Educated

When Fred was around, I was learning a lot about my body; spending more time with butt hole than I ever dreamed that I would be doing. Good to be in touch with my body!

I have been spending time in getting to better understand more about this cancer and have come to the realization that my prior thoughts have SOME truth in them. 

The urgency from the doctor to start treatment right away is finally understood. My cancer is on the borderline of not being receptive to treatment. In perspective... the human anal canal is roughly 4cm in length. My cancer is 3.5-4cm in length and 2cm wide. Which for that area, is really big. If I do not eliminate this cancer, then I am at risk of having to have a colostomy and wearing a ostomy bag for the rest of my life. -That is scary to me. 

Chemotherapy and radiation goes so far against my belief ! Scary! Not just the drugs and the side effects, but the vicious cycle I may be at risk for, not to mention the weakened immune system from the treatment. The unknowns here, are hard to swallow. I guess there will be a new normal, temporary normal, but amazing how this roller coaster of life has continued to forge forward. 

I am learning some, but not purposely learning about the other parts. I figure, I MUST trust the experts and just focus on me and my well being. 

Cheers to joy and healing!

  

It's been nice!

Last year, August... I was productively planting out in my yard. I had the kids and my mom here to help.  I felt as if I was racing so the plants could have time to grow. Also, the last phase of the grass needed to be hydroseeded. In the end, by the time fall arrived... I (we) got it done. Happily a labor of love!

This year has been a bit different. I wanted to get out in the yard to weed, but either I was too exhausted after work. I could have since I'm usually home by 4pm... but didn't. Or it rained on the weekends. Theeeen... I wanted to actually get out there but Fred had become worse and very painful, so that stopped me in my tracks. 

So after my surgery to evict Fred, I had almost a week of not doing anything. That was challenging for me as I am not the person to just sit and be. Couldn't pick up a book for the life of me and was SO sick of TV. OMG!!!

So this last weekend was nice! I have finally been able to get out into my yard to weed the over sprayed hydroseeded grass out of the lilies I planted. Boy are there a TON of weeds and even more grass from where they over sprayed the hydroseed from planting the grass last year. But the silver lining is that the grass is a one and done things. It'll be much easier to maintain, once it's all done. 

So grateful for getting my butt outside to clean up the yard. This is one laborious task that I can do all day long with no complaints. 

Curverballs. How do you deal with them?

You have a plan in life… and then BOOM! - that just happened!

Not going to change anything right now. I want to restore activities back into my lifestyle, now that Fred is gone. It’s best for me to just wait until I have more answers in June, after I get the PET scan results and discuss treatment options. Definitely in my thoughts!

I am going to keep working for now. I am in tune with how I am going to connect to this… cancerous spot on my body and learn to live with it for the next 90 days. I am going to make a few changes like

Cut back M 1x a day. Test until my poops are more solid, now that Fred is gone. I can mix up my diet with more leafy, cruciferous veggies, less dairy, oil, meat. I need to take an inventory of the food in my home to start cooking out my pantry and freezer. One day at a time. I return to work on the 19th, so I am going to slowly do things. I'd like to bring some structure/planning on eating the excess things I have in my diet right now.  - Excited that my mom will be here. She can totally cook dinners.

Keep Melissa to help clean the house. Don't want mom to do anything while she is here. Okay, maybe cook. I could use some KOREAN food, yes, please! So that means... Shop for groceries; day she arrives or weekend? 

Change up work schedule... Get to work at 7am after gym. On Friday  the 19th... the gym/work routine starts. Don’t have to kill it, but 45 min and some HIIT, slow rowing (Sitting right now may not be advisable, maybe in 6 weeks) but... definitely squats. I read that deep pelvic squats are good for women in strengthening their pelvic floor, So why not incorporate into my weekly workout routine.

Send Cheryl records since she is a close family friend who is in the field. I totally trust her opinion. 

Work until 3pm, Some days 2:30pm and the traffic on 26 is NUTS! --Take the other onramp on 26 to 40 directly. Stress level on 26 route is a bit stressful and isn't moving very fast, at all! Time to change it up!

Blogging out loud; unfiltered for my benefit as I use this blog as a tool in structuring the changes required in living heathier and future reference to see my growth over the years. 

Thank you!

And the results are in!

You hear about it, but many times it’s just out there happening to others... sometimes, it’s close to home. No one ever really feels that their going to get Cancer, but when you get the news, it’s… WOW!  - OMG, what did you say? I have Cancer. 

