Don’t do it!

I was given the opportunity to take all the time I needed to ensure that I was ultimately ready to go back to work. Amazingly still pinching myself, and grateful to have been chosen for this position.

I was very excited to start this new job but scared at the same time. My energy is still not 100%, it’s barely 50%. The heat drains my energy like a tipped over glass of water pouring out rapidly and I wasn’t sure that I could make it a full day.

Honestly, one never goes into a new position because things are in order and all is well, unless you are the successor of the one who may be leaving and that is not the case with this job. Which is a-okay as coming in and fixing things is right in my wheelhouse, which I thoroughly enjoy! Nerve racking, but nonetheless, love it!

I came into the first day with a plan, and that quickly was tarnished as I began to discover just how bad things are in the office. As the days continued, the plan evolved, but was muddled with all the inefficiencies and inorganization lingering over my office. My only solution was to come into the office on a day that I could have uninterrupted time to get through all the papers in the office. I needed things to get organized, right now. So, I planned to come in on Saturday to make this a reality.

Here’s the caveat, do not allow the new job to get you back to the hustle and bustle of being busy!

Do not allow the new job to take over your life!

Do not give, give, give without having the balance of keeping things slow and steady.

Awareness to ensure that I take things slow! -Thank you!

Surrendering

It is amazing to me that I am continuing to fight with myself. Surrendering to not having the energy to be myself and do the things that I'd like to do. Mostly outside, working in my yard, but nonetheless. Stopped in my tracks!

Does this mean that there must be a "new" me? I must surrender to the old ways of living my life to realigning to the new me? New me? What does that mean? No matter what is happening... I feel the shift happening within my soul and now, more than ever... I am ready for it!

My entire life, I have had to be on survival mode. Yes, that's right... as child to survive my parents neglect & abuse, as a teenager to survive leaving home and make it on my own, and so and so on. I won't get into that as that is not what I want to talk about. For me, that meant... always living my life through the masculinity and staying tough to survive. Not feeling like a victim of it, just recognizing the necessity of not living my life through my femininity. 

Just recently, even though I've have had discussions before with Brian... he reminded me again that... My entire life, I've lived through my masculinity, but the conscious shift has organically been happening within my soul in shifting to living my life through femininity. I don't understand what that feels like or what that even means. 

During my last session, I asked Brian. He helped my understand that masculinity is doing and femininity is feeling. What an ah ha moment!!!

Over the past few years, I have been feeling the shift of doing things that "feel" good vs just being a good soldier and do what I'm told without challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm still "doing", but definitely feeling has been more in the forefront of all my decisions. 

So grateful for the teachers in my life and the openness in allowing the messages to be received. Thank you!

Replenishing my body

Weeks leading up to my cancer treatment, my doctors advised that I needed to stop all my vitamins. It was described as the best policy to ensure that the cancer treatment would be the only thing running through my body with no interference. Okay, trusting the doctors to know best. I followed their instructions. 

A week into treatment, my hot  flashes returned and they were fierce. I was able to get permission to start taking the herbs for those symptoms. Thank goodness! I was miserable!

Here we are, post cancer treatment. My flora is so messed up, along with my anemia! I am so happy that this is week one of getting back on my vitamins and getting back on a probiotic to get my body back in balance. Thank you for the cancer treatment in ridding the toxic parts that need to be evicted, but so grateful that, things are now in my rear view. I am so happy to be feeling like I am turning the corner in my health. 

Super focused on health and cannot wait to get back to the gym! I am SOOOOO ready, but my body is not. Not yet, but when I am... watch out, I am coming back hard. Not killing myself, but definitely challenging myself in order to build the muscle back.

Day 10 of 30

So grateful for the wisdom of being connected with my own body!

I can remember the days where I was living my life, with disconnection. Seeking outward attention and not loving myself. I would have the illusion of "saying" that I love myself, but I know now, I wasn't truly loving myself! With all honesty, I still have a bit to go as I still am hard on myself about my own body "image", but the connection to my body, now... is amazing! As time passes, the connection becomes deeper and deeper -Thank you!

