Need more sleep!

It's 3am and I'm awake again. Why am I awake at 3am? What is going on?

I thought if I stay awake later (9pm), just maybe I'll sleep later until my actual alarm goes off at 4am. Nope, that is not the case. Maybe it's the road noise? Maybe it's this bed? Maybe I'm dreaming and I just don't know it? Either way, I don't know what or why this is happening, but I'd really like to get 8 hours of sleep on week nights. Weekends I do great. Not sure what the difference is or why my mind and body switch to different sleep pattern during the week. Nonetheless, please all mighty powers that be, help me get a great night sleep. My head cannot take these mild headaches that I get much longer. Not to mention the late afternoon lull in my energy!

Maybe it's my location in these Airbnb's. It's been since June since I've had a consistent restful night sleep. My hope is that this new Airbnb is going to be quieter and we both can sleep better. 

So, there it is... my desire casted out (loudly) into the universe. 

Stop the mental mind fuck… NOW!

For too many weeks now, I have been giving into my mental mind fuck. Yup, that’s right, it’s been just a bunch of gibberish that has allowed me to make very bad decisions with food.

Am I screwed up mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Mentally, yes, lately. Totally eating my feelings

Physically, well, sort of… since I’ve allowed my mind to win over control of things, I’ve gained some weight. Progress out the door and down the street. LOL

Emotionally, yeah, I have my moments and sometimes days, but this time… it’s been weeks!

After having a blow out with Jason on Friday and I must say that in 11 years, this is our 3^rd one… I realized that I am allowing this to happen and then I’m making an excuse for it. The shitty part of this has been that I allowed myself to be okay with it. Yaa, no more!

Why did I allow this? Well here goes my rant, so that I can get it off my mind!

We decided to move to Asheville, I accepted a great position back in September and moved out of my home to start work here in NC. Yup I rented a space here while Jason lived in FL. I travel back and forth by car because the company I work for due to COVID had a no-travel policy without quarantining. No big deal, but after 4 months, it got old, fast! Finally, I started flying and Jason made a few trips up here by truck so he could tow a U-Haul to move some of the small stuff out of the way before we made the final move when we sold our home. Oh yeah, that was back in April, and we moved out by May 31^st. We have been in an Airbnb since June 1. Moved to another one as of last week and must move into another one next week. WHEN IS MY HOUSE GOING TO BE FINISHED? The builder states that all should be finalized by end of the month, so we are at the finish line.

The point of today was to recognize my mental mind fuck taking over, it started gradual, but eventually consumed me. Yes, I allowed it, but the time has come when enough is enough.

Getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.

Thank you for the awareness and the mindset -reset!

Eating my feelings!

I thought I was handling things okay. Perhaps I’m in denial, okay, yes, I am in denial!

I’m feeling exhausted. I need a break! I want a vacation, but am going to hold out, since I am going to have a break in September when I get my surgery; 4–6-week break. Not how I want a break, but this will be a forced opportunity for me to slow down and recharge my battery.

I realized yesterday that I am tired, really... tired! Discombobulated and not in my element. Moving from one Airbnb to another is not ideal!

I have been eating my feelings for weeks now, and my body is starting to change due to my horrible eating habits catching up to me. Honestly, I know I can change that, but right now as much effort as I give it. I just don’t want too. Stress eating is my excuse and I’m kind of enjoying it. Not enjoying the weight I’ve put on, but in the end, I will lose it again. I just need things to smooth out. I need my home to be finished being built PLEASE!

More delays!

Who would have imagined that back in February 2020 when we decided to move to Asheville, that the journey would have been this bumpy? Here we are in July, almost a year after we purchased our property, and our home still isn’t finished. Yes, COVID happened and is the main cause of delays now, but as frustrating as this is. I am so grateful to be so close to the finish line in this process.

