Unraveling

I have so many thoughts, and as each day passes, I feel as if I am unraveling more and more, becoming more emotional. Starting to lose it! Emotionally, and mentally! I feel physically on auto pilot, just pushing through the motions, but allowing myself permission to allow these emotions to come through.

Negative thoughts of myself and the perception of who I am… I am starting to question every part of it! Every part of me. My past, my actions, hell, my future, my emotions, and self-doubt. Of course, I understand that I am my worst critic and I continually beat myself up over, nothing. Self bullshit! What is happening to me? Why are these feelings getting stronger and stronger? As I write these words, tears are filling my eyes! I feel as if “something” is starting to surface. Perhaps it is as Brian states. Ancestorial baggage? Realization that I, myself am not being true to my core. I too realize that I am still wearing a mask. Not all the time but am starting to understand that the true essence of who I am is bubbling through.

Let’s be real about my career choice. I understand that I make a great Controller in the right environment. I am a control freak! Yes, I’ll admit it. As I say that though, I realize, that over the course of the past few years… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hate Accounting and I just don’t think I want to do it anymore! I can be mean at times. I can be selfish at times. Some, most days… I don’t care about others! Where is the humanity in that? Conditioning of the trauma I endured in always on the lookout for my best interest. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want to act. I want to change. I need to make that change, for me! How, and in what way? These are all great questions. Questions that I feel that my deepest thoughts and vibrational energy is shining through to my core. My soul is bubbling through, and it is starting to, maybe has been resonating through, and NOW, finally… I think that the timing is arriving for me to start making those changes.

I am ready! Bring it on. Make me cry. Make me be real. Help me in allowing myself to transition through, whatever this is! I am ready!

I am all over the place, and I feel that allowing myself to be real, and expressing it out loud will allow me the space to feel safe enough to FINALLY express myself without a filter. Whole heartedly!

Cheers to change in all the uncomfortable emotions, feelings and crap that comes with it as I go through, whatever this is. Bring it on! I will conquer this and shine through on the other side as a renewed sense of self and energy.

Feeling a bit lost

I want to be less busy. Breathe, make the time to breathe, really breathe. If I stop to breathe now, I feel as if my mind wants to rush me. Get to the gym, get through my work out and get to work. On the days that I stretch… my mind wants to be aware and keep my eyes open. I want to stop and stretch through the tightness. It's a constant struggle! Why am I allowing my mind win? I have plenty of time. Another battle for the future. In the meantime, I keep plugging away bit by bit.

I spoke with HR on Friday. Felt good to get that off my mind and start that conversation. I don’t want to be this busy at work. Busy is good, but this is too much! But now that I have, my mental mind chatter is trying SO hard to keep me where I am. Saying things like, you made a mistake. You’re short staffed, and once you’re fully staffed, it will get better. You started your period on Friday and you know how you get just before you start; you’re an irrational mess! I need to just trust myself and have faith that all will workout as it should be.

Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit lost. Staying aware of everything that is going on right now in my life, with all the transition. Acknowledging the fact that there is a lot going on and I’m 2 months away from surgery. We are so close to the finish line as the house is almost done. Needless to say though, I’m still feeling lost and starting to lose my marbles!

What is the right thing for me? I know that I want to live a life through soul, and I am currently not! I know that once I am in my home, that I WILL be doing things that I love to do through soul and right now because there is no balance it’s progressed to the point of, well… I’m barely hanging on here.

I am sending this energy out to the universe to bring me guidance in continuing to stay open and bring that energy force that will catapult me into the world of openness. Please help guide me to this sense of peace within and allow me to always have a grateful heart.

Triad of Change and Re-organizational Healing

Yes another gate has passed and the thoughts are just rolling. So here it goes.

Have you ever been at a place in life where you feel “stuck?” Stuck in the day to day rituals of allowing time to pass but you feel as if you’re not going anywhere but around and around. Funny thing really… I know that I’ve been here before, but here I am again.

I accepted a job some time ago and about a year or so, I started struggling with that job. It was no longer congruent to my energy and I knew that I needed to quit; I wasn’t sure when but I knew what I needed to do. -The question was when? 

In September 2010 after a healing vortex journey, energetic healing massage in Sedona and some time to heal, when I arrived back in Washington and went to work the next day, I knew that I could no longer be in that environment; I was compelled with sadness; a sadness that brought tears to my eyes the entire time that I was there in the office. So I felt drawn to take a visit to my boss’s office and express my feelings of discontent with the position and that it was time to leave this job. It was so liberating to know what I was supposed to do, and just do it.

So here I am 4 months later and have had a lot of time to gather myself and get clearer of what I am to do here on this path. That was what I intended but I actually found myself at a place where I felt lost. Lost in my thoughts, lost in time and space of what I “SHOULD” be doing with my time. Some of that were old conditioned patterns trying to emerge again… “The conditioned patterns of you need to work hard to get anywhere” My only thought was to not think about it. Just let the energy flow as it may and in time, the path will reveal itself. Not sure how but it would happen when the timing is right.

