Where thinking gets me sometimes…

I realized the other day that I had not forgiven my estranged husband. I still had hard feelings for the situation I felt that I was forced into. How and why would anyone not communicate about the situation we put ourselves in? I feel that he couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on him as well as the overall situation itself. So he just left without letting me in about what his intentions were.

I’ll admit it; we pushed each others buttons and played TAG! I know that I will be accountable and honestly admit that I did. I had fear of our situation too.

In the beginning I had felt as if I could take on this debt load and without even thinking it through logically, I just went for it and tried to make it work. Selling, fixing and cleaning this mess up that I was left with. I did find some help along the way and those people came into my life to not only help me but to give me those extra learning lessons. -Tough lessons about money.

I feel that I have been living my life in a poverty consciousness because of my memories from my childhood and feeling as if I never have enough. Those thoughts, or shall I say habits? I have been ungrateful for the things I have in my life; instead of being thankful for what I did have. I’m learning that we are taught what we are exposed to. -Right? Were not born with knowing how to do much of anything in our life, we learned those things along the way; everything in life is a learning experience. It’s not anyone’s fault for not teaching u that. Actually it’s the other way around. I’m thankful that I have seen the light and can change it for generations to come.

Maybe the lesson in the next stepping stone for me in this chapter of my life is about money. I know that even with me going bankrupt that it can only get better from here forward and now that I have chosen to NOT care about what happens to Tom, I have opened myself up to healing.

In this life at this moment I am here to learn and discover ME, my power, who I am!

Harboring hate, anger, resentment, rage and revengefulness is poison to my body, and my number one priority in my life is to take care of my body through a healthy lifestyle and being conscience of what choices I make along with what goes into my body in every aspect. -External and Internal.

Awareness is the key and thank you for the clues along the way to assist me in discovering the things that I want in my life.

To the PROCESS of letting go…

WOW!

Who would’ve ever thought that the things we hold onto are sometimes unhealthy for us? I can say that I knew that but really where is that gonna get me? -A sense of pride…? Well PRIDE to me is… needing attention, greedy materialism, people who make mean choices towards others and etc.

I will admit that I have emotional attachments to some things in my life and letting go of these things are often a challenge for me. Listen to the heart? OR listen to the logic?

I’ve put so much hard work and love into these things and this one, was by far the biggest one in my life. Letting go of it, has made me very emotional… I think it’s because that wasn’t the plan…. However I just opened my eyes to the reality, and letting go is what I’ve decided, because it’s in the best interest for all of us. Starting over again… Not where I saw or planned for myself for sure. But I will accept it and make the best out of it.

Hmmmm, more lessons as to how much WE are NOT in control of our lives.

Staying focused

Remembering to focus on what you want… Not allowing the drama to come in… boy that is a challenge to remind ourselves exactly what drama is. “What deems the title to be something so negative?”

For me it’s… something that detours me from the desired destination. There will always be activities that keep us busy instead of allowing us to stay on track with what we want, therefore not allowing room for any changes to happen.

Yes we have some things in our life that we just do because it’s part of daily living. But so does our sub conscience mind. -Right?

Did you know that our sub conscience mind handles our bodily functions? Heart beating to pump your White and Red blood cells through your body, Digestion, and a filter for the brain… The human brain is our cognitive/conscience mind. The part of the mind that allows us to choose how we use our talents, creativity, action/reaction, decision making and so on…

Today I am reminded of the drama that comes with others. I am reminded that life always has up and downs and for the most part it’s important to choose which thoughts affect you. Hmmm what do I mean? Well…. we all encounter other people everyday and those people directly affect our moods… -IF we allow them too. For example; If you’re in a good mood and you come across a friend who is in a crappy mood and all they do is nag and complain about it. We can then choose to be suckered in and react or we can choose to stay neutral and keep our own power.

No matter what happens in life, know that there is good even in the bad. You just have to find it and keep focused.

Sometimes that is work! BUT without work and determination, nothing will happen for you.

To living and loving through all the situations we encounter in life.

May peace be with you my friends.

Still Learning...

A long time ago I know that I’ve blogged about true happiness coming from the inside. Yeah I blogged it and truthfully I understood the concept but, I never truly understood how to apply it in my life. -A true understanding at a deeper level.

In life there is so much of society, the corporate big guys and politicians that want you to be distracted with materialism, socialism, politics and societies crap. To the point that your so distracted from truly being alone in yourself. WOW! Alone……

Not too long ago I was in a marriage that I felt so alone in. No love, no communication, no compassion or life inside of me. U C I was dead inside. In every situation there is also the polar opposite, so when that cycle was finally broken I woke up. I woke up to life and happiness and the joy of feeling with my heart.

I have been doing a lot of expanding my mind, discovering my heart and learning to feel from a place inside my heart vs. inside of my mind and…. What I’ve learned is that I must be alone and be happy with myself as a being, instead of finding my happiness from being with others. –Friends, Family…etc. I could say I knew that… But DB once taught me that… “I know that” is from an ego’s perspective. I am making some changes in my life and I am only taking an hour away for me.

