Space in the brain

I don't know how to explain it. It's just gone.

My mind was a space of confused mind fuck and sometimes it took over. Yes I allowed it... I know but inevitably, I felt as if I was losing to my own mind. (CRAZY) Sometimes it drove me crazy with it's desire to "have to" figure it out. -Exhausting actually

Ahhhh the gate; Peace! Thank you to Sandy for introducing Network care into my world. I love you forever and ever as my life partner.

There is now a gap in my mind; only the outer edge of the surface feel as if they are analytical.

-My mind at ease with peacefulness. Ahhh!

Good music, good connection and good experience! Can't wait til the next gate in Denver. I'm already there in spirit.

Over analyzing again!

Sometimes I find my mind running. -Running with thoughts that drift; drift into deeper more analytical mind fuck. Yes, I cursed. That is just the perfect word for it too! -A sort of mental craziness per say. A record that plays in your mind... well at least I'll share what it feels like for me... Anyways~ It plays the same thought, the same doubt, and the same record of beliefs in which we have... over and over again..... and for me I'm questioning those.... What is healthy vs. unhealthy 4 me? Why not tell yourself something different and change it? Find your contrast and use it to guide you, to clarity. No matter what is going on in our lives.... REMEMBER there is polarity, and you can only find what you seek.

Time can fly -Eh?

There's just nothing to say when things are running so smoothly.... It's been a nice change of pace.

However, after this weekends trip to the island.... I noticed that I want to slow things down a bit. Maybe, after the first of the year, things will be off my plate to make life a bit more simplified. :-)

Up earlier than usual and I was just taking the time to notice that life just feels good.

Got teenager's???

I do; 2 boys & for me... I've learned that life keeps moving forward no matter what happens. I do see problems as an opportunity for a solution & I love life with a grateful heart. The choices we make, determine the path or outcome....

A good friend sent this to me, and I'd love to share with those who might b interested.... If you have a teen, invest in being open to new concepts. I did a long time ago and that is mainly why my boys and I are really close.

Here's the link & the email is below.... http://grownups.heyjosh.com/cmd.php?Clk=3336960

How many of these mistakes can u actually relate with? Or do you get angry by Josh's theory about our mistakes with teenagers? His story is amazing!

Here's what I got.... Outta 5; I've changed 2 of them. -I am so grateful for that awareness. AND -Yeah I am not perfect, and I can still relate to 3 other mistakes. One of those mistakes is a close personal challenge; I'm facing right now. -Mistake #4 Two of them I've become aware of and are in transition of changing. Mistakes 3&5 Some days I feel like a hypocrite and others, well I wish I had a magic wand. I think its funny; the mind frick we listen to within our own minds. -Where we choose to give our personal power. I am fortunate to have a very close relationship with my boys... It's just us and we all understand, that we need to work together if we want our family to work. Were not perfect, and mistakes happen along the way. I asked CJ to read the pdf doc of Josh's Mistakes theory and he shared, that he could agree that these 5 are true and that he can relate with a few of them, right now. Thanks, I'm working on, and I'm so glad to hear that I'm going the right way.. Happy Halloween folks! -------- Original Message -------- Subject: got teens? Alert. From: "Patrick Combs" Date: Wed, October 21, 2009 6:14 am To: "Kim H" Hi Kim, Got Teens? If yes, check out this new release from my friend Josh Shipp. With more than a decade of real-world, hands-on experience working with millions of teens, Josh is one of the most dynamic and entertaining experts for teens I’ve ever seen. (I've been impressed by him for years). Today is the release of his new product. It bottles his magic in an innovative, accessible, life-changing solution for adults and teens to tackle teens’ #1 issue head-on. I highly recommend this product, and you've rarely heard me say that before. I got a sneak peek at the product and let me tell you: this is going to change teens lives like nothing else I’ve seen. Take advantage his expertise, help a teen, and visit his site: http://grownups.heyjosh.com/cmd.php?Clk=3336960 It's a VERY comprehensive program for teens to discover who they really are while giving parents / teachers / mentors the tools to engage teens more effectively and authentically. Sharing Success, Patrick PS - Teens really need to know who they are, so that their self-image isn't defined by others messed up or low opinion. http://grownups.heyjosh.com/cmd.php?Clk=3336960 Good Thinking Co., Inc. 2240 Encinitas Blvd., Ste. D-140 Encinitas, CA 92024 1-858-759-6994 Patrick Combs www.GoodThink.com www.coachedbyPatrick.com Deanna Latson www.GoToHealth.com www.coachedbydeanna.com

