I feel as if the timing was, and is… all wrong. I had a gap of time
where I fell. I allowed myself to get sucked into his life, his drama, and his
conservative ways. Don’t get me wrong I’m frugal too, but I love to have fun,
smile, laugh, play and just be in the moment.
Honestly, I want to work on me, and to do it while I’m in a
relationship doesn’t feel right. I feel that I got into this relationship for
all the wrong reasons, and at the wrong time. But in reality, I allowed it to
happen, and I don’t want to hurt him.
When I met him, I had been on this intense journey of processing those
old wounds. I admittedly have fallen off the path, but now that my vision has
cleared and the path is clear… I feel torn. Torn between being in a
relationship and working on me without boundaries.
I recognize that in the past, I loved to “fix” people. Now, that my
perspective has changed. I don’t want to fix people any more, I want to share
my experiences, and my knowledge with others, so they can decide what they want
to do.
I love him immensely, but a big part of me has changed. I feel as if I’ve
grown so far apart from what feels good anymore… it feels difficult for me to
continue staying with this “wonderful” man who I know loves me. He loves me
dearly, and I love him, but a major part of me feels as if I’m ready to throw
the towel in. AND I mean READY!!
I used to be this social outgoing butterfly, who loved to hear about
other people’s experiences. I realize that life changes and we grow; which I’ve
done, but I want to go and discover myself. Truly who I am down deep to the
core. I want to be that better person who doesn’t bring forth the baggage that
I carry. I’ve let go a lot, but there is so much there to get through still.
Deep seeded memories that I truly want to process.
Can I do that and continue in this relationship?
Blogging it out to the universe in hopes that those answers in which I'm seeking will reveal themselves.
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