Going into the inside of a place so deep…. “Meditation” When you drift… a feeling of happiness…perhaps a place of song and water… feel the warmth of the sun… and the wind drifting the fragrance of flowers… but for me, my mind races when I shut my eyes. I believe there are more memories deeply hidden….

Probably right, there might be, but I believe that my mind is playing a game with me…. It wants me to believe that deep down is more hurt and pain suffered from my past… and I feel that for me, I FEEL as if I have just been given me a clue towards the path in which I am at a crossroads in life.

Today, I feel that my mind is keeping me so busy that in reading a book by OSHO, I realized that it’s challenging for my body to keep up with my minds tasks and something has to give…. Who’s in charge here? .....I am!

Meditation is the deeper connection to your own capabilities in life. I’m living in blissfulness and love and why? Because it FEELS right!

I am truly blessed for all that is in my life. “Every bad situation has something good in it too…” “Polar opposites” Balance of this planet works, It’s scientific and I am blessed by just being here to write to myself, yet share it with others.

Always sharing my vulnerable thoughts for others; that is my way of sharing the courage of one’s own personal power that come s from going deep within yourself.

I am grateful for where I am right now and for the things and people who have come into my life.

Just a little bit of time

I am inevitably in charge of me. My thoughts are carving my future reality. What do I want? I want to live happily and have fun in life; I want to fix up this house we live in. I want to give myself credit for all that is in my life and everything I’m doing. I want to feel love. I do understand things about love… but I want to feel love as an inside feeling. -For myself and others.

I realized the other day that I’ve always allowed me to put things and other people before me. What does this mean… it means that I’ve allowed myself to be out of balance and I was sacrificing myself for others! Pleasing others for acceptance is something that I feel came from generational error.

I’ve always put my parents, my children, my husband, my business, my goals, and my drive to be successful ahead of me. (“ME” meaning my heart and soul) Honestly, Money has controlled me. Or shall I say that money has been the thing that has driven me to where I am today. So, Financially, I let it go!

But my thoughts always came back to wondering who Kim is? For a very long time, I felt like a little lost girl of an abuse stricken past that haunted me like a victim. I remember what I was like before I got married but now I feel as if there is a hole. A WHOLE part of myself that is missing. Maybe not so much a part but a….. CONNECTION

Part of my journey has led me through personal development. In some way throughout my life’s journey, I realized that I have been in some form of personal development since I divorced my first husband. Amazing to have lessons in life and not realize it until later. Later… now that I have been educated on what personal development really is.

I’m looking back and reflecting on my progression, and that has changed something for me now that I have recognized the awareness of my realizations. As time goes on and I focus on that, the awareness just keeps growing stronger.

I wholeheartedly want to work on who Kim is… I feel that because of some recent events that have happened in my life. This has brought up some very big questions. Questions for me and my parents, confusion of my mother’s punishments, anger for my father, understanding of my estranged husband’s decisions, but it has also given me the awareness in getting back to working on me.

Loving myself
Accepting my success and deservedness
Allowing myself to forgive my past as it’s never been my fault as I’ve always been led to believe.

I see things differently now. The self destruction I did in my childhood was the ripple effect of the loneliness I felt as a child. I always wanted the love of my parents but I cannot remember a time when I felt anything! I never remember my parents holding me or expressing any type of love that I can remember. Maybe words but… no action!

Everything is going to be ok! I tell this to myself so that maybe someday I will start feeling the belief of that statement. Honestly I am petrified of the unknown! I just remind myself that the positive thought is that everything will be ok and this is what I want to focus on!

Days come and go, and as each day flies by, I feel as if time is just spinning around in circles. Same stuff different day. Hmmm that’s been the story of my life.

BUT For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan of action and no game plan. That’s weird to me as I have always had a plan for my life. Well there is a first time for everything. -Right? This is me being open for new things and changes that might be very uncomfortable but necessary.

Have you ever been so driven that the rest of reality has just disappeared?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned through the abuse I endured and every situation that has made me grow. During that period I was a victim as I did not understand why I had to endure such pain through my childhood and during my life’s journey.

When does one person decide to let go of the anger, hurt and shame?

When they are sick of it controlling them? or
Their tired of feeling a certain way?

I believe the path of why I experienced what I did, is part of a greater purpose in life.

In every situation as you deem “bad” look for the ways in which was “good” “you grew”

WTF!? Look for the good Shhya right! You’re crazy. That’s what I would’ve said but now that much time has passed from my experiences and I understand the art of letting go…. I see things in a different perspective.

We all have games we play with ourselves…. It’s what I call the “Mental Mind Fuck” It clenches onto the thoughts of your desires and cravings.

Who is going to win?

Your desire to change? OR
Your Mental Mind Fuck?

I say look at what you have gained from your experiences. Focus on the good and forget the bad.

