Negative Nelly

I have realized that I have slipped into some very old patterns and have become very negative in my lifestyle “on most days” –AGAIN!

My saving grace is that awareness is key and knowledge is power but my question is… how did I arrive here again and why?

I am very fortunate to be where I am in my life. I can’t complain about where I am, but for some reason I let life get the best of me sometimes. I will admit that I do have some very good days and consciously I’m making a valiant effort in making the necessary changes to bring myself back to center. BUT I am having a challenging time finding the strength and power to make that happen. Maybe, no honestly I’m not there yet to make that change but I know deep in my heart that it’s there bubbling to the surface! –It’s coming!!!! 

I can honestly say that both my kids are doing very well, life is good, just bought a new car (love it), I have a roof over my head, great man in my life, great roommates, great dog in my life, good job, and I could keep going but honestly I’m at work and I can stray from what I really want to blog about.

For now…

My #1 why would be my job: I love my job don’t get me wrong, and I am very fortunate to have found this job, but I have a boss who is “I swear” Bi-polar. (I’m bipolar, so I can recognize the symptoms) One day he makes a decision and other days he retracts his decision. He can give you 3 different answers to your one question. He stands in the way of his staff, okay maybe only me… of doing my job. He is against laws and will cut corners and do what he wants anyways. He needs to be recognized and have the spot light on himself, as he loves the attention. I see that everyone in my office kisses his ass; no way, not me! I’m not an ass kisser nor will I ever choose to be one. Honestly, he does have a super big heart and truly has compassion for people but in all reality, he needs to let the people he hires to do their jobs. We are here to make him more successful and protect him from any kind of harm. Not to mention my job works me hard and with high expectations. When I first arrived here last year, I was gung-ho and now with so many road blocks and shut-outs, I’ve lost my spark for this company. Frankly, I just do my job and am no longer interested in going above the call of duty. I guess that comes with the territory but finding the balance will assist with the craziness!

My#2 is my relationship: some days I feel like I’d rather be alone in my life on my terms again. I miss that! Maybe just maybe if I branch out and make more friends and DO more, I feel that this may change. Right now I’m feeling like I came out of a very dramatic relationship, and jumped into another relationship without much time to really complete my time to get to know myself on a deeper level. Again, I need more balance. 

My#3 is my home: I HATE renting! I have the money for a house but cannot seem to find the right fit. I’m rushing it! I need to s-l-o-w down and trust the process and just know that the right house is coming around the bend for me. Also my landlords are assholes!!!!!!!!! -with a capitol “A” The yard isn’t a good fit for my 4 legged baby, and no dog door! The garage is too small and my truck doesn’t fit by 2 inches. Grrrrrr!

I live in sunny Florida, and I love it here and I don’t want to keep ranting but to me, this is a good start to the answers of my questions. I will keep pondering this question and equivocally the answers will arrive in their own timing. Trust the process, use the knowledge of knowing, and trust that you have the power to change all that is.

Adapting to your environment

It’s amazing to me how humankind with such a diversity of amazing gifts can sometimes sabotage their own personal growth unintentionally and unconsciously.

In this ever evolving roller coaster of life, we can either learn to adapt or fight it. What do you choose? Me personally, I can remember a time when I used to fight it. Until… at some point in life I finally came to the realization that things change for a reason. Back then I would think… why fix it, if it’s not broken? -It’s comfortable right. But what really is our comfort zone?

I realize (from experience) that change is uncomfortable and very challenging but for the most part, it’s easier said than done but... change is where the stretching and growth occurs.

Do you wish to stay where you are, or do you want to grow and stretch?

This topic can go in so many directions, but the one thing I want to bring home is how nature no matter how bad things may get or how good things are… it ALWAYS adapts.

This is an amazing example!

Think of a river that flows ever so greatly… then all of a sudden something dramatic happens and something creates a blockage of the flow of the water. Does the water stomp and kick and throw a tantrum? Does the flow of water recruit to remove the blockage? No, it just adapts to the new changes and find another way to continue the flow of water.

 

The challenge question I have for you is how well do you adapt to changes in your life?

I hope that this scenario will assist you to have a better understanding of adapting to changes, and that change is a challenge, but in the end I hope you see that it will be TOTALLY WORTH IT!

That magical number

When I was younger, it was never my intentions of having children. But the powers that be, had a different path for me… sort of a detour per say. AND in looking back, I realized that I’ve lived a life of scheduled craziness; mother hood and finding the balance between career, kids, social life and death. IT has been worth all the hard work, but now, it’s time for me and my career. It’s time for me… and my dog MIA. I thought it would feel amazing… my boys out living on their own terms, me turning 38; that magical number feels no different.  Lately, I have become aware of the things that challenge me. Finding the balance in my life has been brought up too. Actually… top priority. Now that both my boys are gone… Goodness they are 18 and 21. How amazing is that? I don’t feel old enough to have kids that age, but the truth is, I am. Simply amazing!

 

But to stay on track here, I MUST STAY FOCUSED. Find the balance. Peace, Protection, Harmony, Gratitude, Wealth, Love and Life. The truth will always keep your conscience clear. I feel so at peace today. In harmony! Tomorrow isn’t only my birthday, it, marks a significant life altering decision to once and for all… stomp out the old habits. -for good. Time to create new ones. Tomorrow is a new day... the line has been drawn in the sand. -Time to SRI. -For sure Stage 1. 

#1 Focus is for me… to make time for me. -First and foremost. I’m a workaholic. I’ve realized that my inner core needs some things to change too. 

I feel like my last relationship was a major bump… aaaaaa pot hole in my focus, and I’ve just now figured it out. -after the fact. BUT I am doing the things that are healthy for me; get back to those habits that benefit and serve a purpose. Essentially I’ve detoured away from getting down deep and dirty with my inner “crap” 

Happy to see with new eyes, now there’s no hiding. I can get “real” with myself and my inner world. Outer world… I have so many things to be grateful for… and I am. BUT my inner world feels a bit disconnected. It’s nice to create space and time. All I gotta say is… Lay down flat, breathe in through your nose and out of your mouth. Really get in touch with Stage 1 and get connected! And for me, it’s getting connected again. But just a little deeper. AGAIN!   

