Disconnected

Something has changed. I can feel it. I feel that disconnecting from GF will be the start. 

I need this job to calm down so I can have more time for myself. I cannot hold on much longer as my discontent is not sitting well. I need to shift my focus, activities and take action TOWARDS that change. 

Do the things I love to do. Maybe enjoy with a smile. Not sure what all those are, but I have a list already started in my mind. I will transition my free time, create more free time to get personally more invested. Too old for this shit! Come, ooon!

Golden Nugget

 

All Lies!

I had no idea that the food labels are not accurate. Actually it is in the benefit of the food manufacturer. OMG What?

So there is an actual formula and I'm discovering how to apply that knowledge into power. 

What are my challenges?

Food is my biggest challenge. Especially sugar. 

Finding recipes to cook each meal prep

• 3500 calories= 1# of fat
• ½ body weight of ounces and water
• 1 gram of fat = 9 calories 

Not even a jar

The other day, I went to go open the jar of tea, and I shed a few tears trying to open it. I think I tried opening it 3 or 4 times before I finally got it open. Awakening moment of how weak certain parts of my body are. Although today I shoveled dirt, moved some small rocks, planted about 10 plants and helped with the fire. It's because I utilized my plant medicine to provide me a boost. I'm sure my muscles will feel that tomorrow!

I am ready to get in the pool a couple days a week, after work. Get my body back into shape. Slowly floating in my main element. I miss floating in the water!

Taking it easy

Working on Saturday made me realize just how tired I still am. Getting up and down was exhausting, but having the desks there was nice in helping me pull myself up and support myself when needed.

My energy is best in the morning, but as the day goes on, I get more and more tired. It doesn’t help that I have been so busy that I don’t really eat, but on the same note… I am not really that hungry. I feel like, IF I was to be hungry, my stomach would grumble and I WOULD stop to ensure it was taken care of. 

This is my opportunity in having self-awareness in remembering to love myself, slow down and to pay attention. 

Do not allow things to go back to the way they were!

Don’t do it!

I was given the opportunity to take all the time I needed to ensure that I was ultimately ready to go back to work. Amazingly still pinching myself, and grateful to have been chosen for this position.

I was very excited to start this new job but scared at the same time. My energy is still not 100%, it’s barely 50%. The heat drains my energy like a tipped over glass of water pouring out rapidly and I wasn’t sure that I could make it a full day.

Honestly, one never goes into a new position because things are in order and all is well, unless you are the successor of the one who may be leaving and that is not the case with this job. Which is a-okay as coming in and fixing things is right in my wheelhouse, which I thoroughly enjoy! Nerve racking, but nonetheless, love it!

I came into the first day with a plan, and that quickly was tarnished as I began to discover just how bad things are in the office. As the days continued, the plan evolved, but was muddled with all the inefficiencies and inorganization lingering over my office. My only solution was to come into the office on a day that I could have uninterrupted time to get through all the papers in the office. I needed things to get organized, right now. So, I planned to come in on Saturday to make this a reality.

Here’s the caveat, do not allow the new job to get you back to the hustle and bustle of being busy!

Do not allow the new job to take over your life!

Do not give, give, give without having the balance of keeping things slow and steady.

Awareness to ensure that I take things slow! -Thank you!

Surrendering

It is amazing to me that I am continuing to fight with myself. Surrendering to not having the energy to be myself and do the things that I'd like to do. Mostly outside, working in my yard, but nonetheless. Stopped in my tracks!

Does this mean that there must be a "new" me? I must surrender to the old ways of living my life to realigning to the new me? New me? What does that mean? No matter what is happening... I feel the shift happening within my soul and now, more than ever... I am ready for it!

My entire life, I have had to be on survival mode. Yes, that's right... as child to survive my parents neglect & abuse, as a teenager to survive leaving home and make it on my own, and so and so on. I won't get into that as that is not what I want to talk about. For me, that meant... always living my life through the masculinity and staying tough to survive. Not feeling like a victim of it, just recognizing the necessity of not living my life through my femininity. 

