To my divine Spirit/Soul.. I am so sorry!

Just recently I separated from a toxic situation. I was angry! I was scared at how the changes were going to affect my life. Funny to me to write that, but better out than bottle in. What I mean by “changes” is… money. Giving up a six-figure income with no fallback plan. No job, or even the thought or energy of WANTING to get a job. I want to be without a job. Nothing but time to do what I want on my terms!

Reigning myself back in on topic, yikes! --I went to an event in Colorado that changed my perspective! Usually when I go to these events, I have an intention, but this time, I didn’t. No intentions, just pure openness!

Honestly, every time I go to these events, there is a life changing shift that happens, and I knew that would happen, but I wanted to be open to the possibilities of what that could be. I had been swallowed and consumed by my angry thoughts, and the feeling of betrayal. I couldn’t think of much else. I was pissed and relieved at the same time. Relieved that the burden was someone else’s problem, but angry at the situation and the events leading up to it.

I’ve recently got back into reading books in trying to regain my spirit and living through divine love and light. I felt as if I was so outside of myself, that I was lost. Still am, but now I am finding the crumbs that were left for me to find my way back to my heart.

I have to share an experience I had at a SRI;Somato-Respiratory-Integration. Ordinarily, when I attend the SRI class, my mind is in the forefront, and has a strong hold and will not let my spirit come through. But this time it was different! So, I’m attending this class at the seminar as I’ve always done, and during my SRI exercise; can’t remember what stage, but it was in the season of Awaken. My spirit took over and the energy was strong! I found myself crying incessantly and was apologizing to my Spirit. I was lying on the floor but could see my spirit above me, intertwining with another spirit who, I don’t know, but… all I could say was “I am so sorry” over and over, and over again. I am so sorry for ignoring you. I am so sorry for letting this happen, I am so sorry! Until… I reached a point where it faded. I laid there and finished the exercise; my body felt heavy, I couldn’t get up. When I finally did. I noticed the gentleman next to me. I reached out in wanting to hear about his experience as he was laying next to me. I shared my experience, and he stated that it was also similar to his. He thanked me, as I also reciprocated. That was intense, and for the first time, EVER. I had seen and felt my divine spirit. So blown away by this experience, I wanted more!

I am truly sorry for ignoring my divine spirit, and in this gift of time, I am driven and dedicated to my journey in continuing to deepen my connection to my Spirit and truly live my life through divine love and light through my heart.

Awareness is amazing and if you are open, it is even more amazing at what can happen!

Thank you!

Toxicity and how deep it reaches

In the beginning, I was angry because of how things went down with my employer and me having to make a hard choice. How did I not see it? This is what it means to be TOO CLOSE! -So many influences and respectable people in my life expressed what they saw, and how I had changed over the last few years. Now, with my eyes open, I understand that the trade for money and the job was a severely toxic situation and stewing in the anger is allowing me to continue to poison myself, after the fact.

The trade for money… I remember a conversation I had with one of my bosses I asked--“Florida is horrible, why do you stay?” You already stated that you will not retire here, so why are you still here? Answer: This is where the money is. I learned a valuable lesson long ago, that money isn’t everything, and the trade you make for it will eat your soul away! Little by little before you realize it’s too late!

For me... a moment in time, when you realize that your upset at yourself for allowing it to get this far. (AGAIN) You promised yourself before, to not let this happen. >>>Why is it that you allow others to cross your boundary lines? A lesson to myself, and at the very least... awareness to see, and gratefulness to learn from the experience. 

Thank you!

Learning the lesson AGAIN!

I vowed many years ago that I wouldn’t allow myself to be compromised for any job or anyone or thing. But here we are… 2020 and I did it again. Back in November, I started feeling as if I had been giving my job/career, everything. My energy, my life, compromising myself personally in giving my time, tirelessly. This had been going on since I started there 3+ years ago, and I realized there wasn’t ever going to be a “real” break from it. Why? -well according to my boss’s opinion, it was self-inflicted. Okay, I’ll take some accountability in NOT STICKING to my set boundaries. There is 100% to every problem. I’m only 50% of the problem, the other was my bosses. I work hard, it’s who I am to my core, as I am proud of what I produce as it is a direct reflection of me, and how I operate; with integrity, resilience and structure in order to keep things organized & clear. Yes, things change. I am not opposed, but the change must be for the greater good.

In my opinion, my truth is that I was forced out of employment with my employer back in January 2020. I had given everything I was to my core for this job. In hindsight, slowly in exchange for my health. I can understand the state of my predecessor (When I was hired back in 2016) and how it got so bad. She was forced to resign, but my hat is off to her for staying as long as she did. Not me, the trade isn’t worth it. I made myself a promise years ago, and when it became apparent that things were not going to change “as promised” I was no longer willing to stay. What I cannot believe is how long I let it continue. For months I stayed at my job despite me crying while I commuted to work or crying in my office during the day. It took 3+ years and me visiting my doctor because I was an emotional wreck and didn’t feel like I keep going without some help in order for me to see more clearly. I got severely sick and lost 22# in a 3-week period, and at my doctor’s visit, he placed me on bed rest for 3 days. I was apprehensive as I knew the state of things at the office (BAD) but I was exhausted… I took the days off to try to refuel. It was a Friday and after notifying my boss, he agreed to bring in help in assisting me within the department. I was so relieved that they were so supportive.

However, when I came into the office that following Monday, my security clearance that I always had, had been changed, and when I confronted my boss, I got some bullshit “story”. That was a lie! When I confronted him again and blatantly asked him to tell me honestly what was going on. He said that I was scaring the board last week with my emails. Oh Geez, the emails stating that I was in the middle of a mental and emotional breakdown due to the expectations of my job and needed more help. I had deadlines that were specified that couldn’t be changed, and I had been working the previous last 5 weeks/7days with no days off, in order for me to meet the departmental deadlines. I was exhausted and when I asked about the help, he said that we would hire... he said that was not going to happen, and that he didn't know what to tell me. I had to continue to maintain my department. Unbelievable! I couldn’t/wouldn’t continue like that. I resigned with a 30-day notice; they told me that I am done as of today. Amazing to me how much I compromised yet again for someone else at my expense. You’d think I’d learn my lesson by now. RIGHT? Geez, let me just say that… I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!