I just found out that the biopsy results show that I have squamous cell carcinoma. Anal Cancer. WTF! Our bodies are made up of squamous cells… They multiply, but when one area multiplies faster that normal, it develops into a cancerous area. (Still discovering WTF this is) Either way... it just happens. There are some leading causes and I can say that I am guilty of some of the things that are on that list, but that was SOOOOO long ago. Like 20+ years ago, but… life does have a way of catching up to you. Fore sure!

I just got the news yesterday and it hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m definitely still processing. Very emotional right now!!! I have zero family history of Cancer in my entire family. My mom had thyroid cancer, but her doctor’s told her it was job related. Who knows how true that is, but she did work with radiation in her career at Pearl Harbor; so maybe that’s true. Who really knows!

I was emotional yesterday. I called and talked to all the important people in my life about this, especially my kids. I don’t know much right now as further testing is needed first but after processing things thus far… I have made some decisions as of right now.

First is… as unhappy as I was because of Fred, he gave me the gift of discovering that he was the surface of something greater. I still had to evict him since he hasn't left in 8 months and he is kind of a pain in my ass; but if it wasn’t for Fred, I wouldn’t have discovered the Cancer. The underlying issue of why I had surgery in the first place is still there, but at least I have answers now. Some, but even more questions. Ugh… and so it’s the gift that keeps giving!

It feels like it has been FOREVER that I have been making ass jokes about my Fred situation, but all jokes aside. Thank you, Fred, for showing up to reveal that you were just a warning sign to something greater. Glad you’re gone, but thank you!

Successfully evicted Fred!

Wow when I had a partial hysterectomy, that post operative recovery was nothing like this. That one was a breeze in comparison.

This surgery, fuuuuuuck it hurts so bad! While I was in the recovery room, drinking a shit ton of water so I can prove that I could pee. Because you have to urinate before you can leave the hospital, why? Not a doctor to know, and I’m sure someone along the way has explained why, but all I heard was… you have to pee before you can leave. I started drinking hot water as I was shivering cold, but I didn’t care… drinking a ton of water so that I could pee and get outta here!!

But, let me tell you… the pain was excruciating!

It has been one week since the surgery and yesterday was the first day I could actually get up and around my house for more than a minute. Tired in the afternoon, but feeling a sense of normalcy being restored.

Good news… Fred is gone. Yes, bye bye!

Good news… Bad news… while I was being operated on, Dr. Z found out that I didn’t have anal fissure after all and the lateral inner sphincterotomy was not needed, BUUUUUT she found a silver dollar size wound in there, that has been biopsied. It could be Crohn’s Disease, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Cancer, among other things that she list off while we talked post operatively. It also could be an infection. Until the biopsy results come in… we are playing the waiting game.

So naturally I started to google the options of what it COULD be and discovered that I do not have those symptoms. Good news! It’s probably just an infection and antibiotics would solve that. 100% give me a yeast infection, but with a little Diflucan… no problem. One and done!

It still hurts as I have a bowel movement, and roughly 25 minutes or so afterwards, but once I start antibiotics, this too shall pass! I am so close!

So that's happening!

I did all I could do with Fred, but after Monday’s appointment with the surgeon, which BTW… this was the first time anyone could get a digital device in there to view what it looked like. Obstructed view, but a bit of progress. 

Honestly, it doesn't help that my surgeon is going into a induced labor on May 9th, but if Fred gets any worse or anything else comes up while she is on maternity leave... I will have to start all over with another surgeon. I really like Dr. Z and felt that I wasn't caving due to timing. I gave Fred everything I had since October, and it's now May. It's time for my unwelcomed guest to leave AND I guess forcefully it is. Ugh, I tried! --Bottom line, after really talking it through with Dr. Z, I decided I needed to stop fighting this and just get surgery. So, on Thursday morning, mama’s gonna get a new asshole and Fred will be gone. 

Scared as hell. Not of the pre-operative or operation, but the post op. After all, you need your asshole to poop and it's not like you can stop your bodily functions, nor would you want to. OMG I'm terrified of how bad that will hurt. But it is, what it is and there will be relief in the end. So, cheers to a successful operation!

I don't wanna!

For so many months, I have dealt with what I thought were my hemorrhoids, but after seeing the doc and now the surgeon, it has been determined that it is an anal fissure. What the heck is an anal fissure? AND how the hell did this happen?

Turns out that the hemorrhoids may have been the start of this issue, but it gradually became worse and morphed into an anal fissure; she thinks. She actually has not been able to get in there to properly examine the severity of things. Anal fissures can be caused by a handful of things, but at this point, it would be hard to determine.

It was so bad that the pain was excruciating and almost unbearable. It didn't help that I needed to work full days, but grateful that I have a stand up desk to help alternate sitting with a heating pad to standing with my legs spread apart. 

