Before, if I over did it, I would get severely sick. Don't move kinda sick. But now, it's more like... super, super tired! I say that's an improvement. Definitely slowing me down!
My plant teacher helps me eat better, but still barely eating. Definitely no large meals, unless I get the munchies.
Working on Saturday made me realize just how tired I still am. Getting up and down was exhausting, but having the desks there was nice in helping me pull myself up and support myself when needed.
My energy is best in the morning, but as the day goes on, I get more and more tired. It doesn’t help that I have been so busy that I don’t really eat, but on the same note… I am not really that hungry. I feel like, IF I was to be hungry, my stomach would grumble and I WOULD stop to ensure it was taken care of.
This is my opportunity in having self-awareness in remembering to love myself, slow down and to pay attention.
Do not allow things to go back to the way they were!
I was given the opportunity to take all the time I needed to ensure that I was ultimately ready to go back to work. Amazingly still pinching myself, and grateful to have been chosen for this position.
I was very excited to start this new job but scared at the
same time. My energy is still not 100%, it’s barely 50%. The heat drains my
energy like a tipped over glass of water pouring out rapidly and I wasn’t sure
that I could make it a full day.
Honestly, one never goes into a new position because things
are in order and all is well, unless you are the successor of the one who may
be leaving and that is not the case with this job. Which is a-okay as coming in
and fixing things is right in my wheelhouse, which I thoroughly enjoy! Nerve
racking, but nonetheless, love it!
I came into the first day with a plan, and that quickly was
tarnished as I began to discover just how bad things are in the office. As the
days continued, the plan evolved, but was muddled with all the inefficiencies and
inorganization lingering over my office. My only solution was to come into the
office on a day that I could have uninterrupted time to get through all the papers
in the office. I needed things to get organized, right now. So, I planned to
come in on Saturday to make this a reality.
Here’s the caveat, do not allow the new job to get you back
to the hustle and bustle of being busy!
Do not allow the new job to take over your life!
Do not give, give, give without having the balance of
keeping things slow and steady.
Awareness to ensure that I take things slow! -Thank you!
How does a person go from doing, to being? AND what does that even look like? I thought, so I am going to have to change who I am to the core? WTF. How else would I go from doing to being?
So lost, but in allowing that question to unfold, without
taking any action, I soon realized that I don’t have to CHANGE everything about
myself or who I am. I feel that a shift would allow me to still be me, openly
be the change that is needed to be.
I realized that I could slowly do the things that need to be
done without rushing or placing any imagined deadlines upon myself. What a
shift that has made in how I am approaching things.
I am so grateful for allowing myself the time and space when
asking, questioning, and seeking the changes I want to start making.
I am so grateful for the cancer that has MADE me stop in my
tracks. I’d been asking for life to slow down, but never ACTUALLY doing
anything about it, so the universe made that happen for me!
I am stubborn and never really put me first. This experience
has changed my perspective. Thank you for life’s little, sometimes BIG gifts! I
appreciate the renewed awareness of what needs to be.
Sometimes it's easier to do, that to feel.
So if I no longer want to be the super go, go, go girl because that is living life through my masculinity, then how do I do what I love to do. I only want to work in my yard. No, not really, I want to go kayak and get outdoors to play more. It seems all we did/do is work, work, work. A break here and there but not often. Perhaps still doing those things, but slower. Get a bit dirtier because you need to sit. Please... universal laws help me move this into motion. My question requires some clarity in knowing how to live life through femininity and living through soul.
I want to get back to work. Why? I cannot sit at home all day. I feel the day is wasted mostly on mindless TV. -driving me nuts! I can keep myself busy with some things, but nothing super serious, right now. No energy for the gym or basically standing for long period of time, just yet.
Working will help keep me busy, but remembering to have WL balance in not burning out will be vital to my longevity in this company. No self inflicted deadlines. Emotionally connect with the task and take my time to resolve it.
I've been a tomboy all my life. I like it. I like getting down and dirty with things. Not so much a girly girl. Maybe that needs to shift? Not a full swing to the opposite of the pendulum, but living life through being within my femininity. Actually, now that I think of it... It's a dance we do. Not always in one or another, all the time. But living a life in harmony through soul for both!
It is amazing to me that I am continuing to fight with myself. Surrendering to not having the energy to be myself and do the things that I'd like to do. Mostly outside, working in my yard, but nonetheless. Stopped in my tracks!
Does this mean that there must be a "new" me? I must surrender to the old ways of living my life to realigning to the new me? New me? What does that mean? No matter what is happening... I feel the shift happening within my soul and now, more than ever... I am ready for it!
My entire life, I have had to be on survival mode. Yes, that's right... as child to survive my parents neglect & abuse, as a teenager to survive leaving home and make it on my own, and so and so on. I won't get into that as that is not what I want to talk about. For me, that meant... always living my life through the masculinity and staying tough to survive. Not feeling like a victim of it, just recognizing the necessity of not living my life through my femininity.
Just recently, even though I've have had discussions before with Brian... he reminded me again that... My entire life, I've lived through my masculinity, but the conscious shift has organically been happening within my soul in shifting to living my life through femininity. I don't understand what that feels like or what that even means.
During my last session, I asked Brian. He helped my understand that masculinity is doing and femininity is feeling. What an ah ha moment!!!
Over the past few years, I have been feeling the shift of doing things that "feel" good vs just being a good soldier and do what I'm told without challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm still "doing", but definitely feeling has been more in the forefront of all my decisions.
So grateful for the teachers in my life and the openness in allowing the messages to be received. Thank you!
Weeks leading up to my cancer treatment, my doctors advised that I needed to stop all my vitamins. It was described as the best policy to ensure that the cancer treatment would be the only thing running through my body with no interference. Okay, trusting the doctors to know best. I followed their instructions.
A week into treatment, my hot flashes returned and they were fierce. I was able to get permission to start taking the herbs for those symptoms. Thank goodness! I was miserable!
Here we are, post cancer treatment. My flora is so messed up, along with my anemia! I am so happy that this is week one of getting back on my vitamins and getting back on a probiotic to get my body back in balance. Thank you for the cancer treatment in ridding the toxic parts that need to be evicted, but so grateful that, things are now in my rear view. I am so happy to be feeling like I am turning the corner in my health.
Super focused on health and cannot wait to get back to the gym! I am SOOOOO ready, but my body is not. Not yet, but when I am... watch out, I am coming back hard. Not killing myself, but definitely challenging myself in order to build the muscle back.