Maybe you’ve heard it before…. BUT You can’t change what has already happened but you can certainly get up and keep going.

Trusting in this proceess is a challenge!!!

I wake up in the mornings feeling as if there is something missing…..

I wake up feeling VERY emotional and most the time, I just want to cry. Sometimes I do but for the better part of me I just keep telling myself that everything will be OK! My mind however likes to try to keep control. But I am stronger than to allow my conscious mind to take over. I am NOT comfortable right now and I will get over this!

I feel so alone, and the mornings are the biggest challenge for me right now. It’s kind of weird from having a husband; that person there to cuddle with and wake up to…..and then all of a sudden life takes this interesting twist and that person is no longer there. Yes it’s been 3 months and for the most part life has been crazy busy! Life is slowing down now and I am starting to feel it more. Yes FEEL… what a glorious word.

Even though looking in hindsight he was never healthy for me…. Having that warm body no longer be there is hard to adjust to.

Most of my life “feeling it” was something I never really did a whole lot of. I just coped with it by covering it up with my ever so lasting coping skills…. Well I learned a long time ago that it was extremely unhealthy for me to continue along that path. So here is to “feeling” my way through life.

I feel better every time I’m able to journal/blog my feelings and I trust that life just keeps getting better. -Trust in God and trust in yourself!

To all of you, who may be struggling with life’s circumstances, keep going as this is all part of the process. YES it may SUCK!!! (This I see) BUT be thankful for every moment of the day and every learning experience. The learning experiences are golden and the lessons are here for us to grow.

Life is a challenge and life is a puzzle. BUT I love who I am today for every experience is all part of the person I am right now.

Taking out the garbage....

Why am I attracting more and more detours in my life? I don’t mind the challenges but MAN I can only handle so many of those on my plate. (someone else has another plan for what path I'm on) What am I focusing on right now that keeps these situations coming along? I feel as if it’s NOT me it’s other people’s decisions. I can’t control other people and what they choose to do. Dirty Bastard’s, I feel sorry for them. It’s sad to me to see the choices they make and deal with the consequences for “ME” Ahhhh it’s all about being in CONTROL, and that is what I feel drives them. This brings me to my thoughts of my own strength within myself. The keyword being; “ME” Yes that is who I am at the core. No matter what comes my way I feel as if I can overcome it! Is this the answer of how I’m continually bringing upon myself more challenges? No really? Oh shit, I’m going to be changing that record from this point forward. Thank you for the awareness. Yes this wisdom to see what can be done VS focusing on what is going wrong. Today I feel at calm. Whatever happens will happen and that is the way it is supposed to be. I will deal with it when it gets to that point. Right now I’m in this moment and it’s so calming!!! So I’m going dancing on Friday night. I gotta run a few errands but after that I’m free for the better part of the day. A moment for “ME” I’m super excited! To live and love! K~

I've decided! to just DO IT!

Ever since I got dumped by Tom back in July.... I have not really done anything for myself... It's been work, work and not really a bunch of play.... Not good... I know better than to neglect myself.

Starting to go a bit crazy.... I decided the other day that I MUST take out 1 night a week and go do something!

Since I LOVE to dance it would be just that. SO this Wednesday I am going out to go dance the night away. Making new friends and I try to have fun everyday, but some days that is not an option.... I am just so busy. BUT the silver lining is that things are slowing down and the kids are getting back to school. Structure....YES!

Just a quick update on me.... life is great! I keep acquiring new clients just in the course of talking with people. I'm not even trying, as accounting is not what I want to do.... BUT it pays the bills so I'm doing it until I find something else.

Just making friends down here so that I have a wonderful supportive network, and I do but they are all mostly in Skagit County. I need some friends that are closer....

I'm manifesting wonderful things to me and staying above ground.

Thank you for the appreciation I have for my life.

Outta my head and into the process

What is it that I’m supposed to be doing? AM I really supposed to be doing that? You know thinking about what I’m supposed to be doing… Just relax! I am so in my head right now with I’m not doing good enough! BUT I know that it’s a process and these things take time. So I’ve decided to do what makes me feel good!

Today I’m tense for some reason… I feel unorganized and in sorts. So today I’m cleaning out my files and paperwork. Here’s to continuing to purge the clutter.

Get outta my way... I'm on a mission!

Today I’m feeling as if everything is ok still. This path feels like a flow of energy that I’m amongst. I fell today and all I can say is, I’m glad it’s my left foot. Thankful for that one, it coulda been my gas pedal foot. At least I can drive to where I gotta go. I feel happy and content today. I just wanted to share that, my friends came over for dinner today. To be in good stimulating company is a change in pace. I almost forgot that I really love to converse with people. All these things that I knew existed at one time of my life is coming back! I feel as if I’m stronger than ever. Everyday I am manifesting money into my life and I’m here to celebrate that. I played with my dogs today and that felt great. I spilled the box of BB’s all over the floor while I was playing, and I laughed at myself. The change in pace is much nicer and calm. Here’s celebrating a new beginning. Next week I’m gonna go to Seattle for a few days and start looking for work. I’m gonna stay with my cousins I think? Excited to try something different in life; something I love and want to do….. Dance! Lots to do on my mission…. I will check back in a few days.