Sometimes steps back to see, can be an eye opening experience. -a different perspective.

Thank you to the “reset” button, awareness, gratitude, patience, strength, friends, love and laughter.

Today is the day. Time to draw the line.

I viewed my blog a few weeks ago and was amazed by my posts for 2012 and the time that had lapsed since my last post. I started this blog with the intention that someday... my experiences and my openness to share those, would give another strength, insight or hope. But I've neglected to blog, and NO excuses, but honestly, I had moved, put the house for sale, drove across the country for my new job and had been involved in my relationship with Jason. Actually... according to my last post, I can honestly say I had been sucked into the drama with him and his ex and their legal crap. So glad I'm finished with that! -Life is peaceful in my outside world. I have been in a time capsule that gobbled up an entire year and a half. -Too long! Usually I'm pretty good at finding the balance, but sometimes there are times where I just don't keep my focus. Either way, today is the day to turn the page.

Sooo. it has been a few weeks in coming, but I made the decision a few weeks ago to make some changes, change a habit, and create new habits. I KNOW I'm capable, I just gotta stay focused!

The truth is... usually when there are major time gaps between posts, and I'm not blogging, I'm typically writing in my journal; but this time was a little different. The last gate I've attended was in Colorado, back in February 2013. I'm sure it was amazing, but I don't remember. It's been too long. Luckily, I did go to a Super Saturday with my wife, Thank you Rhythms for the eye opening experience, and Sandy for the thoughtful gift.

I  have been so busy with my job. AGAIN, so busy, that now the time gobbler is work. Even with everything that has been going on with working, I officially complete my MBA, and now considering my CPA's license. I don't want to be a Financial Controller for my entire career. Boring! But this new job of mine... What a whirlwind... my new job was in Florida, so I gave notice at Samish, crammed all I owned as far as personal belongings in my car, and drove across country to FL for a new stepping stone along my career path.

I love that I can utilize my gifts for others, and I personally love the challenge, but... I'm curious as to why my career path, including the majority of my freelance work leads me to companies who have a major mess in the Accounting. I personally love the challenge of taking a very broken Accounting system, and having the gratification of fixing it. BUT... It's stressful in the beginning, but honestly, I don't want this to be my last stone along my career path, and I'm not sure what the future may hold, but I don't think I've hit my ceiling potential. Limitless and after living here... I MUST learn Spanish. I think it will also be a benefit as I continue forward. Excited for my future. As for my JOB: Wow is it a a job! Walked into a MAJOR mess, still cleaning. Not only did they upgrade to an entirely new Accounting system, they incorporated a new program for dispatching, and integrated all of that into QB. There are some definite challenges with the Board of Directors and Congruency in what they say and do but, with the team support, we have made some major strides. There is so many things that need to be done still, and I don't see me being without something to do, correct or implement for at least 2 years. Hard to believe that my 1 year anniversary date of hire is coming up right around the corner. Time flies... especially  when your super involved in a project, or projects. Either way, life is good at work. Interesting enough I got a call on my company cell phone on Friday from Jason's ex wife.

Some people... we can't control other peoples reasoning, actions or even pretend to understand them, but what astonishes me is that even after Jason and I broke-up, Jason's drama is still in my life. But choosing to let it fall away and leaving it to the universal energies to handle it cosmically with karma...  is my saving grace. I'm at peace with leaving things alone.

Well it's Sunday, and Tyler and I are staying in today. We thought it would be fun to make cappuccino brownies, and watch a movie.  So I'm choosing to take a moment to taking those action in getting out and make more friends.

Speaking of... Tyler and I are getting on a Cruise Ship next weekend, were getting on board and spending the day exploring the ship, grabbing a bite to eat with my friend Manuela and her husband Carey. It will be fun to check out before our cruise to the Bahamas later this year.

I love that I'm so close to the cruise ports, airports, beaches, everglades, and the city. This is exactly what I needed. A change in my environment. I was eager to get out of Washington. I miss WA, and the hiking, lakes, and beautiful scenery but I am done with the allergies, rain and cold weather. I was starving for the the warm sunny beaches.

How I arrived here, and my entire journey of how I arrived is simply amazing to me. AND to think it all started one night when I woke up in the middle of the night, and after laying there for a bit, not being able to fall asleep... I got up, played online for a bit and applied for a few jobs that looked interesting and would be a better opportunity. Once again, the universal energy shows up and confirms my beliefs in alignment, congruency, and the law of attraction.

Respecting the higher power of universal energy... deeper and deeper.

I'm back! AND I can't wait to see where my path is leading me.

Truth for what it is

As the girlfriend of my wonderful partner, I just cannot stay quiet any longer. I have been patient with all of this but I am now venting from a perspective I feel is appropriate for this situation. I am so beside myself that this anger and drama is in my life at the hands of someone else; I am so enraged at how my partner’s ex-wife is seeking out ways to catastrophically ruin his life and career. All because she has created this story that she truly wholeheartedly believes. Just because it is untrue, doesn’t mean it’s untrue in her mind; she is mentally unstable and in my opinion, emotionally hurt that my partner no longer has any desire to stay in an abusive and hurtful relationship. Using the kids and threats to keep him in a situation that is self-destructive is certainly unhealthy and I am SO proud to see him grow to a point to take a stand. In my eyes… to see the path and have the courage to make those hard choices, takes guts!


As a victim myself of a child crime, a crime where the gentleman was never criminally prosecuted due to his age; made me so angry, angry with myself, my parents, and especially with the person who committed those acts against me. “An innocent child” What did I do, all my life growing-up, I self-destructed, and rebelled against everyone. The memories of the experience have stayed with me my entire life, and for the most part they don’t affect me as much as they used to, with the exception of the intimacy with my partner. Painfully there are intimate situations where I have to make myself listen to the “self-talk” telling myself that it’s OK. Honestly, no person should ever have to go through that, but the fact is there are some of us who do.