Plan all u want BUT dont be attached 2 the outcome

If you would’ve asked me 5 yrs ago where I see myself… I wouldn’t have said… divorced again, and I would’ve never ever thought…-Bankrupt? However, this just happens to be what is going on in my life. Surprise! Something again that I’ve analytically planned out, that did not go as planned. Eh what is credit anyways? Well for me, credit was very important and has been my entire life ever since I left home at 15. This road traveled has not always been easy…. I’m sure like everyone; we all have said that in one time of our lives. I remember being under age and working myself to exhaustion, and being a young single mother made things more of a challenge for me. Oh yes… All my choice…. but back then credit was everything to me. I knew without good credit, I would never be able to buy a house and provide a stable home, or finance anything. But now my view of money and credit is different. My Bankruptcy has been a blessing in disguise really… I’ve lived a very simple life. Happy and very stable in my life mentally, emotionally, and financially but after a whirlwind marriage, that all changed. 4 years later, my husband left without contributing financially for the financial decisions we made together during our marriage. Eight months after he left… I almost ended up hospitalized for my mental instability and I was becoming very unstable to the point of giving up on myself. I was abandoning my children emotionally, -For what? -Pride? MUST be responsible and save my credit? -Money, debt, credit. Thank you for the experience I had with the loss of my husband to know what choices were more important. I felt I was at a crossroads in life. I was left with no choice but to let go of something I held very important. Being analytical has allowed me to get to this point in my life, but now living life day by day and not labeling the outcome or having judgments, allows me to live simpler and gratefully with my eyes open. I’m still learning here, but those lessons through those challenging experiences, have allowed me to become more aware in life and see things in a different perspective. Humbly grateful I am to being present in my own mind, body and spirit.

In Awe

Just recently I went on a road trip to meet and camp with some friends east of the mountains… all that really stands out for me on that trip, was that I enjoyed the drive more so than the weekend itself. It was cold at night over there. -6 degrees cold! Anyway~ on the drive there and back, I was admiring the vivid colors and all that mother earth provides for us. Not long ago those trees were once green but were now turning with the season, and nobody had to do a thing. It’s nature! Nature by definition means: OMG! It had so many meanings, but factually it means that naturally the earth flourishes without human civilization’s help. It really makes me think about GOD and the universe, and amazingly how everything we truly need is provided for us. The earth is so abundant! I am so happy and grateful that I do not allow myself to fall into the trap of socialism, materialism and any other isms for that matter. The ability to be able to slow down and see the simple things in life are very important to me. I do enjoy the nicer things and they would be nice but life is more important to me. I love to feel and love my way through life.

Yes, Thank you...

I feel as if I have moved forward in my life in so many aspects. In my mind, I have chosen to no longer hang onto something so disheartening. I’ve experienced carrying those heavy burdens…. I honor those things but I’m choosing to process through them. I guess for me it would be as if I came to terms… so to speak. I feel as if every day of my life, mostly on the weekdays… I’m busy with something. Running to appointments for the kids, appointments for myself, gym, work and whatever other activities we r in…. Honestly how do I manage this? IDK! But I’m not going to analyze that. Just a bit of gratefulness. For once in my life I am seeing major growth and instead of trying to figure it out and question it… I’m just accepting it and saying thank you. Amazing! I feel empowered as a single mother right now in my life, and even though I have a list of things going on, I feel good in my Mind, Body and Spirit.

Pain...we store that down deep sometimes.

Not every part of this book was tru 4 me, but there were many parts that resonated with my feelings. ~Feelings... yeah something in this book just struck the right chord to swing open a door. Years ago when I read this book, I was given the opportunity to really get in touch with every feeling. The good, and especially the not so good ones too. Those ones were the ones I stuffed as a child. This book was the eye opener for me to wanting to have a deeper understanding of who Kim really is. Long story short.... This book brought me to a new state of awareness of some stuff on the inside of myself. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, and of course but not the least...Spiritually. Spirituality in my Spirit not a religiousness... I believe there is a difference. I feel life is about choices and the better I understand myself... then the better I will be. Thank you to Eliana Gil.... for writing the book OUTGROWING THE PAIN it truly opened Pandora's box for me and I'm so thrilled to discover those hidden parts of myself!

Been 2 loooong!

OMG!

