Vicious Cyle

I absolutely hate that I am taking drugs for this cancer! Necessary, but still hate it!

I am in week 3 of this 6 week bout with the medicinal & radiation regimen and the vicious cycle has already begun. Chemo pills for the cancer, nausea meds so I can eat. Although, I still am not able to eat a lot of the foods I love. They just make me sick thinking about it, let alone smelling it. Fluconazole for the imbalanced flora and  now a new medicine for the UTI symptoms that are starting to arise. I haven't picked up this prescription, yet... but it is supposed to numb your bladder. OMG. 

Short term, short term, short term... this is what I keep saying to myself, but I HATE IT SOOOOOOOO much! 

Grateful for the modern medicine to eliminate this cancer, but not happy at the present moment. Trying to stay grateful and keep a positive open mind about this process. 

ANGRY!

Sunday I was outside digging up the bee balm from the yard as we are moving it to another part of the yard. As I was digging the new holes, I discovered a few areas that were a bit rocky that required a bigger tool that would cut through the rock. When I got to the last few holes, there was a section that I feel were just pure rock! Nonetheless that didn't stop me from continuing to try to dig the hole. I got through 2 and as I was swinging this tool into the third one, I felt the burning fire of anger, almost rage... go through my body, then tears broke through.

So ANGRY at this CANCER! Why me? Why now? I cannot understand, as I am SOOOOO careful of my body. Truthfully careless in my younger years through my early 30's, but the later part of my life. So picky of the things that I put into my body. Food, no western medicine, but definitely cannot say that I am not guilty of smoking my plant medicine. Not so much anymore as I feel I have outgrown all that, but still I cannot understand why me? How did this happen? No one can answer that question, not even the doctors. They tell me, that I did everything right! Nonetheless, I accept it. Doesn't mean that I cannot feel the anger of this situation. 

Grateful for my  session with Brian today! 

Before my session, I could feel the lining of anger, tears and deep emotions that were at the surface, just awaiting to be released. I couldn't even take a deep breath; trust me I tried too. 

After my incredible session, I could feel that I had moved through the anger in acceptance and the emotional tears were falling down my face at many moments throughout the remainder of the day. Thankful for the emotional tears. I will accept my situation with the loving grace of my soul in knowing that the gifts from this situation will be presented at the right time. Maybe the gift of slowing down. Maybe the gift of learning to trust others in my care. Maybe the gift of ???? --I just don't know, but... Thank you! 

Still trusting the process and giving up the control to the greater powers above that clearly have a plan for me! I will remain open to allowing these gifts to be received with an open heart.-Thank you!

Realization to slow to down

So this weekend I worked out in the yard, weeding the hedges. OMG, there was so many weeds! But in all fairness, it hadn't been weeded all year long and was in pretty bad shape. Good news is that it's done. With my mother's help, of course! But teamwork makes the dream work. So thankful for her being here!

I realize that in the prior months, I was able to work out in the yard all day. Break for lunch of course, but still 8-10 hours outside. MMMM labor of love, really! Now, nope... maybe 3 hours tops and I'm wiped.

This Cancer is forcing me to slow down and not do as much. Not really liking this, but FOR YEARS... I've been saying and blogging about how I need to slow down. Whoa, proof that the universe DOES work in it's own timing and grant the things that are in your purview. Thank you to law of attraction for MAKING me slow down. Not the way I would've ever seen it coming into fruition, but it IS forcing me to slow down as I wanted. So, thank you!

Careful what you ask for!

Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!

Day 10 of 30

So grateful for the wisdom of being connected with my own body!

I can remember the days where I was living my life, with disconnection. Seeking outward attention and not loving myself. I would have the illusion of "saying" that I love myself, but I know now, I wasn't truly loving myself! With all honesty, I still have a bit to go as I still am hard on myself about my own body "image", but the connection to my body, now... is amazing! As time passes, the connection becomes deeper and deeper -Thank you!

Here we are at day 10. So grateful for the ability to eat food, having the ability to be gentle with myself and be in love with the healing of this cancer. Finding the balance to what works, has been the key and I am so grateful for this gift in having the ability to see this as a gift. 

So many people that I have spoken with are in shock that I am still working full time, that I am handling these appointments on my own, I am still working out in my yard on the weekends, I am doing me! I don't understand... shall I be a victim of this experience? Honestly, everything is a choice, and I choose to not ALLOW this to change me or sway be into that mentality. Don't get me wrong, I have my lower level days, where shit is not good, but I am a survivor and I will prevail. So with that being said. 

Happy Friday to the day today and here's to week 2, done! -Well, almost... but you get the point. Tomorrow brings a weekend break and a breathe of normalcy for a hot minute. So welcoming, so grateful!

Cheers!

Amazingly Happy

So happy that this week has been a normal week. No nausea. A bit here and there, but not like it was in week one. So far so good. I really want to not take the nausea meds and maybe next week, I will get brave enough to skip taking the meds and see what happens. Honestly, it has been so nice to have a normal schedule and eating habits, that I ALMOST don't want to mess with what is working. Oh and I've gained 5 pounds back. If I am going to lose weight, it needs to be the healthy way. So happy!

My session with Brian on Tuesday was amazing. Definitely a break through of "something" not sure what, and I don't have to know or understand, but grateful for it. My spirit feels different this week. I feel so happy, amazing! So grateful for my health and the people who are showing up to "check-in" on me. 