My partner has been kicked, kicked, kicked, and kicked and when he finally was able to become strong enough to pick himself up and walk away, he was threatened by his ex-wife that she would ruin his life. Despite the threats he left and continues to be drug through hell, because one woman can’t let go!

You can only kick a person so many times before they are going to get sick of it and start figuring out that they must take precautions and start protecting themselves.

What I don’t understand is why??? Pride??? If the stories she told were actually true, justice would have been done. You blame it on the loop holes in the law; look at the facts! The fact is he has proven time and time again that these stories are untrue. The truth of the matter is my partners ex-wife kicked him so many times and if he didn’t submit to what she was asking… then she would threaten him of taking his family away from him. Bottom-line. He did whatever she wanted and in the end he lost all of his children and lost a very promising career. Of course her children are going to believe whatever the she tells them. As children we are born to rely and trust our parents.

It’s just such a shame to see these kids lose a father who truly loves them; it’s a shame to see these children believe a lie that isn’t even true, and for all the years and time they will be without knowing the truth and having their own father in their life. He has sacrificed everything to just do what he thought was right for his children and his family; even in sacrificing his own beliefs and himself. I hope as human beings they grow up to have the desire to want to seek out the truth and see the true colors and actions that really did take place because one person couldn’t let go!

I love this man with all my heart and I will boldly say that love is NOT blind in this situation. I see and feel a deep connection with my partner that I know without a doubt in my mind that this is all about revenge and needing to find satisfaction and peace from something that is outside of oneself. That is truly sad to me. I feel sad for the generational errors that are being passed onto these children by just being in and around this type of behavior. We are born innocent but we learn from what we see.

Time will pass and the truth will be revealed for what it really is. We have decided to not get swallowed into the drama and publicity that is knocking at our door. We just don't have the desire to give any energy into this "crap"

To see the beauty in all that is.

Sometimes in life I feel like crap, and when I get in that particular frame of mind, my perspective of all that is, is just that “crap” I dislike this, I don’t like that, I don’t want to do this or that, and it seems like things just fester and fester. No matter how hard anyone tries, I simply cannot be happy. In those moments, I forget that you get what you give and that is why those incidents and situations keep building and building; as if the world is against me. Then…

At some point when I’ve had enough of myself wallowing in my own crap, I realize where I am, and I hit the reset button to flip the switch! Some days are more of a challenge for that to happen but for the most part, I remember what I’ve learned about Law of Attraction and make that conscience shift.

I do love it when that happens, because, only then can I have that renewed sense of reality and perception to see things for what they are. –Exactly in that moment; every moment really!

Living here in Washington State is beautiful! The seasons are beautiful! The colors of nature are simply amazing! How life can just move so effortlessly and how if you change your perception consciously the paradigm shift in life shifts with you.

Just a short note to share that paradigm shift, it can happen. You must make the choice to change and just do it. If it seems to be a challenge for you, just fake it until you make it! Eventually you will change those firing patterns in your brain and it will just become effortless! Change is not easy, trust me! But it is worth every ounce of effort you put into it.

Love and Light!

What level of it do you have???

I can remember a time when I was being swallowed whole by the drama in my life. It felt like I was drowning. Boy, am I ever so grateful to have moved beyond that and be able to look back and see that experience for what it gave me. The gifts you are given during the times in which you least expect… are the greatest gifts for growing. It may have been growing pains, but I’d rather be growing any way than staying stationary and stagnant.

Honestly, if I was to take inventory of where I am right now, I would say that I am at peace with myself. Letting go has been a wonderful gift. Awareness of new boundaries has also been an incredible gift. In all the times that I have been hurt, each and every one has given me a lesson to learn about myself and another experience to share with others.

I love my partner, but the drama gets old. The level of drama that is in my life because of my partner is unbelievable. Sometimes I can’t believe the lengths that some people will go to take vengeance out on another. I chalk it up to their perception and how they view things from their perspective. I just wish that everyone could just get along. Circumstances change and so do people.

This paradigm shift of life has given me something to think about. I live a frugal life; thankful from the roots of how I was raised. No but really thankful that I am no longer in that rut and materialistic living that kept me not satisfied with where I was and what was. Being in the moment and enjoy all of life’s precious gifts are more satisfying to me that driving a new car or having the latest and greatest. Although I deserve to have everything in my life that my heart desires, the gift of being content and satisfied is ever so relieving.

Thank you for life’s little moments and thank you for the chaos that sometimes comes before the storm. I am ever so grateful for the preciousness of the evolved universe in showing me my path.

Letting go and loving you! Are you doing that?

There is such a fine line and a strong distinction between learning to set “you” free by letting go and loving yourself. Loving “you” what does that mean?

For me… it means so many different things on so many different levels. On the surface it’s the easy stuff; good hygiene, healthy diet, exercise, and being presentable…etc. But let’s go a bit deeper shall we? What about setting healthy boundaries for you and others, maybe taking time out to get a massage or a pedicure, what about doing the things that bring a SMILE to your face or something you love!

On another level those things are good but I am talking about even deeper than that; on the inside. Breathe work and quieting down that “monkey mind” That’s what I call it anyways. It could be different for others but either way it’s the internal conversations that we have with ourselves on a conscience level. Should we, shouldn’t we… you know what I’m talking about right? Either way that internal dialogue we have can sometimes keep us in that comfort zone… that circle that we can draw about 2 feet around us. It’s what’s on the outside of that circle that allows us to grow and experience new things. (Some good and some not so good) but that’s a whole different topic.

I can remember a time that my mind would go and go and go and go and I swear no matter what I did, my mind wouldn’t ever just shut OFF! Our minds are amazing! How the internal filters work unconsciously and the ideas and creativity that evolve from our inner most thoughts or behaviors. With some conscience effort, just as I did, you can calm that monkey mind down so it’s more peaceful. But let’s really get down deep with our inner most habits that stop us from truly loving you for you.