Thank you for the folks that are working hard to get everything on our home just as we wished it to be. Of course, there are a few things that are not finished, but we requested it to be that way, so we can finish it ourselves. Then there are building code requirements that forced us to finish things a bit differently than what we wanted, but… we have full intentions of ripping that out within a year or two to remodel it as we originally intended. Thank you to those hard-working folks for making this dream a reality for us!

All in all, I’m happy that this process is so close to being done. I am so ready to get started on the landscaping and get back into the structure of a routine that will allow us to have some normalcy back in our lives.

Thank you for progress and thank you for allowing us to dream big!

Feeling a bit lost

I want to be less busy. Breathe, make the time to breathe, really breathe. If I stop to breathe now, I feel as if my mind wants to rush me. Get to the gym, get through my work out and get to work. On the days that I stretch… my mind wants to be aware and keep my eyes open. I want to stop and stretch through the tightness. It's a constant struggle! Why am I allowing my mind win? I have plenty of time. Another battle for the future. In the meantime, I keep plugging away bit by bit.

I spoke with HR on Friday. Felt good to get that off my mind and start that conversation. I don’t want to be this busy at work. Busy is good, but this is too much! But now that I have, my mental mind chatter is trying SO hard to keep me where I am. Saying things like, you made a mistake. You’re short staffed, and once you’re fully staffed, it will get better. You started your period on Friday and you know how you get just before you start; you’re an irrational mess! I need to just trust myself and have faith that all will workout as it should be.

Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit lost. Staying aware of everything that is going on right now in my life, with all the transition. Acknowledging the fact that there is a lot going on and I’m 2 months away from surgery. We are so close to the finish line as the house is almost done. Needless to say though, I’m still feeling lost and starting to lose my marbles!

What is the right thing for me? I know that I want to live a life through soul, and I am currently not! I know that once I am in my home, that I WILL be doing things that I love to do through soul and right now because there is no balance it’s progressed to the point of, well… I’m barely hanging on here.

I am sending this energy out to the universe to bring me guidance in continuing to stay open and bring that energy force that will catapult me into the world of openness. Please help guide me to this sense of peace within and allow me to always have a grateful heart.

Doing what’s right for me!

I made the decision to get out of a stressful management position in early 2020. I no longer wanted to be driven by the all mighty dollar, but still feel myself swaying in that direction. Old programming and again, I don’t feel it’s worth the trade. Of course, everyone wants to make more money, and I understand that the there is an expectation of duties when you are in a higher paid position.

What I’m getting to is… last year I excepted a position. It wasn’t in managing people, just processes. Within a couple of months, there was some transition and things shifted and I was placed in a position that would be needed as the department lost a key person. Always a team player. Always willing to do what is needed. However, after a few months, I found that the organization of the department and my duties was not working for me. Again, after speaking up, the organization was placed and for a few more months as this transition settled, I was okay. Until… now.

For the past few months, I have been feeling a bit overrun. The quality of my work has decreased, and I feel as if there is too much to do. I cannot keep up and many things that are not a priority have been placed on the back burner. Many reports that need to be addressed only get halfway done because there isn’t enough time to follow through with everything. I just do not feel proud of this and I want to be proud of everything I do. I do that in my personal life. I want to live that way congruently throughout my entire self.

In short, I started the conversation yesterday to address the challenges that I feel that I’m facing. Does that mean I step down and let someone else handle this juggling act of this position? Sure, I am okay with that. In my mind making even less money again… challenging, but worth it! However, I do hope that with some good brain storming, we can find a way to re-structure things a bit to accommodate and make the department run smoothly. I understand that we are short staffed by 1, but I will not be able to keep this up knowing that there is so much to do with the expectations of what NEEDS to be done. I need to be proud of what I produce. Not that I don’t do a good job, but I know I could do better. Right now, I feel like I have no time and cannot connect to the tasks, I just follow what has always been done and process, process, process.

Still a bit all over the place with this, but at least I am addressing now (sooner) rather than later (when it’s at my breaking point) –Kudo’s to me for recognizing the pattern earlier and “taking” action. I’m proud of my progress!

Exposed again

You’d think that after the first time, I would be smarter, right?

