Trust in what?

What scares me the most out of this "CANCER" is the radiation and chemotherapy. Talk about a disruption to my life and my body. 

I don't even like to take prescription anything; western medicine to me, is a vicious cycle. Short term is tolerable.

I am about to get the crash course in cancer. Again, short term, but these drugs scare me. I have so many upcoming doctors appointments. I no longer want to research the drugs or radiation. It is depressing me. Brian says "earth is a trauma based learning center". I can totally resonate with that statement.

Short and sweet today, but this whole cancer thing is CRAZY!

I have to have another surgery in order to have an intravenous "port" put in for chemo therapy. I only need to have 2 of those, but will be on a specialty pill concoction for 6 weeks. Radiation 5 days a week for the 6 weeks. OMG, please help me discover this disconnection with this cancerous spot. My PET Scan is on 5/30/23. Can my Genius Frequency "GF" connection help this to be gone before the scan? Maybe I delay surgery and scan by 60 days?  --What is the right decision? How does my plant teacher play into this?

I am still processing things, BUT I must trust in this process. I also must only focus on JOY right now. 

What brings you joy?

Thanks Brian for holding me accountable. Awareness to a deeper connection.

So this has been on my mind and I feel that I have been overthinking it. Totally. I had to think of it differently to make the connection. 

So for me, it's what makes me smile? I have been catching myself smiling in the activities, tasks, chores, things that are in my life. --Things like:

Family, especially J, we compliment each other so well in our relationship. Love the kids, who are not kids anymore.

Gardening, labor of love! Recognized the smile as I was outside yesterday, digging up weeds and over sprayed hydroseeded grass... got a good workout and the colors are coming together nicely. Ahhh, labor of love. Can't wait to see the landscaping in 3-5 years, it's a long term plan. 

Roux & Mia, dog poo is not my favorite thing to do, but playing with the dogs is fun!

Food, not only eating it, but cooking it too! I loooove good food. 

Rocks, boy, do I LOVE rocks! I have favs from the different states I've lived in. Certain Wood Logs and BAGS of rocks have made moves across the country as we've moved around. Cannot wait to set up all these things as I landscape this huge yard!

Blogging, I started out with journals even further back than this blog goes. Those paper written journals are long lost. I noticed in looking back in my 16 years of blogs... I have a ton of which are not hash-tagged. I can recognize the pattern in years I had some kind of initiation in my life. Looking back allowed me see the progress. Some of it has been AMAZING progress.  

This is heavy on my heart and my mind. If it doesn't bring me joy, then I need to re-think it. Do only the things that bring you joy! --But in my mind, you can't have joy all the time. Right? Stuff happens.

Still processing the other stuff, but for now as I work through this next experience in my life... I need to do MORE of what brings a smile to my face.

I don't wanna!

For so many months, I have dealt with what I thought were my hemorrhoids, but after seeing the doc and now the surgeon, it has been determined that it is an anal fissure. What the heck is an anal fissure? AND how the hell did this happen?

Turns out that the hemorrhoids may have been the start of this issue, but it gradually became worse and morphed into an anal fissure; she thinks. She actually has not been able to get in there to properly examine the severity of things. Anal fissures can be caused by a handful of things, but at this point, it would be hard to determine.

It was so bad that the pain was excruciating and almost unbearable. It didn't help that I needed to work full days, but grateful that I have a stand up desk to help alternate sitting with a heating pad to standing with my legs spread apart. 

Allow me take a few steps back and say that for months now, I have been working on some deep emotional injuries, trauma... maybe ancestral stuff? Not sure, but I haven't felt like myself for such a long time now, that I cannot even remember how far back it goes. I do know that over the past week, I finally felt a strong shift. I finally felt as if I was getting back to myself again. Emotionally always in bliss. Super happy about everything and loving life. Coincidentally my anal fissure has been decreasing and starting to heal. I feel strongly that this anal fissure and the emotional stuff that I've been going through is connected. What this is, I don't know, but the lesson of slowing down and being more in tune is definitely in my awareness.

