Sharing my JOURNEY....
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- ► 2009 (28)
- ► October (5)
- ► September (6)
- ► August (4)
- ► June (4)
Monday, December 29, 2008
This year has been a year of change for me. To have been where I was and to be where I am is something I cannot understand but I know that GOD has his plan for me.
Thanks to those who hated me, I am now a stronger person..
Thanks to those who loved me, my heart has grown fonder..
Thanks to those who envied me, my self-esteem grew stronger..
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important..
Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who I am today..
Thanks to those who left, it made me realize that nothing lasts forever..
May GOD bless you and all in your life!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
From understanding how to challenge those challenges I had with my emotional baggage to learning the art of tapping with EFT and understanding that I am ok just the way I am. I love this whole concept of continuing to get more of an insight about me and who I am.
Connected! Oh to be so powerful on the inside and not even realize it.
Wow, to love every aspect of every situation has been something new to me. There is something good in the bad….? We just have to look for it.
So even though my current circumstances are a gigantic challenge, I feel powerful. -As if there is only one thing that I am focusing on…. What I can do differently NOW!
Yes I realized that I am so far in the future that I fear the things that “could happen” and “what if” So far ahead that it got to the point of me trying to do the necessary things to prevent those things from happening….. The reality of it is that it was a thought up fear… Not my reality.
To live my life from the place in my heart is to live in the now. Be present to what is going on right now.
Awareness is awesome.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Hopefully along the way a valuable lesson was learned through the experience.
At least that is what we strive for… Right?
I’ll admit that I have said I know that from time to time? BUT Just recently actually, the lesson was about being in the “NOW” About being in the moment. Isn’t that what they say?
For me I’ve been living in the future, the “what ifs?”
I have allowed my finances to rule my thinking, and the other day I had realized that I have been ungrateful and unkind. Only because of my finances right? I was feeling stuck! The thing is… the perfect puzzle piece fell into place, just days earlier.
I made a commitment to myself and what I’m choosing for me and my life. Of course this was after I made the decision to attend the LPU Breakthrough III.
When I realized the other day that I am in such a “give me” mentality… I realized that I must be of service and be kind to others and be grateful for this very second; this moment in time.
Now to understand that I’m analytical and always processing… Gratitude & Kindness came up and resonated with me at the conference. Just as if I understood that I needed to be at BT. My Ahh ha moment!What does that mean to me?
“It means that I must actually move away from a place in my head and move into a place in my heart”
Not really sure what that means to me but that is the question that lingers in my mind….
To find a sense of peace. Be thankful for this very moment. My vision, my children, my dogs, the air we breathe, the sounds we hear, the mobility in our bodies, my current circumstances, my conscience/unconscious mind, and the amazing things our bodies do without needing us to even think about it… (By far not a complete list but you get the point)
It means to live for today, be in service to others, and be grateful for this moment, well actually be grateful for every moment. Past present and future…
Here’s to my new awareness in taking action, even if it’s imperfect action
I know that just by me being aware and taking action… Those challenges will move into a place of experiences and understanding.
Thank you LPU and to the creators of that dream!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A life long challenge that I had, was the desire to overcome all of my emotional stuffing that I did when I was younger. Memories, arguments and things I did as a foolish child. I just wanted to let it all out! Although I remember those stuffed emotions to be painful and not a piece of cake. So in search of the answer to something so painful I found this…..
Along my journey I became a visionary with Lifepath Unlimited. After reading their Mission Statement, I believed that I wanted to be part of that journey. Didn’t know how to make it happen at that point but after the decision was made. It worked itself out to my amazement.
Excited… I started the 56 days to Destiny just prior to our first Break Through event held in Puerto Rico at the Grand Melia. I was really learning to ask myself about me. The candles were beautiful. Ah magnificent!
Anyways during that conference, Peggy Dylan of Sundoor touched right dead set on “Emotional Stuffing” It was like as if she was talking to me.
After the exercises, I had such a deeper understanding of why that process of emotional stuffing came up from time to time, and why it was so important to let it out and “feel it” I continued to listen to the Mentorship Sessions on Saturdays and I learned a lot including the art of EFT. With the 56 days to Destiny and the mentorship sessions I discovered that I could get through it. -Boy was I babbling emotional crazy woman for a few weeks but it was totally worth it to feel that crap. Actually I call it purging. I learned a few key things that have made a huge impact in my life over that event. I learned about the negative effects of the food and what we ingest is 80% of how we look on the outside and of course I cannot forget that I needed to wear a higher sun block. –Good lessons.
7 months later in June of this year, I attended the second Break Through event in sunny Cancun. The lessons were so different than the first event and the beauty of being able to watch the people who firewalked was refreshing.
I learned that we all tell ourselves these “broken records” I can’t do this because of this or whatever it is that keeps us from doing something we want to “try”
Becoming aware of my own broken records helped me realize how I’m holding myself back.