In life some of us are taught things through the way our parents/peers live and do things, some of us are out of control and are at the mercy of the people in our lives or maybe not in our lives, maybe there are those of us who had to grow up and take on adult responsibility as a child, whatever the experience may be, it seems to me that we lose a bit of ourselves along the way and our sense of our importance falls by the wayside; sometimes taking care of others becomes first and foremost and we forget about ourselves.

Loving on all levels is very important to one’s health and well being. I would encourage you to turn off that TV, video game, ipad, or whatever it may be that is distracting you from listening to the core of our own spirit. If your quiet and give yourself some attention, the voice gets louder. Our deeper most inner self wants to be loved and nourished. I say take the time for you, even if it’s only 15 minutes. You deserve to be happy and isn’t that priceless? I think so and that’s why I am truly blessed and so grateful that the level of intelligence within me has grown beyond anything I would’ve ever imagined. To know that loving thy self is not only on the outside but also on the inside, and that I am doing what I need for ME!

I encourage you to take some time for “YOU”

Some people just never let go!

I understand that Anger goes deep; real deep! I also understand that no matter how much we love and forgive, anger will still exist. I know…I am speaking from my own personal experiences. I was angry for so long and at so many people. I am so happy that my renewed sense of energy has brought me to a higher level of spiritual understanding. Not godly… spiritual! There is a difference.

I am grateful that I am aware that I am past the High School attitude (most of the time… sometimes I have my moments of temporary brain lapse or just plain stupid-ness) but it absolutely amazes me to see adults acting like High School children. Honestly, I am talking about one individual in particular but if you look around you can see it happening all the time. Age doesn’t always make a difference. I have had the pleasure of knowing people from all walks of life and all ages that have revealed their true essence of maturity, and some who have not!

Today I am writing about my anger; it angers me to see adults use their children as a vehicle to use in the attempt of hurting someone else. Selfish acts of anger in my opinion. I feel so sad for the children who are part of this vicious game. -This is something that speaks true to my core, as I am one of those children that was used when I was younger; a pawn per say in an effort to hurt the other parent.

I am not going to pretend to try to understand why this behavior happens or even try to figure out why people do this. Bottom line is that it does NO good and it only hurts the child.

I WILL not keep this anger inside of me; I just felt compelled to voice my anger at this situation and hope that the child involved grows to see the truth behind ones actions and will see how this negative motivation is unhealthy.

Side note: I am so proud of Jason! -Kudos to you for shrugging this experience off and laughing at the actions of others. It took a lot of courage to make a go at this relationship with your daughter. I am so happy that you have a different perspective that allows you to see through the actions in order to see the true colors. I love you and it is a loss to those who don’t want to be around you. I love you for who you are and are SO excited at the path of self discovery that you’re on right now. All I can say is that you deserve happiness and I am glad that you are finally finding that in yourself and not on the outside influences!

Internal? or External?

How often do you listen to yourself? I don’t mean hear you actually verbalizing something out loud. I mean that “gut” feeling or internal intuition that you feel.

For me it has been so many times that I can’t even count them on my hands or my toes.

Who knew what that feeling was? Did someone teach you about that? Traditionally that is not something we learn in school, or even from our parents. Some families are evolved to understand what that internal voice is and have passed it onto their children. Some have NO idea! Well, that would be mine!

So many times in life I have just strolled along without really listening. Disconnected from my true core and just living on the surface of whatever my mind thought was important.

In living and experiencing the true desires of my core, I have discovered that there is more to life than just what I could think up in my mind. In all actuality my mind could be a very dangerous place; realistically creating road blocks and barriers of excuses of why this or that is NOT a good idea.

I am writing today to just acknowledge the gratefulness I have in understanding the internal language, to have the keen sense of hearing and the understanding to have the voice be so strong that I truly must listen. More lessons on how life has shown me that each and every experience has taught and brought me to a higher level and a deeper sense of connection.

Thaaaaaaaank You!

Boomerang it back and give me the strength to keep going!

Some days the challenges of the battle just fuel me, some days those very same challenges just drains me and I get so exhausted!

Time for this or that; no! -I don’t really have time for much and when I do have the time, I just want to veg out sometimes. I know that I need rest and rejuvenation to be re-fueled. Reset! Entrainments definitely help with the grounding and solidifying the core. Thank you for the tools that I have been shown; use the tools!

Boy, I cannot wait until the stuff that is heaped on my plate is completed and cleared off!

This morning, when I was driving into town, I found myself asking the almighty universe for the energy to continue on with this research project and preparation of the things that need to be done.

So this is me expanding my energy out to the universe… Allow it to unfold and boomerang back to me 10 fold with the answers and outcome in which I desire and deserve. I ask the almighty universe to assist me in finding the strength to pursue and purge forward. Please bring forth the courageousness that is needed to continue on this path and the courage to have the wisdom to let go when the timing is right.

Always smiling no matter what, but some days that smile is harder to allow to genuinely happen so freely, please show me the path and direction in which I am to be walking.

At what point do you just decide to give “it” up?

Sometimes in life I go with the flow and sometimes when the principle is just too much for me to let go, I push, push, and push. I am stubborn and I fight tooth and nail for what I believe in.

The universe has plans for everything but when is the point where you draw a line? At what point do you decide to give it up and let go? Fights are not easy. The challenges are the things that teach us something but sometimes for me it’s hard to know when enough is enough.

I think that there are tall tell signs but my eyes are so fixated on the goal and what I am trying to achieve that I just don’t see or have room to fluctuate away from my path.

Bad or Good?

Can be good, can be bad… sometimes very bad!

No answers for that, just a question today.

In remembrance

To remember the one man; in my youth, showed me compassion and that love was possible. Today would’ve been our 16 year anniversary, and I just want to take a moment to say thank you! Thank you for showing me that love was unconditional, caring and compassion is important and that life is full of surprises.