Live my life without compromise. If you don't, you are taking a risk to yourself, and for what? Your job; another person’s dream! As I have learned invaluably… love your spirit and live in divine light AND DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR SET BOUNDARIES!

This has been on my mind since the separation of my job, and I am just venting my lesson out loud. I need it off my mind so I can live within my true divine light and soulful intuition. Getting back to me again before I started this job. Thank you for the lesson (again).

Reaching your goals, but something is missing.

Are you one of those individuals who works /worked hard, makes the challenging choices, sacrifices, and does whatever it takes to create the future you want for yourself. I am, and I thought that once I reached inevitably where I set my goals, I thought, I would happy. I was for a bit, and I worked so hard that I eventually burnt myself out. So, I tried to take a break to recharge, but never truly took a break. Staying busy is what I do. Rest, what is that?

I feel that I have done my best to make things happen, but now that I am here, I cannot escape the fact that I feel something is missing. A sense of purpose. I cannot find “true” happiness and I cannot find the gratefulness in my situation.  Why? I should be grateful for where I am in my life. I should be tickled that I have come a long way! Am I depressed? Why do I feel this way? I feel that I am starting to unravel in my unhappiness. So what do I do?

I am writing this to set the energy in motion. Please help me find gratefulness in everything I do, where I am, and in all my choices. Please help me find a sense of purpose in the direction I am heading in life. 

Life’s lessons

The other day, I was laying in the sauna after my workout and I got to thinking…

WOW, how grateful am I, to have been through so much, and to have learned so much from it. I especially want to thank the husband’s in my life. Yes, that’s right, husbands. I have been married 4 times, and honestly, I can say Thank You to each one of them.

I think I’ve posted something before about this topic, and that’s okay, because it’s coming up again for me; hopefully the gratefulness I have has become more evolved.

To my 1^st husband, Joe… thank you for teaching me how to take a “stand” for myself. When I met you, I was only 16 and just a baby; who thought she knew it all! I may have worn a mask that perceived that I was tough on the exterior, but down deep to my core… I wasn’t. Technically, not even an adult yet. I was a timid, self-conscience little girl that was looking for “love”. Of course, at the time I didn’t know any of these things conscientiously, but looking back, I can see it clearly now. So, thank you! I know for a very long time, I was angry with you, and now I can say that forgiveness and am happy that we can have a friendship that warms my heart. I am thankful for you, the experiences, and the most valuable life lessons in evolving as a human being.

To my 2^nd husband, Chase who is no longer with us on this earth. I must say thank you for showing me the “true” meaning of unconditional love. Looking back on life for the past 15 years, I have realized that when you died, you took a piece of me with you! 10 years of mourning you taught me that I truly learned the meaning of true “love”. Of course, I didn’t realize this until just recently in the last few years, but in that “ah ha” moment… I could see it clearly. Thank you for finding your way through this “tough” exterior that I created for myself, in order to find your way in and love me; love me for who I was. I must honestly say that loving me couldn’t’ve been easy. I remember how tough I masked my true self to be and I love, miss and always wondered what our future would’ve been like.

To my 3^rd husband, Tom… you have given me a lesson on life & money that couldn’t have been delivered so beautifully. Of course, at the time, there was so much anger for your actions/inactions and the non-communication on being amicable! But, in retrospect, I am thankful for you. I have forgiven you, and I hope that one day, you and I can get back on talking terms. The outward appearance of being accepted and masking my true self was so exhausting. The financial burden of keeping up with the perception of that outer appearance was very self-serving, and a detriment to my growth. Thank you for creating those “painful” circumstances that allowed me to see that I must rip off the mask and be true to my nature. I appreciate the gift of light and true evolution in finding my deeper self.

To my 4^th husband, Jason… it was a rough start, and I swore off drama in my life; I had felt as if I’d had enough of it, and just couldn’t take anymore. Then you came along, and I must say… DRAMA! So much drama came with your past, present. It was a battle within myself to know if I was making the right decision to continue a relationship with you. But I chose to go with my heart, and I must say… I am glad I did; I am deeply in LOVE with you, and you have my heart in the palm of your hands. My boys and Chase will always have a piece of it, but you have it today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life in this world. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for you, your patience, your unconditional love, and willingness to deal with my craziness! Oh boy, do I know how challenging I can be! Nonetheless, I am in, and will always be in love with you. I am so lucky that you married me, and I am excited to see our future together. You and I are as unstoppable as a freight train and I can’t wait to grow old with you.

In my life, I have loved and have been loved many times, but without these experiences, I would be where I am today without them. 

Thank you!

Negativity

Always being exposed to negativity makes it a challenge to be positive. BUT if you CHOOSE what you want, and act how you want, then it will be! Negativity can be so toxic! I recently went back home and realized, discovered many things, but these 2 things are the biggest ones that stand out for me.

 1) My family is not very emotionally attached and feels so broken. Not only my immediate family, but my extended family too. So isolated in our own spaces.

 2) My family is very stuck and can be very negative at times because of personal beliefs, perception, circumstances and situations due to cause and effect.

All my life, and I don’t have many memories, but I cannot remember too many times where we have been to family events. I do remember some on my father’s side and only a few times that I can remember on my mother’s side.  Not to say that we didn’t attend more when we were younger, but that’s not the case now.

