Disconnected

Something has changed. I can feel it. I feel that disconnecting from GF will be the start. 

I need this job to calm down so I can have more time for myself. I cannot hold on much longer as my discontent is not sitting well. I need to shift my focus, activities and take action TOWARDS that change. 

Do the things I love to do. Maybe enjoy with a smile. Not sure what all those are, but I have a list already started in my mind. I will transition my free time, create more free time to get personally more invested. Too old for this shit! Come, ooon!

Why did I do that?

I allowed myself to have a long period; lapse in judgement of bending the real truth of the matter. Yet, the real honesty of that statement is… I allowed it! I am in charge of my actions. I am in charge of knowing how to say no and stop myself from doing something that I wholeheartedly know is bad for me. Yet I did it any ways. I vow to no longer partake in that behavior, not only in a mind, body, and soul decision, but mainly because it goes against my principles and I felt so guilty after the fact. I felt so out of control and yet I wanted more. That’s the thing about addiction… it grabs ahold of you and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, or your beliefs. I am in control! I am BACK in control and I have taken a vow to never, ever let that lapse in judgement happen again. Goes to show that even 20 years ago when I first made that vow… anything can happen if you allow it. Here I am again. Fuck that! Fuck you for allowing that to happen again. Not just once, but for an entire year! OMG WTF… Okay pity party is over!

Thank you for the recognition of the awareness in knowing that you are in charge… yes YOU are in charge. Refuel, and continue to look forward in loving your mind, body, and soul!

In order to get up, we must fall down.

Remember to have faith in ourselves and glance back and see how much you have grown. Reflection is essential in growing and becoming stronger within in your own power.

Understanding that victimization is not the answer; everything that is happening, is all part of the path that we must be on in order to grow. 

After having a deep conversation with a friend, I am so thankful that he has gratefully succumbed to this path of understanding. 

There is a fundamental human need for companionship, for a sympathetic ear, for reassurance, for hearing our feelings and sentiments echoed back, for touching and being touched.

Being alone is sensory deprivation, slow torture, and our souls cry out for a kindred spirit, for the comfort that only a friend can give, for someone who can fill the emptiness, who can share the isolated moments of our existence.

Loneliness weakens the spirit. It consumes our strength and dims our inner flame and power. It tempts us to wallow in self pity, to descend into a kind of gloomy rapture, depressed and paralyzed, yet at the same time glorifying in our misery, suffering proudly in our own private hell. 

For all that, loneliness is a state of mind, a sickness of the soul rather than an external condition, and it is entirely within our power to fight it, and perhaps work towards healing it.

Resisting loneliness is more than a matter of “keeping busy” -immersing yourself in so many activities that you have no time to reflect on your sad state. It involves following your interests, improving your skills, developing yourself as a multifaceted individual. It means going out and meeting people, making contacts, learning to survive in a social context; get out of your comfort zone! It means living your dream. Not at some future time when you might be finally in a relationship, but here and now!

Aloneness is a riddle we must solve in order to be worthy of the compassion of others, and therein lies the central paradox of being alone. –That it can either ennoble, or degrade. 

The essential difference between aloneness and loneliness is the anguish, the acute hunger for the contact that the lonely suffer. 

Could we but consider solitude a necessary journey of discovery, a crisis that may ultimately purify and strengthen us, and then we would emerge from this dark night of soul uplifted and exalted, more fully realized and engaged as a person. Once comfortable in our own company, reconciled to the austere beauty of silence, or privacy of total self-sufficiency, only then can we travel onward and explore the horizons of interaction, of exchange, or binding with our fellow humans.

Challenges

Challenges are placed in our life for many reasons.

Maybe for growing within ourselves or maybe it's to learn patience. -Who knows....?

Today my challenge is building a website. Yep there is definitely a learning curve that goes with that. I'm up for it because it means that I'm learning something new. Have done it before and am willing to do it again but this time it's a bit different. This time it's something I really have the passion for as this website is our story. -Tom and I. So when you get a chance, in a few weeks go to: www.discoveringyourpath.com and sign my guestbook. Let me know you stopped by.

I love my story and I am most proud of my accomplishments. A challenge is something that is fun to me. Hmmm not normal I know but to me it means that I get to expand and grow. The saying goes: If you're not growing then you might as well be dying. I'm a fighter, who is stubborn in the decisions I make for myself. I will fight for what I believe in and strive forward with my passions in life. People are my passion!

I have learned along this journey that there was definitely some dysfunction in my life... OK -I'll admit it... Lots! However, the silver lining in all of this is that it was a challenge to go back and deal with that dysfunction. No one I know really says… YES! I want to go back and dig up those hurts I had. -Right? I know I didn't want that. My spirit was telling me something else though. As life was in flow, those feeling kept coming up and instead of stuffing them back down I for once had the courage and tools to get to the other side. I chose to listen and was open in the timing of the people and the tools that the universe brought forth into my life. Now I can say I live happily ever after. No, that's not the drill here. There are many aspects to this challenge that I have taken on. The triggers that bring up things that I never knew even existed. The emotions that flow for reason I can sometimes never understand. (Yes, I am a cry baby sometimes and the tears just flow) The anger I get towards the people I love and the strength to understand that it has nothing to do with them. These are those challenges I choose to face in my new path. Gratitude is riches and love is something I feel whole heartedly now. Excited for this challenge has already changed my life. I cannot wait to see what's next. So I get on a topic and I just start typing away without knowing what I'm really typing. It just flows free. This is life just a flow of energy that is within ourselves. So the bottom line is that; I am thankful for the challenges in my life.