Just recently, even though I've have had discussions before with Brian... he reminded me again that... My entire life, I've lived through my masculinity, but the conscious shift has organically been happening within my soul in shifting to living my life through femininity. I don't understand what that feels like or what that even means. 

During my last session, I asked Brian. He helped my understand that masculinity is doing and femininity is feeling. What an ah ha moment!!!

Over the past few years, I have been feeling the shift of doing things that "feel" good vs just being a good soldier and do what I'm told without challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm still "doing", but definitely feeling has been more in the forefront of all my decisions. 

So grateful for the teachers in my life and the openness in allowing the messages to be received. Thank you!

What brings you joy?

Thanks Brian for holding me accountable. Awareness to a deeper connection.

So this has been on my mind and I feel that I have been overthinking it. Totally. I had to think of it differently to make the connection. 

So for me, it's what makes me smile? I have been catching myself smiling in the activities, tasks, chores, things that are in my life. --Things like:

Family, especially J, we compliment each other so well in our relationship. Love the kids, who are not kids anymore.

Gardening, labor of love! Recognized the smile as I was outside yesterday, digging up weeds and over sprayed hydroseeded grass... got a good workout and the colors are coming together nicely. Ahhh, labor of love. Can't wait to see the landscaping in 3-5 years, it's a long term plan. 

Roux & Mia, dog poo is not my favorite thing to do, but playing with the dogs is fun!

Food, not only eating it, but cooking it too! I loooove good food. 

Rocks, boy, do I LOVE rocks! I have favs from the different states I've lived in. Certain Wood Logs and BAGS of rocks have made moves across the country as we've moved around. Cannot wait to set up all these things as I landscape this huge yard!

Blogging, I started out with journals even further back than this blog goes. Those paper written journals are long lost. I noticed in looking back in my 16 years of blogs... I have a ton of which are not hash-tagged. I can recognize the pattern in years I had some kind of initiation in my life. Looking back allowed me see the progress. Some of it has been AMAZING progress.  

This is heavy on my heart and my mind. If it doesn't bring me joy, then I need to re-think it. Do only the things that bring you joy! --But in my mind, you can't have joy all the time. Right? Stuff happens.

Still processing the other stuff, but for now as I work through this next experience in my life... I need to do MORE of what brings a smile to my face.

Don't have too!

I don't have to go to the gym every day. I have a gym right here in my backyard! I stated that I wanted to go to the gym daily and start on the 19th and I probably will start at some point, but not this week. I need some time to find the new balance for my day, for me. Whatever that may be!

My mindset is so stuck, still. I am not 20, or even 30 anymore. I am almost 50 and I need to start shifting my mindset to be more realistic. I don't need to keep up, or prove anything to anyone but me!

I don't have to be an overachiever. I was raised that way, for sure! BUT it is time to start making some changes!

Cheers to the awareness and taking action to making the change.

Fred and the awareness surrounding his visit

In the beginning, I thought this was just a flare up, and that I could, with the right attention… heal it. Besides, I don’t have any issues as this is only the 2nd time I can remember ever having to deal with it.

If you’re wondering what “it”… It is my internal hemorrhoids. Not only did I get the gift of a (no drugs) natural birth to my youngest kiddo in 1996, but I was also given the gift of hemorrhoids. Thank you?

I cannot ever remember having this big of a flair up. Trust me, it would be as memorable as this current experience has been. I feel that I can attribute this to my eating lifestyle. I’ve always ate wholesome and as natural as possible. Maybe not so much while I was in my 20’s, but that certainly changed in 2007 when I learned more about food, food additives and FDA standards. It will shock you to know what acceptable standards allowable in our foods. OMG, but that is a different story. 