Honestly, family can be exhausting, and a lot of work, but for me… we aren’t kids anymore, and we all grew up and became super busy with our own children/family and careers. Today’s society is busy! Some of us moved many miles away from each other, and only connect through social media. However, all my family; including extended family don’t even talk to each other much anymore; they are mad at each other.

While I was back home, I noticed how my family on all side’s are so disconnected. Fighting about this or standing strong in their disagreements on that. Not me, I can honestly say… no harsh feelings, no grudges. But for my family… no middle ground to keep peace or unity in order to keep family close. We all have disagreements, we all fight! Why does my family feel so broken? And over what? How can this be fixed? Or, can it be fixed? I certainly don’t have the energy in fixing everyone else’s relationships, but I know that I can concentrate on my own interrelationships with my family. I can only extend the olive branch and do my part. Like they say… 50% is my half, and the other half is the other person’s; I can only do my part in this. So, if they are so stuck in their ways and cannot agree to disagree or talk through it, then I am at peace with my half. I’m not fighting with anyone, but I need to make more of an effort in reaching out to say hi more often. Just touch base to let them know I was thinking about them, and to ask how they are doing. Family should be important, and it has taken me a long time to get to place of opening my eyes to that fact.

Thank you for time and space at home, and away from my busy, busy life in order to realize just how important those relationships are. -Cheers to reestablishing those distance connections!

Finding Balance

Honestly, I didn’t take the traditional route in life by any means. I married young, had a baby before I was 18, survived an abusive relationship, divorced, married again, had another baby, became a widow, married again, divorced, and got married again and somehow in between all that, I found a way to become educated, and experienced in my field. I made it work; without entertaining excuses. There were low and high points where I felt as if I just wanted to quit, but I am a fighter and will never give up on something I am driven to do, or have my mind set on.

Now that my kids are gone, and I truly have an empty nest, and my career has been the biggest priority of my life. Afterall, that is what I have been working so hard for! Right? Ever since I moved to Florida, I have been so busy with life. My career has made a big impact on my free time, relationships, personal challenges with addiction and mind, body, soul balance.

I have tried and tried to find the “right” company to call my forever “career” home. The universe knows that I have bounced, and bounced around, fallen, picked myself up to keep fighting the good fight. I have seasons, just like everyone else. I am learning how to have balance and create time and space for myself. That has been a challenging thing to accomplish with all my responsibilities, desires within this space and time. Prioritizing in order to find balance has been something I have battled with for decades.

For the first time, I feel like I am getting balance to my life. I feel that I have finally found the company to call home; again in the HVAC field. A company who values me for the gifts I bring to the table. A company who is allowing me to run my department as I wish to do, without any interference. Of course, in the beginning, it was a challenge; again, bringing order as I did with the previous companies I had worked for, but the difference was... I had full control to really shine! But, here I go again… BALANCE. How the hell can I find and balance everything I want to do, to include ME. --Just recently, I have set a precedence on and for myself on a personal level. The difference this time is that setting boundaries within my career, scheduling and making it all fit in order to MAKE time. Sure, I will admit that I have become a bit obsessive on “me” time, but it feels good to stand up for my personal/professional balance. Making time and keeping those boundaries.

Thank you to the universe for hearing my desires. Combining the universal energy of the law of attraction and my focused energy and attention allowed the path to be set and become a new habit.

Getting Fit!

I have had gym memberships and worked with various personal trainers throughout my adult life. I thought I was fit, but as time went on… I allowed life to take over and I swayed away from the fitness aspect of my life. I heard that 40 was the magic number when things started to really drop, but it was like, a snap of the fingers and BOOM, I realized the switch was flipping on me; fast!

Back in 2016, I got this thing called “frozen shoulder” -I couldn’t lift my left arm in front of my body any higher than my shoulder, nor could I put on my own bra. It sucked and was extremely debilitating. I was scared that I would never have use of my arm as I normally did. Not to mention, my weight had creeped up to 160 pounds. BTW, that was my full-term pregnancy weight back in 1996. Holy shit! What was happening to me?

I went to an orthopedic surgeon to get professional help. It was the first time I had and hoped to ever have an injection. I hate anything that is considered a “drug”, let alone injecting it into my body! It was  necessary, due to the alternate method. So, I started physical therapy and hired a personal trainer to get my fat ass (for me) back into shape and become truly healthy. My mind, and soul was in good shape, but my body. OMG, NO!!!! I am right-hand dominant, therefore, I got frozen shoulder due to non-utilization of my left arm. That will never happen again! I won’t let it!

My personal trainer and I are still going strong. The fact is my weight fluctuates between 145-150, but I have dropped 6% body fat and have slimmed back down to a size 4. I have ran a few 10K’s, finished a Spartan race, and am now going for the trifecta in 2019. I am excited for that! Each race is different, but it consists of roughly 30+ obstacles, and each race is either 3, 9, or 12 miles in the mud. Talk about “beasting” it! I may have to utilize specialized shoes, but I now run roughly about 15 miles a week and spin a few days a week. Can you say obsessive! Yes, I will admit that, but I am okay with that. I am not addicted to drugs or enabling bad habits. Yeah, being in my forties has made for some challenges, and I have had to overcome some injuries, but you can try to push me down for a bit! I will rise to the occasion no matter what! Bring it bitch, I will show you, just how strong and determined I am! Honestly, grateful for my trainer, and my strong drive to succeed.

What a journey this has been! A journey that I am grateful for! To my well being in my mind, body and soul!

Thank you!

Clarification

I had raised my children, and it was my turn to finish my education and start my career. I took a chance, and when I moved across country to Florida to start my career, I had no idea of the series of events that would take place.

I connected with a FL based company. Of course, it was in the HVAC field, and they desperately required a knowledgeable Controller. Therefore, I proceeded forward with an interview. Just so happens that they had a business partners in Seattle. That was convenient! In speaking with the owner of the company and he said, “Have you ever been to FL” “Why would you want to move here?” I, in that moment, didn’t understand why he would be asking me that, and I didn’t care. I wanted out of Cloudy, cold WA, and this was my “open door”. The interview was a success and an offer was presented, and I accepted. Therefore, I gave notice at my current employer, and away I went on my journey to FL. I drove there, it took 4 days. I love to drive, so the journey was fun.

