Still finding my way.

At some point in my life I’ve developed these beliefs; these things that I thought I had to do in order to feel better with myself.  Where did they come from??? I have learned that everything in life is a learned behavior, but how did I develop this one belief? 

--What’s funny to me is that I’ve been telling myself that I should go back and get through my past experiences. Essentially feel and deal with those bottled emotions. Honestly, that’s what I’ve been doing in therapy for almost 2 decades. My perception and thought was… “Only then will I feel that deeper sense of myself.” I would tell myself… If I don’t help “me” then I cannot help others. But the truth of the matter is that I already am, I have been, and that will never stop.

Here’s to a FB post that allowed a very dear person in my life to provide a great perspective and unsolicited advice. True words of wisdom! –Thank you! 

HER ADVICE” MAYBE YOU SHOULD FORGET THE DOWN AND DIRTIER SHIT...SOMETIMES IT IS WISE TO MOVE FORWARD IN THE SERVICE TO OTHERS...YESTERDAYS ARE GONE” 

That concept has shifted my thinking in a different direction. Yes, moving forward. What does Kim want? Let’s start asking more quality questions about the future; my future self, instead of going backwards to old discoveries which don’t really matter for me today. Yes, those situations have affected me in some way or form, but just like my job… it does NOT define me!

Love & Light!

Cannot concentrate!

Have you ever wanted something, no NEEDED something, and no matter how much you desire it, it’s so far out of your realm of making it happen. Despite how many times you’ve tried and tried… it just isn’t happening. Grrr. I’m so frustrated; to the point that I can’t even concentrate anymore! At work especially! Trying to keep myself busy, but it’s getting beyond that point now.

Oh man, oh man, if only I could satisfy those desires and give into the temptation without feeling guilty. One day, I’m going to slip, and not be able to turn back time. The questions for me is: is it bad to give into something I’m not getting right here, right now? AND haven't been in a while!!!!

The inner most animal sense of me says no. The inner morality says yes. 

Ode to the highest power, please give me strength to carry on. I don’t know how I’m going to keep going like this, I feel as if I’m going to explode!

Tears

I feel this wave of tears behind my eyes. Actually, for a while now, it’s been a wall. -holding back something! I don’t know why and maybe I’m not supposed to know, but when I heard this song it released that wave of tears and in that moment, I realized that it’s time to start. Really start! 

Stop this little by little shit, and make the conscious decisions that you know you need to do, and just do it -them!

For too long I have been taking care of other things for other people, other people, and basically, NOT ME!

You can call me the cold hearted ruthless bitch, but I’m done! I’m done denying myself the things I desire, I ache for and cannot seem to live without any longer!

Change is a challenge, but if  I"M going to make a difference, then the conscious-ness of the shift must take place. Not tomorrow, TODAY!

Can you empathize with others?

I know that in some situations I can, and others, I simply cannot. It just depends on the context of the situation.

In a heated conversation, Jason said to me “You need to have more empathy” and I strongly disagreed with him. I cannot feel empathy for others in every situation, and that doesn’t make me a bad person. However, in certain situations, I am able to have empathy; there is a difference between empathy and sympathy. AND I always have sympathy for others. Even though the situation may be self-inflicted, or the person continues to be in the situation because they are “in” their own way.

For me, empathy is the ability to experience the feelings of another person. It goes beyond sympathy, which is caring and understanding for the suffering of others. Both words are used similarly and often interchangeably (incorrectly so) but differ subtly in their emotional meaning.

Here is the difference between the two

	Empathy	Sympathy
	Understanding what others are feeling because you have experienced it yourself or can put yourself in their shoes.	Acknowledging another person's emotional hardships and providing comfort and assurance.

I love you Jason. I love that you want me to care, and I do! I love people, I love to listen to their stories; trials and tribulations, and I love to share my experiences with others. Bottom line for me is… in the end we all want the same; to love and be loved, to succeed and be happy. I want this to come true for everyone, and imagine how the world would be a different place, if we all supported and loved each other. Instead of holding angry grudges and plotting vengeance against one another.

