Disconnected

Something has changed. I can feel it. I feel that disconnecting from GF will be the start. 

I need this job to calm down so I can have more time for myself. I cannot hold on much longer as my discontent is not sitting well. I need to shift my focus, activities and take action TOWARDS that change. 

Do the things I love to do. Maybe enjoy with a smile. Not sure what all those are, but I have a list already started in my mind. I will transition my free time, create more free time to get personally more invested. Too old for this shit! Come, ooon!

All Lies!

I had no idea that the food labels are not accurate. Actually it is in the benefit of the food manufacturer. OMG What?

So there is an actual formula and I'm discovering how to apply that knowledge into power. 

What are my challenges?

Food is my biggest challenge. Especially sugar. 

Finding recipes to cook each meal prep

• 3500 calories= 1# of fat
• ½ body weight of ounces and water
• 1 gram of fat = 9 calories 

I've been thinking

For so many years I ran, ran, ran to chase the ultimate dream of being wealthy and living a life of freedom. But in turn, life provided me so many lessons on what that dream "really" is. I thought it was money, but now... not so much! I guess some would say that is what happens when you grown up? Right? Sure, money is an important piece of life, but it is no longer what is driving me. 

Honestly, last year was a abruptly eye opening experience that I will NEVER forget. I thought, I'm doing great, taking care of my body, going to the gym, eating well, no bad habits that have me in an addiction mindset. I'm healthy! Buuut, when I go back and read my posts, I realize that I am not great. I've been searching. Searching for blissful happiness; pure contentment. I've always said... it starts within. Maybe that is why I am SO in my mind these days.

One cannot obtain true happiness from the outside, it's superficial and artificially created. I feel it would be a temporary situation, but eventually the new-ness wears off and you are back to "chasing" the next thing. 

That brings me to my most recent thoughts. Sure, I started a new job and it has kept me quite busy. Too busy, but let's be honest... I like busy, but I am realizing that it's not what I want anymore. Now that the new-ness has worn off, I understand that I am bringing things into my life to keep me busy. Deterrent, distraction, procrastination to exploring more of me. 

Not the surface me, but, the real me. The deeper me. I feel that getting to know that part of me, scares the bejeebers out of me. However, I feel like it's time to discover the me who loves being outside in the rain, smelling the flowers and digging in the dirt to create a beautiful natural environment that surrounds me. 

I think I am starting to realize that this life that I've worked so hard for, is not the one I want anymore. 

Sure I am a whiz at accounting, it is a natural gift, but it is no longer what I want. Sooooo, what do you want. Darn Michael Losier... in my head when I hear the contrast in my thoughts. The real answer is I don't know. AND when I don't know I don't do anything, yet. It's time for exploration! Fun!

CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE

I know that if you focus your time, thoughts, and energy on things of your choosing, then you will get more of that. So why have I become so negative? Really, it’s a choice, and I fell victim to this due to my current circumstances over the past 9 months of living apart from my family. I ALLOWED it!

How many times have I preached “have gratitude” be grateful for what and where you are “now” But lately, I feel myself becoming more cynical of myself. Kind of a nag! Complainer! Bitchy! Totally not me!

Do I want something to change, yes? How do I make that happen? I still don’t know, but when the timing is right, it will happen. I need to remember not to pressure myself into making a decision that would be a mistake!

Today, I am remembering to stay true to my beliefs, have patience and love each moment, in the moment. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

Here’s to making mistakes, recognizing them, and moving forward. 

Busy, busy, busy… AGAIN!

Many times, I have found myself back in “this” spot. Of course, it’s only after I’ve gone down the rabbit hole again and months have passed by. Yay to awareness!

 

Why does this keep happening? If you want to make a change, you must do something differently. Right? So, why do I keep circling back to the same spot? -Is it because I keep myself busy; unconsciously put things in my path to deter myself from these changes. -Or maybe were human, creatures of habit and we eventually end up right where we were until awareness sets back in, despite of our desires.

 

Regardless of why, the real question is how I can break this for good?

 

Last year I made the decision to make that change and because making money became more important, it has allowed me to creep back to my old ways. However, the desire for change is starting to set back in again. Thankfully, not 3 years later, but less than a year. I say that’s progress. Yay and thankful for my eyes to be opening again.

 

My commitment to myself is to blog at least 3 days per week, no matter what I have to say. This started out as a journal, and because of life becoming so busy, and losing my "actual" journal... blogging online was the next best things for me. 

 

Cheers to the path of progress and opening my heart to my souls’ desire and discovery of this path, no matter where we go. I will be listening with my heart!

Teamworrk

It’s a challenge for me to want to fix something, if the others involved are not willing to participate. –Fully!

The path to resistance of change can sometimes cloud the perception. The perception that comes from the mind that “WANTS” you to stay comfortable. 

How can a person change other people’s minds? Be a willing participant; be part of a team? Enthusiasm, a renewed sense of things are going to get better. Of course there will always be a time where we shed the old away, and bring forth the new. 