What just happened?

Dude! My computer’s hardboard died, so getting access to the internet has been a challenge. Still going to blog when I get a chance. So here’s the skinny on the last few weeks……..

Have you ever been just cruising through life and then all of a sudden something happens that dramatically changes everything?

It is so hard for me to believe that my life has taken a 360 degree flip and then some….

There have been so many awakenings that have opened my eyes further into this journey of where I am headed.

A friend recently told me that “Sometimes it takes something drastic to happen for that change to shift”

A force that is stronger than what you can control. Control, which is what I have been out of for the past,… about 4 years. I believe myself to say that I have been in a comatose state. Waking up and figuring this mess out is going to be a challenge but I know that deep down within myself I am so much closer to being within my inner power. Scary but I know that it will all be ok. Breathe……

It feels so good to be back! Now it’s time to clean up the mess.

I going to get a job and this time, I have decided to do something FUN with my life for a career.

I’m super excited!

I am so grateful to have the greatest friends in my life.

I am so grateful that I drive a beautiful gas guzzler.

I am so grateful for things working out.

I am so grateful for the money I have in the bank.

And of course last, but not least, I am grateful for my kid’s smiles.

Playing a new record

This is something that is not new to me but as I evolve and form a deeper awareness, I am understanding what I feel say and think has an impact on the out come of where I’m headed.

Thank you for the awareness of understanding the records I constantly play in my head. I am on day 7 of catching and keeping myself playing a new record and I just have to share with you that I am so happy that I have finally come to realize the power of my words, and thoughts. I have developed a new awareness of listening deeper into what I say and catching myself before I continue to play that negative record.

Consciously bringing what thoughts I want into my life and seeing myself grow and continue to make the mistakes. We are all human, and we all make mistakes.

Thank you to myself for taking the action for change to take place. Imperfect action: yet action. I’d rather take what I’ve learned and apply it into my life, than to have learned it, and not utilize it at all.

Cheers!

Getting down and DIRTY!

So the other day I did not want to get to Burlington “office/storage” to work on the landscaping. Honestly since 2005, I’ve had the employees take care of the yard maintenance for me. –It’s been nice. BUT since we sold our company earlier this February; this means no more employees to take care of that. It’s my turn to do it.

Yuck pulling weeds is not the most glamorous thing on my list of to do’s. So I put it off for as long as I could stand it. I went there sucked it up and just went for it. Got it done! Gratitude for that dirty job being done! So this brings me why I’m blogging today.

Lately in my life, I have been struggling with where exactly is my passion? I know what I want to do, but what really lights my fire?

This journey of releasing my emotional baggage has brought me through this tunnel of spinning, tumbling and has turned my beliefs and my mind upside down. I’ve struggled with Who am I? What do I love? Am I truly happy? Do I love where I’m at in my life? What do I want to do to make a difference? Some of those have been answered by following the discovery program but for the most part, I still feel as if I’m drifting along life just taking care of the day to day needs.

The greatest advice that my friend shared with me a while ago, was to go dig in the dirt.

Hmmm “go dig in the dirt” What a funny thing to say to someone for advice. It was January and it’s Washington, its cold, it’s rainy, and it’s just not what I wanted to do when she talked to me about it. Nope not even my houseplants. Just didn’t feel like it and you couldn’t make me. -I wasn’t ready. Until… the other day when the sun came out, and I just did it. I was digging in the dirt while listening to music I love, and I felt as if the words of the songs were talking directly to me. What an eye opening day it was for me. Dig in the mother earth and find answers….

I realized that my passion doesn’t have to be exactly what I think it’s supposed to be.

I do know that without a doubt, in my mind, I empower abusive victims to become survivors. So what’s the passion that lights my fire? -That fire is Tommy & Tabi!

My other two kids live with their mother & step father who act like victims in life. I can say that opinion in confidence as this used to be me years ago. Wendy will not allow the kids to move to their dad’s house and they really want to come and live with us. When we tried to get custody using the plea from the kids’ counselor about the hostility in the home the laws in Washington were didn’t prevail in getting them out. Therefore my kids continue to live in their abusive household. It’s not physical but it’s definitely emotionally and mentally.

I have to say that I am grateful that I have met Wendy. There have been so many good things that have come out of being introduced to the kid’s mother Wendy is very controlling with the kids and I will admit that I used to be that way with CJ’s dad as I also kept strictly to my parenting plan. Until the year I met the kids. I saw what it did to Tabi and Tommy because of the constraint of their mom. So needless to say I’ve changed a few things in my life because of what I learned from being on the other side of the fence. I believe that the emotional part of my connection with the Tabi and Tommy is because of the similar experiences that I endured as a child. I empower people to become survivors and that is what I want for them, but who in a million years would’ve of ever thought my passion is starting with my own children.