Our plans were that we would’ve grown old together and travel the world, but the almighty powers at hand had a different plan for us. A plan that I could’ve never imagined! I love you and miss you so much. At times I was angry for you leaving, but now I understand that it was not something I could control. I wish you were here to see your son; how he is the spitting image of you and how he has so many traits that amazingly have been passed on by sheer genes! Chase there will always be a place in my heart for you! –Always!

Oh what to do now???

For months now, I have been running at warp speed with this to do and that to do. Finally --I’m done!

It has been nice; I’ve been able to sloooow things down and get a bit more focused. Things I want to do vs. the thing I have to do. Live life and enjoy all the hard work that has been done.

After we finished up with the move and became more settled, I wanted to go play! So we have been; kayaking, horseback riding, festivals, put-zing around town and still dabbling a little with the things that need to be done around the house.

It is so important to have the balance, and I am so grateful that I have a renewed sense of life that I understand the importance of what has to be done and what can wait.

There is no race to the finish line and I can remember the times in my life when all I could do is; do, do, do, do, do and do! Boy, I am no Spring chicken anymore and I definitely understand the need for balance!

Thank you for everything that is in my life. Thank you for love, Thank you for the light in my life, Thank you for sun as the summer has been wonderful, Thank you for the lessons that have brought me to this new sense of reality, and thank you for the challenges that have made me grow as a person! Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you!!!!!

A gift for you too :-)

Oh thank you mother earth for the glorious SUN; the nutrients that you provide for all living things is abundantly given without any attachments. I am so thankful for you today. –everyday! The heat and the light that is given to all of us here on earth are such gifts and a selfless act of love.

Growing up on an island where the sun shine’s all the time was such a blessing. It's the best of both worlds... I live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and I have fallen in love with all of the seasons; seasons of growth and change. Honestly... boy oh boy do I miss the blessing of the sun being so warm all year long.

Thank you mother earth for all that you provide. Thank you for your selfless acts of generosity!

Love and Light

Truly Gifted Artist -Thank you Sarah!

Thank you to Sarah Forbes for creating the perfect pictures!

Last year when we attended the Anacortes Arts Festival we noticed your artwork and how beautiful and how the elements of the paintings really resonated with us. This year we set out a goal to find art pieces to add to our collection, and to our surprise, some of the pieces that you had displayed were the ones that resonated with us the most.

The room where we had pictured those to go, fit perfect; it was like it was meant to be!

Truly gifted -Thank you!

Count your blessings!

Every day I wake up, honestly I cannot say that I count my blessings. I don’t feel that I am ungrateful but I feel that my focus has shifted. It’s only when I have a moment to myself where there is nothing demanding my time when I take a moment to count my blessings.

Now That things have settled down, I must make a conscience shift to focus inwards again!

I feel that things have shifted so far out of whack that getting grounded again is going to take some very challenging work. I definitely have my work cut out for me. I do know that when I get back into routine again… it will all be worth the hard work it took to get there again.

Just want to say thank you for awareness and everything it brings into the “BIG” picture.

Thank you!

Oh boy here we go again!

One can only wish that the past would stay there.

Someday, I hope that a person of Jason’s past will realize that she needs to leave Jason alone!

Yes, they have children together, but his children want nothing to do with him “their own father” That’s sad to me and it pains me to see you hurting because of another person’s actions. Oh, but one can only imagine the lies; who knows what she has told those children to encourage them to feel this way. -That hurts! It hurts everyone around, but especially those children who are too young to see the truth. The silver lining is.. that one day they will!

I am so sorry that she feels "entitled" and cannot seem to understand that she needs to move on and figure stuff out for herself. She's married again, obviously she is a big girl! Act like one!

The only thing that I can say is the saving grace in all this is that… Jason is a stronger person now, and has finally realized that she is super toxic and is self serving. Her lies and her deceitful and mindless attempts to keep herself plugged in to his life. -Ignorance really

I love you Jason, and I am so happy that you can see things in a different perspective. Opening your mind and your heart has allowed you to see with different eyes! I love it!!!!! Almost as much as I love you!

I know that you love your children and it is hard to keep yourself in the loop with such a toxic individual who drains your joy. I always say it’s easier to blame others than it is to take a look in the mirror. Some people are survivors and others are victims, and I know that you have found a place of peace about this situation and that one day, maybe your children will seek the truth and find themselves back in your life.

I say this with confidence because I was in a similar position with my parents when I was too young to “see” or “know” the difference. -As children, we believe our parents. Then you grow up; and at some point, one starts to seek the truth about the past. It’s a natural process of who we are as humans. It just takes time. The bottom line is that in time things will unravel and the “truth” or shall I say “lies” will reveal themselves.

Living life through your heart not your mind

I am so grateful for the experiences in my life so far to date. Yes, really, all of them!

In my youth I was a victim; a great big giant one! I focused on the negative times whining and complaining, I am not sure if I was ever truly happy with anything back then. Never really was grateful for the good times even when in the moment. Honestly, I have had many lessons come and go and I never realized what it was I was supposed to learn, until after the fact when I would go back and reflect on the past or what I had written in my journal. Yep, I used to journal; it was something I needed to do to get those thoughts out of my mind. -At some point in my life I learned that stuffing those feelings and thoughts were super unhealthy! Thankful for that lesson!!!!!!

My journal was super private and it wasn’t something I wanted anybody to ever read; terrified if anyone ever read my most private thoughts! I guess I felt like someone would judge me for what was written. I used to be so afraid of other people’s thoughts of me… Thankful for the lesson to know that “I just don’t care anymore” I know now, that things just needed to evolve to a point where I could feel comfortable in sharing… which I did. I am so thankful for my mentors who taught me all about becoming a personal development coach. Thank you for giving me the opportunities in assisting others using the tools you have given me and the knowledge to help guide others through whatever they needed.