I was just thinking the other day how it has been awhile since I’ve blogged or even journaled…

Yes, life keeps us all busy… Society is busy! -24hr convenience to humanity on this planet… but I’m of the minority, and for me it’s not filtered drama (Media) and what the outside world thinks or cares about. I just am.

Living day by day is the greatest gift and right now there is no direction or decisions that are urgent. I just am.

But at the same time…. Emotionally I feel as if I’m lost within my own thinking. Craziness! -As if everything is out of order. Changing the thinking habits of analytical thinking… uh actually… it’s thinking in general.

Man, do I over think! I over think about just being in the moment… Hmmm what does that mean? What is that supposed to feel like? Why live life filtered through your brain as to what the plan is….. Just be

Through my experience, I learned that it’s about what and how we feel more than what we think it is, and breathing is healing.

Through Rhythms studio I have found a spark of connection and the tools to being this deep journey within. Deep breathes they are good for healing your spine and other areas of our amazing bodies. It definitely has required me to slow down and feel the connection through breath work.

Still feeling like shit as to knowing or having my brain figure it out (the plan) but actually I’m detangling the past and unwinding the spine to that deeper connection.

Thank you to my life partner for bringing Rhythms into my life.

Hmmm Breathe...

Today taking some time out for ME was nice. I'm focusing on focal point breathing. Boy do I have some blockages! Just being in the moment. Breathing ever so quietly and in flow.

Make a wish.

I used to sometimes want to be someplace else….

Wanting to escape to another world….

Many people including myself have felt… If it wasn’t for this or that, I could just have a different life than things would be better, but really it’s that kind of thinking that keeps us in the same state of mind. Really the change had to start from the inside. The feeling has to change on the inside first b4 they can appear on the outside.

Believe to achieve.

Feel not think life. NO live life!

Loneliness

This morning I woke up just feeling a bit blue. Why? Well I thought about that and I believe it’s something that is deep and really stuck in my emotions. Thinking that someone has to be there to hold me and make me feel good. No! This is an inner feeling, not an outside feeling. But what do I do? I go out and partake. Is that to deal with my emotions or to hide them? Wait! I know that! No it’s to cope with them. Yeah I say that I know this, but no matter how much I know it… I still cave in and end up disappointed at myself in the end.

I believe that being alone will allow me to feel the layers of my feelings. Lately I’ve had some mindless thoughts which brought up thoughts that I’ve never had before. Thank you for the openness.

Being “ALONE” well for starters I have a few habits that I know that I’m finally at the point where I’m finished! No more vices. It’s all about oneself, MY personal power.

I no longer need the mind to take over my body. The body I have learned will take over itself if you allow it… I can fix my aches and pains through breath work and working with my nervous system with a practice that’s new to me. It’s called; (NSA) Network System Analysis. It’s amazing and I’m just getting started. I committed myself to start feeling in life and I have the integrity to start taking action on those words and emotions. It’s no longer what I THINK is right, it’s what I FEEL.

In my discoveries I saw that I needed to change the strategies of what I was doing, if I wanted to change the outcome. I took the most important things to me and essentially assigned priority as to the one that was my #1.

I discovered that getting exercise and eating with a healthy lifestyle is the most important to me. Being conscience of what I’m putting into my body.

SO what did I do? I wrote a list of circumstances, thoughts, possibilities of what could get in my way.

I logically understand that I must recognize my patterns and to see what stopped me b4. I will then have the awareness to know what to change.

Now the challenge comes in and to put myself to the test of what I am WILLING to do.

Where thinking gets me sometimes…

I realized the other day that I had not forgiven my estranged husband. I still had hard feelings for the situation I felt that I was forced into. How and why would anyone not communicate about the situation we put ourselves in? I feel that he couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on him as well as the overall situation itself. So he just left without letting me in about what his intentions were.

I’ll admit it; we pushed each others buttons and played TAG! I know that I will be accountable and honestly admit that I did. I had fear of our situation too.

In the beginning I had felt as if I could take on this debt load and without even thinking it through logically, I just went for it and tried to make it work. Selling, fixing and cleaning this mess up that I was left with. I did find some help along the way and those people came into my life to not only help me but to give me those extra learning lessons. -Tough lessons about money.

I feel that I have been living my life in a poverty consciousness because of my memories from my childhood and feeling as if I never have enough. Those thoughts, or shall I say habits? I have been ungrateful for the things I have in my life; instead of being thankful for what I did have. I’m learning that we are taught what we are exposed to. -Right? Were not born with knowing how to do much of anything in our life, we learned those things along the way; everything in life is a learning experience. It’s not anyone’s fault for not teaching u that. Actually it’s the other way around. I’m thankful that I have seen the light and can change it for generations to come.