Even though I know my passion is to empower victims of abuse, the passion for helping my step children get out of their situation is even bigger to me. I guess I have to start with my own challenges in that area first. Then who knows where I’ll go after I’ve helped Tommy and Tabi. I know that I am not their biological mother... I sure wished I was. Just so I can protect them from what I have been able to shelter my 2 boys from. -Abuse.

This also brings me to another eye opener I had….. Empowering myself in our new business. Yes I will admit I’m scared! Scared because of the conditioning I received all my life to believe that a JOB is security. -$$$ coming in is guaranteed… This is what I believed was the only way to have security. I call bullshit! That is called a trap of having someone else control what they want you to do, trading time for $$, and sacrificing my valuable time for someone else. No way is that security. Even though I may not have the ability to say I get paid on Friday, I have the ability to live my life on my terms. The conditioning of changing my perspective from scarcity to understanding that everything is going to be ok has been the biggest challenges of them ALL! My gratitude journal has been a great tool for me to focus on the gratefulness of what I have right now. AND now is the most important things as it’s in the present moment.

So I feel that digging in the dirt with the mother earth is beneficial to getting in touch with a deeper you. -Connection… that is how this earth works. I’m thankful for my friend for giving me the advice. I’m also grateful for the 5 acres of beautiful yard I get to sculpt with Mother Nature; using her flowers and beauty.

Our Pictures of our project in Snohomish. http://snohomish.shutterfly.com/action

So the office/storage in Burlington is done but now I have a 5 acre piece of land to design and build now. I’m excited to back into the dirt and spent some quality time with the earth in revealing what’s next in my life.

My comfort zone?

Monday, April 14, 2008

So talking with my 14yr old son the other day sparked an idea within me. I am uncomfortable in my life right now, and this journey of being in debt is captivating my fears. Am I really getting out of my comfort zone here? The funny thing is when I look back at the history of my life; we have always been financially taken care of. -Miraculously. Miraculously by the actions I chose at that moment in my life, I've always made it! Yes, thank goodness for my husband, Tom who has a different vision for our family. Yes I'll admit I definitely want more in my life. Who wouldn't? -Tom's visions are high. We have imagined with each other our path of what we do want in our life. BUT I have those limiting beliefs that have kept me in my comfort zone. "Oh we don't require that, we don't have the $$$ for it. That is why Tom and I are together. He is here as my life partner, and show me a new perspective in dreaming. Another piece of my puzzle along this journey was the Discovery series. My 56 days to destiny gave me awareness and the ability to change. I'm definitely still moving forward and have reached a new level. I just have to share with all of you…….I journaled the other day and I had a self realization. In journaling I became aware of a fear that keeps me in my comfort zone. A statement that came from my dad who still lives by this motto…. If you can't pay cash for it, then you don't really need it. This is a statement that gave my power away. I left home at 15 and in growing up without the supervision of my parents, I learned early on in life that credit is important; I chose to build my credit. My father doesn't understand that managing your credit is just as good too. Yes, it's debt but to me, it's abundance. I am learning to turn my focus to what I do have in life. I am very good with my finances, however I have the belief that I don't deserve it because I still owe money on it and I freak out! Is this a by-product of his statement of not having the money to spend? –Guilt! So I keep telling myself to start writing in my "Gratitude Journal"…… Lessons come in so many shapes and forms. Some are very painful and some are blissful. It's funny how something happens in your life and in that time, it doesn't make sense??? I'm Analytical…always trying to figure the angles….well it never works out in my favor. So I just keep moving forward in my life, and then later on, something happens that was congruent to the experience that happened earlier in my life. Like it all makes sense to me and the pieces fit together like a puzzle. I see the clues along the way. So I've learned that those clues are all part of this process of life. My journey has been bumpy and I have been a victim for most of my life. I realize, after my divorce from my 1st husband that being a victim was not a positive choice. So I changed that. Was it comfortable? No. Along the path of understanding, I have come across many life lessons. I know that being OUT of my comfortable zone is where the change takes place. ~So today is my reset day for a new beginning~ I am grateful for what I have in my life right now. I am thankful for my past experiences; yes, even the not so good feeling. They have all moved me forward somehow in my life, if not made me stronger. I am successful and I deserve it! Assets, our beautiful office, our family home on 5 acres, our toys, brand new car, my beautiful babies, my husband who helps me with the balance of life and helps with our children. -Bonus; Tom cooks too. I am grateful now that I have become aware of this belief I have with debt and desirability. The one who created us, also created abundance. I deserve everything I have in my life as I've attracted that to me. Here's to moving out of my comfort zone. Cheers! Kim

Bouncing back and forth...

