So just go fucking do it!

I’m addicted! I’m in love and I’m stuck all at the same time!

My husband likes to watch TV and play games on his phone all the time! I can see that these are the things he needs to have balance, for him. At least, for me… I feel that is what he tells himself. You know how that goes… what you tell yourself is true! >>> Don’t get me wrong, he works hard at work and at home. He is such a good man and does everything that I ask of him without complaining! He does voice his opinion, but in the end, he does everything he can to make me happy. I am happy! Kind of. I find myself gravitating to just be near him all the time. My mind, body and soul are addicted to being with him, all the time.

But that is not me. What happened to me? How did this behavior sneak in. In my mind it is so LAZY! Let’s be accountable here! I have allowed the change to take place where I now get stuck in TV; binge watching “shit”. It is such a waste of time. I know this does not feed my soul and is not a healthy lifestyle.  I am working on trying to break the cycle.

Creating space for myself and breaking the energy has been challenging, but hearing and torturing myself in knowing that is not what I want any more is burning this deep desire to break away.

I am afraid that IF I do this, we may not be as close. I don’t want to be one of these couples who divorced or have space between us, we will not/cannot connect anymore. We already have our problems as is. I’m just afraid that this will be the straw. I’m tired of being the glue in my relationships. It’s time that I put self-love back in the spotlight and let the cards fall as they may.

To the great divine, please hear my heart’s desire and bring me peace and the strength to know that I must trust the process and care only for myself first and foremost. I am grateful for the wisdom to know that in my decision to love and care for myself I will be the guidance for others, if they so choose... to follow.

Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

I QUIT!

So, I did it. I quit my job! 

Well, truth be told, I just discovered that we are going to be undergoing another HRIS migration. Ugh! I just did this last year with a 1/1/25 live date! Therefore I agreed to stay on until they are on the other side of this migration. That is scheduled for a 11/1/25 live date, so what are a few more months. 

In the meantime, I have set some clear boundaries for myself. 

1. Work my schedule and keep the excess tasks out of my personal time. I just cannot allow those boundaries to get blurred, again! >>> I’m burnt out, so the transition of compartmentalizing will be easier to maintain. 
2. Ensure that I don’t waver on my decision. Stay strong, for me!
3. Stay engaged with my job as I need to give everything my full attention, while I am still there. 

Okay, I'm done!

I realize that I’m done. I just cannot do this anymore. No, correction, I don’t WANT to do this anymore. I feel that as my desire grows stronger to feed my soul, the path is becoming clearer on what decisions need to be made!

The driving force to become wealthy has served me well, but it no longer does! I am so grateful for everything that is in my life. I have worked hard and sacrificed so much to get here today! I’m not going to take all the credit though… my husband worked just as hard as I did. We are so blessed for everything in our life! Our biggest goal of all is being 100% debt free! Yeeeees, THANK YOU!!!!

Feeding my soul! That is my new path. Well, truth be told, it has been by path for some time, but I keep FINDING detours! I’m still not sure what feeding my soul looks like, but as I continue to use my plant teacher, I feel that I am shown more of the path. I’m discovering my creativity is bubbling up more. I find that I am being led back to the things I miss doing. Things that I enjoy!

Overwhelmed!

This is becoming too much and I just don't think I can maintain this for much longer. Something has to give, or I'm gonna break. I'm close already!

I keep saying, this too shall pass. Well it better fucking pass soon. I'm nearly at the edge with all this. 

Nothing I hate more than road blocks and WASTING MY TIME!

If there is one thing I have learned is that time is a precious commodity and you only get so much. 

Learning the lesson AGAIN!

I vowed many years ago that I wouldn’t allow myself to be compromised for any job or anyone or thing. But here we are… 2020 and I did it again. Back in November, I started feeling as if I had been giving my job/career, everything. My energy, my life, compromising myself personally in giving my time, tirelessly. This had been going on since I started there 3+ years ago, and I realized there wasn’t ever going to be a “real” break from it. Why? -well according to my boss’s opinion, it was self-inflicted. Okay, I’ll take some accountability in NOT STICKING to my set boundaries. There is 100% to every problem. I’m only 50% of the problem, the other was my bosses. I work hard, it’s who I am to my core, as I am proud of what I produce as it is a direct reflection of me, and how I operate; with integrity, resilience and structure in order to keep things organized & clear. Yes, things change. I am not opposed, but the change must be for the greater good.

In my opinion, my truth is that I was forced out of employment with my employer back in January 2020. I had given everything I was to my core for this job. In hindsight, slowly in exchange for my health. I can understand the state of my predecessor (When I was hired back in 2016) and how it got so bad. She was forced to resign, but my hat is off to her for staying as long as she did. Not me, the trade isn’t worth it. I made myself a promise years ago, and when it became apparent that things were not going to change “as promised” I was no longer willing to stay. What I cannot believe is how long I let it continue. For months I stayed at my job despite me crying while I commuted to work or crying in my office during the day. It took 3+ years and me visiting my doctor because I was an emotional wreck and didn’t feel like I keep going without some help in order for me to see more clearly. I got severely sick and lost 22# in a 3-week period, and at my doctor’s visit, he placed me on bed rest for 3 days. I was apprehensive as I knew the state of things at the office (BAD) but I was exhausted… I took the days off to try to refuel. It was a Friday and after notifying my boss, he agreed to bring in help in assisting me within the department. I was so relieved that they were so supportive.

However, when I came into the office that following Monday, my security clearance that I always had, had been changed, and when I confronted my boss, I got some bullshit “story”. That was a lie! When I confronted him again and blatantly asked him to tell me honestly what was going on. He said that I was scaring the board last week with my emails. Oh Geez, the emails stating that I was in the middle of a mental and emotional breakdown due to the expectations of my job and needed more help. I had deadlines that were specified that couldn’t be changed, and I had been working the previous last 5 weeks/7days with no days off, in order for me to meet the departmental deadlines. I was exhausted and when I asked about the help, he said that we would hire... he said that was not going to happen, and that he didn't know what to tell me. I had to continue to maintain my department. Unbelievable! I couldn’t/wouldn’t continue like that. I resigned with a 30-day notice; they told me that I am done as of today. Amazing to me how much I compromised yet again for someone else at my expense. You’d think I’d learn my lesson by now. RIGHT? Geez, let me just say that… I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!

Live my life without compromise. If you don't, you are taking a risk to yourself, and for what? Your job; another person’s dream! As I have learned invaluably… love your spirit and live in divine light AND DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR SET BOUNDARIES!

This has been on my mind since the separation of my job, and I am just venting my lesson out loud. I need it off my mind so I can live within my true divine light and soulful intuition. Getting back to me again before I started this job. Thank you for the lesson (again).

Tears

I feel this wave of tears behind my eyes. Actually, for a while now, it’s been a wall. -holding back something! I don’t know why and maybe I’m not supposed to know, but when I heard this song it released that wave of tears and in that moment, I realized that it’s time to start. Really start! 

Stop this little by little shit, and make the conscious decisions that you know you need to do, and just do it -them!

For too long I have been taking care of other things for other people, other people, and basically, NOT ME!

You can call me the cold hearted ruthless bitch, but I’m done! I’m done denying myself the things I desire, I ache for and cannot seem to live without any longer!

Change is a challenge, but if  I"M going to make a difference, then the conscious-ness of the shift must take place. Not tomorrow, TODAY!