To the peace and oneness of the world!

To be truly loved for you

To be truly loved for you; not for what you can give or provide for others is what I feel a relationship should be based on. Okay among other things…communication is important and attraction too, but let’s be real here! AND --Don’t get me wrong, I get that we all have gifts that we share, and opposites attract. I get that I have things that I’m good and some areas that need attention, and so does my partner. Those are gifts that we can share with each other, but I’m not talking about those, I’m talking about materialism.

Today’s world is filled with so many materialistic, narcissistic, and selfish people who have some kind of agenda or ulterior motive. To meet the people who are honest and humble are a rare find, and I appreciate those individuals, and wished that this world was filled with more love towards one another. We all want to succeed, why not support one another!

For once in my life, I realize that my heart’s desire is to be loved for me, truly me. Maybe I have said that in the past, but the words and the heart’s desire of what the words really meant weren’t congruent. Now my heart is open to what my eyes see and I feel that for once in my life, I truly understand what that means!

I feel that my man does love me for me, and I’m so lucky and grateful he does. Honestly, there is no reservations about our relationship there. Except, it takes a strong person to be in a relationship with me, and I know this about myself. Although things have changed within me as I continue to grow, I know that I’m pretty stubborn. Yay to awareness!

My opinion is to get clear on what you want in a relationship; not only the outward appearances, but in the innards as well. Are you treated with respect? Does your partner carry, or support you? Do you feel loved? Do they make you feel like you are the only person they desire to be with for the rest of their lives? And the most important one to me is; do you have fun together?  For me… playing, laughing are important aspects of a relationship that is thriving!

The saying goes… actions speak louder than words. Although words still effect how you feel, the actions always speak louder!

Love and Light!

What if you feel it’s over, but it’s hard to decide if it really is.

So much has changed, and this roller coaster of a life has really taken me on some twisty turns over the past several years.

I feel as if the timing was, and is… all wrong. I had a gap of time where I fell. I allowed myself to get sucked into his life, his drama, and his conservative ways. Don’t get me wrong I’m frugal too, but I love to have fun, smile, laugh, play and just be in the moment.

Honestly, I want to work on me, and to do it while I’m in a relationship doesn’t feel right. I feel that I got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons, and at the wrong time. But in reality, I allowed it to happen, and I don’t want to hurt him.

When I met him, I had been on this intense journey of processing those old wounds. I admittedly have fallen off the path, but now that my vision has cleared and the path is clear… I feel torn. Torn between being in a relationship and working on me without boundaries.

I recognize that in the past, I loved to “fix” people. Now, that my perspective has changed. I don’t want to fix people any more, I want to share my experiences, and my knowledge with others, so they can decide what they want to do.

I love him immensely, but a big part of me has changed. I feel as if I’ve grown so far apart from what feels good anymore… it feels difficult for me to continue staying with this “wonderful” man who I know loves me. He loves me dearly, and I love him, but a major part of me feels as if I’m ready to throw the towel in. AND I mean READY!!

I used to be this social outgoing butterfly, who loved to hear about other people’s experiences. I realize that life changes and we grow; which I’ve done, but I want to go and discover myself. Truly who I am down deep to the core. I want to be that better person who doesn’t bring forth the baggage that I carry. I’ve let go a lot, but there is so much there to get through still. Deep seeded memories that I truly want to process.

Can I do that and continue in this relationship? 

Blogging it out to the universe in hopes that those answers in which I'm seeking will reveal themselves. 

Funny what you think you know, but you really don’t!

