Shakin things up!

Maybe not until I was in my late 20’s did I start bringing structure into my life. I needed to be, to keep things straight with all that goes on in this busy world of mine! It was how I kept myself sane through all the craziness of running and staying busy all the time. I can still hear people say to me “don’t you ever rest?” My answer, “nope and if you knew the women in my family, you would see where I get it from”

In the past, that has served me well, (it may be age) but I have been recognizing that life has become so busy, too busy that I don’t like it anymore! Not at all! Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I go, go and go, but there are the days where I JUST DON’T WANT TO! Those days are happening more and more often, and I feel a shift happening in my life. What shift? I have no idea, but I can feel that something is changing. Tearing down those beliefs and allowing new ones to unfold.

While I was working, I was busy. Despite leaving my job, still busy. Just a different kind of busy. Labor of love, really! Tiresome, but rewarding work. Lately I haven’t been able to sustain the energy to go to the gym and do yard work/planting. No joke, landscaping is a lotta work! I feel like I’ve just traded one kind of busy for another and feeling guilty for not going to the gym, but also… giving myself permission to just be. It is what I wanted, but I’m so over this year’s planting season.

I realized yesterday that the shift may be good for me and I need to be open about it. Maybe I need to be more fluid with things and my life. Don’t get me wrong, still setting goals and learning more about what brings me joy, but I’m literally tearing down what once was in trying to discover what may be.

Here’s to still staying open despite the bad days and picking myself up and giving myself permission to just be. -Thank you!

Want too but can’t. No, won’t!

It’s been a little bit over a month since I have left my job, and it has been balls to the wall on trying to get the landscaping done for the season. Phase II of the grass is being planted the last week of September, so I have been frantically trying to get these hillside erosion challenges, and flower beds planted and finished with mulch. I have made great progress, but today is the first day, that I officially cannot get myself outside. Want to but am going to give myself permission to just putter today.

Thank you for the time to just be, thank you for the most wonderful husband in forcing me to stay at home, thank you to the universe… thank you, thank you, thank you!

Plant Teacher

Living a life out loud with transparency as I have kept this hidden for decades. Eluding, but leaving room for speculation or one’s own interpretation. I didn’t want it to affect my career. Maybe, it was because I was ashamed of my behavior, maybe it was because it “was” illegal, maybe it was because it goes against everything I work for with my body, maybe, maybe, maybe. The list can go on!

For so many years; actually, decades! I have been struggling with allowing myself permission to smoke flower without guilt. According to society, addicted. Thinking how bad it was, and I needed to quit. So many reasons! -Good reasons!

It all started long ago. I was introduced to it back when I was 19, when my good friend, who I will not name for her privacy. Tried it once and hated it! OMG hated it. But when my second husband (friend at the time) re-introduced it to me when I was 20, it stuck as a habit. Comes and goes, but I can still remember the day as if it happened yesterday. There I was at his friend Chris’s mom’s house. Standing there in her living room, staring out the big picture window after just smoking some flower. I remember thinking… what is so great about this? Still made me feel anxious and unsettled; still didn’t like it. I continued to smoke it “socially”. Not sure why, but eventually the anxiety dissipated, and it became a habit.

For many years I have been trying to quit. Determined to quit: throwing/giving away all my paraphernalia to again repurchase it. Nothing long lasting. Until I started network care. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled with starting and stopping for another decade, but it was different. There were times and just a few years ago where I hadn’t smoked for over a year. No cravings. Then something would happen… stress from work, and I would start back up again. I realized that I was utilizing this habit as a crutch, coping mechanism to “get through” something. When you are armed with the knowledge it brings power into the light of a situation. For me anyways!

In all my years of consuming flower (not proud or bragging), I have come to understand the different strains and how they affect you. So, I choose to only partake in a certain strain; indica. Indica, relaxes you. Sativa energizes you. But for me… I am energized with Indica, and Sativa makes me anxious. Again, knowledge is power.