I was and I did take pre-cautions, but apparently not good enough. The good news is that I caught it sooner and the side -effects were not as drastic as the first time.

Still learning and testing everything to see what works to prevent and protect myself from being exposed to the elements of poison oak, ivy, and sumac.

Thank you for the wisdom and the ability to continue to learn more and more about the outside elements here in this wonderful mountain life.

For the first time (EVER) I am so thankful for western medicine. Although I am whole heartedly against western medicine, I would not have been able to get through the unbearable exposure to this poisonous plant.

CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE

I know that if you focus your time, thoughts, and energy on things of your choosing, then you will get more of that. So why have I become so negative? Really, it’s a choice, and I fell victim to this due to my current circumstances over the past 9 months of living apart from my family. I ALLOWED it!

How many times have I preached “have gratitude” be grateful for what and where you are “now” But lately, I feel myself becoming more cynical of myself. Kind of a nag! Complainer! Bitchy! Totally not me!

Do I want something to change, yes? How do I make that happen? I still don’t know, but when the timing is right, it will happen. I need to remember not to pressure myself into making a decision that would be a mistake!

Today, I am remembering to stay true to my beliefs, have patience and love each moment, in the moment. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

Here’s to making mistakes, recognizing them, and moving forward. 

Short and Sweet

Today has been such a relaxing day! 

Thank you for the knowledge of knowing how to meal prep
Thank you for providing me the knowledge of how to cook
Thank you for my wonderful husband
Thank you for having a roof over my head while the house is still being built
Thank you for my job
Thank you for all the love that is in my life

Thank you for my health

Thank you for getting through my poison ivy

Thank you!

Too busy and not liking it!

After my day yesterday, I wanted to journal so bad, but I was SO scattered from my super frazzled day that I couldn’t even begin to type the words and articulate anything that made sense. Despite me having my entrainment yesterday, I still was super fired up about my horribly challenging day. Honestly, those days make me question my job!

I devoted myself to being in a slower lifestyle and this job has me running on most days! I run from the time I get there until the time I leave. Most days, I don’t take a lunch because I just need to get things done. No, I didn’t say I don’t eat, I just don’t stop to take a lunch “break”. I am more and more re-thinking my job and what is really “GOOD” for me. I have always been driven by the old mighty dollar, but now, not so much. I’d rather be happy.

Honestly, I am trying to be grateful, but it is becoming a challenge to stay in that mindset. I understand it is a choice and I catch myself nagging. Above everything, I must ensure that I stay positive, grounded, and make the best decisions.

Today is a better day and I am so grateful.

Busy, busy, busy… AGAIN!

Many times, I have found myself back in “this” spot. Of course, it’s only after I’ve gone down the rabbit hole again and months have passed by. Yay to awareness!

 

Why does this keep happening? If you want to make a change, you must do something differently. Right? So, why do I keep circling back to the same spot? -Is it because I keep myself busy; unconsciously put things in my path to deter myself from these changes. -Or maybe were human, creatures of habit and we eventually end up right where we were until awareness sets back in, despite of our desires.

 

Regardless of why, the real question is how I can break this for good?

 

Last year I made the decision to make that change and because making money became more important, it has allowed me to creep back to my old ways. However, the desire for change is starting to set back in again. Thankfully, not 3 years later, but less than a year. I say that’s progress. Yay and thankful for my eyes to be opening again.

 

My commitment to myself is to blog at least 3 days per week, no matter what I have to say. This started out as a journal, and because of life becoming so busy, and losing my "actual" journal... blogging online was the next best things for me. 

 

Cheers to the path of progress and opening my heart to my souls’ desire and discovery of this path, no matter where we go. I will be listening with my heart!

Slow Down!

About a month ago, I was out at the property cutting and widening the trail to the river with Jason. Within 2 days, a few blotches appeared and then it became an itchy rash. Unbearably irritating! I thought I was going to scratch my skin off, but after some research, many creams, and a dermatologist visit, I discovered that I encountered poison oak. OMG what a horrible experience!