Here we are at day 10. So grateful for the ability to eat food, having the ability to be gentle with myself and be in love with the healing of this cancer. Finding the balance to what works, has been the key and I am so grateful for this gift in having the ability to see this as a gift. 

So many people that I have spoken with are in shock that I am still working full time, that I am handling these appointments on my own, I am still working out in my yard on the weekends, I am doing me! I don't understand... shall I be a victim of this experience? Honestly, everything is a choice, and I choose to not ALLOW this to change me or sway be into that mentality. Don't get me wrong, I have my lower level days, where shit is not good, but I am a survivor and I will prevail. So with that being said. 

Happy Friday to the day today and here's to week 2, done! -Well, almost... but you get the point. Tomorrow brings a weekend break and a breathe of normalcy for a hot minute. So welcoming, so grateful!

Cheers!

Educated

When Fred was around, I was learning a lot about my body; spending more time with butt hole than I ever dreamed that I would be doing. Good to be in touch with my body!

I have been spending time in getting to better understand more about this cancer and have come to the realization that my prior thoughts have SOME truth in them. 

The urgency from the doctor to start treatment right away is finally understood. My cancer is on the borderline of not being receptive to treatment. In perspective... the human anal canal is roughly 4cm in length. My cancer is 3.5-4cm in length and 2cm wide. Which for that area, is really big. If I do not eliminate this cancer, then I am at risk of having to have a colostomy and wearing a ostomy bag for the rest of my life. -That is scary to me. 

Chemotherapy and radiation goes so far against my belief ! Scary! Not just the drugs and the side effects, but the vicious cycle I may be at risk for, not to mention the weakened immune system from the treatment. The unknowns here, are hard to swallow. I guess there will be a new normal, temporary normal, but amazing how this roller coaster of life has continued to forge forward. 

I am learning some, but not purposely learning about the other parts. I figure, I MUST trust the experts and just focus on me and my well being. 

Cheers to joy and healing!

  

Fred and the awareness surrounding his visit

In the beginning, I thought this was just a flare up, and that I could, with the right attention… heal it. Besides, I don’t have any issues as this is only the 2nd time I can remember ever having to deal with it.

If you’re wondering what “it”… It is my internal hemorrhoids. Not only did I get the gift of a (no drugs) natural birth to my youngest kiddo in 1996, but I was also given the gift of hemorrhoids. Thank you?

I cannot ever remember having this big of a flair up. Trust me, it would be as memorable as this current experience has been. I feel that I can attribute this to my eating lifestyle. I’ve always ate wholesome and as natural as possible. Maybe not so much while I was in my 20’s, but that certainly changed in 2007 when I learned more about food, food additives and FDA standards. It will shock you to know what acceptable standards allowable in our foods. OMG, but that is a different story. 

I cannot remember when this started, but I know that I separated from my job at the law firm in the first week of August. I know that I had some cream on hand from my competition days. Side note, believe it or not hemorrhoid cream is very helpful when you tear your calluses off. It helps with the swelling!  I can see that I ordered some stuff on 9/12. So, I feel it’s safe to say that it started around the 1st of September. I was taking baths, using ice, heating pads, herbal supplements, a holistic ointment as well rotating other topical creams and suppositories. Nope, weeks and months went by with no “real” progress. I could get things unwound, but no matter what I did. It was still there and was quite uncomfortably painful. I thought I could heal this on my own, but I finally broke down and saw a doctor in March, who then referred me to a surgeon. It was so swollen that even she couldn’t see or diagnose it, but the suspicion is that it is an anal fissure. It may have started as a hemorrhoid, but now it’s something else. In light of this experience, I feel that this has been with me for so long that I have named him Fred. Not funny, but he is my unwanted guest who has worn out his welcome! I’m ready for him to leave as my daily life has been affected, big time! Not to mention, I have spent far too much time with that part of my body, then I ever imagined I would. I asked my husband if he is jealous of Fred since I have been spending so much time with him. Just joking!