Wasn’t planning on going and after looking for a job and well, still looking for a job, I have decided to do something different. Just take the risk and make it happen!
In amazement of what has transpired over the last 2 breakthroughs I cannot yet ignore that this is part of my next step. The Break Through events has been so good for me that I cannot resist. Completely open to whatever comes my way. All I know is that something has to change in my life to make it better and this event is going to be a turning point for me. I feel as if there is a lesson to be learned here that is going to be the CHANGE.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Yes the road has been a bit bumpy up until this point, but I have looked back and taken a deeper look at the broken records I have been telling myself in those particular moments.
That is why the road got really bumpy. I was choosing to focus on the negativity of my situation, focusing on the “what ifs”, focusing on the scarcity of me not being able to make it. Wow the reality of it is this….. I was creating and manifesting more of what I didn’t want to myself with a high magnitude of concentration. I know that I know better but sometimes those moments in time are a challenge.
To see something positive out of the situation sometimes is a challenge when you are living in that crap! BUT As strong as I am, eventually I pull out of it. Thank you for that!
Yes, more of those broken records, more lessons on getting out of my head and living in the moment.
Thank you so much for having the awareness of what I was doing to myself. -Self sabotage. Thank you for the life long experiences that have brought me up to knowing when change is required. Thank you for the people who educated me in knowing the difference in conscience decisions. Thank you for everything that has happened in my life. AND thank you for the people who surround me during those challenging times in my life.
As I said earlier, I am so grateful for what is transpiring in my life! My children and I are truly blessed as we are taken care of every single moment of every single day.
To the GOD up above who is so forgiving… Thank you for being the creator of everything that surrounds us.
Here is my pledge of continuing the process of getting out of my own head, my own way and allowing me to live by each moment and experience as it comes. To live consciously is to live, and to make decision instead of reacting is healthy for me.
Thank you for the awareness!!!!!!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
That sucked because that is not me! I am strong! “Strong as a Rhino”….BUT there are my moments where I have my weaknesses too. Yes… My emotions were flying around as if they are just there with no ties and nobody there to rein them in. Yeah I will honestly say I was checked out for a bit… Just being the droid and running through the motions of my everyday life.
BUT…in my moment of weakness I asked for help. I desperately asked for help for someone to take some of this burden that I have in my life right now. I felt as if I just couldn’t keep going like this. I honestly have been carrying all of this debt load and responsibility since my “so-called husband” … Soon to be X Husband left back in July.
Yes I have been strong but I am tired and “I” deserve a break!
So long story short…. Just a few weeks ago… I was forced. YES FORCED!!!!... By a close dear friend of mine to attend a birthday party…. Yup didn’t want to or even feel like going but I did… Had a blast! -Totally worth it and glad that I went. In all actuality I didn’t even feel the sense of guiltiness for taking some “me time”
While I was there I met a wonderful person who I believe I was supposed to meet.
In all actuality I never knew it until a few days ago when I realized that this person, my new friend was my gift, my answer to my request for help.
Not even knowing or trying and in just being who I am…. I have been able to help my friend by just being me and in return my friend is asking me to allow him to help me.
WOW! This means I must let my gigantic wall of defenses and independence down to allow for these actions to take place. Not comfortable by far. BUT… Doing something new is uncomfortable at first but I believe that is where change takes place.
I believe that today, once again I’m proudly wanting to share my challenges with all of you. But I really want to cast out my voice in gratefulness for the law of attraction for gifting me in which I focus on… Even in my down moments I am continually asking for the things I require most. Thank you for my new friends and of course my old friends. Thank you for the awareness of change, and the perception of knowing that all is ok no matter what is going on in this immediate moment.
Until next time...
Hang on tight because life is a bumpy but invigorating ride!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Loneliness sucks but in all actuality looking in hindsight, I now see that the time you have to yourself is actually a blessing. -It’s just in disguise.
I’ve cried time and time again over the feeling of being alone, but I realized after I’ve picked myself up…. Amazingly….. Being alone is and can be very healing.
This to me was healing for the soul and time to mend or bridge the gap of selflessness and despair.
This process of life can and will be quite the challenge at times and we as individuals get to CHOOSE whether it keeps hold of us and our emotions or…. Are we stronger on the inside to CHOOSE whether we let it go?
Today I am choosing to let it go with the understanding that I know I am human and this to, is part of the process.
I will keep moving forward!!!!
My thoughts and wishes are for those that read my blogs…. That you to will see that you are not alone!
Love and Light
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I wake up in the mornings feeling as if there is something missing…..
I wake up feeling VERY emotional and most the time, I just want to cry. Sometimes I do but for the better part of me I just keep telling myself that everything will be OK! My mind however likes to try to keep control. But I am stronger than to allow my conscious mind to take over. I am NOT comfortable right now and I will get over this!