Looking back in hindsight. Horrible, yes. Eye opening, yes, yes, yes! This experience made me STOP. Yes, that’s right! I couldn’t go to the gym, I couldn’t go outside, and I could barely focus at work. Why, well wearing clothes made it itch, being in heat made it itch. I was itchy ALL THE TIME! AND OMG, I just wanted to be still, not move and just get through this horrible experience. Ice was my friend; I was wearing and sleeping with it for days! Whew, thank you for my dermatologist who prescribed me a steroid treatment… I am at week 4 now and now will be conscience of my outside natural surroundings. Look out for living creatures; plants can be dangerous too!

Not only did I learn that, but this experience has MADE me stop and become more aware of ME again. The beat of my soul is shining through, and it is saying…

Stop, slow down and see that your life’s choices right now are not feeding your soul.

You’re not invisible, stop and be aware of new things. -Time for change

Opened my eyes!

Boy, am I upset today! Mostly at myself, but really, I am going to take a second and be grateful to be aware of this situation and my feelings around it.

I really love the company that I work for, their mission statement is as congruent as you can get to one’s own.  I truly am grateful to have found this job and to be employed during these times. But today was an eye-opening experience that will truly change how I view my work structure.

I have always given 110% at whatever I do. Yeah, I may get tired at times, but will always do whatever it takes to do a job well done! At most places I’ve worked, there has been some flexibility due to my work habits and it was always an ebb and flow understanding.

Not today, I voiced that I’d like to leave ½ day this Friday because I’m headed home and it’s a 12-hour drive. I had a doctor’s appointment and wanted to leave earlier in the day and utilize some of my sick time. The answer, no. I can use my sick time to travel to/from and the time while I’m at my doctor’s appointment, but the time that I am not at the docs, I must use vacation. What a load of shit! Flexibility that was agreed upon when I took the job was obviously just words! I am extremely upset about this situation. Goes to show, the relevance of being self-employed, more ammunition to make this a reality for myself!

I can see now that this is a one-sided agreement. Gratefulness to learning early on in this workspace, that I will only work my scheduled hours, no more, no less. I will give you everything as I already do, but working anymore than 40 hours a week, will NEVER happen again!

I am pist off about this! Call me a child, but I moved here to have a hang loose less stressful life, and I will NOT allow my job to rule my life! If this job requires me to work more than 40 hours, than it is no longer the job for me. I will give notice and move on! -Okay that was my rant for the day. Moving on! -NEXT.

Tomorrow will be a better day!

What a surprise!

My journey is shifting my attention to a plant-based diet. I've learned that red & all processed meat has been classified in the same category as causes of cancer such as tobacco smoking and asbestos (IARC Group 1, carcinogenic to humans), but this does NOT mean that they are all equally dangerous. Of course, not... Smoking tobacco is way worse! But your diet is getting you sick too. Think about that for a second! You are what you eat.

For me and my… 12-week pregnancy (non-baby) fibroid. They docs say I should consider a partial hysterectomy. No way... I will explore ALL my options and do whatever it takes before that will happen!

I've made up my mind. I am changing my diet. According to those carcinogenic facts, I'm worth it and who knows what will happen. Thank you to my higher soul who leads and continues to lead me. Amazing things you learn as your curiosities emerge. -Here’s to listening to my body from quietly within!

How do I fix this?

Back in 2019, I was training HARD for the Spartan Trifecta. Brutal body condition and HIIT training with my personal trainer. I’d been training with Josh for 3 years, but the year of the race, our workouts became more intensely focused.  I learned a lot. Things like… what is a erector spinae? Mind/muscle connection, like pumice stone your calluses, or they will tear off! Ouch, and if you want to assist in expediting your healing process, Preparation H is the best! Who would’ve ever thought?

After 2 races, September of that year, I was starting to feel exhausted! From FT working, and training at the gym? NO matter what the cause, I learned after some extensive bloodwork, that I had exhausted my adrenal glands, and had virtually… zero testosterone in my body. I began to take a second hormone, testosterone. I was already taking Progesterone.