When I arrived at my new job… OMG, what a mess! Luckily, my work ethic rose to the forefront and allowed me to shine; giving my job every bit if energy I had. I had to bring my “A” game in bringing my organization and standardization skills to this office. Honestly, the situation really consumed me, and at that time it was no big deal. I was here by myself; my family and home were back in Washington State. I could allow my job to take all my time. I did fly home a few times over the 6 months until my home sold, but the long and short of it is… my job consumed me. When I was hired, my job was to bring accuracy, to the accounting department, and implement policies, standardization and procedures. I was able to finalize those tasks, but unfortunately, that job wasn’t a good fit for me, and I left. It became a toxic environment and I had to make the choice of leaving before I secured employment with a new employer. A leap of faith!

With that experience, I realized (AGAIN) that in life, you must be careful what you ask for. I may have received the gift of moving to a sunnier/warmer location, and the career path that I excelled in, but that job soon became the steppingstone. A steppingstone to further clarification and in search of the “right employer” and the challenge in finding a new job.  

Think about what you want, ensure its crystal clear! Focus your energy, attention, and time on what you seek and let the universe unveil and work on the rest.

No time to stop!

Really? No time? That’s not true.

The truth is, I haven’t made time to blog. I have had higher priorities in my life, and quite honestly, I have been super busy living out in the real world. I have stopped and started to jot down a few sentences on a few topics, but it only got that far. Today is the day that I am officially on vacation, by myself and I am taking the time to go back to those topics and “catch up”. I am on a 11-hour flight… what better time to take that moment.

I made a commitment a long time ago to get back to blogging regularly, but I can see now, how unrealistic that was. I always start with good intentions, but that is where it stayed.

I will not make the statement that my situation will change to allow more time. I will say that I am on hiatus, and will get back to this eventually, but for now… I am focusing on higher priority things in my life. Things that are in my life, in this moment of time and space; I am choosing to be present in my life. This digital world is great, but I much prefer to be living and experiencing my life out in the world. I will check in from time to time, and maybe “catch up” again, but my priority is being out there, being me, and living in each and every moment, and experiencing all that I can!

What you don’t see

This is an old picture, but it represented an amazing analogy that hit home for me.

In society, people can be so judgmental!  Whether it’s the car you drive, your family, the clothes you wear, your house and/or the neighborhood you live in, either way it’s all inclusive of someone’s outward appearance. As a person who has experienced this first hand many moons ago, it is empowering to claim it, and recognize the gifts it gave me during that hardship.

Honestly, you never know how a person arrived where they are or if it’s what they want for themselves or frankly, why others are the way they are. What are the experiences, or reasons behind it? Is it because of their experiences, or is it generational following?

We as the “outsiders” have no idea of how deep one’s roots go. What I mean by roots is… experiences; cause and effects. We have no idea what happened to one another unless we were directly involved and present; or if it's a generational upbringing, or if it's how someone feels, unless they are willing to share openly and unfiltered… nor the scarring of those embedded experiences. 

How deep do other’s roots go? These roots you see, are from 1 of my trees that was cut down when we overhauled my backyard. The tree was a small, but a climbable tree, and these pieces are just a small portion that I was able to capture in this picture.

It was a reminder to me… It’s not what you see, and you never know by what’s on the surface, and you never know how deep things TRULY go! So, before you go JUDGING, try to stop yourself and try to be compassionate and humane. Your criticism could do further harm than good! Our society is cruel and so judgmental, I hope that collectively we as a human race can be aware of our actions and have compassion for each other.

Try holding out your hand for others in helping them up! Rather than be judgmental and pushing them down! Let’s show and be more loving! Imagine how the world would look, if we could just be good to others! You know that is how you want to be treated! So how can you expect that to be reciprocated, if you are not willing to be and act in that manner. ---You get what you give!

What are you giving to the world?

It's already October! Mid-October!!!

It seems that every year, I’m able to get a few posts in, and then the year flies by and before I realize it… only a few posts for the year. I miss blogging freely, and quite frankly, I am feeling restrained and have been for a while now, due to the challenges and situation with Jason’s ex-wife. In my experience, and this is my opinion, she is extremely slanderous, and uses any information that she gleams to hurt him. Therefore, sharing about my life is filtered. I do believe that will change at some point, and I will be able to openly share again.

So, if you know me, then you get the real deal up close and in person. BUT… I will be back to blogging “openly” soon!

Honestly, life has been good; no complaints! I’ve had my fair share of challenges. I’ve also had many triumphs! I am truly blessed, and extremely grateful! Work is good, life is good!

I wish nothing but love and light to everyone, and hope that no matter what is going on in your life, you find gratefulness for the things that are presently in your world. Even the challenges are gifts! It’s all about perspective!

Funky funk!

I’ve been so busy at work that I was working 7 days a week for… weeks! Granted Sunday was from home, but it was still work. Tirelessly I forged forward. I thought I will keep going until vacation comes, and then make the shift. So, I pushed, and pushed, and now… vacation has come and gone. It was 3 days of no work, no cell phone, and a whole lotta nothing! It was nice, but way too short. Too short in fact that I’m still tired. BUT am I tired, or just burnt out?

Honestly, I’m burnt out! I feel like I’m in a funk. Deep into this abyss of not caring what I eat, If I shower or do anything that really needs to get done. I am not motivated, and I just can’t make myself flip this switch. It feels as if I am just moving through the motions of day to day, but no plan in place. I feel tears arising as I write this, and I’m not even sure why, or what’s going on, but if writing this, and allowing the tears to shed help, then please let the waterworks flow.