I feel so alone, and the mornings are the biggest challenge for me right now. It’s kind of weird from having a husband; that person there to cuddle with and wake up to…..and then all of a sudden life takes this interesting twist and that person is no longer there. Yes it’s been 3 months and for the most part life has been crazy busy! Life is slowing down now and I am starting to feel it more. Yes FEEL… what a glorious word.
Even though looking in hindsight he was never healthy for me…. Having that warm body no longer be there is hard to adjust to.
Most of my life “feeling it” was something I never really did a whole lot of. I just coped with it by covering it up with my ever so lasting coping skills…. Well I learned a long time ago that it was extremely unhealthy for me to continue along that path. So here is to “feeling” my way through life.
I feel better every time I’m able to journal/blog my feelings and I trust that life just keeps getting better. -Trust in God and trust in yourself!
To all of you, who may be struggling with life’s circumstances, keep going as this is all part of the process. YES it may SUCK!!! (This I see) BUT be thankful for every moment of the day and every learning experience. The learning experiences are golden and the lessons are here for us to grow.
Life is a challenge and life is a puzzle. BUT I love who I am today for every experience is all part of the person I am right now.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Breathe! Yes breathe….. -Finally a moment where life’s clutter is no longer in my way. My brain feels as if it’s finally clearing out the clutter of the crap I have been dealing with since my cowardly ex husband left without notice back in July. He has actually done me a life saving favor and I am thankful for the twist and the turns of how I arrived here today.
Although not the circumstances I would have ever dreamed of in a million years… I am truly thankful for the situation, as it has really opened my eyes to the true power I have within “me”
Clearing the clutter of the shit that kept me up at night and restless during the day has brought a new perspective of what busy really means to me. Busy is the way society has become and the drive that makes most of us just want more. More what? Materialism? Acceptance? A bigger Ego? Pride? What does busy mean to you?
I feel as if my life is finally starting to quiet down. Yes there is a lot still left to do but I have been getting organized and I feel better about all of it! My divorce, my unlawful detainer lawsuit to remove my tenants who are not paying rent, my finances, my debt and my life in general with the daily challenges I face just being a single mother. BUT I got to say…..I am determined to overcome all of those challenges that come my way. Yes there have been lots and for the first time in the history of my life, I feel as if I am the most powerful and driven woman that I know. I will NOT allow all those things or anything get in my way.
Don’t get me wrong…. Some days I am down but I, in time always pick myself up and move on. Sometimes those breaking moments are what I require for my own clarity. Clarity of the bigger picture here on this journey of where I am going. I am so excited as to the outcome after all of this turmoil. AND I just have to give myself a BIG kudos to me for being the person I am.
For quite sometime now, I have used coping mechanisms to get by and one day sometime ago I realized that I am doing a disservice to myself by not allowing myself to “FEEL IT” Coping skills are great if you want to put off your feelings or shall I say stuff them. AND I vowed sometime last year when I allowed all those hurtful feelings to come up, I was no longer going to live in the shadows of the fear of feeling something bad. I am going to cry, and get angry and laugh too. With the good comes the bad. It’s all part of this life and the balance of how it all works together. Like Ying and Yang.
Ahhh… the breath is so refreshing and calming to ones persona. Clarity is nice and having a sense of calm is very healing for me. It’s my time to remember the things that I want for myself. To have a purpose, to feel free from within, to just be me!
I love that I am here and it’s fall. The beauty of the leaves turning and the new season is vastly approaching. It’s refreshing to me as it’s a sense of a new beginning. Although I have had many of those, I truly feel as this one is the most healing experiences that I have ever encountered in my existence of being on this planet. Mother earth and the universe are amazing! Thank you for my place on this abundant earth.
I am in love with my life, and my children are amazing people who have been a huge blessing to me. We say that children are so abruptly honest and sometimes cruel but I am fortunate to have the 2 most wonderful boys that accept me for who I am! AND I accept them for who they are and the mistakes they make along the way as I know that this is how they learn. We all do… well maybe not all of us but those that are open and ready will see the lesson and change the course along the way.
Live life to the fullest because you never know what is to come your way. Never depend on others as they control what they want and always love yourself for who you are. Live in the moment and love the journey. The lessons we encounter are all part of the connection we have to each other and everything.
Thank you for everything, life and its lessons are truly amazing!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I don’t understand the ups and the downs we go through but I understand that it is all part of the process. So, I just go with the flow….. And then there are those other days…..
Those days are the ones that bite me in the emotional ass and try to take charge of my emotions. YES I feel them and then I purge them. Sometimes they keep coming at me like a persistent antagonizing pest! But here’s the thing I am a damn strong woman with a drive that keeps me moving along. I will NOT let anyone or anything stand in my way of reaching my goals.
There is a lesson that is to be learned here and sometimes I’m not sure if I’m getting the lesson. Am I too stubborn to see it? Do I just ignore it intentionally? Am I not ready to see it? WTF! I know that I do not want to continue down this same path or re visit this type of situation again down the road.