Now, I feel strongly and compelled to share how I am feeling about who I have grown and become because of those experiences as well as the clients and friends I have helped along the way. Truly those experiences have been a gift; to have crossed paths with such wonderful people, and you know who you are… but really, the courage it took to share your feelings and your most intimate circumstances with me. Kudos to you for having the strength and thank you! Not only did the situation get better for “you”, it taught me a ton about myself.

I feel that as I have grown, and learned to see with new eyes; giving me a different perspective was an outcome I could have never predicted! Once again, I have noticed that I have once again started to see things in an even broader perspective. Living life with love, love, love has enabled me to grow and see even more in life. Not only just “see” but to feel that deeper connection.

On one level or another all living things are connected and I am so grateful for the knowledge I have gained through everything and everyone. Thank you to knowing that I am loving every minute of life, every day!

Love and Light

How far is too far?

In these days, the support that is needed from others to assist your childs(rens) success is predominately needed, but how far is too far?

Do we support or enable?

I say support, but sometimes I see that it can be mistaken for enabling. The difference to me is…

Support: Assisting in the dreams and allowing the individual to make their own decisions. Also on that note, someone who is working with a “can do” attitude and is doing whatever needs to be done to make things happen for their own futures. Taking accountability! -Sometimes this is a challenge. In certain times in our lives, we must make a “tough” call and not allow the person to dictate what you should or shouldn’t do. Bottom line the best road isn’t always the easiest road. However in the long run, it will serve you better. –I promise! (Been there done that)

Enabling: To me enabling is doing something for someone over and over again. This person may not be doing very much or anything at all for themselves; they may continue on with their behavior, as if they just knew that someone was going to step in and pick up the pieces time and time again. In my experience in watching someone enable another, I see the lesson in which is given. That is NO lesson is being learned! -This subject is a touchy subject for me as I just get irritated about how others enable people to keep doing what they are doing with no consequences in their actions or behaviors! Bottom line: All it does is hurt the person even more by not allowing them to see the lesson that is put there for a purpose, ergo prolonging the ultimate reason why things are happening for a reason!

So how do you know if you are being supportive or enabling?

This to me has an easy answer, and I feel that I outlined it pretty clearly in my “own personal definitions”

But, just in case you need more clues... ask yourself this… Is my help really helping? What is it I’m really trying to help with? Is it just putting the floor back underneath where it was crumbling out? How many times have I had to do this?

Keep going…

I woke up this morning exhausted!

Can’t say that in all my years, I have ever experienced seven hours of sleep and woke up feeling like I just worked a super long day. -I am definitely starting to feel the affects of age. To those who are older than I am, I know I am considered young; and, I feel young! BUT OMG!!! Two weeks straight of just hard long days are helping me to feel like I am not. The challenging thing about this is that I still have a few more weeks of this. I tell myself that I have to keep going, but if I continue to feel like this in the morning… I will be so burnt out! Will I recover? I know our bodies are amazing and I know that I will, but I feel like I am running out of steam and running out fast!

Thank you to the help we had this weekend in getting us through this transition. Thank you for the experience in understanding that this is going to be the last for the time being and for that matter… the next 4-5 years!

I am excited about this new chapter and I know that I have definitely earned some time off to reap the rewards of all this hard work. –Just wish it could be here sooner.

Just a quick note to show my gratitude and to voice my exhaustion; I know that I will look back on this at some point and say “Boy am I glad that is over and YES, we made it!”

Thank you!

So proud!

To all the hard work and long days... Not to mention all the pulling out of my hair to keep him on task...

The day has finally come where CJ has graduated!

I am so proud of his hard work and proud to see that he has risen to the occasion to go out of his comfort zone to make this possible for himself.

Congratulation's CJ, You did it!

REALLY??? AGAIN???

Some days I feel like the old “TOXIC” patterns just jump back into motion before I realize they are even there.

Awareness is a marvelous thing but I get tired of the circular motion of repetitiveness. I know that we as human species are creatures of habit, but REALLY? Why is it that we can establish a new pattern, and out of the blue, the old ones keep showing up? -Again and again, and again.

I used to be so self destructive and hurtful to myself, I allowed the judgmental and emotional side of my feelings to feel unconfident about my life or secure about which direction I am headed in; some days it just wants to just take over and I have to play tug of war. I know otherwise that the sure tail signs are showing me that my heart is winning over the mind battle. And that the things I’m doing are just falling into place. Are they? Or are they being forged into motion and then they just fall where I point them to? Either way the saying is “Go all in or go home” I am definitely a fighter! Some say stubborn and in many ways that has been true, but now that I am old enough to see the difference “I think” to make wiser decisions about what I do or where I go. Don’t get me wrong the mistakes are still there. –They always will be!

I know in my experience with life coaching, that the law of attraction is super powerful! It can be utilized in a healthy manor, or it can also be used in an unhealthy manor.

 It’s challenging for me to remember that thoughts carry vibrations of energy. With those old patterns that weave in and out, I have a challenging time with harnessing those negative judgmental thoughts that create the vibrations of negative energy. Boy, and when I finally realize that I am in that state of mind, the shift that needs to happen can make all the difference.

 For me to live with my heart and not my mind makes the battle so much easier to fight.

 Some days I feel like I have a grip on them. Some days my minds monkey chatter gets the best of me and I just spiral down into the abyss until I have the ability to say “ENOUGH”

 I just wanted to share that we are all human and no matter how hard we strive to be better, the old toxic patterns WILL weave in and out trying to get you to cave in. Live with your heart and no matter what life will meet you where you stand! Just remember to keep getting up and keep having faith in yourself!


Love and Light!

Grrrrrrrr sometimes I MUST remember to breathe!

I was misled by someone in an area of expertise that I really was counting on, and this situation has had me using lots of energy and time to research and explore. I was so upset to find out that he gave me wrong information! It frustrates me and makes me very upset. 

OK… Just me venting but remembering to breathe; boy oh boy do I feel like I have been used.