Oh God, I am not sure how I let this happen, but can you please bring me back to myself? I cannot continue down this path. I feel like shit. I don’t feel like myself. I can fake it, but that’s exhausting! I understand that I put too much pressure on myself in keeping things aligned, and I let it go too far this time. I know that not going to the gym is contributing to this. I know that my eating my feelings isn’t helping. I know that I should do something, but for some reason can’t. It’s my excuse and I own that, but I feel like this funk has its hold on me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to get out of this. I know that I need a break, and I know that something must change. I am not trying very hard, I am just saying that I need too, but no actions are taking place. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to find my peace with this so I can move past whatever this is. I know that I let it go too far, despite all the warnings. I am sorry!

My promise to myself is to do something “quiet” for 30 minutes a day. Give my mind the rest of emptiness. Continue to get weekly entrainments and find a sense of peacefulness and stillness for myself. 30 minutes!

Are you grateful?

Honestly, I feel grateful every day. Some days more so than others but a long time ago, I discovered how life is so short. In a split-second, things could change and the once daily lifestyle you once knew can be changed forever.

Over the past few decades, I’ve been through some tragic experiences, and for many years, I was in a state of conscientious that was really a feeling of being outside of myself; wondering in awe on how these things could happen to me. That was my reality then, and now… due to some amazing people, and experiences in my life. I’ve done some very hard work. Some of it has been very painful to go through, some of it has been invigorating, some of it has been very effortless, and all of it has been very educational!

Honestly, the past year has been very overwhelming, and I haven’t truly been myself. I've had my moments, but my job has consumed me, and the important things to me have fell by the wayside. I’ve previously blogged about that and won’t go there again… but today I can feel the tears of joy coming back around again. It feels so good to feel that the Calvary has arrived, and relief is coming. I feel the energy of life coming through my body, and the joy of feeling truly grateful of yesterday, today and all the tomorrows to come. Truly grateful for everything!!!!

Therefore, I wanted to celebrate life with open arms, and love the moment for what it is. I wanted to share it with the world and my friends.

No matter how bad it gets, no matter what you feel today… remember to be grateful for this and every moment. Remember that if you give the energy to the things you want, then the universe will unfold it for you. Effortlessly!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love it!

Cheers!

Ever make a promise to yourself…

I remember not to long ago when I promised that I would not allow my job to overrun my life. I truly wanted to have balance. Well here I am again; my job has taken over. Why? How?

I feel like I am at a point in my life where, I’ve raised my kids. They are clear across the other side of the country, and their boys, so I never really hear from them as they are busy with their own lives. I’m thankful that they are independent and have their stuff all figured out. As to me, I have finished my education as far as I want to take it, and now it’s about my career, myself, and my relationships with others.

I started working with this company as an Office Manager, but the plan was that I would eventually step into the position of the Controller, once the Controller had left. So that has happened, and it’s amazing the things you find out when that other person leaves. Or shall I say how many things, I didn’t know about. I’m a fighter, and I jumped in with both feet. My challenge is that my staff are time clock watchers, and I feel that if you focused on the job instead of what time it was, then you would be more productive. So, since my staff are more about working their exact shift, it leaves the burden of the department on me. I’m the boss, I get paid the “big bucks” therefore the necessity of the department is my responsibility. What is upsetting, is that I’ve allowed it to get this far before I made changes. I’ve allowed it to overrun my life, my schedule, and intrude on those important things in my life. The past few months of changes have made my department very disruptive, and I’ve had times where I was in tears. That was a learning experience! Well, a few weeks ago, I decided that enough was enough, I was done. I’ve decided to become clear in what I want! AND I have… and when I did… the right people crossed my path.

The good news, is that I’ve finally hired someone to relieve me from the stress load of this job, I have a lot of things to do, and a longer of list of tasks that need to get handled, but I’m super excited for the transition, and happy that transition is on it’s way.

This is to me, for having the awareness that things aren’t right, and things need to change. This is to me, for having the wisdom to recognize that old patterns are… no, have creeped back into my life and it’s time to reclaim it back.

I have a short vacation planned for next week, another short cruise to the Bahamas, and an opportunity to jumpstart this change of reclaiming my “personal” life back.

Cheers to having a Saturday off, and some of my energy back to doing more of the things I love to do.

Work, work, work.

It’s been a busy year so far, and not much time to blog. Work has consumed me! Not good!

I keep telling myself that this too shall pass, and it will. Perseverance and persistence will overcome those challenges. I’m not a quitter, and I will get what I want… no matter what it takes!

Becoming clear, making concise decisions and determination will win this battle.

Cheers!

Wanted to, but never did!

Wanted to blog, but have been super busy. I realize that this my excuse, but I’ll own it, and say that work has consumed me! Yes, I allowed it, but staying focused is my mantra right now. It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve written. --Too long really!

Work has been nuts. Brian says that “I put most of it on myself” but I will always take accountability of my responsibilities, and always a team player! -I call it taking pride in what I produce, and be proud of what I’m doing. Most days, it feels as if I’m over my head, but my reality is, it’s a learning curve to understanding why things are the way they are. I may have been there for a year, but until your teacher is gone, you never know what you’re doing, until your riding solo. Trying to keep the balance between mind, body, and spirit hasn’t been going so well for me. Haven’t been to network care for at least 3 months, and it’s been 2 weeks since the gym. Burnt out at work, and feeling like I’m needing a break soon!

Therefore, I am thinking that in February I shall make my way to New Orleans or West Florida instead of going to CO like I always do in February. Something different. I want to stay in warm weather.

Getting back to myself is my utmost priority, and 2018 will be the year of transition, and progression for me and the things that are in my life.

Can’t wait to make it through to the other side of this craziness, and have structure and balance. I welcome 2018 with an open heart!!!

Cheers!

Oh Geez, GOD, please give me the strength!