I can remember a time when I was slim. Of course, it was when I was a child – young adult; before I had children. Even after I had my first baby... I was fortunate enough to have bounced back to the same slender gal I was prior to child birth. I was young, that may have had something to do with it. But with my second, I wasn’t as fortunate. I don’t remember exactly how much I weighed, but I wasn’t that size 2 anymore. If I remember correctly, I was like a size 10.  Nonetheless, I’ve lost that weight and honestly I don’t know what “size” I am anymore. Today’s clothes sizes are all over the board. I’ve seen jeans that say they are a size 4 but back in the 90’s that was a size 8. So I cannot say what “size” I am anymore. I will say that I’m not where I want to be. Definitely not a size 2. Not that I want to be a specific size anymore. To me it’s more about HEALTH.

You’re never taught the importance of health in school, of course that was when PE was still a class. That was the only exercise you did during the school day, unless you were in sports. Fortunately for me, I had the beautiful ocean of HI and I participated in track for some time. But growing up, I never truly received any valuable information on being “healthy” and what that meant.

In 2007 at a personal development conference, I met Bill Phillips. I was intrigued, and amazed at what I learned about my eating habits. Of course he challenged all of us to participate in the “Body for Life Challenge” and I am so grateful for that experience because he absolutely changed my perspective of food; not to mention the shift of consciences in what I was doing to my body.

I can remember coming home and opening all the cupboards to throw out anything pre-packaged. No more mac and cheese, top ramen, canned foods or processed anything. I was married at the time, and I remember my in laws asking if we were going to throw out all the food. “Of course I was” and I expressed what I had learned, and that they should think about it too. Nope, they wanted the food I was throwing out, despite how bad it was for you. To each their own. Who am I to deny them? Therefore they boxed it up, and took it away.

Despite me knowing all this, my diet has stayed somewhat healthy. I still do not eat boxed, pre-packaged meals, canned foods, or anything processed. I will admit that I indulged in sugary treats that are baked/made with processed “crap” and have indulged in some fast food, but everything in moderation. I still continue to juice daily with my Vitamix.

Not an excuse, but I have had so many changes in my life during 2008-2015, that somewhere along the way I fell off track. I’m not at all a size 10, but my jeans that fit me several years ago are very-very tight. I’ve broke down and bought a few pairs of “fat” pants just so I can be comfortable. Nope, no more, I vowed to make a change just recently, and I have. BUT now, it’s time to kick it into higher gear. I’m ready to be “fit” again. To take my body fat back down to 14%

Okay… reeling myself back onto topic here.

I thought 80% of losing weight was what you put in your mouth. Wrong! –Yes, it’s a big part of it, but that equation is wrong.

I thought if I did cardio, I would drop my weight. Wrong! Sure I’ve lost some weight, and inches, but that isn’t a structural change within my body.

Today, I met with a personal trainer to assist me in reaching my goals. I learned a lot. I learned that I must tweak some things, and I can achieve my goals.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the strong desire to turn to a professional who is educated in this field. I want to ensure that the hard work I’m doing is going to pay off, and now that I have been debunked on what I thought I knew… I can’t wait to see even better results for all my hard work. Goes to show, I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t.

Thank you for the people that are experts in their field.

Thank you for the drive to be better 

Thank you for keeping it real

Thank you in willing to do the "hard" work. -No lipo, augmentation, pills/potions

Thank you for the awareness of my body

Thank you

Celebrating! --quiet, empty space.

I must admit that I’ve been here before.

                  Quiet-ness.....  but never like this!

Or maybe I must recognize that I’m evolving deeper and deeper with greater perception.

In the past when my mind was running a thousand miles a minute, and I finally found that empty space it was like ahhhhhhhh; like the angels were singing. BUT this time it’s different. I’m thoroughly enjoying the quiet empty space. I recognize that the minds chatter is there and wanting to play, but I can consciously shift it without resistance.

In this stillness, I was in awe over the moon on Monday morning when I was driving to work. The moon was so full; with such vibrancy in its divine light. I enjoyed the space around me as I felt so open and quiet. Again ahhhhhhh! 

The time and space of being still, enjoying my breath, and loving what is… is simply amazing!

Love and light to all the beautiful people of the world.