So here is my wish…. Cast upon the vast universe…. And I’m depending on the Law of Attraction to give me in which I give and will receive with open arms!
Whatever it is I’m supposed to learn I thank you for those lessons but in exchange for a sense of peacefulness I give myself to you with trust and all my love for now I feel as if this is too much for me to handle all on my own. I give myself to you in hopes that you will take this from me and do away with the tenseness in which I feel.
This world is so abundant and I am rich beyond measures. Thank you for everything I have in my life and the lessons which come along with it.
To those of you who may be reading my blogs… know that everything in our life is a direct result of what we have sowed in our many actions and thoughts. Remember to keep your focus on which things you want in life and stay blind to the crap along the way. Keeping your focus on what you want in life will then only allow yourself to keep the sense of direction in which you are headed.
To you and your challenges that you may be facing, I give you encouragement to face those things in which try to stand in our way and the strength to keep moving forward.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Sometimes I wonder why I am constantly so busy.
Then this morning as I was walking my trash up the driveway… and I started crying... I checked in with myself and discovered that I had a moment of weakness and it was because of the loneliness… I cried and thought that -this must be why I keep myself so busy.
The mornings are a challenge for me but this I know shall pass too. So I’m sharing it and moving on… To let it out and feel it is something new for me. BUT I know that in order to process through it, I must feel it too. Thank you for my awareness’s, I am so grateful for the change.
Processing my divorce has been a lot of work. Gathering documents and making copies takes time. I am all about money making activities. That is not one of them. Really I have far more important things to do than to deal with that shit! L Drama! I’m going to find that one thing that I want to do… I know what I’m passionate about to my core, but something that is fun and I love to do. -Dancing? -Choreography? -Hmmm just thinking out loud tonight.
I feel as if I really could use the help. I feel a bit overwhelmed with my financial challenge right now. It’s not by choice but by responsibility. Why is it that some of us just are not responsible? Hmm let’s see…actually... It’s all about CHOICE!
Choose to or Choose not to.
We cannot control others decisions but we can choose how we react to things. Maybe choose not to push buttons… That game of TAG is mighty childish.
I am so humbly grateful for where I am today. I am being taken care of. I’m still manifesting money everyday and handling my business responsibly. I just keep moving forward and someday I trust it will get smoother.
I’m kind of tired and really hooked on this book I have been reading… It’s after 10pm and I want to read for a bit…. So there’s today’s thoughts out LOUD…
Love and Light
Friday, September 26, 2008
I’m all about communication and explanation.
I’m 32 and I know that I am searching for something unconsciously because I feel drawn to the energy. So I’m open.
I feel as if everything is going to be ok. Not sure how though???
But here I am starting a new chapter of my life of doing and living a fun and enriching life. I am deeply passionate about helping people. –That’s the direction I am drawn to….
I love to talk…. And I love an intellectual conversation that I can relate too. I love the growth in learning new perspectives and stimulating my thoughts….
I am all about personal growth and my journey is of sharing my life’s experiences with others and trusting that something I said sparked something deep within them.
I realized that in order for me to get connected to me again…. I had to get rid of my dirty bastard x-husband. AND That’s CRAZY! To me. I felt as if I gave him everything, and in the end I got shit on because he couldn’t handle it.
I am young and looking for some sense of peacefulness and security with a lax lifestyle. I eat all organic, natural, raw and whole foods. Not a vegan for sure… I believe in saving the planet and breathing healthy air. All natural cleaning products are important to me and getting exercise. I LOVE to cook and I LOVE to dance. I’m going to have FUN and raise my boys. They are 15 and 12 and I’m so grateful that they are not too young to stay at home by themselves.
I’m an open and honest and I’m not looking to play a game with my life. I am looking for stability so I can focus on the more important things.
I am a slender energetic woman who believes in having integrity!
I have many challenges in my life right now… but I will tell you that I am a charging Rhino who is on a mission to overcome whatever comes within my path of my goals.
I am always looking for more friends in my life. A good social lifestyle is healthy for me.
Just more thoughts for today…
Thursday, September 25, 2008
What am I focusing on right now that keeps these situations coming along?
I feel as if it’s NOT me it’s other people’s decisions. I can’t control other people and what they choose to do.
Dirty Bastard’s, I feel sorry for them. It’s sad to me to see the choices they make and deal with the consequences for “ME” Ahhhh it’s all about being in CONTROL, and that is what I feel drives them.
This brings me to my thoughts of my own strength within myself. The keyword being; “ME” Yes that is who I am at the core.
No matter what comes my way I feel as if I can overcome it! Is this the answer of how I’m continually bringing upon myself more challenges? No really? Oh shit, I’m going to be changing that record from this point forward.
Thank you for the awareness. Yes this wisdom to see what can be done VS focusing on what is going wrong.
Today I feel at calm. Whatever happens will happen and that is the way it is supposed to be. I will deal with it when it gets to that point. Right now I’m in this moment and it’s so calming!!!