So, this brings me too today. I have been wondering why it is when I am high, I am different. I feel more creative, more connected to my body, more focused, less of a filter and less reserved. Of course, I don’t know how to begin to start the process of understanding that, so I connected with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency to explore this.

Recently, I scheduled a one and one session with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency, and I learned a lot!

• First off, change my frequency. Think of it as a plant teacher. This will shift my relationship and perception. 
• Think of it as my plant medicine; a natural value/enhancement
• Start asking the questions: 
• Why am I motivated when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why do I feel more connected to my body when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more creative when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more focused when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why is everything so different when I am with my plant teacher?

So shall it be. Not only am I thankful for Brian and his wisdom, but I am also thankful for his transparency and the gifts he is sharing. Discovery and Transformation into the deeper parts of me. The soul satisfying itch that continues to bubble to the surface.

Sending out my heart and souls desire in asking the question and exploring more into the discovery of those deeper parts of myself. Yay to me and thank you to the universe for bringing this into my reality! I’m ready to take that deeper dive! -Bring it!

Real me?

When I smoke a little flower, things change for me. I become super critical of me.

My awareness shows me that I am 2 different people when I’m smoking, or I’m not. What parts are real? Is my mind on warp speed? Can be. When I really don’t want to do something, or I have less energy. I can just have a quick smoke and, I’m off and gassed up as J would say. I can lite a fire to motivate myself to keep going.

I have an ideation of who I am, and what I look like. I’m not living that truth right now and sometimes; I just find myself not where I want to be. Making decision that I am not happy with, like… chocolate, junk food, fast food, soda. That is not how I want to feed my body! Where is my self-control?

I want to be working outside, digging my hands in the dirt and designing a beautiful, landscaped home!

Making plans for my future self! Just go, be! Be me to have the freedom to discover what that is. The question is who am I? What does that look like? -Perception, creativeness, discovery, stretching, unwinding and... I'm open!

Contrast to C-L-A-R-I-T-Y

 As I heard myself complaining today, I thought… change my record. So, let’s talk about some real contrast.

I choose healthy choices to feed my body

Right now, I eat like shit. Total shit! Red meat more than I’d like. Want vegetables to be my main entrée again. Stop eating fast food, eating out, refined sugar and cut down on sugar altogether!

I choose to expand myself athletically everyday whether that is swimming, spinning, working out or doing some yoga or stretching, hell yard work counts, for sure!

I’m not happy how my body looks. J says I’m getting older, but I don’t want that to be my excuse. I want to be slim and toned, fit! -I'm so close; just need to keep grinding away.

Those 2 things are in correlation with each other. Change my record, change my mindset. I need to eliminate some responsibilities first! Starting with my job! Then make some changes in my schedule.

Lost or Found

Am I lost? 

Am I found? -Feeling like it’s been a challenge for me to accept my decision to resign from my Controller position without a plan. It’s taken me a hot minute for me to come to terms with my decision. Have I accepted it?

Earlier blog that never was posted and just in looking back at this progress. Totally flipped that switch!

Feeling like it can be over soon enough! I’m mentally so not connected to my job anymore. I want to be DONE! So yeah, totally accepted the fact that I’ve resigned! Taking a break. Excited to see what is next for me on this enlightening path to self-discovery. Where am I going. Just enjoying every moment, just doing, me!

Cheers to progress!

Unraveling

I have so many thoughts, and as each day passes, I feel as if I am unraveling more and more, becoming more emotional. Starting to lose it! Emotionally, and mentally! I feel physically on auto pilot, just pushing through the motions, but allowing myself permission to allow these emotions to come through.

Negative thoughts of myself and the perception of who I am… I am starting to question every part of it! Every part of me. My past, my actions, hell, my future, my emotions, and self-doubt. Of course, I understand that I am my worst critic and I continually beat myself up over, nothing. Self bullshit! What is happening to me? Why are these feelings getting stronger and stronger? As I write these words, tears are filling my eyes! I feel as if “something” is starting to surface. Perhaps it is as Brian states. Ancestorial baggage? Realization that I, myself am not being true to my core. I too realize that I am still wearing a mask. Not all the time but am starting to understand that the true essence of who I am is bubbling through.

