New Job

Workplace dynamic is a must and I feel that I've bounced around. I've made a few friends along the way, but ultimately never was satisfied with the people AND the job. Until now. I finally have landed at a company where I feel supported, It's keeping me busy; too busy. More than I would like, but I have an assistant who does a lot. A new job usually isn't because someone is retiring. I'm mostly there to "fix" something. I enjoy the challenge! Definitely see a difference in how long my energy lasts and having to slow down is a forceful situation at times. Naturally, my body let's me know if I am over doing it. 

Tired, but an improvement

Before, if I over did it, I would get severely sick. Don't move kinda sick. But now, it's more like... super, super tired! I say that's an improvement. Definitely slowing me down!

My plant teacher helps me eat better, but still barely eating. Definitely no large meals, unless I get the munchies.

Taking it easy

Working on Saturday made me realize just how tired I still am. Getting up and down was exhausting, but having the desks there was nice in helping me pull myself up and support myself when needed.

My energy is best in the morning, but as the day goes on, I get more and more tired. It doesn’t help that I have been so busy that I don’t really eat, but on the same note… I am not really that hungry. I feel like, IF I was to be hungry, my stomach would grumble and I WOULD stop to ensure it was taken care of. 

This is my opportunity in having self-awareness in remembering to love myself, slow down and to pay attention. 

Do not allow things to go back to the way they were!

Outside yesterday to play

My mom has officially made her way back home. That means that I have to do all the work now as Jason is out of town in Chicago until late Wednesday. 

I made it outside to do some watering in the early afternoon, it was hot! I only was outside for a short bit before returning back inside to cool down. But at about 6pm... I headed outside to start watering the newly planted plants. It was nice, not that hot; kinda cool, but lovely!

While I was able to water all the dapple willows, I made my way down to the lower end of the driveway and fixed the rocks where the dirt was starting to flow over into the driveway. I always have fun playing with my two favorite elements. Glad my energy is starting to see some gains.

Too tired to wash my hair

Since I have not been taking my proestro consistently, I have been experiencing hot flashes, like crazy! It's gross as I get a bit sweaty, and like excessively.  I feel like I want the bed sheets washed every couple days.

Taking a shower is not that crazy, but it's crazy how tired I get IF I have to wash my hair.

This is SLOW! Definitely made me slow my role. Fuck Cancer treatment! The side effects of all this poison is horrendous, but yet I'm grateful for the cure to be available! Taking things MUCH slower these days. AND allowing myself to let other things go. 

Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!

Why do I feel so connected when I am with my plant teacher?

It’s like my body is channeling the energy through my body on a higher connected level. It feels good to stretch, laugh and go with the flow of where it wants to move. However, I cannot explain it. Some would look at me is if I was “out there” Maybe I am. Maybe I want to be. But only when I’m with my plant teacher. I don’t understand. I want too!

Where am I in life right now? I feel as if I am floating, dealing with Fred and accepting that I need to take it easy. There are a lot of feelings coming through as I work with him.

I thought I was done blogging, but it seems as if it was a break. Just like counseling. You go, go and go, then take a break. I guess that is the flow of things. Never really gone. Like Spirit.

Where am I really? Time to check in.

I have a job that is a-a-lri-i-ight. I don’t really like my boss. He is a little dick-ish in how he communicates. My first “write-up” on my employment record. Pissed me off, actually! But I figure, if he wants that much control, then I will never do anything without his direction first. It’s hard for me not to take initiative, but that’s my new role here at this job. I thought I was a control freak, but being given taste of that directly is eye opening for me. Those who want control, have the most stuff to manage; stress. Letting go is a gift of trusting others. Capable people who can help, collectively as a team. So I just come in and do my job, well!

I want to get out into my yard, but Fred is still here and I feel that resting my body is what is needed until he is completely healed. As I am spending time with Fred, I am discovering parts of myself that are start to show up. Tingling, sharp nerve sensation in showing me that this is a deeper connection that is coming to light. Today as I explored my body, I had an initiation surrounded by tears and a little screaming. Fred is throwing me off of my game. Actually, let's give him some credit. --Fred is revealing more about what is happening, at a deeper level.

Thank you!

Slowwwwwwwing dowwwwwwwn!

I never realized how much of a warp speed I was going until I arrived here in Hawaii and was able to slow down and take it easy! Thank you god for providing this wonderful trip for us! We have definitely made some most memorable memories and have seen the most beautiful sights. We are enjoying every second we have here on the beautiful island. Time with family and friends have made this trip the best!

Slow down!

All my life, well as far back as I can remember, I have always had to be in charge. When I was younger while my mother was at school or work, I had to help out with my brother. My mother used to have seizures and I'd have to take care of that too. Taking care of things has been the core of who I am. So here I am again as things are brought to my attention... Taking care of it! I realize that in order for me to truly live life, I must slow down in life. I'm a busy body, like my mother and my grandmother. (It must be a Korean thing?) This I decided is no way to live my life. BUSY! What? No I am in the process of slowing down. What does this mean…? Well I will admit that I knew this was a deeply strong desire of mine, BUT I've allowed myself to entertain the distractions that I make for myself. Here's the question…. Why do I entertain these distractions? I truly want this for myself but I put it off. So today was my groundbreaking start. I get to dive straight into this question. I'm sure there is some kind of deeply hurtful thing associated with this. When I talk about the desire to slow down in life, I get tearful. I have a feeling of hopelessness. Hmmm my question is why? What does this mean to slow down? Breathe slower, one task at a time, read more, take the time in for me. I already day dream and take time in, but to truly take time in means to calm the inner self and throw out the garbage. For once in this journey of understanding, I understand what truly quieting the mind means… NOW the trick is to take action. I am my worst critic. I beat myself for the mistakes I make in life and I hang onto those for forever… Here's the bottom line… IMPERFECT ACTION is better than NO ACTION. I'm realizing that this holds true in ANY situation. Today I am grateful for the lessons that come up and the new vision of change. This all started with wanting to clear the clutter and throw out the baggage, and it has evolved to a whole different level. I know this is right, even though it feels so shitty, but in the end I will feel free. That's my drive to get myself through this.