The surgeon mentioned surgery, but I am so against any kind of surgery. I know there has to be another way. Maybe not the quick, easy fix, but nonetheless, I refuse to cut things out of my body… unless I HAVE to. So she prescribed a compound cream which has Fred almost gone. Still there, but shrinking, finally! I thought I was in pain before, until the healing started. I now realize that this pain is much worse! OMG!!!!

I know now that there is a reason that he has been sticking around this long. Showing me “awareness of” something? Maybe heal, not show? My take away is this. As I have spent time with Fred, there has been some emotional experiences surrounding the healing that has happened with Fred. Deep feelings of tears, some laughter, but mostly a lot of crying. Maybe this is my emotional stuff that was buried deep down there. Maybe it’s ancestral healing? I don’t know, but I have learned that I need to revert back to my healthy lifestyle with food.

Since my husband has come into my life, my lifestyle has changed. Cable TV, fast food and “some” processed foods have found their way in my diet. I will take accountability for allowing that to sneak in, but that is now changing in light of this situation. Maybe it could be a combination of a few things. Age could be an attributor too. 

This experience has shown me a valuable lesson. It’s clear to me, that changes need to be made. 

Cheers to awareness and the lessons that are brought forth by the natural order. I appreciate the eye opening experience. It will definitely allow me to think twice about what I am feeding my body. 

Lost or Found

Am I lost? 

Am I found? -Feeling like it’s been a challenge for me to accept my decision to resign from my Controller position without a plan. It’s taken me a hot minute for me to come to terms with my decision. Have I accepted it?

Earlier blog that never was posted and just in looking back at this progress. Totally flipped that switch!

Feeling like it can be over soon enough! I’m mentally so not connected to my job anymore. I want to be DONE! So yeah, totally accepted the fact that I’ve resigned! Taking a break. Excited to see what is next for me on this enlightening path to self-discovery. Where am I going. Just enjoying every moment, just doing, me!

Cheers to progress!

Busy, busy, busy… AGAIN!

Many times, I have found myself back in “this” spot. Of course, it’s only after I’ve gone down the rabbit hole again and months have passed by. Yay to awareness!

 

Why does this keep happening? If you want to make a change, you must do something differently. Right? So, why do I keep circling back to the same spot? -Is it because I keep myself busy; unconsciously put things in my path to deter myself from these changes. -Or maybe were human, creatures of habit and we eventually end up right where we were until awareness sets back in, despite of our desires.

 

Regardless of why, the real question is how I can break this for good?

 

Last year I made the decision to make that change and because making money became more important, it has allowed me to creep back to my old ways. However, the desire for change is starting to set back in again. Thankfully, not 3 years later, but less than a year. I say that’s progress. Yay and thankful for my eyes to be opening again.

 

My commitment to myself is to blog at least 3 days per week, no matter what I have to say. This started out as a journal, and because of life becoming so busy, and losing my "actual" journal... blogging online was the next best things for me. 

 

Cheers to the path of progress and opening my heart to my souls’ desire and discovery of this path, no matter where we go. I will be listening with my heart!

Slow Down!

About a month ago, I was out at the property cutting and widening the trail to the river with Jason. Within 2 days, a few blotches appeared and then it became an itchy rash. Unbearably irritating! I thought I was going to scratch my skin off, but after some research, many creams, and a dermatologist visit, I discovered that I encountered poison oak. OMG what a horrible experience!

Looking back in hindsight. Horrible, yes. Eye opening, yes, yes, yes! This experience made me STOP. Yes, that’s right! I couldn’t go to the gym, I couldn’t go outside, and I could barely focus at work. Why, well wearing clothes made it itch, being in heat made it itch. I was itchy ALL THE TIME! AND OMG, I just wanted to be still, not move and just get through this horrible experience. Ice was my friend; I was wearing and sleeping with it for days! Whew, thank you for my dermatologist who prescribed me a steroid treatment… I am at week 4 now and now will be conscience of my outside natural surroundings. Look out for living creatures; plants can be dangerous too!

