My skin is so angry with me. OMG!

So last week was a moment of reality that I had too much on my plate and that I could barely hang on too all of it. Not to mention the need to work remotely. So much has changed. I gave notice to leave my job.

Their policy is to separate, cut all ties... right away. To longer be attached to my employer... NICE! -relieved as I don't think I could've mustered energy to train, update and explain stuff. So I'm grateful. Brutal if I had to stay on, but a relief in finishing that chapter.  -How many chapters would be in a book of all my experiences?  -Now I'm curious!

Anywhoo... Doing what I need to do with sitz baths... better in my own bathroom. My rectum has like this ring of fire where the skin around my rectum is burnt/red/swollen and so angry with me! I am applying Vaseline to the dried out areas, but doing what is necessary in helping me find comfort during this experience has been a learning experience. Whoa!

Smooth Sailing

End to week 4 and things have shifted with my energy. Finally have the timing of meds to numb things. I find myself having to slow down. My body will not do, what I want IT to do. So I have no choice but to slow down. Or I get super dizzy!

Its what I asked for, for years. So that was not the way I saw it going, but in reality... I never ACTUALLY slowed down. Maybe for a hot minute. So the universe provided the necessary experience to MAKE me do it. 

I wonder how many times during all 200+ blog posts, I ask for things to: SLOW DOWN?

Thank you LOA, but wow! That is awareness in your face!

Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!

Lost or Found

Am I lost? 

Am I found? -Feeling like it’s been a challenge for me to accept my decision to resign from my Controller position without a plan. It’s taken me a hot minute for me to come to terms with my decision. Have I accepted it?

Earlier blog that never was posted and just in looking back at this progress. Totally flipped that switch!

Feeling like it can be over soon enough! I’m mentally so not connected to my job anymore. I want to be DONE! So yeah, totally accepted the fact that I’ve resigned! Taking a break. Excited to see what is next for me on this enlightening path to self-discovery. Where am I going. Just enjoying every moment, just doing, me!

Cheers to progress!

Reaching new heights!

For quite sometime I have been wanting to skydive... But the thought of being up high scared the bugeebers out of me so I have been procrastinating for quite sometime until... TODAY!

It is just another reminder to me of the brains way of keeping me in my "comfort zone"

This experience was so much fun that I am definitely going again!

Below is the link to view my pictures on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=92742&id=1216724905&saved#!/album.php?aid=92742&id=1216724905

Where thinking gets me sometimes…

I realized the other day that I had not forgiven my estranged husband. I still had hard feelings for the situation I felt that I was forced into. How and why would anyone not communicate about the situation we put ourselves in? I feel that he couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on him as well as the overall situation itself. So he just left without letting me in about what his intentions were.

I’ll admit it; we pushed each others buttons and played TAG! I know that I will be accountable and honestly admit that I did. I had fear of our situation too.

In the beginning I had felt as if I could take on this debt load and without even thinking it through logically, I just went for it and tried to make it work. Selling, fixing and cleaning this mess up that I was left with. I did find some help along the way and those people came into my life to not only help me but to give me those extra learning lessons. -Tough lessons about money.

I feel that I have been living my life in a poverty consciousness because of my memories from my childhood and feeling as if I never have enough. Those thoughts, or shall I say habits? I have been ungrateful for the things I have in my life; instead of being thankful for what I did have. I’m learning that we are taught what we are exposed to. -Right? Were not born with knowing how to do much of anything in our life, we learned those things along the way; everything in life is a learning experience. It’s not anyone’s fault for not teaching u that. Actually it’s the other way around. I’m thankful that I have seen the light and can change it for generations to come.

Maybe the lesson in the next stepping stone for me in this chapter of my life is about money. I know that even with me going bankrupt that it can only get better from here forward and now that I have chosen to NOT care about what happens to Tom, I have opened myself up to healing.

In this life at this moment I am here to learn and discover ME, my power, who I am!

Harboring hate, anger, resentment, rage and revengefulness is poison to my body, and my number one priority in my life is to take care of my body through a healthy lifestyle and being conscience of what choices I make along with what goes into my body in every aspect. -External and Internal.

Awareness is the key and thank you for the clues along the way to assist me in discovering the things that I want in my life.