Allow me take a few steps back and say that for months now, I have been working on some deep emotional injuries, trauma... maybe ancestral stuff? Not sure, but I haven't felt like myself for such a long time now, that I cannot even remember how far back it goes. I do know that over the past week, I finally felt a strong shift. I finally felt as if I was getting back to myself again. Emotionally always in bliss. Super happy about everything and loving life. Coincidentally my anal fissure has been decreasing and starting to heal. I feel strongly that this anal fissure and the emotional stuff that I've been going through is connected. What this is, I don't know, but the lesson of slowing down and being more in tune is definitely in my awareness.

Last week after meeting with the surgeon, it was decided the best course of actions was to move forward with surgery. The topical cream that I was prescribed was not working and I could not just sit back and keep relaxing, waiting for this to heal. So I scheduled the surgery for next Tuesday.

Weird thing happened, that night my anal fissure "Fred" reduced by 2/3rds and the pain was virtually gone. I'm not sure what happened, but I'll take the win! So what did I do, I rescheduled my surgery for Thursday. This way I can see the doc again on Monday and ABSOLUTELY be sure that surgery is needed. I feel like it's not, but I will leave that to the doctor.

Until then, I will keep continuing to do the deep tissue energetic work that Genius Frequency has enabled me to hone in on and trust that Monday's appointment with the surgeon will be whatever it is supposed to be. I don't wanna have surgery, but have made the decision that I will accept whatever it has to be. 

Feeling SO much better today

Being Bipolar has been fun! I refuse to take medication. I have learned what I need to do, in order to keep things under control. Structure and organization is the key for me! Learning how to deal with all the ups and downs has been a fun roller coaster ride, but I am so grateful for Network care in revealing the "Kim" way! -Thank you!!

Today is the first day, in many that I feel like I am starting to feel better! Finally!

Fred is on the mend. I'm so happy that progress has been prevalent. Happily grateful that after all the attention he has been receiving, he is finally complying with my intentions. 

I just wanted to say thank you to the universe. Thank you for revealing the lessons needed in order for me to make the necessary changes in my life. I will comply with the slowing down of things even after Fred has healed. Resistant to change, yes! BUT after this... I hear you loud and clear! 

Thank you for the sun in showing me "how bad" I really WANT to be outside and the immediate challenges that has stopped me from doing so. I guess as my mom would say... I too learn the hard way. 

So happy today, so feeling myself again. Wholesomely!

Cheers to life lessons!

Feeling kinda blah

When I was thinking about what is on my mind today, all I got was blah. Don’t feel like doing much of anything lately. I do not like this feeling, but it makes me wonder why I am feeling this way.

For days now, it just feels as if I am wondering in my body as well as my mind. Puttering. Why no motivation? That is not like me at all.

I want to blame Fred; he is certainly not helping. I am trying to continue to take it easy and not aggravate him in any way; I want him to heal! I feel that he is the deep rooted reason why I feel lack of any motivation. I want to get into my yard and weed, dig and plant. I want to get into the areas of my yard that definitely appear to be growing with a plethora of weeds. I want to get outside and be with nature. I want to be outside “doing” something.

Trying to have patience, but it is starting to run short as I don’t like the way I’ve been feeling.

To the powers of the universe, please heal Fred and allow me to go back to resuming my daily activities, including the gym. I miss it and need those things in my life to keep balance

Fred and the awareness surrounding his visit

In the beginning, I thought this was just a flare up, and that I could, with the right attention… heal it. Besides, I don’t have any issues as this is only the 2nd time I can remember ever having to deal with it.

If you’re wondering what “it”… It is my internal hemorrhoids. Not only did I get the gift of a (no drugs) natural birth to my youngest kiddo in 1996, but I was also given the gift of hemorrhoids. Thank you?

I cannot ever remember having this big of a flair up. Trust me, it would be as memorable as this current experience has been. I feel that I can attribute this to my eating lifestyle. I’ve always ate wholesome and as natural as possible. Maybe not so much while I was in my 20’s, but that certainly changed in 2007 when I learned more about food, food additives and FDA standards. It will shock you to know what acceptable standards allowable in our foods. OMG, but that is a different story. 