I cannot remember when this started, but I know that I separated from my job at the law firm in the first week of August. I know that I had some cream on hand from my competition days. Side note, believe it or not hemorrhoid cream is very helpful when you tear your calluses off. It helps with the swelling!  I can see that I ordered some stuff on 9/12. So, I feel it’s safe to say that it started around the 1st of September. I was taking baths, using ice, heating pads, herbal supplements, a holistic ointment as well rotating other topical creams and suppositories. Nope, weeks and months went by with no “real” progress. I could get things unwound, but no matter what I did. It was still there and was quite uncomfortably painful. I thought I could heal this on my own, but I finally broke down and saw a doctor in March, who then referred me to a surgeon. It was so swollen that even she couldn’t see or diagnose it, but the suspicion is that it is an anal fissure. It may have started as a hemorrhoid, but now it’s something else. In light of this experience, I feel that this has been with me for so long that I have named him Fred. Not funny, but he is my unwanted guest who has worn out his welcome! I’m ready for him to leave as my daily life has been affected, big time! Not to mention, I have spent far too much time with that part of my body, then I ever imagined I would. I asked my husband if he is jealous of Fred since I have been spending so much time with him. Just joking!

The surgeon mentioned surgery, but I am so against any kind of surgery. I know there has to be another way. Maybe not the quick, easy fix, but nonetheless, I refuse to cut things out of my body… unless I HAVE to. So she prescribed a compound cream which has Fred almost gone. Still there, but shrinking, finally! I thought I was in pain before, until the healing started. I now realize that this pain is much worse! OMG!!!!

I know now that there is a reason that he has been sticking around this long. Showing me “awareness of” something? Maybe heal, not show? My take away is this. As I have spent time with Fred, there has been some emotional experiences surrounding the healing that has happened with Fred. Deep feelings of tears, some laughter, but mostly a lot of crying. Maybe this is my emotional stuff that was buried deep down there. Maybe it’s ancestral healing? I don’t know, but I have learned that I need to revert back to my healthy lifestyle with food.

Since my husband has come into my life, my lifestyle has changed. Cable TV, fast food and “some” processed foods have found their way in my diet. I will take accountability for allowing that to sneak in, but that is now changing in light of this situation. Maybe it could be a combination of a few things. Age could be an attributor too. 

This experience has shown me a valuable lesson. It’s clear to me, that changes need to be made. 

Cheers to awareness and the lessons that are brought forth by the natural order. I appreciate the eye opening experience. It will definitely allow me to think twice about what I am feeding my body. 

7 months later

Wow, has it really been 7 months? I am feeling so disconnected right now. Ungrateful mostly. I recognize that the feelings and actions, must change. Haven’t blogged in a long while. It just means that everything has been good!

Lots has happened and I’m still processing, but I recognize that I need to flip the switch. Smoking again; not good. Drinking a little too. Change is rising to the surface of my emotions, though, I can feel it. Feeling like I need to flip that switch. Get serious about certain things in my life. Like food… sweet sugary yumminess. I need to cut down on my sugar. Recognizing some things about myself. Thank you! 😊

I have SO much to be grateful for. Complained that I had to pay taxes on the investments, instead of being grateful that we made that 10 fold. I just started a new Controller role. Things are so good.

Oh, and my favorite part… I’m getting ready to plant like 300 plants in the Spring with my family. That is going to totally change the look of the house. Thank you that the rock was available to mould this property. We are fortunate!

Tomorrow is Friday! Thank you! I am SOOOO ready for the weekend!

Here’s to flipping the switch

Stop the mental mind fuck… NOW!

For too many weeks now, I have been giving into my mental mind fuck. Yup, that’s right, it’s been just a bunch of gibberish that has allowed me to make very bad decisions with food.

Am I screwed up mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Mentally, yes, lately. Totally eating my feelings

Physically, well, sort of… since I’ve allowed my mind to win over control of things, I’ve gained some weight. Progress out the door and down the street. LOL

Emotionally, yeah, I have my moments and sometimes days, but this time… it’s been weeks!

