Panic Attacks

I've never had one in my life! It’s becoming a daily thing! I feel things escalating! OMG it felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. I had to literally self-talk and ground to my heart chakra to just get past the feeling. WTF!  

In talking with Brian, he explained that when we were doing some energy work, he feels/sees… that when I slow down, there will be wisdom that is shared. The vision of what is trying to come through. I’ve been feeling it for months now; I know it’s there.

I move at mach speed, and I’m not slowing down. He is not wrong. I do move, work and talk rather quickly. Too quick for most people to keep up with. I’ve tried to slow down, but I just fuck things up. So, I don’t try anymore. It was who I was, and it served me well. Just not anymore! I’m sure at times, it may ring through, but I’m being called to change.

BELIEVE ME… I’m READY TO SLOW DOWN. My spirit is calling me too, hence my earlier blogs in sharing I’m ready to slow down. SOOOO READY! I feel it! It is resonating at a high vibrational level and by not honoring it… I feel that is why I am now getting panic attacks!

He shared that when I can get myself to slow down, I will honor my spirit and meet the changes that are trying to come through. I know there is wisdom in the stillness that is trying to break through. I feel spirit trying to expand, but this mach speed that I constantly am in will not allow things to unfold. Not yet! -I’m so close!

Please allow me to slow down. I will continue to honor my commitments but need to start making this shift. NOW, not later! I feel that if I don’t make a shift in how I DO things, there will be heavy consequences. I’m listening, I promise! Please to the great divine, allow me some time and space. I am at the finish line with things. I promise I’m listening, I feel you! I’m aware, and yes, it is very painful!!

So just go fucking do it!

I’m addicted! I’m in love and I’m stuck all at the same time!

My husband likes to watch TV and play games on his phone all the time! I can see that these are the things he needs to have balance, for him. At least, for me… I feel that is what he tells himself. You know how that goes… what you tell yourself is true! >>> Don’t get me wrong, he works hard at work and at home. He is such a good man and does everything that I ask of him without complaining! He does voice his opinion, but in the end, he does everything he can to make me happy. I am happy! Kind of. I find myself gravitating to just be near him all the time. My mind, body and soul are addicted to being with him, all the time.

But that is not me. What happened to me? How did this behavior sneak in. In my mind it is so LAZY! Let’s be accountable here! I have allowed the change to take place where I now get stuck in TV; binge watching “shit”. It is such a waste of time. I know this does not feed my soul and is not a healthy lifestyle.  I am working on trying to break the cycle.

Creating space for myself and breaking the energy has been challenging, but hearing and torturing myself in knowing that is not what I want any more is burning this deep desire to break away.

I am afraid that IF I do this, we may not be as close. I don’t want to be one of these couples who divorced or have space between us, we will not/cannot connect anymore. We already have our problems as is. I’m just afraid that this will be the straw. I’m tired of being the glue in my relationships. It’s time that I put self-love back in the spotlight and let the cards fall as they may.

To the great divine, please hear my heart’s desire and bring me peace and the strength to know that I must trust the process and care only for myself first and foremost. I am grateful for the wisdom to know that in my decision to love and care for myself I will be the guidance for others, if they so choose... to follow.

Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

Here I am again! Rinse and repeat. Ugh!!!

I thought when I quit my job, I could “actually” follow through with it all. I did, but because I’m a team player, I agreed to stay on to get them through the HRIS migration and most likely need to stay on through the end of the year (Feb 2026) to get them in a good place. Buuuuut I am regretting this decision. I am soooooo tired. I am sooooo burnt out, I just cannot motivate myself to DO anything. >>> I want to, and I am fully aware that IF I want to see the change, then I MUST take… action! Only then will I see, and most likely feel the difference! I know that when I attended the gym more regularly, I had an incredible amount of energy. I want that again!

Truth be told, I have never been the same after the cancer treatment and I thought it was that. + after hurricane Helene, the water quality was horribly chemicalized so that we couldn’t get to the gym for several months until it was repaired, let alone staffed again. Jay keeps telling me it’s my age. Either way, I’m not willing to accept my excuses. I wholeheartedly believe that mindset plays a big part and, in my mind… I cannot allow this shit to go on for much longer. It’s too painful. I have allowed myself to become weak, weaker than I have ever been, and I hate it! Soooo, I already hear myself saying… you see the contrast, stop your fucking whining and go do something about it.

Big sigh… I am so tired. I feel that I need to recharge and take care of my body before I can push myself back into that. But when will I get the time to do that? I already work FT and now my mom is here, and she wants me to go, go, go. OMG! Isn’t anyone hearing me. Leave me the fuck alone! I’M TIRED!

I know in my heart of hearts; I will get tired of hearing myself whine about it and will “actually” get up and do something about it. I do now, but not consistently.

Please help me find the strength to just hang on for 6 more months. I promise I’m going to follow through with these decisions. I just need to button things up before I move into a PT role and slowly transition myself into a better space. Help me to stay strong just a little bit longer.

Love and Light to the great divine!