I don’t understand!

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the doctors were so forthcoming about what “could” happen and that everyone’s path is different. It would be hard to predict what “exactly” would happen. That was the warning label I was given. Of course, there were more details, like loss of appetite, nausea, weakness, tiredness and so on and on. But… not a full disclosure of the long-term effects that could also happen.  

Not one of my doctors shared that due to the radiation or if I did experience weakness and stayed in bed for long periods of time… that muscle loss and weakness could have a long-lasting effect. I guess that it does make sense right? Use it or lose it! It was a very humble experience and a hard pill to swallow! I was competing in Spartan races not too long ago. I was a beast! No way, not me!

Not to mention that my hormones would be way out of whack and the effects of radiation on my pelvic area would require physical therapy and ongoing care. I wouldn’t have ever predicted that I would find myself in physical therapy for my pelvic floor, vaginal/rectal stretching. WTF!!!!  I have felt so broken for so long and right now, I am amazed that some of those symptoms have carried this far beyond my cancer treatment. Parts aren’t working as they are supposed to, and others are still in hyper drive. WTF, I thought this would be a 6–10-week thing, but here I am at 2 years, and my frozen shoulder is still giving me challenges.

I am grateful that I STOPPED listening to the doctors and reminded myself to start listening to my body. Since then, I’ve experienced true lasting progress. The last time I got into the pool, I couldn’t swim because my shoulder was in so much pain and extremely tight. If I tried to force it to move as I wanted it to, I was fearful that I would cause damage. I allowed myself to stay out of the pool and continued with acupuncture, heat and massage therapy. I am so happy that when I got into the pool last week, I had full range of motion. Still weak, but I can rebuild my muscles now that I have that range of motion. I still have a smidge restriction when I lift my arm straight (almost straight) up, but I’m confident that over time, that will improve. I guess I do understand why, but I don’t accept that this is acceptable.

Overall, I guess I could’ve gone to support groups, but I had a great support system and didn’t have the need to go outside my circle. Thank you for life’s lessons!