I know that I enjoy a challenge, and I must learn to be careful what I ask for, but this is becoming too much. I am not sure if I will get through this.

Honestly, it’s not the question of will I get through this? It’s the question… will I keep the balance I’ve worked so hard to obtain. Ugh… I’ve worked so hard on this, and my goals, that I cannot allow this to take over. I just mustn’t!

I have more transition coming up, and things are about to become more of a challenge. Get your game face on, because the shit is about to become more real!

Oh, please help me find the strength, and the balance to keep my sanity through this entire transition.

Please help me get through the rest of the year. I’m on my knees begging and pleading to help me keep my composure and find the strength I need to make it out on the other side.

If you don't like something, change it!

I know that I’ve blogged about this before, but it's time to post a refresher. I offered to help a good friend with some advice on how to change certain aspects of their life. Bottom line is this... by changing what you focus on, you can shift your life. So, what you give energy and attention too, will grow! This is for you my friend, and for anyone else who happens to read this post.

If you change your verbiage, you WILL change your life. 

Contrast to Clarity... I cannot take the credit for this worksheet. I discovered this from a mentor who taught me a lot about the Universal Law of Attraction. -Thank you Michael Losier!

Some folks are so trapped in the negativity of their situation, that they cannot see what they want. Essentially, it’s easier for those folks to list everything you don’t want and/or don’t like. -1st. 

Honestly, no matter where you are, the gift you are giving yourself, is that you've already taken the first step... Awareness! The next step is ... how to make that shift. Again, change your verbiage, change your life! 

I utilize the CTC Worksheet to help make that shift from what I don’t like to the list of things I do like. 

                1)  On the top of the page… I am Manifesting and Attracting my                                   ideal______ In this blank space you will write what area you want                               to change.

                2) Then, on the list of Contrast on the left, write everything you don’t like                    about the  “blank” from #1

                3) The on the opposite side of the line, write “what do you want”

                    Example:  Contrast: I drink too much   }{    Clarity: I want to drink less

                                     Contrast: I work too much   }{    Clarity: Work less; play                                                                                                              more

                                     Contrast: Too stressed        }{    Clarity: Less stress

Once you’ve completed your list, I like to take it a step further…. What would it take to make those changes?

Contrast: I drink too much   }{    Clarity: I want to drink less

1) Buy only a 6 pack a week

2) Stop hanging out at bars/clubs

3) Drink water or something else while I’m out eating

Contrast: I work too much   }{    Clarity: I want to work less; play more

1) Find some outdoor/indoor activity that I can do a few days a week

2) Make a rule to take lunch EVERY day!

3) Make more friends that like to go do things without drinking

Contrast: Too stressed        }{    Clarity: Less stress

1) Make a rule to take lunch EVERY day!

2) Work until 5pm daily, and if you must stay late, only stay one hour and limit that to 2 days a week

3) Find a YOGA class that you can connect with the class/instructor

Do you want to take it up to another level??? The next step is visualization.
What would it feel like to have that ideal ______?
What would it look like to have that ideal ______?
Take some time each day or a few times a week to image and feel what it would feel like if you had your ideal _____. That in which you give energy and attention too, will GROW!

Remember, the in between "journey" will be challenging, but the goal should be your fire that lights the torch along the way to your ultimate "on fire" goal!

Along the way, and in the end, always.... HAVE GRATITUDE!

Love and Light beautiful people!
Cheers!

2016 -2017 Where did the time go?

I was just getting back into blogging again, and boom! Things change again. I guess it goes to show, how you can always count on change. Don’t get comfortable. Honestly, comfortable isn’t my thing anyway. I like to expand and grow as much as I can!

In the beginning of 2016, I was bored, hated my boss, my job and the energy that surround my professional surroundings. Then in July, I quit my job… best thing I ever did since moving to Miami.

August, I shifted things around and continued to work on the house and myself. Oh, and I committed to running a 10k… last time I committed to running, I injured myself, so I was a bit hesitant. After all, I wasn’t getting any younger.

September, started a new job… thank god for Law of Attraction! But a lesson in being careful what you ask for. Honestly, I’m not kidding anyone… I love my job! I especially love the environment and the integrity of the company and all the people who are here.

October, was a whirlwind of changes. New job, training hard, and still trying to find balance.

November, successfully ran my 10k and kicked ass! I was so motivated by the run, that I felt that I needed to up my anti. So, I was challenged to participate in the Spartan Races. So, I said… yes!

And from there life was just swept away. New job which I am absolutely in love with. Honestly, when you set your sight on what you want… it’s amazing how the universe goes to work for you. Of course, you must keep it within your sights all the same, but I couldn’t’ve asked for a more perfect job… ever! It was challenging… no it was seemingly impossible at first. Now in hindsight, all is better. I love the team that I’ve hired, and the changes we all have implemented in creating a free flow environment for my Accounting office.

I’ve completed the Spartan Race. I ranked 4^th in my age group for the heat I was in. Impressed with myself. I know that Josh, my incredible partner could’ve finished sooner as I slowed him down, but I can say that I loved it, and will probably do it again next year! Learned a few things, and will apply those next time.

Here we are in June. Life is slowing down at the office. I am finally at a point where I’ve claimed my weekends and evenings back. Finding balance between work and personal has become a thing in my present. It’s just amazing to me to take a step back, breathe and discover how it’s June. OMG, where did the time fly?

I hope to continue to blog, now that life has slowed down!

Love and Light

Going on a run and tweaking things!

Trained hard for 4 months, but not for the past 60 days, I've been so busy. I ran that 5k and a couple of times in the past few weeks... I know I got this! Just ignore the games of the mind and focus on your breathing rhythm.

Jeez, I have been so busy with the job! Time has escaped! What it's almost at the end of the year!

Things have slowed down a bit, and I'm starting to breathe better. Thank GOD! Tomorrows the 10K and I really don't want to run, but I know that as soon as I'm past mile 2... it becomes a cleansing thing for me.