After having a blow out with Jason on Friday and I must say that in 11 years, this is our 3^rd one… I realized that I am allowing this to happen and then I’m making an excuse for it. The shitty part of this has been that I allowed myself to be okay with it. Yaa, no more!

Why did I allow this? Well here goes my rant, so that I can get it off my mind!

We decided to move to Asheville, I accepted a great position back in September and moved out of my home to start work here in NC. Yup I rented a space here while Jason lived in FL. I travel back and forth by car because the company I work for due to COVID had a no-travel policy without quarantining. No big deal, but after 4 months, it got old, fast! Finally, I started flying and Jason made a few trips up here by truck so he could tow a U-Haul to move some of the small stuff out of the way before we made the final move when we sold our home. Oh yeah, that was back in April, and we moved out by May 31^st. We have been in an Airbnb since June 1. Moved to another one as of last week and must move into another one next week. WHEN IS MY HOUSE GOING TO BE FINISHED? The builder states that all should be finalized by end of the month, so we are at the finish line.

The point of today was to recognize my mental mind fuck taking over, it started gradual, but eventually consumed me. Yes, I allowed it, but the time has come when enough is enough.

Getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.

Thank you for the awareness and the mindset -reset!

Doing what’s right for me!

I made the decision to get out of a stressful management position in early 2020. I no longer wanted to be driven by the all mighty dollar, but still feel myself swaying in that direction. Old programming and again, I don’t feel it’s worth the trade. Of course, everyone wants to make more money, and I understand that the there is an expectation of duties when you are in a higher paid position.

What I’m getting to is… last year I excepted a position. It wasn’t in managing people, just processes. Within a couple of months, there was some transition and things shifted and I was placed in a position that would be needed as the department lost a key person. Always a team player. Always willing to do what is needed. However, after a few months, I found that the organization of the department and my duties was not working for me. Again, after speaking up, the organization was placed and for a few more months as this transition settled, I was okay. Until… now.

For the past few months, I have been feeling a bit overrun. The quality of my work has decreased, and I feel as if there is too much to do. I cannot keep up and many things that are not a priority have been placed on the back burner. Many reports that need to be addressed only get halfway done because there isn’t enough time to follow through with everything. I just do not feel proud of this and I want to be proud of everything I do. I do that in my personal life. I want to live that way congruently throughout my entire self.

In short, I started the conversation yesterday to address the challenges that I feel that I’m facing. Does that mean I step down and let someone else handle this juggling act of this position? Sure, I am okay with that. In my mind making even less money again… challenging, but worth it! However, I do hope that with some good brain storming, we can find a way to re-structure things a bit to accommodate and make the department run smoothly. I understand that we are short staffed by 1, but I will not be able to keep this up knowing that there is so much to do with the expectations of what NEEDS to be done. I need to be proud of what I produce. Not that I don’t do a good job, but I know I could do better. Right now, I feel like I have no time and cannot connect to the tasks, I just follow what has always been done and process, process, process.

Still a bit all over the place with this, but at least I am addressing now (sooner) rather than later (when it’s at my breaking point) –Kudo’s to me for recognizing the pattern earlier and “taking” action. I’m proud of my progress!

CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE

I know that if you focus your time, thoughts, and energy on things of your choosing, then you will get more of that. So why have I become so negative? Really, it’s a choice, and I fell victim to this due to my current circumstances over the past 9 months of living apart from my family. I ALLOWED it!

How many times have I preached “have gratitude” be grateful for what and where you are “now” But lately, I feel myself becoming more cynical of myself. Kind of a nag! Complainer! Bitchy! Totally not me!

Do I want something to change, yes? How do I make that happen? I still don’t know, but when the timing is right, it will happen. I need to remember not to pressure myself into making a decision that would be a mistake!

Today, I am remembering to stay true to my beliefs, have patience and love each moment, in the moment. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

Here’s to making mistakes, recognizing them, and moving forward. 

Too busy and not liking it!