So I’m going dancing on Friday night. I gotta run a few errands but after that I’m free for the better part of the day. A moment for “ME” I’m super excited!
To live and love!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
And I DID! YES I feel so powerful right now.
My hands have been used and abused this weekend. They are sore. But I scraped off the tile in my kitchen today, and over the course of the weekend I emptied all the garbage out of Burlington and into a dumpster, and hauled the wood to Snohomish for CJ. -It looks so much nicer.
Yes it was hard work and I did it myself, and for once I truly feel accomplished. It was NEW challenging work and I’m definitely going to feel it in my muscles tomorrow.
Today there was another hurdle put forth in front of me and I must take a step back and allow life to unravel itself. -Right?
Yes I can analyze it, but I feel as if I need to sit back and just keep focus on what I want. Stay out of my head. Feel with my heart and soul….
Monday, September 8, 2008
This weekend was such a productive weekend though! I feel great about my progress and my new discoveries……
The kids and I were able to have a few days to get some stuff done that we have been putting off for quite sometime now….and yes we had fun doing it! It feels good to get things done!!!!! Like a weight has been lifted. At least that is the way it is for me.
Thank you for the time to get those things done and the decision to do so.
Today I had such a wonderful day! It was so beautiful and sunny.
I was so grateful that I chose not to be the handyman and work on drywall, flooring, siding, tape n texture and you know the manly stuff…. Instead I got my house in order and cleaned up.
I just want to take a second and say thank you to my soon to be x-husband….
AKA: Dirty Bastard. Thanks for walking out on me and leaving me with all of our financial responsibility and the chores of finishing up all your unfinished projects. I truly have learned a lot from this experience.
OK it’s late and I have lots to do on my Monday….
Today I am grateful for my children, my dooger dogs, my friends, myself, my choices, my experiences, laughter, the sunny skies, the surroundings of my home and the universe for being so abundant. I am truly blessed by this experience within my journey. Thank you!!!!!!
Friday, September 5, 2008
I have distractions in my life and I am not going to allow them to continue. Time to get focused in on what it is I want. -Time to start the manifestation process for some things.
I feel as if I have too much on my plate… Now the solution is to start eliminating what’s there.
It’s 9 -something and I’m tired. For once I am giving in to my body and listening to it. It’s telling me that I’m exhausted and sleep is needed.
To all my friends a BIG thank you for everything that you guys have done I truly am indebted to you for your generosity.
Today I am thankful for the rays of the sun as they keep my body from getting cold. I’m also thankful for knowing what I should be doing and having the able body to do it!
Love and Light!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Starting to go a bit crazy.... I decided the other day that I MUST take out 1 night a week and go do something!
Since I LOVE to dance it would be just that. SO this Wednesday I am going out to go dance the night away. Making new friends and I try to have fun everyday, but some days that is not an option.... I am just so busy. BUT the silver lining is that things are slowing down and the kids are getting back to school. Structure....YES!
Just a quick update on me.... life is great! I keep acquiring new clients just in the course of talking with people. I'm not even trying, as accounting is not what I want to do.... BUT it pays the bills so I'm doing it until I find something else.
Just making friends down here so that I have a wonderful supportive network, and I do but they are all mostly in Skagit County. I need some friends that are closer....
I'm manifesting wonderful things to me and staying above ground.
Thank you for the appreciation I have for my life.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Today was beautiful and I had a blast!
Love and light
Sunday, August 10, 2008
What is it that I’m supposed to be doing? AM I really supposed to be doing that? You know thinking about what I’m supposed to be doing… Just relax! I am so in my head right now with I’m not doing good enough! BUT I know that it’s a process and these things take time. So I’ve decided to do what makes me feel good!
Today I’m tense for some reason… I feel unorganized and in sorts. So today I’m cleaning out my files and paperwork. Here’s to continuing to purge the clutter.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I fell today and all I can say is, I’m glad it’s my left foot. Thankful for that one, it coulda been my gas pedal foot. At least I can drive to where I gotta go.
I feel happy and content today. I just wanted to share that.
My friends came over for dinner today. To be in good stimulating company is a change in pace. I almost forgot that I really love to converse with people. All these things that I knew existed at one time of my life is coming back! I feel as if I’m stronger than ever. Everyday I am manifesting money into my life and I’m here to celebrate that.
I played with my dogs today and that felt great. I spilled the box of BB’s all over the floor while I was playing, and I laughed at myself.
The change in pace is much nicer and calm. Here’s celebrating a new beginning.
Next week I’m gonna go to Seattle for a few days and start looking for work. I’m gonna stay with my cousins I think? Excited to try something different in life; something I love and want to do….. Dance!
Lots to do on my mission…. I will check back in a few days.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Sometimes life has an interesting twist in store for you, you just don’t know it yet!
Maybe there are signs….. But are you open enough to be aware of those signs? Take action?