Thank you for the love I have and the patience I carry to be understanding. I am crossing my fingers that I found a new individual who will take the time to research and explore my options to make this happen for me.

Love and Light!

Please say this is the final time!

Sometimes I can't help myself... I wonder what makes people do the things they do.  I know that I’m wasting my precious time on others… but it just baffles me on what the reasoning is behind this.

If you lie about something long enough, eventually one starts to believe that it’s the truth. - Scary!

I am so thankful that when a person finally decides to let go, they do so.

Now the question is... Does it really happen for good? In the past the words come out saying that this is going to take place but the actions seems to be just the opposite. Whatever happen to integrity and congruency? Boy am I thankful I live by my set of principles and clear boundaries for myself!

I hope that this is a permanent situation this time.

Finally Re-building!

So excited that after many experiences, trials and challenges... I finally have the opportunity to buy another home. Hooray for determination and perseverance! OOOOOh and I cannot forget "Hard Work"

Thank you for the experiences that have carried me to where I am today, I am truly grateful for all that is in my life.

Yes to the challenges that are here to teach me something and for all the easeness that is here as well to show me that a content and peaceful life is truly deserved!

Love and Light!

Life is so up and down!

I can remember the time when I was just separated and life was such a state of chaos. I was desperately trying so hard to save my credit and keep us in our current state; for the sake of myself and my children. -But at what expense? I lost myself mentally and emotionally so that I could afford 2 mortgages and make all the payments to the marital debt that was an accumulation of… well more than just my choices. 

Then finally one day I woke up and saw the reality of where this was going. -This, as in me. I was headed for a disaster. In actuality, I was already in it; I was just choosing to hang on to something that was slowly killing me. So much time had drifted and I found myself falling into some pretty bad situations that I had allowed myself to fall into so mindlessly. It was time to clean house; so I did!

I made some very big financial decisions that would affect me incredibly and it was time to move back to Burlington and find a mindless job… who really cares who I worked for as long as I could afford to make my house payment and take care of things in a responsible way without killing myself. The job I found was so easy, that I could do it in my sleep and no cares about it when I walked out the front door to go home. It was the perfect balance to the chaos that was happening in my life.

It has been so peaceful for so long that for some reason lately it seems that chaos has found its way back in. Not because of me but because of the man who is in my life. 

Is my mother right? My life is never complete unless there is chaos in it, or did I ask for this? The answer seems so painful to think about. Stop thinking about it right? No! I say process it and feel it and make informed decision about it.

What is the right decision, I guess if I knew that, then I wouldn’t be battling this thought and feeling the tears that arise when I can set my mind still and just feel it.

I feel chaos, I feel pain, and I feel so lost in my direction at this point, that sometimes I feel as if I am working backwards. Feel with my heart not my mind. God how I hate the monkey mind chatter that keeps going on back and forth; self doubt. 

Is this where I am the happiest? Is this where I want to be? I am doing what I want? Is this the right decision? Should I be doing this right now? Should I be the back bone for someone else? Shouldn’t I be looking out for me 1^st? –Yes! I am number one, first and foremost! How have I allowed myself to slip back into putting myself on the back burner? Make the change and be in control of myself. 

It’s funny how we change the course and sometimes we allow those old patterns to rise to the surface and take the reins. Recognition! Thank you for opening my eyes through my emotions.

In order to get up, we must fall down.

Remember to have faith in ourselves and glance back and see how much you have grown. Reflection is essential in growing and becoming stronger within in your own power.

Understanding that victimization is not the answer; everything that is happening, is all part of the path that we must be on in order to grow. 

After having a deep conversation with a friend, I am so thankful that he has gratefully succumbed to this path of understanding. 

There is a fundamental human need for companionship, for a sympathetic ear, for reassurance, for hearing our feelings and sentiments echoed back, for touching and being touched.

Being alone is sensory deprivation, slow torture, and our souls cry out for a kindred spirit, for the comfort that only a friend can give, for someone who can fill the emptiness, who can share the isolated moments of our existence.

Loneliness weakens the spirit. It consumes our strength and dims our inner flame and power. It tempts us to wallow in self pity, to descend into a kind of gloomy rapture, depressed and paralyzed, yet at the same time glorifying in our misery, suffering proudly in our own private hell. 

For all that, loneliness is a state of mind, a sickness of the soul rather than an external condition, and it is entirely within our power to fight it, and perhaps work towards healing it.

Resisting loneliness is more than a matter of “keeping busy” -immersing yourself in so many activities that you have no time to reflect on your sad state. It involves following your interests, improving your skills, developing yourself as a multifaceted individual. It means going out and meeting people, making contacts, learning to survive in a social context; get out of your comfort zone! It means living your dream. Not at some future time when you might be finally in a relationship, but here and now!

Aloneness is a riddle we must solve in order to be worthy of the compassion of others, and therein lies the central paradox of being alone. –That it can either ennoble, or degrade. 

The essential difference between aloneness and loneliness is the anguish, the acute hunger for the contact that the lonely suffer. 

Could we but consider solitude a necessary journey of discovery, a crisis that may ultimately purify and strengthen us, and then we would emerge from this dark night of soul uplifted and exalted, more fully realized and engaged as a person. Once comfortable in our own company, reconciled to the austere beauty of silence, or privacy of total self-sufficiency, only then can we travel onward and explore the horizons of interaction, of exchange, or binding with our fellow humans.

Why we do the things we do…

Sometimes… ok most of the time I sit back and wonder why we do the things we do. Actually; I wonder why other people do the things that they do. -I know that I will never find the answer to that but people never cease to AMAZE me!

What is it that drives us to take the actions and the course we decide on?

Is it emotions?

Is it our hearts desires?

Is it other people?

Is it love?

Is it sacrifice?

Is it passion?

Is it greed?

I remember a long time ago, I once was a people pleaser. -Yep hard to believe for those of you who know me now; I used to do what was cool to fit in. As a child I lived a very sheltered life. Strict! OMG strict Korean catholic household and it was never easy to bend the rules or get away with much.