I cannot remember when this started, but I know that I separated from my job at the law firm in the first week of August. I know that I had some cream on hand from my competition days. Side note, believe it or not hemorrhoid cream is very helpful when you tear your calluses off. It helps with the swelling!  I can see that I ordered some stuff on 9/12. So, I feel it’s safe to say that it started around the 1st of September. I was taking baths, using ice, heating pads, herbal supplements, a holistic ointment as well rotating other topical creams and suppositories. Nope, weeks and months went by with no “real” progress. I could get things unwound, but no matter what I did. It was still there and was quite uncomfortably painful. I thought I could heal this on my own, but I finally broke down and saw a doctor in March, who then referred me to a surgeon. It was so swollen that even she couldn’t see or diagnose it, but the suspicion is that it is an anal fissure. It may have started as a hemorrhoid, but now it’s something else. In light of this experience, I feel that this has been with me for so long that I have named him Fred. Not funny, but he is my unwanted guest who has worn out his welcome! I’m ready for him to leave as my daily life has been affected, big time! Not to mention, I have spent far too much time with that part of my body, then I ever imagined I would. I asked my husband if he is jealous of Fred since I have been spending so much time with him. Just joking!

The surgeon mentioned surgery, but I am so against any kind of surgery. I know there has to be another way. Maybe not the quick, easy fix, but nonetheless, I refuse to cut things out of my body… unless I HAVE to. So she prescribed a compound cream which has Fred almost gone. Still there, but shrinking, finally! I thought I was in pain before, until the healing started. I now realize that this pain is much worse! OMG!!!!

I know now that there is a reason that he has been sticking around this long. Showing me “awareness of” something? Maybe heal, not show? My take away is this. As I have spent time with Fred, there has been some emotional experiences surrounding the healing that has happened with Fred. Deep feelings of tears, some laughter, but mostly a lot of crying. Maybe this is my emotional stuff that was buried deep down there. Maybe it’s ancestral healing? I don’t know, but I have learned that I need to revert back to my healthy lifestyle with food.

Since my husband has come into my life, my lifestyle has changed. Cable TV, fast food and “some” processed foods have found their way in my diet. I will take accountability for allowing that to sneak in, but that is now changing in light of this situation. Maybe it could be a combination of a few things. Age could be an attributor too. 

This experience has shown me a valuable lesson. It’s clear to me, that changes need to be made. 

Cheers to awareness and the lessons that are brought forth by the natural order. I appreciate the eye opening experience. It will definitely allow me to think twice about what I am feeding my body. 

Worst critic

I know I’m my worst critic, but loving my body is challenging for me. I feel that I am not fit enough. So change it! Fred needs to go away. He has over stayed his welcome. I’m ready to get back to the gym to get fit. -Get back to it. It's been 4 months, now! Spin, Swim or Gym. 1 of something every day! Time to shake it up.

I feel chunky, not lov’n this present space, body, right now! Nope, instead, I feel fat, chunky and not pretty. My hair is almost there, so close; a little longer in the back. Cut of 18" in trying to get back to a shorter haircut, but it has been one bad haircut after another. I finally have someone who is listening to what I want. 

Don’t have to go to the gym to workout. Probably could swim though. Sauna for sure. Just need to maintain this "easy" pace until Fred is gone and then I will slowly slip back into the gym lifestyle again. I SOOOOOO miss it!

Why do I feel so connected when I am with my plant teacher?

It’s like my body is channeling the energy through my body on a higher connected level. It feels good to stretch, laugh and go with the flow of where it wants to move. However, I cannot explain it. Some would look at me is if I was “out there” Maybe I am. Maybe I want to be. But only when I’m with my plant teacher. I don’t understand. I want too!

Where am I in life right now? I feel as if I am floating, dealing with Fred and accepting that I need to take it easy. There are a lot of feelings coming through as I work with him.

I thought I was done blogging, but it seems as if it was a break. Just like counseling. You go, go and go, then take a break. I guess that is the flow of things. Never really gone. Like Spirit.

Where am I really? Time to check in.

I have a job that is a-a-lri-i-ight. I don’t really like my boss. He is a little dick-ish in how he communicates. My first “write-up” on my employment record. Pissed me off, actually! But I figure, if he wants that much control, then I will never do anything without his direction first. It’s hard for me not to take initiative, but that’s my new role here at this job. I thought I was a control freak, but being given taste of that directly is eye opening for me. Those who want control, have the most stuff to manage; stress. Letting go is a gift of trusting others. Capable people who can help, collectively as a team. So I just come in and do my job, well!

I want to get out into my yard, but Fred is still here and I feel that resting my body is what is needed until he is completely healed. As I am spending time with Fred, I am discovering parts of myself that are start to show up. Tingling, sharp nerve sensation in showing me that this is a deeper connection that is coming to light. Today as I explored my body, I had an initiation surrounded by tears and a little screaming. Fred is throwing me off of my game. Actually, let's give him some credit. --Fred is revealing more about what is happening, at a deeper level.

Thank you!