It’s been a bit since I’ve blogged. Sometimes in life, I bounce back and forth between my personal journal with my thoughts and what I choose to share with all of you. Sometime ago, like in 1998, I realized that I stuffed everything. My emotions were jammed so far down as they have been down there for a reason. I remembered my past and why I stuffed it in the first place. I truly y~urned for the peace of letting go. But for me today it means something all new to me as in another life lesson. So I can’t remember if I blogged about what happened to trigger the chain reaction to answering that very question of letting go of the emotions I stuffed. Long story short.... go to www.havegratitude.com to read about that........But needless to say it was the biggest breakthrough of my life!; and the explosion of my life; for once I allowed myself to be vulnerable to allowing. Emotional stuffing was flowing out like a runny faucet. Confession: So I have returned back to church. Don’t know why; I used to go all the time until we moved. OK actually sometime before that but it’s just drama, so I skipped that detail. Bottom line probably about 6 years or so its been since I’ve been in church. I remember as a child my mother made me go to Korean church. I hated it; now I’m going back. Anyways~ I find myself drawn to going again, but since we moved an hour away, where would I go? Found a place right here in Snohomish. We like it. So every time I have gone to church I always get tears. Why? Hmmm I wish I knew but for the first few weeks I was this tough emotional stuffer and I could stop myself from crying. Last Sunday, I went to church and the tears were flowing right when we got to church, parts of church and in the end too. Crazy! I’m not sure why I cry but the message I’m getting is that I really gotta let some things go in my life.. I gotta stop trying to control what happens and allow life to happen.. I’m a bit controlsive (is that even a word) If not it’s my new word. -Controlsive at times with certain parts of my life. I’ll admit it! The number one thing I’ve got to let go is Tom’s x-wife. –Wendy Ahhh she drives me crazy. I totally give her all my power at times. I love Tommy and Tabi as if they were born from my womb. I believe that I’ve been placed together with Tom for many reasons. Tabi is an emotional stuffer, Tommy has com eout of his protective state and is taking more chances. Yet Wendy takes my internal power from me. Actually I give it to her with the anger I carry about who she is. My opinion as a mother….She does not care about her children’s emotions, and she is very controlling. Ooh she just breaks my heart. I guess you can say maybe I see part of me in her. She is scared of everything -like never takes risks. BORING! No it’s not that part.... It’s the controlling part... When I met Tom my relationship with my x husband -Joe was horrible. Very conflictive. I was doing what Wendy is doing with her parenting plan with Tom and my S-kids. That was me when I met Tom. Hmmm back in 2004. I was the biggest bitch to Joe. Yeah I couldn’t let go of the pain and hurt I endured from that relationship. Talk about controlling, glad I got out of that relationship when I did........ Bottom line was I saw how it affected Tommy and Tabi not being with their dad and being super strict about the Parenting Plan. So I let go of my crap and moved on. Joe and I now get along great! We spend time together with CJ on his birthdays, we communicate and I am still able to be in my power and have boundaries. So I’ve learned to let go from some lessons in my life but Tommy and Tabi have a mother who was just like me. Wendy continues to use her victimization to hide behind. It sucks because as children we all learn what we are exposed to. Learned behaviors..... Tommy and Tabi want to spend more time with dad and mom says NO, even though she is not there .75% of the time because she is at work... Enough ranting already! She is the biggest challenge I have right now. That is just one thing I gotta let go…. -Letting Wendy go. -I feel sorry for her actually. There is such a wonderful life out there to be thankful for instead of always being so closed and hidden. Being the victim isn’t giving attention to a good choice in life. Been there done that! I used to be like that and in some ways I still am but I’m thankful for the awareness in seeing my growth within myself through someone else. My question is how do I let her go? I think that is why I’m so drawn to church and god right now. I want him to take that over for me as it hinders the sunshine I have within myself. It’s funny about the lessons I have learned in the past 3 years….. I know now that I deserve the things I have in my life. I never used to feel that way. Right now actually I am still amazed at where I am in life and how the heck I got here. It was very bumpy ride and I now believe that anything is possible. I just have to be in the right state of mind. Allowing the emotional roller coaster out has been a challenge for me to stay in the right mind. I know that I cannot tackle this myself so I’m turning it over to the pro. -GOD Since were on the subject of letting go…. that is what I’ve allowed myself to do to myself. Yeah! I may be a size 2 but it’s a bit of flab. I wonder what my body fat is. That’s a good thought I think I will have that checked out. (Shock Factor?) Nah I still am hot! Well I know that if I truly want it then I will do it. Taking care of my body has been on the top of my thoughts for about 5 months. I’ve started walking 3 miles with Tom in the morning. It’s so nice now that we both can be at home and work our own schedule. BONUS: To have Spring rolling around with sunny and earlier mornings is a good thing right now. I cannot stand the winters here in dark ass Washington. Spring is coming and so is the sun and maybe some warmer weather too. I know that there is more there that I have to let go…. But for now I am knocking out the most important ones to me. In my experience…. I’ve walked on 50 feet of burning hot 1500 degree coals, broke an arrow on my throat, and bent rebar with the softer part of my throat. See pics at www.getmeoutofmyjob.com I truly understand the power of the mind. I’m still learning how to harness that power! I’ve used the power to do many great things in my past, and I’m excited for the life that is in the future. Thank you as myself and my family are very blessed.