Side bar, the cost of non-covered prescriptions when you have medical insurance angers me.  My medical didn’t cover any of these compound hormones. I was paying $100/3-month supply for progesterone.  Now a second hormone. That one was also not covered, and it was $100/mo.

My strength in the gym dramatically improved, the testosterone aided me in my last months of training before the January Beast race. I stayed on this hormonal regimen until December 2020. After being advised from my new doctor that the hormones I was taking weren’t working. I shouldn’t have these symptoms considering the hormone regimen I was on. My current symptom was… 2 full periods a month: for the last 11 months, too long! I felt as if I was on my period, more than I wasn’t!

My FL doc suggested in August of 2020, to get me on estrogen to fix the problem. When my estrogen in the beginning, before I started taking progesterone was perfect. Now I must add another hormone? Not accepting this resolution and I was getting ready to move anyways. I talked to my new doctor in NC, and I got the green light to stop all hormones. I still workout at the gym, now 6 days a week on my own. I miss Josh, but I totally have found my mojo in the gym. Thanks to Josh, because he shared his wisdom as a PT and a friend!

Hormone free, and without the testosterone, I feel the difference in the gym. But, Good News, symptoms gone! -Who knew I was causing this onto myself! Thank the heavens for regularity again. More evidence of a vicious drug cycle I didn’t want to continue!

Loving the Awareness

Suddenly realized

Lately, I have been feeling as if I am not being true to my spirit and soul. I feel as if I am wearing a mask. Not intentionally, but again the old programming to lead my daily life.

What do I want? True blissfulness. I know that with everything we do there is, yin to the yang; with all the bliss, there also are challenges. In short, not always going to be good days!

I know that deep down in my soul, accounting is no longer what feeds my soul, not that it ever did. It just paid the bills and got me where I am today. I’m thankful; I have been successful. I chose to let that go and be happy! Long ago if you would’ve asked me… it was being rich. Monetarily! Now, I just want to wake up every morning and feel as if I am living my soul’s purpose. What is and what does that look like? Dunno, but the strong awareness of this desire to life true to my soul’s desire is becoming stronger!

I choose a life of living freely in happiness. Slowing down! I love how this topic keeps coming up. It’s evolving, but still making its way to the forefront. This is my journey! Shift of consciousness and living a life freely!

I don’t know what that is yet? I am still in money making mode as I begin this transition into my true self.

Here’s to trusting the process.

Love & Light

Magical, unwinding gravitational pull

For so many years, most my adult “responsible” life, I feel as if I am following my parent’s words of wisdom. You know the nagging voices of… work hard and do whatever you need to do to make a living and then retire comfortably. BUT something has shifted recently, and my soul has me yearning for living life with passion, love, unbounding joy and living my true self. Loving what I do, day in and day out. Here’s the challenge. What is it? What does that look like? I really don’t know, but I want too!

I feel as if I am being pulled forward and just being where I am “right now” … more so of the awareness of where I am, has become painful, emotional and yet it fuels my fire to explore what that means all at the same time. The opposition is my old, yet evolving self … who has that nagging voice and the fight or flight feeling of being scared. All I can say is, I strongly and wholeheartedly feel a conscience shift and I continue to remind myself that it’s time for me to LIVE, LOVE and BE FREE! No longer bound to the chains of the old patterns that keep me unhappy. Not in a negative way, just not living life to it’s fullest most magical and its unlimited energy!

I remember a time… long period of my life where I wore a mask, alcohol, drugs and all those crutches allowed me to “deal” with things and endure life’s challenges, but in the past 10 years of my NSA journey, I can happily say that the old negative patterns have fallen to the wayside and I no longer think, nor want to clutter my mind and soul with crap!  

Please hear my voice expressing my gratitude and asking that you unveil the path that I am to follow. Lead the way, and I will continue to trust the process.

Love and Light