After my day yesterday, I wanted to journal so bad, but I was SO scattered from my super frazzled day that I couldn’t even begin to type the words and articulate anything that made sense. Despite me having my entrainment yesterday, I still was super fired up about my horribly challenging day. Honestly, those days make me question my job!

I devoted myself to being in a slower lifestyle and this job has me running on most days! I run from the time I get there until the time I leave. Most days, I don’t take a lunch because I just need to get things done. No, I didn’t say I don’t eat, I just don’t stop to take a lunch “break”. I am more and more re-thinking my job and what is really “GOOD” for me. I have always been driven by the old mighty dollar, but now, not so much. I’d rather be happy.

Honestly, I am trying to be grateful, but it is becoming a challenge to stay in that mindset. I understand it is a choice and I catch myself nagging. Above everything, I must ensure that I stay positive, grounded, and make the best decisions.

Today is a better day and I am so grateful.

Busy, busy, busy… AGAIN!

Many times, I have found myself back in “this” spot. Of course, it’s only after I’ve gone down the rabbit hole again and months have passed by. Yay to awareness!

 

Why does this keep happening? If you want to make a change, you must do something differently. Right? So, why do I keep circling back to the same spot? -Is it because I keep myself busy; unconsciously put things in my path to deter myself from these changes. -Or maybe were human, creatures of habit and we eventually end up right where we were until awareness sets back in, despite of our desires.

 

Regardless of why, the real question is how I can break this for good?

 

Last year I made the decision to make that change and because making money became more important, it has allowed me to creep back to my old ways. However, the desire for change is starting to set back in again. Thankfully, not 3 years later, but less than a year. I say that’s progress. Yay and thankful for my eyes to be opening again.

 

My commitment to myself is to blog at least 3 days per week, no matter what I have to say. This started out as a journal, and because of life becoming so busy, and losing my "actual" journal... blogging online was the next best things for me. 

 

Cheers to the path of progress and opening my heart to my souls’ desire and discovery of this path, no matter where we go. I will be listening with my heart!

Slow Down!

About a month ago, I was out at the property cutting and widening the trail to the river with Jason. Within 2 days, a few blotches appeared and then it became an itchy rash. Unbearably irritating! I thought I was going to scratch my skin off, but after some research, many creams, and a dermatologist visit, I discovered that I encountered poison oak. OMG what a horrible experience!

Looking back in hindsight. Horrible, yes. Eye opening, yes, yes, yes! This experience made me STOP. Yes, that’s right! I couldn’t go to the gym, I couldn’t go outside, and I could barely focus at work. Why, well wearing clothes made it itch, being in heat made it itch. I was itchy ALL THE TIME! AND OMG, I just wanted to be still, not move and just get through this horrible experience. Ice was my friend; I was wearing and sleeping with it for days! Whew, thank you for my dermatologist who prescribed me a steroid treatment… I am at week 4 now and now will be conscience of my outside natural surroundings. Look out for living creatures; plants can be dangerous too!

Not only did I learn that, but this experience has MADE me stop and become more aware of ME again. The beat of my soul is shining through, and it is saying…

Stop, slow down and see that your life’s choices right now are not feeding your soul.

You’re not invisible, stop and be aware of new things. -Time for change

Opened my eyes!

Boy, am I upset today! Mostly at myself, but really, I am going to take a second and be grateful to be aware of this situation and my feelings around it.

I really love the company that I work for, their mission statement is as congruent as you can get to one’s own.  I truly am grateful to have found this job and to be employed during these times. But today was an eye-opening experience that will truly change how I view my work structure.

I have always given 110% at whatever I do. Yeah, I may get tired at times, but will always do whatever it takes to do a job well done! At most places I’ve worked, there has been some flexibility due to my work habits and it was always an ebb and flow understanding.