As a teenager trying to fit in, I did what others wanted me to do; I was an easy target to manipulate. But somewhere along the course of time and my experiences I have developed a sense of direction, a sense of boundaries and rock solid love for myself. I am so grateful to know the difference of people pleasing and doing what is right in my heart of hearts.

This was not an easy journey for me. Like any journey is ever easy right? -Anyways… I’m 35 and I have come to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter. People are people and they are going do what they feel is the best decision. I laugh a lot at what people do, I get frustrated at times, but most of all I take everything with a grain of salt.

When I find myself giving my power and energy away to someone else’s actions, I just stop and take a deep long cleansing breath (maybe 2 or 3, however many it takes) and remember that this is my life and I’m in control of me and my actions. Other people are in charge of theirs and in the end everything will always work out. -Everything will work out. You’ll see!

Love yourself first; then reach out and love others! You will get what you give so reap what you sow and remember to love every moment of everything in your life as it IS part of the process.

Grateful for today!

Not so long ago I can remember being so far in the future and sometimes, so stuck in the past.

It’s sometimes hard to believe that I now live in the moment. I drift into the future and sometimes reminisce about the past but I never stay in either of those moments for too long; as the present moment is very important to me.

There is now a clear understanding of the “present moment” and what it truly means to be in it.

So many times in the past I have been given the education and the opportunity, yet I still missed the boat. Missing that great moment of seeing something so beautiful; because my mind wandered into areas that can be self destructive and disheartening

I see so many people who are stuck in one world or the other but cannot seem to grasp on the being here and now. That saddens me; I want to just show them a glimpse of what I know so that they would see for themselves.

Thank you for all the experiences and for all the times... I’ve missed the boat! Because of those moments; I am where I am today! Every experience has been a very valuable lesson that I can only get if I go through those crossroads and make a decision for the greater person in me.

Triad of Change and Re-organizational Healing

Yes another gate has passed and the thoughts are just rolling. So here it goes.

Have you ever been at a place in life where you feel “stuck?” Stuck in the day to day rituals of allowing time to pass but you feel as if you’re not going anywhere but around and around. Funny thing really… I know that I’ve been here before, but here I am again.

I accepted a job some time ago and about a year or so, I started struggling with that job. It was no longer congruent to my energy and I knew that I needed to quit; I wasn’t sure when but I knew what I needed to do. -The question was when? 

In September 2010 after a healing vortex journey, energetic healing massage in Sedona and some time to heal, when I arrived back in Washington and went to work the next day, I knew that I could no longer be in that environment; I was compelled with sadness; a sadness that brought tears to my eyes the entire time that I was there in the office. So I felt drawn to take a visit to my boss’s office and express my feelings of discontent with the position and that it was time to leave this job. It was so liberating to know what I was supposed to do, and just do it.

So here I am 4 months later and have had a lot of time to gather myself and get clearer of what I am to do here on this path. That was what I intended but I actually found myself at a place where I felt lost. Lost in my thoughts, lost in time and space of what I “SHOULD” be doing with my time. Some of that were old conditioned patterns trying to emerge again… “The conditioned patterns of you need to work hard to get anywhere” My only thought was to not think about it. Just let the energy flow as it may and in time, the path will reveal itself. Not sure how but it would happen when the timing is right.

My questions were… What is it that I should be doing? What do I love? Where should I focus my energy on? But no matter how many questions I asked I still felt discontent for myself and the path. I felt as if I put the intention out to the universe but I wasn’t receiving the answers or the signs. 

I went to the gate with those same questions and the intentions of the laser beam focus on what I wanted out of this gate. Not attached to the results but strong intentions.

This gate was a wonderful experience but most of all the Triad of change and re-organizational healing was very informative on my how my biological make up corresponds with the way I focus and utilize my energy. 

To understand that my Behavior is my prime, structure is my keystone and my drain is perception is such a concept to understand of how to put things in motion and to understand why I have been in such a rut for so long. The bottom line is that I have been in my mind and “thinking” about those questions when my modus operandi is of action. I knew that I say in my mind but to have the realization of understanding that is a different story.

Thank you for the path and the wisdom to see the doors open and not only that to say thank you for being an open receptor to allowing this change to take place. – I can’t wait to get home and do, do, do!

Thanks Wise World for this wonderful experience and thank you to the universe for unfolding these events. I’m also not going forget to say thank you to myself for “Showing up”

A time for thankfulness

I know that I was struggling back in 2008 and 2009. I know why, and I know what I was searching for.

 

In looking back over the past few years… I remember how many questions I had. I've learned... The quality of the question, determines the quality of the answer.  

This is my observation as of today… Not that many entries and even the journal entries in my offline journal are scarce as well. -Here’s to the gratefulness of discovering those answers and feeling good!  

Let it go!

In life it’s sometimes easy to hang on to those things that in our mind we “NEED” but really do we need that? Or is our mind trying to keep us complacent?

I remember when I was stuck on the idealization that I needed marijuana in order to get things done or to deal with certain situations in my life. In my mind I thought that it would give me energy, deeper thoughts and keep me on task. Lies after lies!

The reality is that I was comfortable; comfortable in staying in that frame of mind that I couldn’t see it any other way.

The truth is… once I got over the idea and the mind trap I was in, I understood that the minds job is to keep me comfortable. “Stay where you are and you will be fine”

So here’s the million dollar question… Do you really need _______?

(Those new shoes, to be in a destructive relationship, to lie)*It could be ANYTHING!

The most liberating thing you can do for yourself is have the “Awareness”

Then make those important decisions and get a plan of action.

But most important thing is… take baby steps! **Like a baby taking their first steps? They didn’t get up and run… They got up and stumbled before they even walked or even ran. No matter how many times you fall (and you will) just get up and do it again.

Have faith in yourself because you are a being of light on this planet and you will succeed.

With determination and perseverance anything can happen!