Not only did I learn that, but this experience has MADE me stop and become more aware of ME again. The beat of my soul is shining through, and it is saying…

Stop, slow down and see that your life’s choices right now are not feeding your soul.

You’re not invisible, stop and be aware of new things. -Time for change

What a surprise!

My journey is shifting my attention to a plant-based diet. I've learned that red & all processed meat has been classified in the same category as causes of cancer such as tobacco smoking and asbestos (IARC Group 1, carcinogenic to humans), but this does NOT mean that they are all equally dangerous. Of course, not... Smoking tobacco is way worse! But your diet is getting you sick too. Think about that for a second! You are what you eat.

For me and my… 12-week pregnancy (non-baby) fibroid. They docs say I should consider a partial hysterectomy. No way... I will explore ALL my options and do whatever it takes before that will happen!

I've made up my mind. I am changing my diet. According to those carcinogenic facts, I'm worth it and who knows what will happen. Thank you to my higher soul who leads and continues to lead me. Amazing things you learn as your curiosities emerge. -Here’s to listening to my body from quietly within!

Magical, unwinding gravitational pull

For so many years, most my adult “responsible” life, I feel as if I am following my parent’s words of wisdom. You know the nagging voices of… work hard and do whatever you need to do to make a living and then retire comfortably. BUT something has shifted recently, and my soul has me yearning for living life with passion, love, unbounding joy and living my true self. Loving what I do, day in and day out. Here’s the challenge. What is it? What does that look like? I really don’t know, but I want too!

I feel as if I am being pulled forward and just being where I am “right now” … more so of the awareness of where I am, has become painful, emotional and yet it fuels my fire to explore what that means all at the same time. The opposition is my old, yet evolving self … who has that nagging voice and the fight or flight feeling of being scared. All I can say is, I strongly and wholeheartedly feel a conscience shift and I continue to remind myself that it’s time for me to LIVE, LOVE and BE FREE! No longer bound to the chains of the old patterns that keep me unhappy. Not in a negative way, just not living life to it’s fullest most magical and its unlimited energy!

I remember a time… long period of my life where I wore a mask, alcohol, drugs and all those crutches allowed me to “deal” with things and endure life’s challenges, but in the past 10 years of my NSA journey, I can happily say that the old negative patterns have fallen to the wayside and I no longer think, nor want to clutter my mind and soul with crap!  

Please hear my voice expressing my gratitude and asking that you unveil the path that I am to follow. Lead the way, and I will continue to trust the process.

Love and Light

Why did I do that?

I allowed myself to have a long period; lapse in judgement of bending the real truth of the matter. Yet, the real honesty of that statement is… I allowed it! I am in charge of my actions. I am in charge of knowing how to say no and stop myself from doing something that I wholeheartedly know is bad for me. Yet I did it any ways. I vow to no longer partake in that behavior, not only in a mind, body, and soul decision, but mainly because it goes against my principles and I felt so guilty after the fact. I felt so out of control and yet I wanted more. That’s the thing about addiction… it grabs ahold of you and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, or your beliefs. I am in control! I am BACK in control and I have taken a vow to never, ever let that lapse in judgement happen again. Goes to show that even 20 years ago when I first made that vow… anything can happen if you allow it. Here I am again. Fuck that! Fuck you for allowing that to happen again. Not just once, but for an entire year! OMG WTF… Okay pity party is over!

Thank you for the recognition of the awareness in knowing that you are in charge… yes YOU are in charge. Refuel, and continue to look forward in loving your mind, body, and soul!

Unfolding the Heart's Desire

So much has been going on that I seriously have NOT made time to blog. I always promise myself that, this time will be different. I will blog more; I will take the time to make it happen and this time… I quit my job so what was my excuse (this time) The fact is, I will stop making those promises right now. If I really wanted blogging to be a priority, I would make it happen. But I did not. I had other higher priorities that took precedence, and I got a PT job to occupy my time since I was going crazy with boredom. On a side note, my house was SUPER clean, and my yard was beautiful!

