I've been thinking

For so many years I ran, ran, ran to chase the ultimate dream of being wealthy and living a life of freedom. But in turn, life provided me so many lessons on what that dream "really" is. I thought it was money, but now... not so much! I guess some would say that is what happens when you grown up? Right? Sure, money is an important piece of life, but it is no longer what is driving me. 

Honestly, last year was a abruptly eye opening experience that I will NEVER forget. I thought, I'm doing great, taking care of my body, going to the gym, eating well, no bad habits that have me in an addiction mindset. I'm healthy! Buuut, when I go back and read my posts, I realize that I am not great. I've been searching. Searching for blissful happiness; pure contentment. I've always said... it starts within. Maybe that is why I am SO in my mind these days.

One cannot obtain true happiness from the outside, it's superficial and artificially created. I feel it would be a temporary situation, but eventually the new-ness wears off and you are back to "chasing" the next thing. 

That brings me to my most recent thoughts. Sure, I started a new job and it has kept me quite busy. Too busy, but let's be honest... I like busy, but I am realizing that it's not what I want anymore. Now that the new-ness has worn off, I understand that I am bringing things into my life to keep me busy. Deterrent, distraction, procrastination to exploring more of me. 

Not the surface me, but, the real me. The deeper me. I feel that getting to know that part of me, scares the bejeebers out of me. However, I feel like it's time to discover the me who loves being outside in the rain, smelling the flowers and digging in the dirt to create a beautiful natural environment that surrounds me. 

I think I am starting to realize that this life that I've worked so hard for, is not the one I want anymore. 

Sure I am a whiz at accounting, it is a natural gift, but it is no longer what I want. Sooooo, what do you want. Darn Michael Losier... in my head when I hear the contrast in my thoughts. The real answer is I don't know. AND when I don't know I don't do anything, yet. It's time for exploration! Fun!