Panic Attacks

I've never had one in my life! It’s becoming a daily thing! I feel things escalating! OMG it felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. I had to literally self-talk and ground to my heart chakra to just get past the feeling. WTF!  

In talking with Brian, he explained that when we were doing some energy work, he feels/sees… that when I slow down, there will be wisdom that is shared. The vision of what is trying to come through. I’ve been feeling it for months now; I know it’s there.

I move at mach speed, and I’m not slowing down. He is not wrong. I do move, work and talk rather quickly. Too quick for most people to keep up with. I’ve tried to slow down, but I just fuck things up. So, I don’t try anymore. It was who I was, and it served me well. Just not anymore! I’m sure at times, it may ring through, but I’m being called to change.

BELIEVE ME… I’m READY TO SLOW DOWN. My spirit is calling me too, hence my earlier blogs in sharing I’m ready to slow down. SOOOO READY! I feel it! It is resonating at a high vibrational level and by not honoring it… I feel that is why I am now getting panic attacks!

He shared that when I can get myself to slow down, I will honor my spirit and meet the changes that are trying to come through. I know there is wisdom in the stillness that is trying to break through. I feel spirit trying to expand, but this mach speed that I constantly am in will not allow things to unfold. Not yet! -I’m so close!

Please allow me to slow down. I will continue to honor my commitments but need to start making this shift. NOW, not later! I feel that if I don’t make a shift in how I DO things, there will be heavy consequences. I’m listening, I promise! Please to the great divine, allow me some time and space. I am at the finish line with things. I promise I’m listening, I feel you! I’m aware, and yes, it is very painful!!

So just go fucking do it!

I’m addicted! I’m in love and I’m stuck all at the same time!

My husband likes to watch TV and play games on his phone all the time! I can see that these are the things he needs to have balance, for him. At least, for me… I feel that is what he tells himself. You know how that goes… what you tell yourself is true! >>> Don’t get me wrong, he works hard at work and at home. He is such a good man and does everything that I ask of him without complaining! He does voice his opinion, but in the end, he does everything he can to make me happy. I am happy! Kind of. I find myself gravitating to just be near him all the time. My mind, body and soul are addicted to being with him, all the time.

But that is not me. What happened to me? How did this behavior sneak in. In my mind it is so LAZY! Let’s be accountable here! I have allowed the change to take place where I now get stuck in TV; binge watching “shit”. It is such a waste of time. I know this does not feed my soul and is not a healthy lifestyle.  I am working on trying to break the cycle.

Creating space for myself and breaking the energy has been challenging, but hearing and torturing myself in knowing that is not what I want any more is burning this deep desire to break away.

I am afraid that IF I do this, we may not be as close. I don’t want to be one of these couples who divorced or have space between us, we will not/cannot connect anymore. We already have our problems as is. I’m just afraid that this will be the straw. I’m tired of being the glue in my relationships. It’s time that I put self-love back in the spotlight and let the cards fall as they may.

To the great divine, please hear my heart’s desire and bring me peace and the strength to know that I must trust the process and care only for myself first and foremost. I am grateful for the wisdom to know that in my decision to love and care for myself I will be the guidance for others, if they so choose... to follow.

Continuing the journey in finding my way

The books I’m reading/read, the events I’ve gone to, my NSA doc… they all are shining light on how living through soul is effortless. Not sure if I’ve ever, or honestly remembered a time that I truly lived my life through soul. Therefore, I’m not sure what that looks like or even means! The short story… when I was in my 20’s, I was raising 2 kids, and did whatever needed to be done to survive life, in my 30’s, still raising kids, but I concentrated on my education/career, and was given the gift of discovering “true” self-care. Now I’m in my 40’s and am questioning things, deeper! Meaning, I hate my career choice! I am good at it, and it pays well, but not a soulful life choice as it doesn’t bring joy to my heart. I cannot stand where I live as the majority of people here are so negative and RUDE!

2008-ish… Allowing myself the gift of not working; I did freelance part time, but truly lived my life on my terms! It was nice! Having time off for self-discovery and committing to it, enabled me to discover (NSA) Network Spinal Analysis. I’ve blogged about this before, but the mental and emotional scarring of keeping things bottled in for my whole life was causing pain, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. During that time-out, I was able to heal and process those old wounds. Life went on, and since I needed to support myself/children, I chose to continue the path of my career in Accounting and went back to work.

So, here we are 2020… Presently, I feel lost. Without my career, who am I? What do I love? What does living through soul mean? What does that feel like? What does that look like? How do I discover this part of myself? What do I do from here? Since I’ve decided to take another time out and not hurry back to work… I’ve had time to “actually” clean my house, spend time with my new puppy; training her, shape-up my landscaping (It’s gorgeous!) and continue on my physical journey with my personal trainer. I’m learning breathing techniques, but not sure if I’m on the right path. So, my thought is, when you don’t know, do something about it! Try EVERYTHING! I’m currently reading Love yourself, live your spirit by Sonia Choquette and I’m on 2^nd chapter. What I have discovered so far is… I’m abusive to my spirit. Why would my spirit want to be in this body when all I can see is the negativity about myself including my physical body.

Chapter 2’s exercise has 2 parts;

PART ONE  “When I talk to myself, here’s what I need to say…” Write down as many loving, affirming statements as you can think of and would want to share with your best friend. Start from within, more than what’s on the outside.

PART TWO -Same list- “Make a list of kind words you can say to your spirit”

Print the list and post it everywhere! This way, it is a loving reminder of the kind words to affirm to yourself. FUNNY THING… I know this! I’ve blogged about this many time! Change your verbiage, change your life! I guess, for me… I am so deep in my own crap right now, that this is a good nudge to remind me. So here is my list, and I will be reading, and adding on a daily basis. I am determined to live my life through my soul and divine light!

You are a faithful body, always reliably running; day in/day out, every day

You are smart, loyal and resilient

Your mind is quiet and still

You are such a good friend, and flawlessly reliable

You are a good listener

You are so loving, compassionate and caring

You are beautiful inside and out

You are a creative force with vision & commitment

You are patient, powerful & strong

You have a huge zest for life

You have love for all living things

You are so present in every moment

Thank you for your grace

Thank you for your kindness

Thank you for being healthy

Thank you for knowing your boundaries

Thank you for speaking up

Thank you for caring

Thank you for seeing beyond your circumstances

I love you unconditionally