Not today, I voiced that I’d like to leave ½ day this Friday because I’m headed home and it’s a 12-hour drive. I had a doctor’s appointment and wanted to leave earlier in the day and utilize some of my sick time. The answer, no. I can use my sick time to travel to/from and the time while I’m at my doctor’s appointment, but the time that I am not at the docs, I must use vacation. What a load of shit! Flexibility that was agreed upon when I took the job was obviously just words! I am extremely upset about this situation. Goes to show, the relevance of being self-employed, more ammunition to make this a reality for myself!

I can see now that this is a one-sided agreement. Gratefulness to learning early on in this workspace, that I will only work my scheduled hours, no more, no less. I will give you everything as I already do, but working anymore than 40 hours a week, will NEVER happen again!

I am pist off about this! Call me a child, but I moved here to have a hang loose less stressful life, and I will NOT allow my job to rule my life! If this job requires me to work more than 40 hours, than it is no longer the job for me. I will give notice and move on! -Okay that was my rant for the day. Moving on! -NEXT.

Tomorrow will be a better day!

How do I fix this?

Back in 2019, I was training HARD for the Spartan Trifecta. Brutal body condition and HIIT training with my personal trainer. I’d been training with Josh for 3 years, but the year of the race, our workouts became more intensely focused.  I learned a lot. Things like… what is a erector spinae? Mind/muscle connection, like pumice stone your calluses, or they will tear off! Ouch, and if you want to assist in expediting your healing process, Preparation H is the best! Who would’ve ever thought?

After 2 races, September of that year, I was starting to feel exhausted! From FT working, and training at the gym? NO matter what the cause, I learned after some extensive bloodwork, that I had exhausted my adrenal glands, and had virtually… zero testosterone in my body. I began to take a second hormone, testosterone. I was already taking Progesterone.

Side bar, the cost of non-covered prescriptions when you have medical insurance angers me.  My medical didn’t cover any of these compound hormones. I was paying $100/3-month supply for progesterone.  Now a second hormone. That one was also not covered, and it was $100/mo.

My strength in the gym dramatically improved, the testosterone aided me in my last months of training before the January Beast race. I stayed on this hormonal regimen until December 2020. After being advised from my new doctor that the hormones I was taking weren’t working. I shouldn’t have these symptoms considering the hormone regimen I was on. My current symptom was… 2 full periods a month: for the last 11 months, too long! I felt as if I was on my period, more than I wasn’t!

My FL doc suggested in August of 2020, to get me on estrogen to fix the problem. When my estrogen in the beginning, before I started taking progesterone was perfect. Now I must add another hormone? Not accepting this resolution and I was getting ready to move anyways. I talked to my new doctor in NC, and I got the green light to stop all hormones. I still workout at the gym, now 6 days a week on my own. I miss Josh, but I totally have found my mojo in the gym. Thanks to Josh, because he shared his wisdom as a PT and a friend!

Hormone free, and without the testosterone, I feel the difference in the gym. But, Good News, symptoms gone! -Who knew I was causing this onto myself! Thank the heavens for regularity again. More evidence of a vicious drug cycle I didn’t want to continue!

Loving the Awareness

Suddenly realized

Lately, I have been feeling as if I am not being true to my spirit and soul. I feel as if I am wearing a mask. Not intentionally, but again the old programming to lead my daily life.

What do I want? True blissfulness. I know that with everything we do there is, yin to the yang; with all the bliss, there also are challenges. In short, not always going to be good days!

I know that deep down in my soul, accounting is no longer what feeds my soul, not that it ever did. It just paid the bills and got me where I am today. I’m thankful; I have been successful. I chose to let that go and be happy! Long ago if you would’ve asked me… it was being rich. Monetarily! Now, I just want to wake up every morning and feel as if I am living my soul’s purpose. What is and what does that look like? Dunno, but the strong awareness of this desire to life true to my soul’s desire is becoming stronger!

I choose a life of living freely in happiness. Slowing down! I love how this topic keeps coming up. It’s evolving, but still making its way to the forefront. This is my journey! Shift of consciousness and living a life freely!

I don’t know what that is yet? I am still in money making mode as I begin this transition into my true self.

Here’s to trusting the process.

Love & Light