Last week after meeting with the surgeon, it was decided the best course of actions was to move forward with surgery. The topical cream that I was prescribed was not working and I could not just sit back and keep relaxing, waiting for this to heal. So I scheduled the surgery for next Tuesday.

Weird thing happened, that night my anal fissure "Fred" reduced by 2/3rds and the pain was virtually gone. I'm not sure what happened, but I'll take the win! So what did I do, I rescheduled my surgery for Thursday. This way I can see the doc again on Monday and ABSOLUTELY be sure that surgery is needed. I feel like it's not, but I will leave that to the doctor.

Until then, I will keep continuing to do the deep tissue energetic work that Genius Frequency has enabled me to hone in on and trust that Monday's appointment with the surgeon will be whatever it is supposed to be. I don't wanna have surgery, but have made the decision that I will accept whatever it has to be. 

Plant Teacher

Living a life out loud with transparency as I have kept this hidden for decades. Eluding, but leaving room for speculation or one’s own interpretation. I didn’t want it to affect my career. Maybe, it was because I was ashamed of my behavior, maybe it was because it “was” illegal, maybe it was because it goes against everything I work for with my body, maybe, maybe, maybe. The list can go on!

For so many years; actually, decades! I have been struggling with allowing myself permission to smoke flower without guilt. According to society, addicted. Thinking how bad it was, and I needed to quit. So many reasons! -Good reasons!

It all started long ago. I was introduced to it back when I was 19, when my good friend, who I will not name for her privacy. Tried it once and hated it! OMG hated it. But when my second husband (friend at the time) re-introduced it to me when I was 20, it stuck as a habit. Comes and goes, but I can still remember the day as if it happened yesterday. There I was at his friend Chris’s mom’s house. Standing there in her living room, staring out the big picture window after just smoking some flower. I remember thinking… what is so great about this? Still made me feel anxious and unsettled; still didn’t like it. I continued to smoke it “socially”. Not sure why, but eventually the anxiety dissipated, and it became a habit.

For many years I have been trying to quit. Determined to quit: throwing/giving away all my paraphernalia to again repurchase it. Nothing long lasting. Until I started network care. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled with starting and stopping for another decade, but it was different. There were times and just a few years ago where I hadn’t smoked for over a year. No cravings. Then something would happen… stress from work, and I would start back up again. I realized that I was utilizing this habit as a crutch, coping mechanism to “get through” something. When you are armed with the knowledge it brings power into the light of a situation. For me anyways!

In all my years of consuming flower (not proud or bragging), I have come to understand the different strains and how they affect you. So, I choose to only partake in a certain strain; indica. Indica, relaxes you. Sativa energizes you. But for me… I am energized with Indica, and Sativa makes me anxious. Again, knowledge is power.

So, this brings me too today. I have been wondering why it is when I am high, I am different. I feel more creative, more connected to my body, more focused, less of a filter and less reserved. Of course, I don’t know how to begin to start the process of understanding that, so I connected with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency to explore this.

Recently, I scheduled a one and one session with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency, and I learned a lot!

• First off, change my frequency. Think of it as a plant teacher. This will shift my relationship and perception. 
• Think of it as my plant medicine; a natural value/enhancement
• Start asking the questions: 
• Why am I motivated when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why do I feel more connected to my body when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more creative when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more focused when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why is everything so different when I am with my plant teacher?

So shall it be. Not only am I thankful for Brian and his wisdom, but I am also thankful for his transparency and the gifts he is sharing. Discovery and Transformation into the deeper parts of me. The soul satisfying itch that continues to bubble to the surface.

Sending out my heart and souls desire in asking the question and exploring more into the discovery of those deeper parts of myself. Yay to me and thank you to the universe for bringing this into my reality! I’m ready to take that deeper dive! -Bring it!