Maybe the lesson in the next stepping stone for me in this chapter of my life is about money. I know that even with me going bankrupt that it can only get better from here forward and now that I have chosen to NOT care about what happens to Tom, I have opened myself up to healing.

In this life at this moment I am here to learn and discover ME, my power, who I am!

Harboring hate, anger, resentment, rage and revengefulness is poison to my body, and my number one priority in my life is to take care of my body through a healthy lifestyle and being conscience of what choices I make along with what goes into my body in every aspect. -External and Internal.

Awareness is the key and thank you for the clues along the way to assist me in discovering the things that I want in my life.

Realizations Day 8 for me...

My life..... I discovered through self examination that, recently I have been living the life of a victim. But not too long ago, I was that powerful person... and then something major happened and I realized that I was really in my own way. I folded and gave into the shit! I was so busy trying to figure it out that I wasn't doing anything. BUT When I was in my power! I felt on top of the world. That there was nothing that could stand in my way. Eh! but I was missing something. The goal. What did I want. Then after some more self examination I realized I have been living my life in an egotistical perspective and not really living at all. So very humbled in my life and the direction in which I am headed.... I realize that I truly haven't been living my life at ALL. Now with the realization of where I really am.... I understand that I must just set goals and take action. For now I am in transition and just flowing with the flow of life. Soon, life will begin to unfold what it is and where it is that I am supposed to be. BUT really it's.... Right now, this is where I am supposed to be and that's OK. :-)

To the PROCESS of letting go…

WOW!

Who would’ve ever thought that the things we hold onto are sometimes unhealthy for us? I can say that I knew that but really where is that gonna get me? -A sense of pride…? Well PRIDE to me is… needing attention, greedy materialism, people who make mean choices towards others and etc.

I will admit that I have emotional attachments to some things in my life and letting go of these things are often a challenge for me. Listen to the heart? OR listen to the logic?

I’ve put so much hard work and love into these things and this one, was by far the biggest one in my life. Letting go of it, has made me very emotional… I think it’s because that wasn’t the plan…. However I just opened my eyes to the reality, and letting go is what I’ve decided, because it’s in the best interest for all of us. Starting over again… Not where I saw or planned for myself for sure. But I will accept it and make the best out of it.

Hmmmm, more lessons as to how much WE are NOT in control of our lives.

Being true to me…

All my life, I thought that I never deserved happiness or that I would never have it. Yeah a life long battle of mine that I believe came from the dis-attachment due to the abuse and neglect from my parents or maybe the feeling of inadequacies and un-deservedness because of the abuse I endured from my childhood situations and first husband. But through my personal development journey I realized that no matter what kind of past I had, I am in charge of my own future and my thoughts. AND… those thoughts and actions are super powerful with my connection to myself and my world. For the first time in my life, I realized that I am truly happy within myself… Yes finally! But here’s the thing… I always have been powerful. I just focused my thoughts and actions on my circumstances. I am not sure how the transition took place, or when, but it did! I am so happy to see that. Analytically thinking maybe it’s because I am older, maybe it’s because I just don’t care what others think about who I am, or maybe it’s because of the trials that have been in my life that have made me realize that life is precious and every moment in time is a gift. My whole life, I feel that I have allowed my childhood crap, circumstances, and disbeliefs stand in the way of the true me. Yikes that sounds like I am not being accountable but really we all have crap from our past that sometimes trap us into thinking we can’t have that, we don’t deserve that, or maybe that we will never be happy because of whatever situation(s) have happened in our lives. I call bullshit! I have been through so much in my life that I feel that I am very powerful and I have a lot to offer to others, and for only a few years now I have been able to share it. I hope that I can give encouragement to others through my own personal experience. I love who I am! Quite honestly my life is so blessed right now I can’t even begin to describe how ecstatic I am to realize that I am happy and I deserve anything and everything. My challenge for the people I have the opportunity to meet that are NOT happy and struggling is….. Think about who you are, and what makes you happy? -I don’t know is a cop out for the true answers and that is the easy way out. (DIG DEEP)-DO WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE :-) I learned a great perspective from a very wise man that seems to ring true in every situation…. How you do one thing is how you do everything in life. Do you do things half-ass? Do you quit when it gets challenging? Do you blame others? Be accountable for YOUR actions and take pride in who you are. Loving life and all that it has to offer! Love and Light, Kim

Just some quick thoughts

It’s weird… It’s like almost 4am and I feel great!