Just a little bit of time

I am inevitably in charge of me. My thoughts are carving my future reality. What do I want? I want to live happily and have fun in life; I want to fix up this house we live in. I want to give myself credit for all that is in my life and everything I’m doing. I want to feel love. I do understand things about love… but I want to feel love as an inside feeling. -For myself and others.

I realized the other day that I’ve always allowed me to put things and other people before me. What does this mean… it means that I’ve allowed myself to be out of balance and I was sacrificing myself for others! Pleasing others for acceptance is something that I feel came from generational error.

I’ve always put my parents, my children, my husband, my business, my goals, and my drive to be successful ahead of me. (“ME” meaning my heart and soul) Honestly, Money has controlled me. Or shall I say that money has been the thing that has driven me to where I am today. So, Financially, I let it go!

But my thoughts always came back to wondering who Kim is? For a very long time, I felt like a little lost girl of an abuse stricken past that haunted me like a victim. I remember what I was like before I got married but now I feel as if there is a hole. A WHOLE part of myself that is missing. Maybe not so much a part but a….. CONNECTION

Part of my journey has led me through personal development. In some way throughout my life’s journey, I realized that I have been in some form of personal development since I divorced my first husband. Amazing to have lessons in life and not realize it until later. Later… now that I have been educated on what personal development really is.

I’m looking back and reflecting on my progression, and that has changed something for me now that I have recognized the awareness of my realizations. As time goes on and I focus on that, the awareness just keeps growing stronger.

I wholeheartedly want to work on who Kim is… I feel that because of some recent events that have happened in my life. This has brought up some very big questions. Questions for me and my parents, confusion of my mother’s punishments, anger for my father, understanding of my estranged husband’s decisions, but it has also given me the awareness in getting back to working on me.

Loving myself
Accepting my success and deservedness
Allowing myself to forgive my past as it’s never been my fault as I’ve always been led to believe.

I see things differently now. The self destruction I did in my childhood was the ripple effect of the loneliness I felt as a child. I always wanted the love of my parents but I cannot remember a time when I felt anything! I never remember my parents holding me or expressing any type of love that I can remember. Maybe words but… no action!

Everything is going to be ok! I tell this to myself so that maybe someday I will start feeling the belief of that statement. Honestly I am petrified of the unknown! I just remind myself that the positive thought is that everything will be ok and this is what I want to focus on!

Days come and go, and as each day flies by, I feel as if time is just spinning around in circles. Same stuff different day. Hmmm that’s been the story of my life.

BUT For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan of action and no game plan. That’s weird to me as I have always had a plan for my life. Well there is a first time for everything. -Right? This is me being open for new things and changes that might be very uncomfortable but necessary.

Have you ever been so driven that the rest of reality has just disappeared?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned through the abuse I endured and every situation that has made me grow. During that period I was a victim as I did not understand why I had to endure such pain through my childhood and during my life’s journey.

When does one person decide to let go of the anger, hurt and shame?

When they are sick of it controlling them? or
Their tired of feeling a certain way?

I believe the path of why I experienced what I did, is part of a greater purpose in life.

In every situation as you deem “bad” look for the ways in which was “good” “you grew”

WTF!? Look for the good Shhya right! You’re crazy. That’s what I would’ve said but now that much time has passed from my experiences and I understand the art of letting go…. I see things in a different perspective.

We all have games we play with ourselves…. It’s what I call the “Mental Mind Fuck” It clenches onto the thoughts of your desires and cravings.

Who is going to win?

Your desire to change? OR
Your Mental Mind Fuck?

I say look at what you have gained from your experiences. Focus on the good and forget the bad.

Maybe you’ve heard it before…. BUT You can’t change what has already happened but you can certainly get up and keep going.

I’m doing it!

It is ok to see the challenge in front of you and be scared! Be scared and still do it and life will be amazing. Because you stretched yourself to the challenge of change. I'm giving myself credit for doing that in my life! Be proud of all that you do. The mistakes are part of the process.

Deep seeded in my head? Where??