On my last entry, I spoke about my feelings on how things went with my previous employer. Yeah, that was a hurtful situation, and the pain was around for quite longer than I really wanted it to be. My choice to keep it in my thoughts. Now it is September. OMG… what happen to the time. It just flew, and even with COVID… it still flew!

I am happy to report that with lots of energy work, love of landscaping, the urge to clean and organization, and time… all is better! Breathing wonderfully and have forgotten about SMC. Truthfully, I learned of something recently, and I could feel those feelings getting stirred and found myself pissed all over again. Therefore, consciously, I decided that I can no longer entertain discussing or thinking about it/them. Let it go with full intention of not revisiting that again, now that I know it is a trigger! Yes, to awareness!

So, I took a PT job, and ended up leaving after 4 weeks as it was not a good fit for me. Clear on my boundaries and how “I” want to be treated. Funny thing was that I was treated well as I established my boundaries right from the beginning, but the others around me… not so much and I just could no longer continue to keep myself in that toxic environment. So, I took another PT job, and unfortunately got soooooo bored, I just could not continue with it and ended up leaving.

On 7/16/2020 before I started that second PT job, I took some time to journal a list. Frankly, I’m sick of starting and leaving jobs. I really want to find my “home” -work home that is!  I felt that if I got clear about my future self with a new job and set it out to the universe to allow timing for the law of attraction to work its magic. Amazingly, I am here to report that I am set to start that new job in just a few days. Honestly, it was earlier than I ever anticipated, but I’m happy to report that the universe has unfolded 20 out of the 22line items listed for my new job. There was a few that were off a bit, but close. Like… I want to be within 20 minutes’ drive to my office; I’m 26 minutes. Other item was if I had located a higher role, but after really thinking about what was presented, I decided that I am moving to NC to take life a little easier, and a step back was just what the mind, body and soul called for. I though that my last employer took care of their employees, but I was wrong! My new employer really values and takes care of their employees GREATLY through all their benefits! Amazing company and I am SO grateful for the gift that the universe unfolded for my future self. I am excited!

In hindsight… painful as it was to leave my last employer… it was the right thing for me to do. For my mind, body, and soul. AND… I would have never been available for this opportunity if I didn’t make those hard decisions “then” -Thank you!

Continuing the journey in finding my way

The books I’m reading/read, the events I’ve gone to, my NSA doc… they all are shining light on how living through soul is effortless. Not sure if I’ve ever, or honestly remembered a time that I truly lived my life through soul. Therefore, I’m not sure what that looks like or even means! The short story… when I was in my 20’s, I was raising 2 kids, and did whatever needed to be done to survive life, in my 30’s, still raising kids, but I concentrated on my education/career, and was given the gift of discovering “true” self-care. Now I’m in my 40’s and am questioning things, deeper! Meaning, I hate my career choice! I am good at it, and it pays well, but not a soulful life choice as it doesn’t bring joy to my heart. I cannot stand where I live as the majority of people here are so negative and RUDE!

2008-ish… Allowing myself the gift of not working; I did freelance part time, but truly lived my life on my terms! It was nice! Having time off for self-discovery and committing to it, enabled me to discover (NSA) Network Spinal Analysis. I’ve blogged about this before, but the mental and emotional scarring of keeping things bottled in for my whole life was causing pain, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. During that time-out, I was able to heal and process those old wounds. Life went on, and since I needed to support myself/children, I chose to continue the path of my career in Accounting and went back to work.

So, here we are 2020… Presently, I feel lost. Without my career, who am I? What do I love? What does living through soul mean? What does that feel like? What does that look like? How do I discover this part of myself? What do I do from here? Since I’ve decided to take another time out and not hurry back to work… I’ve had time to “actually” clean my house, spend time with my new puppy; training her, shape-up my landscaping (It’s gorgeous!) and continue on my physical journey with my personal trainer. I’m learning breathing techniques, but not sure if I’m on the right path. So, my thought is, when you don’t know, do something about it! Try EVERYTHING! I’m currently reading Love yourself, live your spirit by Sonia Choquette and I’m on 2^nd chapter. What I have discovered so far is… I’m abusive to my spirit. Why would my spirit want to be in this body when all I can see is the negativity about myself including my physical body.