Honestly, I am so glad that life is beginning to slow down. Yeah, I'm busy, but life is good. Now I can focus on getting back to the gym more than 1 day a week. 2 days at least!

Yesterday, I had the best entrainment! It's been a long time, I think 5 weeks. Too long!!!! Glad I'm starting to find my way back to being grounded. I was invited to participate in a vision board workshop. It's been a long time since I've done that.

It's time to bring in the inner focus again. Isn't that what grounding is all about?

Cheers!

On edge

So here it is... 1:30am. Can't sleep, feeling a bit tired, but my wheels are turning, and turning. STOP!

I feel as if there is so much on my plate, and I have no balance right now. All or nothing. How unhealthy is that? The last few days, I feel as if I'm gonna SNAP! It's been over 10 days since I was at the gym, but yesterday I finally made it back in; and I ran 5 miles. Today I met with my trainer (who kicked my ass -Thank you!), and Thursday and Saturday is boot camp. I'm still running that 10K in a few weeks... I'm ready for that for sure. Oh, I guess I did run the 5K last week. Short and slow run... more of a warm-up, but it was good fun!

I'm sorry, but how did I get here again? Actually, how did I let it happen. I truly am a workaholic, but it's time to back the fuck up!

I feel as if I'm ignoring myself, and the one's that I love. Work, work, work. WTF! Why?

I know I have a lot to do, but I've hired my staff, and I'm taking teeny tiny baby steps forward, but OMG it feels as if I'm not accomplishing what I want. Perhaps it's time to take another step back. BREATHE and just relax. A break would do me some good. Clear minded, focused and rested with the potential to be more productive. Yup, it's time.

Time to get off this edge, and come back to myself!

Time just escapes...

Life has been so super busy; buried in a big pile of sticks being piled on the fires. Yes, that's right, multiple fires. Everywhere! OMG!!! 

I enjoy it actually, but the work.. the "hard" work is real. Not really making time for blogging (often) Still working out at the gym, and running the blacklight 5k on Saturday, but I need to get away for a bit. 

Working a ton, making a ton of progress; slowly. Still working out a trying to keep my balance. I feel so energized, and on fire about my ideas and building this team, I think an entertainment is due. It's time to make time!

Opening my eyes

I expressed how much I didn't want to allow it to happen, and out of nowhere, I realized how it's starting to creep up on me. It meaning... don't allow the all or nothing to creep back in. Keep balance!

  

Today made me realize that I need to step back, take a deep breathe, and regroup. Stop "trying" to be super woman. Let's face it, I'm a fixer. I gave it a valiant effort, but am quickly realizing that the cycle is starting to begin again. Ahhhhh Nooooooo  

What gets my blood pumping is when someone informs me as to one thing, and the situation turns out to be something different. Therefore the repercussions are that I'm drowning! Super drowning! I feel as if the hole just gets deeper and deeper and the light becomes a tunnel that is becoming darker and smaller. I feel as if I can't breathe or even relax without figuring it out!  

I signed on to this project, and by the grace of GOD... I am going to make this happen. --Good News! I think I have a solution. Bottom line is that I require help.  

When I was working in Miami, somehow I made it work. Let's be honest... I was running all the time, but I made it work.  When I took that time off, I realized the importance of having balance. It felt really nice to fit it all in without compromising what was important to me. With the new job, it's about finding my rhythm again. Here we go... shifting! 

What I love about today... I realized the very moment that I started to compromise myself. Usually, it's weeks, months before I really see what is happening, and to flip the switch back is more challenging. Thank you for that realization!

So here's to finding my rhythm, finding balance, and not compromising the things that are a positive asset to me and my lifestyle.

Awakened

On the day of Awaken, Donny said to me, well actually to the Network doc who was entraining me “You know what her deal is, she loves the concept of awaken” What? I feel the most alive I’ve felt in my entire life! My eyes are open, I’m awake! WTF, what do you mean?

What is awaken? What is its true definition?

It’s a verb, its true definition is: to awake; waken.

Then Donny entrains me, or shall I say ROCKS MY WORLD!

Let’s take a step back. I want to encompass the entire picture here. -----Not too long ago, I blogged about a layer of tears lingering under the surface. I didn’t know what they were, or why they were present in that moment. I didn’t know why they had been triggered, or by what. I wasn’t questioning them either. I just knew they were there. Of course I wanted to know what they were, but more so, I wanted them to rise to the surface so that I could allow the feelings to be expressed. BUT NO, that never happened. Since the day I blogged, I’ve let them go; forgotten about them really. Honestly that day, they were very present to my body and since then, the feeling had subsided.

By the way, a big shout out to Donny. THANK YOU!!!!!

Okay, back to my kick ass entrainment… When I was on the table and Donny was telling me that the feeling of being awaken is not separate from me, invite them in and be one in unity. Okay, let’s bring my energy, attention and breath together. AND then… BOOM, just like that it happened, my mouth opened, and a very DEEP sound came from deep within; like it had just escaped freely from god knows where. Then the tears just flowed, and flowed. Snot flowed and more tears; uncontrollably I just allowed them to flow. I didn’t care what I looked like, this felt GOOD. I remember feeling someone tucking tissue into my hand (thank you) and needless to say… it just wasn't enough, but OMG... THANK YOU!!!!! After my entrainment, I was then carried to the floor, I curled up into the fetal position and continued to cry obsessively. It felt so good, like I was releasing something that had been shackled, and held back, but had finally been released. OMG sums it up!

After that moment, the bliss of truly being awakened was present. The love that filled my heart, my entire spiritual being was overflowing with gratitude. In that moment, I felt as if I was lighter in light and that I was on cloud infinity. I cannot ever remember a time, of ever feeling as if I did… in that very moment. 