When someone touches me in a, oh so good spot things in my life start feeling uncomfortable. -Normal things between married couples. But for me, all I hear is my mother saying how I'm a dirty little girl. Wow, to come to understand why I feel uncomfortable about what your husband does is normal. I just have this belief that touching me sexually is a dirty thing. Really what that boils down to is that my mother taught me that. Tom to touch me and love me is ok because I like it. To shed the belief that I now understand, I must learn to love and allow. I like it when you rub my luscious lips. I love it when you are freshly shaven. I love that you can cook, I love your bald head, and I love and admire your passion for being successful. -I love you.

Deep seeded things that I never really understood, until now. Who would've ever dreamed that some of the things you do today are a direct correlation to some of your past. Huh? I'm still learning more about me here. Talk about an awakening to something much deeper though. This means that we hold ourselves back because of some of the beliefs we were labeled with as a child. This can be detrimental and devastating. Sheesh, its tough enough just growing up as a kid. Something that someone once said to you and; with that person's belief, they judged you and I guess it tends to stick for some reason. That's what we get for looking up to our peers or our parents. Who'd ever known that! Definitely NOT ME! Until now…. What I learned a long time ago and I've always called it… Generational Error. –The things we get from our parents, the things they got from their parents, and the things they got from their parents, and so on…. -This vicious cycle. I'm thankful of my awareness' to some of the reasons why I tell Tom no. I've learned so many things from my parents. I'm so thankful that my parents taught me things that I'd never want my children to experience because I remember the way it made me feel. I'm thankful for some of the lessons I was taught by "the hard way" because that changed my life in a dramatic way. AND a BIG THANK YOU again for the challenges you put forth with those deep seeded thoughts I have. They have taught me that what I like is all that matters, and its ok. I am learning the aspect of allowing things to happen. You know they say go with the flow….. Tom said it the other day in talking to me about riding the flow of life. He likes it mellow and I like it with determinate, speed. I'm learning about allowing the change to flow within me from the core of what I want. By the way I'm still figuring out me right now, what I want is next, I promise.

Who would’ve ever known?

Not the way I would've ever imagined this conversation I had with my mother. BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL..... I am so thankful for the conversation I had with my mother on Sunday. I was able to have an adult conversation with her and listen to why she was calling me. –My brother. Finally doing something outside of my comfort zone! I have been able to confront my mother about some things that happened when I was a child. –No longer scared of her….I was able to express how I felt about those situations that made a big impression in my life... Monte made such an impact and I know that my mother does not know the whole story. I told my mother that my relationship with her was not close when I was a child…. I knew this because of how I remember the incident with Monte and how I came forth. I told my best friends mother about it before I told my own mother. I remember that I was so afraid of my mother when I was a child. To express myself freely with my mother was a great thing. Maybe the beer I shared with Tom earlier aided in that but overall….. The conversation we had was such a connection that I've never shared with her in my life. I feel like since I was able to tell her about some of the incidents that made such an impact on my life. -I was uplifted to express myself about something that bothered me as a child. She shared with me the struggles of her past and her chemical imbalance of her brain. She called it Emotional Stress. -The abuse she endured. -She expressed to me how YAK has really helped her…..Funny thing is that I tell myself everyday that the YAK is healthy for my body and I just drink it. It's yaklicious. It's Chinese Herbs from my uncle Allan. The enlightened feeling I have about this whole connection with my mom… She has no idea of my breakthrough with her when Tom and I attended the Breakthroughs with Jeffrey Combs. That's when I had confirmation of the angry feelings against my mother. Many Breakthroughs for me in my life, each one I learn something different. To see the growth that I am doing is an eye opening experience for me. I truly can choose what I want in life. I have had many things happen in my life and most of my childhood memories are not happy ones. But I learned after I divorced my 1st husband that I could choose to have a victorious life as a survivor. So I changed my tune of no longer choosing to be a victim. This still meant that I had the past to deal with but never knew how. That conversation with my mother was a deep sense of connection to my mother. She was allowing herself to be vulnerable and I allowed myself the same privilege. I stood up to my mother without any of the confrontations. -Just a conversation. I'm sure there are many more learning experiences that I will be challenged with in my life.....I'm definitely learning along the way. Thank you for the abundance I have in my life, I am truly blessed beyond measure.