I went out tonight and danced for a bit but the dance floor was way too crowded. So, I did a lot of people watching… I love that! For me it’s an outside perspective of how we as humans react, dwell, express ourselves with bodily and facial expressions just in having conversations. You can see sadness, just the same as if you saw joy. There is such a diverse amount of personalities and lifestyles that I can watch people for hours. No big topic but I wanted to share something I really enjoy doing.

I realized something tonight that I’m sure I’ve spoken about in the past but it’s time to stop talking and start taking actions… I really need to SLOOOOW down in life. Stop thinking about every possible angle and start allowing things to unfold. I’m so freak’n analytical that sometimes I just get in my own way. Man I’m aware of this, yet it still continues to happen. Changing a lifetime habit will take some perseverance and persistence if I want to make that change.

Ahhh yes more realizations and awareness’s that keep coming forth for me to focus energy in whatever decision I make. Am I surviving and healing or allowing victimization and turmoil?

Everything in life is about choice!

Love and Light!

Kimberli

Figting the MMF

I’m not sure how I feel about you... But right now I’m feeling like I don’t want to be in your environment bc` it’s unhealthy for me. Now I feel as if I need to spend more time alone. Really get in touch with the silence. I have certain priorities that I need to focus on. The silence… Yes, I believe it will help me understand how to slow my mind down and enjoy my life. I’m always trying to plan it, or figure it out. My mind just races to think about shit. Yes that’s what it’s called. I’m tired of my actions being lead by my mind. In ways of an addiction, disorders and mental mind fuck. I’m taking a stand to be stronger. -Stronger than the mental madness.

Staying focused

Remembering to focus on what you want… Not allowing the drama to come in… boy that is a challenge to remind ourselves exactly what drama is. “What deems the title to be something so negative?”

For me it’s… something that detours me from the desired destination. There will always be activities that keep us busy instead of allowing us to stay on track with what we want, therefore not allowing room for any changes to happen.

Yes we have some things in our life that we just do because it’s part of daily living. But so does our sub conscience mind. -Right?

Did you know that our sub conscience mind handles our bodily functions? Heart beating to pump your White and Red blood cells through your body, Digestion, and a filter for the brain… The human brain is our cognitive/conscience mind. The part of the mind that allows us to choose how we use our talents, creativity, action/reaction, decision making and so on…

Today I am reminded of the drama that comes with others. I am reminded that life always has up and downs and for the most part it’s important to choose which thoughts affect you. Hmmm what do I mean? Well…. we all encounter other people everyday and those people directly affect our moods… -IF we allow them too. For example; If you’re in a good mood and you come across a friend who is in a crappy mood and all they do is nag and complain about it. We can then choose to be suckered in and react or we can choose to stay neutral and keep our own power.

No matter what happens in life, know that there is good even in the bad. You just have to find it and keep focused.

Sometimes that is work! BUT without work and determination, nothing will happen for you.

To living and loving through all the situations we encounter in life.

May peace be with you my friends.

Still Learning...

A long time ago I know that I’ve blogged about true happiness coming from the inside. Yeah I blogged it and truthfully I understood the concept but, I never truly understood how to apply it in my life. -A true understanding at a deeper level.

In life there is so much of society, the corporate big guys and politicians that want you to be distracted with materialism, socialism, politics and societies crap. To the point that your so distracted from truly being alone in yourself. WOW! Alone……

Not too long ago I was in a marriage that I felt so alone in. No love, no communication, no compassion or life inside of me. U C I was dead inside. In every situation there is also the polar opposite, so when that cycle was finally broken I woke up. I woke up to life and happiness and the joy of feeling with my heart.

I have been doing a lot of expanding my mind, discovering my heart and learning to feel from a place inside my heart vs. inside of my mind and…. What I’ve learned is that I must be alone and be happy with myself as a being, instead of finding my happiness from being with others. –Friends, Family…etc. I could say I knew that… But DB once taught me that… “I know that” is from an ego’s perspective. I am making some changes in my life and I am only taking an hour away for me.

Going into the inside of a place so deep…. “Meditation” When you drift… a feeling of happiness…perhaps a place of song and water… feel the warmth of the sun… and the wind drifting the fragrance of flowers… but for me, my mind races when I shut my eyes. I believe there are more memories deeply hidden….