Honestly, I have been feeling tired in the afternoons, but definitely ensure that I am in bed early and sleeping as much as needed. Thankful to my body for showing me what it needs. Thankful, thankful, thankful. 

Trusting the process and remembering to stay grateful through it all!

Thank you!

So as suspected, I had a great day yesterday after the morning nausea wore off. Of course I took the nausea meds to help that along, but what a day yesterday! I got SOOOOOO much done!

Not only did I finally (not by myself) get all the 18 tons of rock moved, I was able to finish the steps for the trail down below AND I was able to (with Tyler's help) get the driveway fixed from the last winters over flooding of waters that drowned the rocks for the drainage. It looks so much better and I feel that with the revealing of what the water wants to do and what I want... we have found the right balance so we both can be happy! -YAY, and only time will tell until the next big storm comes along, but I'm confident. 

Tyler made such an AMAZING meal for dinner. I ate SO much and was SO, SO, SO happy that I could eat. Meat give's me the hardest time to eat. It is just grossing me out!!!! But I ate a good portion of smoked chicken breast. Yum and thankful to Jason who is an expert with this smoker!

Here's my thought: I have to take these chemo pills, every 12 hours and since last week didn't go so well, I am going to make a shift in this schedule. Oh, and I got permission to get back on the herbs for my menopausal symptoms. Thank goodness! I had finally and that under control for the last year and having those come back... not fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! -So this week, I will try something else.

Get up in the morning as I usually do, and take my herbs with 20oz of water. Eat a light breakfast and then at 6:45am take the nausea medicine and then at 7am take the chemo with another 20oz of water. Let's see how this week goes! But that is the plan. 

Still trusting the process, but finding the balance in everything!

End of week 1

What an eventful week of self discovery!

It was a rough week with all the nausea and self battles of not wanting to take the nausea meds. I caved, but I caved gracefully. Remembering to give myself permission to be comfortable is this experience.

The nausea was so bad! I lost 12 pounds this week and understand that no matter how BAD, I do NOT want to take the meds, it is in my best interest that I do. For my health as the alternative in losing 12 pounds is not good or healthy for me. So, yes I caved in. However... I am still experimenting in trying to find the balance in all of this.

I do not have to take the chemo or go to radiation on the weekends. I get a break! So the plan is that I will be able to find some kind of normalcy for these next two days. I had a bit of nausea this morning, so even though I am not taking the chemo... I am thinking that this is lingering from the week and by this afternoon, I will be okay.  Planning on eating a ton of food this weekend and gaining some of this weight back.

Day 3

OMG this nausea is for real! The thought of food is making me sick. Still refusing to take the nausea medicine as the papaya has been doing okay. Thinking that I will also add in some essential oils. BUT giving myself permission to not torture myself if this gets worse! My body DOES NOT like these meds.

Good news, it doesn't last all day, just a few hours after I take the pills and I get a break on non-radiation days, so Saturdays and Sundays, but OMG it's like being in my first trimester of my pregnancy... all over again!

Yesterday's session was great. For the first time in a hot minute... I felt the crack of sunshine that brought the gratitude through my chest. Like cracking me open with a smile and happiness. Will be continuing my sessions weekly to ensure that I stay grounded and in spirit. ----Still trusting this process, but now understand why people can feel the way they do and feel hopelessness... This is just the beginning, but I know that I will get through this. 

Day 1

From the day I received the news, it has been like nothing has changed for me. Fred is gone, but the underlying symptoms are still there. -I know that IF I don't eat healthy, then I pay the price. So eating healthy has been an important habit that I am SO glad I got YEARS ago! Not to mention drinking a crap ton of water, daily!

On 5/31 I had the port installed, that was weird and having this device sticking out of my chest has been very weird for me, but all in all, everything has been the same. 

Today though has been an emotionally tough day. It is the first day that the cancer drug is being given to me through my port. Cancer drugs! OMG! 1 hour visit and then I'm outta here. I can already feel how high my emotions are and will probably be for sometime. This shit just got real. Cancer "pills" drugs and radiation start tomorrow! 

Thankful for modern medicine, but cannot wait until this is done!

Here's to day 1 and every day afterwards. I will beat this and be okay in the end. I can do this!

Remembering to love life and trusting the process through all these emotions! -Thank you for the awareness.

Accepting things!

When I was given the news that I had cancer, I thought... nothing actually! I made phone calls, lots of calls... actually. But after everything settled down... I thought I would be able to beat this naturally and I wasn't worried at all. So like anyone in my situation, I went straight to google and started to research, research and research! I asked questions and tried to figure it out. 

After understanding that this cancer is something different than the usual cancer, like breast cancer, I came to realize that squamous cell carcinoma is a whole different ball game and had to be treated differently. Now knowing what I know, I have accepted that this cancer is, what it is and that, I will not be-able to go the natural route. 

You think in life that you do everything right, eat healthy (mostly) and live right.... and with no family history, it wouldn't be something that you see in your lifetime. Nope, there is no discrimination!

Needless to say, I have given myself permission to not be strong in the numerous needle pokes for blood work and to make this as easy as possible. Accepting this hasn't been an easy decision, but allowing myself to just be in the moment, is the gift within itself. Taking things day by day. Trusting the process and remembering to love myself in whatever the situation.