So I have been asking my husband for a divorce for quite sometime and every time I do… I am promised that things are going to get better and then that’s when the cycle started. No more empty promises for me.
So looking back on it now…. I see that the night that Tom left was NOT a Bipolar episode. (This is what I've been telling myself) I've now learned the truth. It was a breaking point! -The point of not being able to take it anymore.
Here’s my only negative energy on this….. It’s too bad that this happened the way that it did. I am very hurt because I know I deserved the respect of a conversation knowing what changes were about to happen in my and the children’s life. I’m a planner! No instead Tom leaves for a business trip and before he leaves he empties the
So yes Tom and I are getting a divorce and in the beginning it was a sleep deprived whirlwind. Now that the dust is starting to settle, I have discovered many things.
For quite sometime now, I have been searching for something…. My POWER! The very thing that I educate people that we all have, we just have to feel it like a super flow of effortlessness forward motion energy. Where was my inner power? I knew that before I met Tom I was strong, confident, beautiful, and sexy. During my marriage, I lost myself in translation. How? Uhhh dunno. All I know is that I booked myself a 1 way ticket to a spiritual healing retreat. There’s something wrong with me? Baggage? Deeper Shit? What? I was searching.....
So here’s what going on for me now.
I’M BACK! BUT EVEN STRONGER.....It’s amazing to me the detour I’ve taken in life.
A divorce… I never thought it would ever happen again. The massive debt load and the pressures of being a single mother are just a few things that hinder my thoughts on occasion.
This I know… I’ve learned that in order for life to change you must FEEL it on the inside first. Only then will the universe unfold and reveal the very thing you manifested AND for the first time ever, I feel MY POWER and it’s absolutely amazing! To me it’s like a calm serene place that is filled with peace. To be connected to myself is an amazing accomplishment. Interestingly enough… The very thing that I was searching for (MY INNER POWER) was that I just needed to take the control of myself and my best interest. Which was the decision to finally move forward in divorcing Tom.Thanks Tom for leaving me. I've never been dumped before, it was kinda weird to me. ~Anyways....
Get the hell outta my way! Cuz this girl is focusing on making this all work and recovering from this challenge. I haven't figured out what my lesson was, but it definitely is on my mind. Along with 100 other things too. I'm so glad that I can multitask!
I know in my heart and soul that I’m going to make it! Everyday I manifest more and more into my life and for once, my life it’s going as planned.
No more struggling with the stress of another person not doing their part. -Just me and my accountability.
To you and your accountability....
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dude! My computer’s hardboard died, so getting access to the internet has been a challenge. Still going to blog when I get a chance. So here’s the skinny on the last few weeks……..
Have you ever been just cruising through life and then all of a sudden something happens that dramatically changes everything?
It is so hard for me to believe that my life has taken a 360 degree flip and then some….
There have been so many awakenings that have opened my eyes further into this journey of where I am headed.
A friend recently told me that “Sometimes it takes something drastic to happen for that change to shift”
A force that is stronger than what you can control. Control, which is what I have been out of for the past,… about 4 years. I believe myself to say that I have been in a comatose state. Waking up and figuring this mess out is going to be a challenge but I know that deep down within myself I am so much closer to being within my inner power. Scary but I know that it will all be ok. Breathe……
It feels so good to be back! Now it’s time to clean up the mess.
I going to get a job and this time, I have decided to do something FUN with my life for a career.
I’m super excited!
I am so grateful to have the greatest friends in my life.
I am so grateful that I drive a beautiful gas guzzler.
I am so grateful for things working out.
I am so grateful for the money I have in the bank.
And of course but not least, I am grateful for my kid’s smiles.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
This is something that is not new to me but as I evolve and form a deeper awareness, I am understanding what I feel say and think has an impact on the out come of where I’m headed.
Thank you for the awareness of understanding the records I constantly play in my head. I am on day 7 of catching and keeping myself playing a new record and I just have to share with you that I am so happy that I have finally come to realize the power of my words, and thoughts. I have developed a new awareness of listening deeper into what I say and catching myself before I continue to play that negative record.
Consciously bringing what thoughts I want into my life and seeing myself grow and continue to make the mistakes. We are all human, and we all make mistakes.
Thank you to myself for taking the action for change to take place. Imperfect action: yet action. I’d rather take what I’ve learned and apply it into my life, than to have learned it, and not utilize it at all.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Here's to remembering!
My self awareness has grown to a whole new level and since November I've allowed myself to be in a victimized slump. I'm so grateful for the awareness I received at my last conference. So I want to share with you that every time I go to a Life changing conference... I grow to a level of high conscientiousness of my being. We all have the power within ourselves to be great and when WE decide to get connected to it, it's magical. I'm not all the way there but I'm definitely on the right path... I am learning new things about myself that assist me in new discoveries.
But this conference was different... I have Self realizations instead. I feel that in itself those are Breakthroughs too.