Probably right, there might be, but I believe that my mind is playing a game with me…. It wants me to believe that deep down is more hurt and pain suffered from my past… and I feel that for me, I FEEL as if I have just been given me a clue towards the path in which I am at a crossroads in life.

Today, I feel that my mind is keeping me so busy that in reading a book by OSHO, I realized that it’s challenging for my body to keep up with my minds tasks and something has to give…. Who’s in charge here? .....I am!

Meditation is the deeper connection to your own capabilities in life. I’m living in blissfulness and love and why? Because it FEELS right!

I am truly blessed for all that is in my life. “Every bad situation has something good in it too…” “Polar opposites” Balance of this planet works, It’s scientific and I am blessed by just being here to write to myself, yet share it with others.

Always sharing my vulnerable thoughts for others; that is my way of sharing the courage of one’s own personal power that come s from going deep within yourself.

I am grateful for where I am right now and for the things and people who have come into my life.

According to OSHO... am I a lion or a camel???

Does it ever just feel like your floating through life? Not really taking certain actions by growth but just the day by day stuff that you would normally be doing…?

Living life day by day as each challenge comes and goes.

Making decisions based on your current level of awareness and power… Well I have a certain attachment that has a crutch that hinders me from dealing with my life ~versus~ cope-ing.

Why must I be so weak to give in? Someone once suggested that maybe it’s the attachment to someone who I loved very deeply, someone who gave me the security in a relationship with love and gratitude.

I feel as if my life has been a roller coaster going up and down and never really leveling out. I desire the challenges that come with dealing with it! I’m ready to play on a level playing field. Live LIFE! Just PLAY HARD!!!

My strength goes deep and I feel as if I need to make some changes.

Why because it alters my perception… maybe energizing but not healthy.

I do my part in being conscience of Mother Earth and my connection to what’s “GOOD”

Good for me, for you, and the others who are also connected.

IT’S all about purging… clearing the clutter… what now?

Oh yes it’s time…. I feel it burning… the desire to quit and reset the button. To start over

I have started over… so many times. I’m done! AND this time it’s going to be something big.

Something that goes deep: deep down to the core of my being and allows me to be here and now in every moment forward.

Meditate, meditate, meditate this is my challenge. To sit still and quiet…My brain just goes and goes and goes and then it just takes over and it’s over. This time it’s different. I’m ready to stop the cycle.

I did it in 2000 and I’ll do it again. But this time instead of doing it for someone else, I’m doing it for me.

I am grateful for that is all in my life, my awareness’s, and the power to be different.

Cheers!

Slowwwwwwwing dowwwwwwwn!

I never realized how much of a warp speed I was going until I arrived here in Hawaii and was able to slow down and take it easy! Thank you god for providing this wonderful trip for us! We have definitely made some most memorable memories and have seen the most beautiful sights. We are enjoying every second we have here on the beautiful island. Time with family and friends have made this trip the best!

Feels good to be home again!

Here in Hawaii with the boys! These are all North Shore pictures..... just a few favorites Check out this tree! The colors are so beautiful! Our new baby friend! The kids wanna keep the gecko. I say $25,000 fine if we get caught. -No way! Me at the house getting ready for the beach Having a beer or two! Dude that is an Amazazing fish! See it on the right? I thinks it's a rock fish???? Shark's Cove -North Shore Hawaii The boys at Shark's Cove In North Shore Hawaii It was kinda cold out of the water Just me in Hawaii 

We are having the most amazing time here in Hawaii on this trip. No drama, no traveling, and no tours. Just us and time to do whatever we want!

Just a little bit of time

I am inevitably in charge of me. My thoughts are carving my future reality. What do I want? I want to live happily and have fun in life; I want to fix up this house we live in. I want to give myself credit for all that is in my life and everything I’m doing. I want to feel love. I do understand things about love… but I want to feel love as an inside feeling. -For myself and others.

I realized the other day that I’ve always allowed me to put things and other people before me. What does this mean… it means that I’ve allowed myself to be out of balance and I was sacrificing myself for others! Pleasing others for acceptance is something that I feel came from generational error.

I’ve always put my parents, my children, my husband, my business, my goals, and my drive to be successful ahead of me. (“ME” meaning my heart and soul) Honestly, Money has controlled me. Or shall I say that money has been the thing that has driven me to where I am today. So, Financially, I let it go!

