me, and I left. It became a toxic environment and I had to make the choice of leaving before I secured employment with a new employer. A leap of faith!

With that experience, I realized (AGAIN) that in life, you must be careful what you ask for. I may have received the gift of moving to a sunnier/warmer location, and the career path that I excelled in, but that job soon became the steppingstone. A steppingstone to further clarification and in search of the “right employer” and the challenge in finding a new job.  

Think about what you want, ensure its crystal clear! Focus your energy, attention, and time on what you seek and let the universe unveil and work on the rest.

No time to stop!

Really? No time? That’s not true.

The truth is, I haven’t made time to blog. I have had higher priorities in my life, and quite honestly, I have been super busy living out in the real world. I have stopped and started to jot down a few sentences on a few topics, but it only got that far. Today is the day that I am officially on vacation, by myself and I am taking the time to go back to those topics and “catch up”. I am on a 11-hour flight… what better time to take that moment.

I made a commitment a long time ago to get back to blogging regularly, but I can see now, how unrealistic that was. I always start with good intentions, but that is where it stayed.

I will not make the statement that my situation will change to allow more time. I will say that I am on hiatus, and will get back to this eventually, but for now… I am focusing on higher priority things in my life. Things that are in my life, in this moment of time and space; I am choosing to be present in my life. This digital world is great, but I much prefer to be living and experiencing my life out in the world. I will check in from time to time, and maybe “catch up” again, but my priority is being out there, being me, and living in each and every moment, and experiencing all that I can!