Chapter 2’s exercise has 2 parts;

PART ONE  “When I talk to myself, here’s what I need to say…” Write down as many loving, affirming statements as you can think of and would want to share with your best friend. Start from within, more than what’s on the outside.

PART TWO -Same list- “Make a list of kind words you can say to your spirit”

Print the list and post it everywhere! This way, it is a loving reminder of the kind words to affirm to yourself. FUNNY THING… I know this! I’ve blogged about this many time! Change your verbiage, change your life! I guess, for me… I am so deep in my own crap right now, that this is a good nudge to remind me. So here is my list, and I will be reading, and adding on a daily basis. I am determined to live my life through my soul and divine light!

You are a faithful body, always reliably running; day in/day out, every day

You are smart, loyal and resilient

Your mind is quiet and still

You are such a good friend, and flawlessly reliable

You are a good listener

You are so loving, compassionate and caring

You are beautiful inside and out

You are a creative force with vision & commitment

You are patient, powerful & strong

You have a huge zest for life

You have love for all living things

You are so present in every moment

Thank you for your grace

Thank you for your kindness

Thank you for being healthy

Thank you for knowing your boundaries

Thank you for speaking up

Thank you for caring

Thank you for seeing beyond your circumstances

I love you unconditionally

Letting go and loving you! Are you doing that?

There is such a fine line and a strong distinction between learning to set “you” free by letting go and loving yourself. Loving “you” what does that mean?

For me… it means so many different things on so many different levels. On the surface it’s the easy stuff; good hygiene, healthy diet, exercise, and being presentable…etc. But let’s go a bit deeper shall we? What about setting healthy boundaries for you and others, maybe taking time out to get a massage or a pedicure, what about doing the things that bring a SMILE to your face or something you love!

On another level those things are good but I am talking about even deeper than that; on the inside. Breathe work and quieting down that “monkey mind” That’s what I call it anyways. It could be different for others but either way it’s the internal conversations that we have with ourselves on a conscience level. Should we, shouldn’t we… you know what I’m talking about right? Either way that internal dialogue we have can sometimes keep us in that comfort zone… that circle that we can draw about 2 feet around us. It’s what’s on the outside of that circle that allows us to grow and experience new things. (Some good and some not so good) but that’s a whole different topic.

I can remember a time that my mind would go and go and go and go and I swear no matter what I did, my mind wouldn’t ever just shut OFF! Our minds are amazing! How the internal filters work unconsciously and the ideas and creativity that evolve from our inner most thoughts or behaviors. With some conscience effort, just as I did, you can calm that monkey mind down so it’s more peaceful. But let’s really get down deep with our inner most habits that stop us from truly loving you for you.

In life some of us are taught things through the way our parents/peers live and do things, some of us are out of control and are at the mercy of the people in our lives or maybe not in our lives, maybe there are those of us who had to grow up and take on adult responsibility as a child, whatever the experience may be, it seems to me that we lose a bit of ourselves along the way and our sense of our importance falls by the wayside; sometimes taking care of others becomes first and foremost and we forget about ourselves.

Loving on all levels is very important to one’s health and well being. I would encourage you to turn off that TV, video game, ipad, or whatever it may be that is distracting you from listening to the core of our own spirit. If your quiet and give yourself some attention, the voice gets louder. Our deeper most inner self wants to be loved and nourished. I say take the time for you, even if it’s only 15 minutes. You deserve to be happy and isn’t that priceless? I think so and that’s why I am truly blessed and so grateful that the level of intelligence within me has grown beyond anything I would’ve ever imagined. To know that loving thy self is not only on the outside but also on the inside, and that I am doing what I need for ME!

I encourage you to take some time for “YOU”