But my thoughts always came back to wondering who Kim is? For a very long time, I felt like a little lost girl of an abuse stricken past that haunted me like a victim. I remember what I was like before I got married but now I feel as if there is a hole. A WHOLE part of myself that is missing. Maybe not so much a part but a….. CONNECTION

Part of my journey has led me through personal development. In some way throughout my life’s journey, I realized that I have been in some form of personal development since I divorced my first husband. Amazing to have lessons in life and not realize it until later. Later… now that I have been educated on what personal development really is.

I’m looking back and reflecting on my progression, and that has changed something for me now that I have recognized the awareness of my realizations. As time goes on and I focus on that, the awareness just keeps growing stronger.

I wholeheartedly want to work on who Kim is… I feel that because of some recent events that have happened in my life. This has brought up some very big questions. Questions for me and my parents, confusion of my mother’s punishments, anger for my father, understanding of my estranged husband’s decisions, but it has also given me the awareness in getting back to working on me.

Loving myself
Accepting my success and deservedness
Allowing myself to forgive my past as it’s never been my fault as I’ve always been led to believe.

I see things differently now. The self destruction I did in my childhood was the ripple effect of the loneliness I felt as a child. I always wanted the love of my parents but I cannot remember a time when I felt anything! I never remember my parents holding me or expressing any type of love that I can remember. Maybe words but… no action!

Everything is going to be ok! I tell this to myself so that maybe someday I will start feeling the belief of that statement. Honestly I am petrified of the unknown! I just remind myself that the positive thought is that everything will be ok and this is what I want to focus on!

Days come and go, and as each day flies by, I feel as if time is just spinning around in circles. Same stuff different day. Hmmm that’s been the story of my life.

BUT For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan of action and no game plan. That’s weird to me as I have always had a plan for my life. Well there is a first time for everything. -Right? This is me being open for new things and changes that might be very uncomfortable but necessary.

Have you ever been so driven that the rest of reality has just disappeared?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned through the abuse I endured and every situation that has made me grow. During that period I was a victim as I did not understand why I had to endure such pain through my childhood and during my life’s journey.

When does one person decide to let go of the anger, hurt and shame?

When they are sick of it controlling them? or
Their tired of feeling a certain way?

I believe the path of why I experienced what I did, is part of a greater purpose in life.

In every situation as you deem “bad” look for the ways in which was “good” “you grew”

WTF!? Look for the good Shhya right! You’re crazy. That’s what I would’ve said but now that much time has passed from my experiences and I understand the art of letting go…. I see things in a different perspective.

We all have games we play with ourselves…. It’s what I call the “Mental Mind Fuck” It clenches onto the thoughts of your desires and cravings.

Who is going to win?

Your desire to change? OR
Your Mental Mind Fuck?

I say look at what you have gained from your experiences. Focus on the good and forget the bad.

Maybe you’ve heard it before…. BUT You can’t change what has already happened but you can certainly get up and keep going.

OMFG!!! They R driving me CraZy!

OMG! Do your kids ever drive you so crazy that sometimes it’s easier to just ignore them? That used to be an easy task before I was married and now it’s a challenge. So the process of tuning them out is taking some work. Sometimes I wish they could just be muted. Like on CLICK… They're boys, so sometimes they sound like their going to kill each other or someone is seriously going to get hurt. DRAMA! Yuck. They are not all bad... on the flip side, my boys are awesome kids. They put up with a lot when they deal with me AND they are helpful too. Now that we are almost settled I think we are going to go somewhere. Do something. What? I figure when the time gets closer to being finished then something will present itself to me. I just desire it to be fun! I just wanted to blog a feeling of craziness with the drama from the boys tonight. Ahh well I love em but they drive me crazy sometimes!!!!!!!! Living day by day…. I will keep going forward!

Im so happy and grateful that I have the opportunity to assist others!

In the history of my life I never had people express to me how much of an impact I made on them. (Maybe people did but I never really thought much of it) Influencing people is not something I try doing… I just believe in challenging people on their verbage and lifestyle. –Especially if its life altering in a positive way. Why stay the victim when you can be the survivor! Just recently I had a conversation with a friend of a friend and he said that the mutual friend that we have in our life has changed so drastically because of me being in his life. Not so much of an impression as much as it is life altering. WOW! What an honor and blessing… This is just one person out of a handful of people that I know have mentioned something to me in the past 6 months I just want to find a way to utilize that energy and gift to bring some financial blessings into my life. Doing something I love! Get a job or start a business helping others. I feel that the reason why GOD hasn’t brought forth a job or some kind of way to make an income is because I have too much going on still. I’m slowly but surely eliminating the clutter off of my plate. This has certainly been a slow process. I’ve learned to live day by day and celebrate everything. YES even the bad too. In the bad IS something good I’m sure. However sometimes our own poisonous thoughts and anger, hurt, greed or whatever it is… it gets in the way of seeing the lesson and feeling the true experience of life’s ever so lasting lessons. I am so thankful for my life and the chaos it has right now but I know the end of this experience, and the light at the end is what I keep fighting for. WHY? Because I know that its there and it’s the best part of the lesson. Thank you for my life and the relationship I have with my boys. As a team we have done some amazing things since July 2008.