Let’s be real about my career choice. I understand that I make a great Controller in the right environment. I am a control freak! Yes, I’ll admit it. As I say that though, I realize, that over the course of the past few years… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hate Accounting and I just don’t think I want to do it anymore! I can be mean at times. I can be selfish at times. Some, most days… I don’t care about others! Where is the humanity in that? Conditioning of the trauma I endured in always on the lookout for my best interest. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want to act. I want to change. I need to make that change, for me! How, and in what way? These are all great questions. Questions that I feel that my deepest thoughts and vibrational energy is shining through to my core. My soul is bubbling through, and it is starting to, maybe has been resonating through, and NOW, finally… I think that the timing is arriving for me to start making those changes.

I am ready! Bring it on. Make me cry. Make me be real. Help me in allowing myself to transition through, whatever this is! I am ready!

I am all over the place, and I feel that allowing myself to be real, and expressing it out loud will allow me the space to feel safe enough to FINALLY express myself without a filter. Whole heartedly!

Cheers to change in all the uncomfortable emotions, feelings and crap that comes with it as I go through, whatever this is. Bring it on! I will conquer this and shine through on the other side as a renewed sense of self and energy.

What should I be doing?

How many times have you asked yourself that question? If you are anything like me, it has come up time and time again. Proof positive that I am not doing something that is soul satisfying in springing myself outta bed every day! -But what should I be doing?

For so many years, and it feels like a lifetime ago.  I have been doing what is self-satisfying, or what satisfies my parents to be proud of my success. Not ideal, not even close!

I’m sure I’ve blogged about this numerous times, and here I am again! -I am feeling so lost right now.

Do I stay in accounting? My gut says no! But I went to school to get my MBA, countless hours and $$ went into perfecting my craft! -Learning to let that go!

Do I go back to life coaching? Am I really ready for that again? I feel like I’m leaps and bounds away from where I was back in 2008, but almost scared to take that leap of faith.

Here is my trust in the universe that the path in which I am to follow will reveal itself in the right timing.

Damn robo-calls!

WTF, I cannot stand these damn robo-calls! Seriously annoying!

It’ll be quiet for a bit, and then… suddenly, a flood of them for the ENTIRE day!  Oh, you can choose to ignore them. Or like me, I’ll answer, hang-up and block the damn number. Honestly, I probably have pages and pages of blocked numbers. So annoying!

They are getting better and better… they can now leave you messages and fill your inbox. Grrrr, totally thinking about turning off my voicemail as I am so tired of checking my messages to find out that NONE of them are important! Again, so annoying!

Someone needs to do something about this! I will not be the one who does, but here’s putting that energy out there, that SOMEONE will.

FU to whomever invented that idea for marketing!

7 months later

Wow, has it really been 7 months? I am feeling so disconnected right now. Ungrateful mostly. I recognize that the feelings and actions, must change. Haven’t blogged in a long while. It just means that everything has been good!

Lots has happened and I’m still processing, but I recognize that I need to flip the switch. Smoking again; not good. Drinking a little too. Change is rising to the surface of my emotions, though, I can feel it. Feeling like I need to flip that switch. Get serious about certain things in my life. Like food… sweet sugary yumminess. I need to cut down on my sugar. Recognizing some things about myself. Thank you! 😊

I have SO much to be grateful for. Complained that I had to pay taxes on the investments, instead of being grateful that we made that 10 fold. I just started a new Controller role. Things are so good.

Oh, and my favorite part… I’m getting ready to plant like 300 plants in the Spring with my family. That is going to totally change the look of the house. Thank you that the rock was available to mould this property. We are fortunate!

Tomorrow is Friday! Thank you! I am SOOOO ready for the weekend!

Here’s to flipping the switch