To live a life in Awaken is a gift that I am so thankful for. I thought I was awake, but now I know different. I can see and feel the difference within my own soul. Thank you for this gift, thank you for the true spirit, thank you for the essence of light and thank god for being our creator. Life is heaven. Sure we may encounter challenging tests, but happiness is a choice, and love is always present. 

Give love, give life, live in peace and be true to your spirit.

Talk about trusting the process

I will try to keep this short.

Back in 2013 I started a conversation about a job in Miami. My potentially new boss asked me. Have you ever been to Miami? Do you know what it’s like here? My answer was simple. No, I’d never been to Miami, and I didn’t care. I could be happy no matter where I was, as long as it was warm and by the beach. He said “People are rude here” I remember thinking… How people are, and behave is on them. How I allow it to affect me or I react… is on me. My response to him was “There are rude, mean, pissy people no matter where you are in life” -I don’t allow others behavior affect my world. I knew it was a direct correlation of their world, and had nothing to do with me.  Anyhow, let’s get back on topic. 

I was assured that things were in order, and that just certain parts of the job were not being done, therefore, I accepted the position. I sold my home and moved across country. However, when I arrived here (I wish I would’ve taken a picture of the mess and the many multiple piles) things were NOT as stated. Long story short… despite being lied to, I stayed. I cleaned up and implemented and handled the things that needed to be done. They clearly needed my help!

In 2015, I was almost fired. Why? Because, I brought my ethical expertise into this office, and it was not how they operated. Nonetheless, I started to lose my drive for this company. I thought that over time, things would change. Nope! I continued to stay. Why? I had responsibilities. I couldn’t just stop paying those. My modus operandi is to follow the law ethically and honestly. I couldn’t perform my job at the level of professionalism in which I believed in, and little by little as I continued to stay there… I lost myself. My beliefs were still there, but I would second guess myself, I became self-conscious and dwindled into this cowardly soul. I realized that this job was sucking the life right out of me and I couldn’t allow it to continue. Dying a slow death where you lose the sense of who you are. No longer worth the trade. I was supposed to stay with this company until I retire, but I just couldn’t do it. 

So I quit. I took a leap of faith and just trusted that this was part of the process, and in the end… it will all work out. Scaaaary… OMG!

Trusting the process has given me the time away to regain my footing, find my courage again and become that rock I know that I am. I’m so excited to announce that I have found a job with a rock solid reputation; not only the company but the partners as well. They believe in being ethical and being on the up and up with technology and believes in being forward thinkers! This company is within biking distance (if I wanted) from my house and appreciates and considers me as an asset. They truly take care of their staff and I am so glad that I trusted my instincts, trusted the process, trusted myself and trusted that in the end when one door closes… another one will open.

Challenging my faith

Growing up in a strict Catholic household, my mother always was faithful in her beliefs, and living a religious lifestyle. Of course as a rebellious youth, I fought her on everything. I didn’t want to go to church on Sundays; especially Korean church. Ugh! No, please don’t make me!

It was only when I became a teenager, I willingly made the decision to choose Christianity. I fell in love with a local church (His Place) and the people involved within this community. Until one incident occurred back in 2001 that rocked my world; my beliefs.

Since that incident, my beliefs have shifted. I no longer believed in labels. I felt strongly that there was a higher power but to label it GOD was something I couldn’t stand behind any longer. However, from time to time I found myself praying. Asking the higher powers that be to assist me in one way or another. I found myself swaying to call upon GOD. It never felt right to say “higher power” --Dear Higher Power… no, it just didn’t work. I found myself, fighting myself on this belief that I had set for myself. Until now.
 

Just recently, I’ve been awakened to feel the love within, and understand that the higher power and god are one in the same. I have no idea why I was fighting this concept as I called “labels” but it feels good to just allow it to be what it is.

With all the love I have in my heart and soul, I understand that sometimes the concept(s) I’ve set for myself could be limitations or someone else’s beliefs. Staying true to my essence, spirit and love will lead the way. Lead me toward the path in which I’m to follow and trust the process.

Thank you for the true awakening!

Joy in my heart

Nothing but joy in my heart!

In everything I see, I feel the energy of joyfulness and love.

As I'm sitting here, waiting for my 4th entrainment, I can't help but feel the tears of joy running down my face, and throughout my heart, and soul. Love, love, love.

Namaste.

Emptiness

Emptiness... Space... Not in a negative way, or any kind of sadness, but a space of clearing. In a space of being content. A space with no thoughts, just peace, stillness and quiet.

Just being in the space of right here, right now. Being present in every moment.

The space in which has been created to make room for my future self.

Excited to meet my future self!

Celebrating and setting new goals

I am not always near an online connection, and in those times, I have a journal I sometimes write in. Truth be told, when the moment arises, I take advantage of the thoughts, emotions and feelings... I must jot them down. I wanted to share an entry I wrote back on April 17th, 2016. I believe this experience was so strong, I did blog about it too, but this entry that I wrote was a sense of massive frustration for me and a commitment to myself.

I wrote: I feel out of control. Why am I so out of control? Control of myself. I committed to stop a life-long habit, get healthier with my diet, exercise, balance, and quit my job.

Today as I sit here in Denver with no distractions, just time and space, I opened this journal to reflect and put down some thoughts. As I reread my earlier entry, I realized... I manifested those desires into my reality.

Ever bit of that entry has come to fruition.
1) I'm eating healthier. Not all the time, but 95% of the time. I deserve to indulge with my passion and love for food.
2) I finally did get the courage to quit my toxic job.
3) I have made BIG waves at the gym, as I've surpassed my original goals, and have now created new one's
4) I have ditched the life-long habit, and the desire is no longer present.

Time to set new goals. Time to be real about what I want. Time to manifest my future self.

Again as Michael Losier would say "what do you want"

Thank you for the reflections of the past, in order to celebrate the present.

Cheers!