Lightening the load for SANITY!

The question I have been fighting with myself is…Who do I believe in? Me? or GOD? Is it OK to believe in both? I feel that GOD did create me and the vast universe. AND… it’s ok to believe in myself. I’m here because of GOD? What does that mean? Historically the bible says that he created everything right? Well for me… I believe that it’s me living my life, and I’m humbled with regards to where I am right now. I am uncertain about history and how it all started; I just know that I’m here. I believe that I am to glorify GOD by living a happy and purposeful life. I know that I did not create this chaos in my life on my own, and without the other person, it is impossible to get out of it by myself. This is insane! I did everything I could to deal with this on my own and I feel as if I am going crazy because of it. I feel as if I’m no longer in control. Now that I made the decision, I truly understand a deeper meaning of letting go! –Still not the circumstances I would’ve ever asked for but those lessons in life keep me humble and aware of the actions or reactions I must make in my life. Letting go is such a sense of relief! -Not something that’s easy for me. This time, holding onto to something so big has certainly forced me to let go for my own sanity. Scared as I have no idea of what’s about to happen in my life as this is a road I have never traveled on. It’s scary because it’s new and uncomfortable. This time I feel that everything will be ok. I’m putting my trust in GOD. Recently I learned that I have been dying unto myself. …? What does that mean…? It means that I no longer try to control my life and its direction. I am doing what feels right and just following my heart. Living life day by day and planning, but am aware that things could change at any time. - (Especially when you have kids!) I know and trust that somehow miraculously everything will work out. AND For once in my life, I am not trying to figure it out. That in itself is a grand feeling. Leave the brain to work on other things. Whatever happens…happens. I just feel as if I have been busting my ass for years and nothing has ever been for me; always someone else! –Parents, husband, family, business, bosses, kids and so on. Well I still do things for my kids… as a matter of fact I’m doing this for the stability for them. But this time I know that GOD has a plan that I don’t understand, but I am open to following him with an open heart and mind. Life is changing.... and I’m excited! This time as life is changing… I am feeling it more within my heart not my head. God bless you and your family and from my family to yours… Happy New Year!

Just needed a little time...

2009’s first blog entry… I am so grateful This year is going to be a huge closure to the last relationship… marriage numero tres. I realized through recent events of my life that I’m in a catch22. The one thing that I’m working so hard to do this for turns out to be everything BUT that. Continuing to keep up with all the financial debt was everything I’m doing for the boys; so they could continue to live in what has been their home. However, just a short time ago CJ said to me… “But mom, you’re never here” What? That didn’t mean much to me but I was puzzled as to understanding why?... I work at home. -But now I believe I see it differently. After Tom left back in July… I had this drive that said “I can do this” and I have been since July, but the effect of it is that Leanne is back in my life. Why because I have too much to handle for just one person. -I tried. This is an incredible financial load and now that the anger is gone… I definitely feel hurt by the act of abandonment. Abandonment… Obsolete. to banish This sucks because I gave everything to my relationship to make it work financially. But when the other person in your life just walks out to never return… ? It definitely makes it a challenge for the person who is left to pick up the pieces. If I could possibly keep this going… I believe I would end up looking beyond my years due to the stress load of this burden. I made the most challenging decision of my life. And that was to look at the realization of where I was headed. -As my friend says… ”your just shuffling chairs on the titanic” I believe that my life is very humbled in the fact that I am being forced to do something that I have worked my entire life to keep good in my life. Not the circumstances I would have ever dreamed but it is what it is, and sometimes you just have to know your boundaries. I am so grateful that I can see that I have been down this path before and that doing it again is not healthy for any of us -CJ and TY… I am grateful for having the option to getting back to my roots, I am grateful of the option to choose where to go, I am grateful for insurance, I am grateful for the smile the boys put on my face, and I’m learning how to be grateful for myself. Oh to learning how to love myself is my newest challenge.