My questions were… What is it that I should be doing? What do I love? Where should I focus my energy on? But no matter how many questions I asked I still felt discontent for myself and the path. I felt as if I put the intention out to the universe but I wasn’t receiving the answers or the signs. 

I went to the gate with those same questions and the intentions of the laser beam focus on what I wanted out of this gate. Not attached to the results but strong intentions.

This gate was a wonderful experience but most of all the Triad of change and re-organizational healing was very informative on my how my biological make up corresponds with the way I focus and utilize my energy. 

To understand that my Behavior is my prime, structure is my keystone and my drain is perception is such a concept to understand of how to put things in motion and to understand why I have been in such a rut for so long. The bottom line is that I have been in my mind and “thinking” about those questions when my modus operandi is of action. I knew that I say in my mind but to have the realization of understanding that is a different story.

Thank you for the path and the wisdom to see the doors open and not only that to say thank you for being an open receptor to allowing this change to take place. – I can’t wait to get home and do, do, do!

Thanks Wise World for this wonderful experience and thank you to the universe for unfolding these events. I’m also not going forget to say thank you to myself for “Showing up”

Just a little bit of time

I am inevitably in charge of me. My thoughts are carving my future reality. What do I want? I want to live happily and have fun in life; I want to fix up this house we live in. I want to give myself credit for all that is in my life and everything I’m doing. I want to feel love. I do understand things about love… but I want to feel love as an inside feeling. -For myself and others.

I realized the other day that I’ve always allowed me to put things and other people before me. What does this mean… it means that I’ve allowed myself to be out of balance and I was sacrificing myself for others! Pleasing others for acceptance is something that I feel came from generational error.

I’ve always put my parents, my children, my husband, my business, my goals, and my drive to be successful ahead of me. (“ME” meaning my heart and soul) Honestly, Money has controlled me. Or shall I say that money has been the thing that has driven me to where I am today. So, Financially, I let it go!

But my thoughts always came back to wondering who Kim is? For a very long time, I felt like a little lost girl of an abuse stricken past that haunted me like a victim. I remember what I was like before I got married but now I feel as if there is a hole. A WHOLE part of myself that is missing. Maybe not so much a part but a….. CONNECTION

Part of my journey has led me through personal development. In some way throughout my life’s journey, I realized that I have been in some form of personal development since I divorced my first husband. Amazing to have lessons in life and not realize it until later. Later… now that I have been educated on what personal development really is.

I’m looking back and reflecting on my progression, and that has changed something for me now that I have recognized the awareness of my realizations. As time goes on and I focus on that, the awareness just keeps growing stronger.

I wholeheartedly want to work on who Kim is… I feel that because of some recent events that have happened in my life. This has brought up some very big questions. Questions for me and my parents, confusion of my mother’s punishments, anger for my father, understanding of my estranged husband’s decisions, but it has also given me the awareness in getting back to working on me.

Loving myself
Accepting my success and deservedness
Allowing myself to forgive my past as it’s never been my fault as I’ve always been led to believe.

I see things differently now. The self destruction I did in my childhood was the ripple effect of the loneliness I felt as a child. I always wanted the love of my parents but I cannot remember a time when I felt anything! I never remember my parents holding me or expressing any type of love that I can remember. Maybe words but… no action!

Everything is going to be ok! I tell this to myself so that maybe someday I will start feeling the belief of that statement. Honestly I am petrified of the unknown! I just remind myself that the positive thought is that everything will be ok and this is what I want to focus on!

Days come and go, and as each day flies by, I feel as if time is just spinning around in circles. Same stuff different day. Hmmm that’s been the story of my life.

BUT For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan of action and no game plan. That’s weird to me as I have always had a plan for my life. Well there is a first time for everything. -Right? This is me being open for new things and changes that might be very uncomfortable but necessary.

Have you ever been so driven that the rest of reality has just disappeared?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned through the abuse I endured and every situation that has made me grow. During that period I was a victim as I did not understand why I had to endure such pain through my childhood and during my life’s journey.

When does one person decide to let go of the anger, hurt and shame?

When they are sick of it controlling them? or
Their tired of feeling a certain way?

I believe the path of why I experienced what I did, is part of a greater purpose in life.

In every situation as you deem “bad” look for the ways in which was “good” “you grew”

WTF!? Look for the good Shhya right! You’re crazy. That’s what I would’ve said but now that much time has passed from my experiences and I understand the art of letting go…. I see things in a different perspective.

We all have games we play with ourselves…. It’s what I call the “Mental Mind Fuck” It clenches onto the thoughts of your desires and cravings.

Who is going to win?

Your desire to change? OR
Your Mental Mind Fuck?

I say look at what you have gained from your experiences. Focus on the good and forget the bad.

Maybe you’ve heard it before…. BUT You can’t change what has already happened but you can certainly get up and keep going.