Thank you for all the moments!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
What this means to me right now is....the over abundant amount of weeds I'm pulling out of our yard. Quite a chore but after Breakthroughs, I understand to work on things a little bit at a time. Not push myself to bust my ass all day on a project. Just this morning after my walk I watered my flowers and admired the work that Tyler and I did. Our reward.... Wild Waves today all day until they close! Not all work and NO play. Have a little of both. So here I am blogging from Wild Waves and sharing my thoughts and eye opening experiences.
I am truly blessed and thankful for our Cancun trip to yet the second Breakthroughs conference. I was educated further on my diet that will be more beneficial for us as a family but most importantly, the self realizations I got about myself. They say when you're ready you will see. That expression of seeing with new eyes is true. Now for me the challenge is breaking free from those old conditioned habits and creating new ones.
Today as I was walking I realized that I see with my eyes and think with my head but I'm not sure what it means to feel with my heart. My feelings are a flip of a switch I feel and most of the time I feel cold and snappy. Why? The most important question is.... How do I change that? Today I asked myself what does FUN feel like and I went straight to my head. NO NO NO my friend, that is the biggest thing I've learned about myself. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Well most you who know me, know that I am gearing up to fly to Sedona for a spiritual healing retreat. I'm super excited about this as I truly want to shed off the excess baggage that hinders me. I feel that some of what I what to fell is buried with old feelings that have attachment to the past, maybe past life regressions. I don't know the answer to that but I do know that I am open for anything right now. I truly want to be saved from myself. Allowing and letting go.
Well it's beautiful outside and I want to go play on the rides and the slides.
Have a spectacular day....
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
After the whirlwind weekend my head was still spinning about my newly discovered EGO.
My interpretations of my own EGO was that I wasn't really stuck on myself... BUT now I learned what EGO really meant.
It's your EGO brain trying to keep you comfortable by showing you FEAR. Your EGO doesn't want you to take any risks.
This is FEAR...
That was so profound. My awareness is much greater now. I just wanted a better understanding. I'm analytical... Today I was still not clear on exactly what the ego is and I came across this website. AMAZAZING INFO!
Check it out! http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/ego.htm
My perspective of understanding is very clear. I love the examples this writer gives...
Truly excited to start meditating using OM or shall I say AUM....
Love and Light!
Monday, June 9, 2008
In my lifetime I have been diagnosed with OCD, Bi polar, Anxiety and Depression. I’m supposed to take prescription medication but I have been able to manage myself up until now for some reason. The other day I realized that I’m telling myself over and over again that I have “those” things wrong with me and that is my excuse for my behaviors. -My mind is like a crazed lunatic running around in circles. There is no rhyme or reason within my brain and I truly want to change the cluttered noise!
Getting centered is my main focus.
I feel that I have an over abundance in responsibilities and my husband is going to take some of those off of my hands and lighten my load. That will be a big blessing.
Not too long ago I was a strong person in that… nothing stood in my way. I had a vision. I am still that person however, since my experience in Personal Development and my emotional breakthroughs of allowing the baggage to come up… I have reverted back to a lost and confused child. It’s like I’m young again in my head but my body remained the same. Who I once was and how I feel now, are like opposite ends of the spectrum. So I’m a young child in my mind that has an immense amount of responsibility because I’m really 32. I can no longer handle all those responsibility until I purge some of this emotional crap! There are in securities that came up and a sense of feeling lost and confused.
So I’m Getting centered…. To me that means meditating and getting in touch with who Kim is on the inside. -My energy! I know that without a doubt we are all connected through energy. I feel as if I’m no longer connected with myself. If I’m not connected with myself… how can I be connected with everything else??? I know that I never got the education of personal development in school back when I grew up… so how did I find the education? Honestly I realized awhile ago that I have been living my life and educating myself through those experiences. -Instead of saying why me? I now see it as what the hell was I supposed to learn this time? Sometimes it takes awhile before I understand what I was supposed to learn. Those sometimes can be the “HARD” way. At this point of my life, I believe I have the challenge that is going to be the icing on the cake in understanding of my “TRUE” power. I will honestly say that in my power that I saw not too long ago… I was faking it but it was with good intentions…. Raise my 2 boys, buy a house, no CC debt basically it was all about money.
Now since I’ve released a bunch of SHIT! I must create the bridge of connecting to my truest power from within my heart. Cuz your heart is how I should live life, not by thinking my way through life. (I’ve done that my whole life) Feeling is something new that I’m realizing I never truly had. I believe that I have come to a cross roads. I believe that some true time to “ME’ is needed.
Thank you to my husband Tom who is patient and understanding.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Why do I understand what I’m doing, thinking and feeling wrong? YET I still do it?
I understand what changes I have to make but I still fall back into those old thoughts and feelings.
How do you quiet the chatter of your EGO mind and start to feel?