Slow down!

All my life, well as far back as I can remember, I have always had to be in charge. When I was younger while my mother was at school or work, I had to help out with my brother. My mother used to have seizures and I'd have to take care of that too. Taking care of things has been the core of who I am. So here I am again as things are brought to my attention... Taking care of it! I realize that in order for me to truly live life, I must slow down in life. I'm a busy body, like my mother and my grandmother. (It must be a Korean thing?) This I decided is no way to live my life. BUSY! What? No I am in the process of slowing down. What does this mean…? Well I will admit that I knew this was a deeply strong desire of mine, BUT I've allowed myself to entertain the distractions that I make for myself. Here's the question…. Why do I entertain these distractions? I truly want this for myself but I put it off. So today was my groundbreaking start. I get to dive straight into this question. I'm sure there is some kind of deeply hurtful thing associated with this. When I talk about the desire to slow down in life, I get tearful. I have a feeling of hopelessness. Hmmm my question is why? What does this mean to slow down? Breathe slower, one task at a time, read more, take the time in for me. I already day dream and take time in, but to truly take time in means to calm the inner self and throw out the garbage. For once in this journey of understanding, I understand what truly quieting the mind means… NOW the trick is to take action. I am my worst critic. I beat myself for the mistakes I make in life and I hang onto those for forever… Here's the bottom line… IMPERFECT ACTION is better than NO ACTION. I'm realizing that this holds true in ANY situation. Today I am grateful for the lessons that come up and the new vision of change. This all started with wanting to clear the clutter and throw out the baggage, and it has evolved to a whole different level. I know this is right, even though it feels so shitty, but in the end I will feel free. That's my drive to get myself through this.

Who would’ve ever known?

Not the way I would've ever imagined this conversation I had with my mother. BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL..... I am so thankful for the conversation I had with my mother on Sunday. I was able to have an adult conversation with her and listen to why she was calling me. –My brother. Finally doing something outside of my comfort zone! I have been able to confront my mother about some things that happened when I was a child. –No longer scared of her….I was able to express how I felt about those situations that made a big impression in my life... Monte made such an impact and I know that my mother does not know the whole story. I told my mother that my relationship with her was not close when I was a child…. I knew this because of how I remember the incident with Monte and how I came forth. I told my best friends mother about it before I told my own mother. I remember that I was so afraid of my mother when I was a child. To express myself freely with my mother was a great thing. Maybe the beer I shared with Tom earlier aided in that but overall….. The conversation we had was such a connection that I've never shared with her in my life. I feel like since I was able to tell her about some of the incidents that made such an impact on my life. -I was uplifted to express myself about something that bothered me as a child. She shared with me the struggles of her past and her chemical imbalance of her brain. She called it Emotional Stress. -The abuse she endured. -She expressed to me how YAK has really helped her…..Funny thing is that I tell myself everyday that the YAK is healthy for my body and I just drink it. It's yaklicious. It's Chinese Herbs from my uncle Allan. The enlightened feeling I have about this whole connection with my mom… She has no idea of my breakthrough with her when Tom and I attended the Breakthroughs with Jeffrey Combs. That's when I had confirmation of the angry feelings against my mother. Many Breakthroughs for me in my life, each one I learn something different. To see the growth that I am doing is an eye opening experience for me. I truly can choose what I want in life. I have had many things happen in my life and most of my childhood memories are not happy ones. But I learned after I divorced my 1st husband that I could choose to have a victorious life as a survivor. So I changed my tune of no longer choosing to be a victim. This still meant that I had the past to deal with but never knew how. That conversation with my mother was a deep sense of connection to my mother. She was allowing herself to be vulnerable and I allowed myself the same privilege. I stood up to my mother without any of the confrontations. -Just a conversation. I'm sure there are many more learning experiences that I will be challenged with in my life.....I'm definitely learning along the way. Thank you for the abundance I have in my life, I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Gotta do what?