Oh what a challenge, I’m excited to fix something again. I’ve been SOOOOO bored at work. It’s a bit crazy right now, but things WILL get better!

Chaos

I have been short tempered lately and quite honestly it’s not fair to the people and loved ones around me. At times it takes me a bit, to become aware of the situation until its right here smacking me in the face. Oh, and yesterday… it did just that!

I so desperately want calm, quiet, peace and structure! But I’ve realized that in every aspect of my life, I have chaos right now.

Home; trying so desperately to finish the remodeling project that is going to be “NOW” 1 month overdue AND… I do truly hope for no more surprises. I really want out of my rental… wasted money; I hate wasting my hard earned $$$

Relationship; I can say that it is not on my side of the relationship, its unfinished business on his. I also truly hope that a resolution comes soon. On a scale from 1- 10, I would say it’s a 3. Only because... I no longer am dealing with his “stuff” --A boundary I made to save the relationship from escalating to becoming another past relationship. 

Work; Oh that is an entire situation of its own. So hard to come to work not knowing what is going to spring up next. Are the processes going to change again? Is the President/Owner going to make more rules and set more roadblocks up that prevent me from doing my job with integrity and in an efficient way? Is he going to go off on me because of something I did that was requested from me but didn’t come directly from him? AND I wasted “my” time doing something that wasn’t very important (In his opinion) this entire situation has become very apparently clear to me. I have to get out!

I love what I do, but at this point… I am second guessing everything I do. AND why have I allowed him to take my power?  This company didn’t know financially what was up or down, let alone accounts hadn’t been reconciled when I arrived, and now things are accurate according to the GAAP. In all my years as a Financial Controller, I have never been treated as if I’m just a ragdoll that you can push around. I demand and have certainly earned the respect. I have my MBA and 19 years of experience to back up the knowledge I claim to have. So the hard choice for me, was that I am now looking for another job. 

I really don’t want to but honestly, I made the decision in 2013 to work and retire with one company, but in this case due to ethical GAAP principles and the permissions I “have” to get to just follow the GAAP and the laws surrounding HR –TO JUST DO MY JOB-- I can no longer keep myself in this painful situation. I’m out! I truly strive in situations where you make me in charge of “my department” That way the credit or the accountability of not doing something is 100% owned by me.

In short, I really needed to get some of these thoughts OUT of my head. They bother me. B-A-D! 

I cannot wait to look back 6 months from now and see where I may land in my future and what changes have happened because of those conscience decisions.

Live and Love Life –ALWAYS… no matter where you are, it’s where you are supposed to be.

Adapting to your environment

It’s amazing to me how humankind with such a diversity of amazing gifts can sometimes sabotage their own personal growth unintentionally and unconsciously.

In this ever evolving roller coaster of life, we can either learn to adapt or fight it. What do you choose? Me personally, I can remember a time when I used to fight it. Until… at some point in life I finally came to the realization that things change for a reason. Back then I would think… why fix it, if it’s not broken? -It’s comfortable right. But what really is our comfort zone?

I realize (from experience) that change is uncomfortable and very challenging but for the most part, it’s easier said than done but... change is where the stretching and growth occurs.

Do you wish to stay where you are, or do you want to grow and stretch?

This topic can go in so many directions, but the one thing I want to bring home is how nature no matter how bad things may get or how good things are… it ALWAYS adapts.

This is an amazing example!

Think of a river that flows ever so greatly… then all of a sudden something dramatic happens and something creates a blockage of the flow of the water. Does the water stomp and kick and throw a tantrum? Does the flow of water recruit to remove the blockage? No, it just adapts to the new changes and find another way to continue the flow of water.

 

The challenge question I have for you is how well do you adapt to changes in your life?

I hope that this scenario will assist you to have a better understanding of adapting to changes, and that change is a challenge, but in the end I hope you see that it will be TOTALLY WORTH IT!

A time for thankfulness

I know that I was struggling back in 2008 and 2009. I know why, and I know what I was searching for.

 

In looking back over the past few years… I remember how many questions I had. I've learned... The quality of the question, determines the quality of the answer.  

This is my observation as of today… Not that many entries and even the journal entries in my offline journal are scarce as well. -Here’s to the gratefulness of discovering those answers and feeling good!  

Over analyzing again!

Sometimes I find my mind running. -Running with thoughts that drift; drift into deeper more analytical mind fuck. Yes, I cursed. That is just the perfect word for it too! -A sort of mental craziness per say. A record that plays in your mind... well at least I'll share what it feels like for me... Anyways~ It plays the same thought, the same doubt, and the same record of beliefs in which we have... over and over again..... and for me I'm questioning those.... What is healthy vs. unhealthy 4 me? Why not tell yourself something different and change it? Find your contrast and use it to guide you, to clarity. No matter what is going on in our lives.... REMEMBER there is polarity, and you can only find what you seek.