Accepting challenges with understanding that those challenges have its own timing… Just when you think everything is going the way you planned, something just shows up. Does this ever happen to you? Seems no matter what we did to sell the division, it would just find a way to stay longer. This business, our HVAC division was a stepping stone to something bigger for us. It was nice to be self employed, but the responsibilities that came along with this Brick & Mortar type business were HUGE! The technical stuff a boss would take care of if you had a job. -Right? Between Tom and me, we were tired of the business just covering its business bills. Never any extra money for our family, but we liked the fact that we had the freedom to schedule things around our family of 6. Tom and I worked this business and we were both drained. If only there was one more of "me" Finally it's SOLD! 5 Months after the first offer fell through back in October 07. We were really counting on the division being sold as we have a passion of helping people. How? We were going to figure that out along the way. Our journey… I asked Tom awhile ago while I was reading the book the Passion Test, if he was passionate about what he was doing. Does he love what he does…? He came back a few days later and said "no" So we talked about how unhappy we were with the business and understanding that we had to hire more people and bring in more work or get a game plan together for how we could get some money into our household. If we continued on the same path, we were never going to be able to pay us. So we made the decision to sell the business. 1 month being on the market, a buyer came along and we worked on contracts with Attorneys but we left to a conference before we closed the deal. A revolutionary conference that both of us knew we wanted to attend. We were excited but when we were buttoning up the deal when we got back….. The buyer fell off the face of the earth. Huh? This meant that the company was back on the market and we had to continue working it. There were a few other buyers that came to the table but not one that would have the integrity to write the check. So here we are in February 2008. Tom and I had a plan B while we were in motion with Plan A of selling the business. -So Plan B was…. We decided after January, we would sell our clientele and assets of that division. It's February and not only did our Plan B work, we were still in business to land a big last minute job in January. This meant that the profits from that job would virtually take that division out of any debt it was in. -After all the books closed. The bonus now is…. We still have all the assets from our 4 departments within that division to sell. Amazing in how this worked out differently (Stressful) but it put us in a whole different aspect of starting our newest division of Posch Enterprises, Inc. This was a journey in which I never really understood the concept of the universes timing until now. It's funny throughout my life I fight for things to happen my way and in my timing, so much that I stress myself out! It's got me think'n…. I look back and think about all those situations of the things I demand out of life. Even though the other side of what I'm doing always means that it involves another person. Now I understand that I cannot rush things. I've known that but never really understood it until now. I do move at a fast pace and have been aware of that but it really never made sense until now how much I need to slow down and be in the flow of life. I do know that if you want something in life, you got to keep your focus on what you want in your life. Thank you for the journey of lessons I continue to learn, thank you for the patient husband I have in my life, thank you for the weight that has just been sold from the Air Filtration division, thank you for the abundance I have, and thank you for showing me the true understanding of effortlessness and ease. This is a celebration blog as we are ready to start this new chapter of our life….. Thank you

Going where?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Current mood: confused Who am I? Who is Kim Hoerner….. Before Breakthrough I was confident in who I was (kind of), then during Breakthrough I learned that I never felt like I deserve anything nice. Why??? Because I'm a bad girl, a dirty girl who always deserves what happens to her. NO -this is not true…. The truth is…. I deserve everything I want out of life. What do I want...? -Happiness, love, affection, laughter, success, a relationship with my husband, a life that is full of laughter and fun. Today I feel like it's my turn to let go. I know in my heart of hearts is this…. I desire DYP to work! I desire a schedule. I desire to be working out at the gym. I desire to be happy in my relationship. I desire $20,000.00 in my bank account. I desire a new bed. I desire new clothes. I desire our garage being built in the spring. I desire an invisible fence for the dogs. I desire a beautiful backyard with a huge fire pit. I desire the most elegant party that Tom and I have ever thrown. It will be catered. I will make Kal-bi. I desire to have successful friends that are like minded. I desire for my children to get along. I desire my children to work together. I desire to know truly down deep, who is Kim Hoerner? I write this when I'm zoned, When I'm in my own little world, I'm kind of lost. I feel that I do not have a purpose. I'm dazed with a fog. This is not me… I know that I have a strong will, I know that I'm always strategizing, I know that I'm a multi-tasker, I know that I'm shaping my eyebrows into what I want, I know that I'm driven about things I'm passionate about, I know that sometimes I'm a bitch, I know that I'm moody, I know that my split personality as I may has allowed me to lose control of me. I can't say that I love my children. They don't even make me happy. They fight, they bicker, they tattle tale on each other, and do they even love each other? How do I change this? I should start looking at the things that are great about the people in my life. –Especially, Tom. CHANGE! What does this mean to me??? It means waking up in the morning early to go to the gym or some kind of exercise. It means staying in control of me and my thoughts. It means believing in the process. Ahh this is a challenge for me. It means being thankful for all that I have right now. It means talking calmly from now on. It means no more drugs. It means taking more time for me. It means loving yourself. Which means do the things that will make you be in love with your body. It means waking up everyday with a hopeful thought and gratitude. It means dream. It means think about what can be, and remember to feel them on the inside. It means smile while I talk. It means that's a lot of stuff to do. Which one is the most important? Tom... That wasn't even on list. Why Tom? Because we truly were meant to be together but we both have our own problems right now and I think that this marriage is in the wrong time in our life. -Maybe later on in life. Right now actually I need to work on me! I feel like I'm not myself, and haven't been in a few years. Maybe I'm happy with having a job. -It's easier. Maybe its that I'm uncovering my true existence of what do I want to do with my life? No longer an accountant, gotta be self- employed as I am psychologically unemployable, I like to be in control.