My mind, that just wants to focus on our debt by being scared. My mind wants me to focus that Tom and I are not “employed” so this fear has me scared of where the money is coming in from for our lifestyle…. It’s the conditioning of my parents. If you work hard then you get ahead. But I already know that’s a lie. I know that we have a true amount of abundance in our life. It’s the conditioning of my parents; really my dad. He always taught me to pay in cash or it’s not something you need right now. So I feel that even though I have an incredible amount of abundance in my life… since it’s on credit and mortgages, I feel massively in debt. Conditioning + EGO is tough!
Tom and I used to have jobs. The hours sucked, you never saw your family(kids), you had to check someone else’s schedule before you could plan your own vacations, and the money wasn’t really what you wanted to make anyways. So we quit our jobs and became “Self Employed”
Tom and I work out butts off in our contracting business(more paperwork and taxes!) and we barely made it. That is the business did, but what about us personally. Tom did as many side jobs, and I took on a few clients. I prayed that everything would work out; I would stress myself out in worry. -Again my EGO mind.
So here’s my biggest one... I’m not working right now, and I’m scared because all of our financial requirements are for Tom to figure out. It’s not me taking care of my own responsibilities; I’m relying on someone else. Is that my EGO or old conditioning of “working hard?”
So I’ve been working with a wonderful therapist for 10 years in helping me put my life back on track from where it was. That was a long time ago, and I will say that I have had tremendous growth in this journey. I still have this massive hump to get over but I know that the answers I have been seeking all this time is coming soon.
I just wanted to blog today instead of journal and share with you my own struggles of quieting my EGO mind and changing the conditioning of my past. I jump in my thoughts as my mind just runs and runs. Quieting this mind has been a challenge!.
This energy aspect is so amazing to me. Even though I struggle in changing those habits, I know that I can overcome this and create a blissful life with my ever so loving and patient husband and our 4 children.
Today I am truly grateful for color. ~A color either inspires you by uplifting you, or is dark and dreary and brings you down.
We started to paint our house the other day, and it’s amazing how color changes everything.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I am so grateful that allowing is something I'm aware of....
It’s funny how we attract things into our life. –Did any of you know that we can and do deliberately attract things to us??? Whether we want them or not!
I knew about Law of Attraction… but I’m very analytical and I knew that the Law of Attraction existed but it was just merely a concept to me because I never understood it as I was never educated about how it all works. Just that I had to choose my words and thoughts carefully. -Positive or Negative….
Tom and I went to a conference this last weekend and we learned the science behind the Law of Attraction. For me... unless it’s clear on how something works, I have only an idea. Thank you BMI…. Now that LOA has been broken down into the analytical side, everything now makes sense as to this universal law.
Bottom line is this… Life is all about feeling and thoughts. Feel your way through life and buckle your seat belt for the ride of your life. For me though it has always been about thinking my way through life. Uh what happens though is my brain (EGO) keeps me comfortable. That is where my fears and anxiety come in. That’s my ego brain trying to hold me back from changing. If you feel your way through life, the ego brain is not there to tell you a lie. Everything that I’ve heard my ego brain tell me is…..
This is too expensive
I can’t do that
I’ll get hurt
I’m too old to do that
That’s going to hurt
I have to work hard to get anywhere
A job is security
I can’t afford that
I’m too tired to do that
I’m not sure what the best decision is
Where has this gotten me…. Well for starters we are successful because Tom and I do work hard. However I’ve learned that I have been limiting myself through how I feel.
I feel ½ of those things on that list at some point of my week, sometimes day! What kind of energy am I emanating to the universal law of attraction? Not a good one.
Start your life everyday with love and gratitude.
Be grateful for where you are right now and remember to have fun!
Those little steps lead the way to a prominent future.
Be open and allow your feelings to lead your life
Cheers to you and your journey
Monday, May 12, 2008
So the other day I did not want to get to
Yuck pulling weeds is not the most glamorous thing on my list of to do’s. So I put it off for as long as I could stand it. I went there sucked it up and just went for it. Got it done! Gratitude for that dirty job being done! So this brings me why I’m blogging today.
Lately in my life, I have been struggling with where exactly is my passion? I know what I want to do, but what really lights my fire?
This journey of releasing my emotional baggage has brought me through this tunnel of spinning, tumbling and has turned my beliefs and my mind upside down. I’ve struggled with Who am I? What do I love? Am I truly happy? Do I love where I’m at in my life? What do I want to do to make a difference? Some of those have been answered by following the discovery program but for the most part, I still feel as if I’m drifting along life just taking care of the day to day needs.
The greatest advice that my friend shared with me a while ago, was to go dig in the dirt.
Hmmm “go dig in the dirt” What a funny thing to say to someone for advice. It was January and it’s
I realized that my passion doesn’t have to be exactly what I think it’s supposed to be.
I do know that without a doubt, in my mind, I empower abusive victims to become survivors. So what’s the passion that lights my fire? -That fire is Tommy & Tabi!
My other two kids live with their mother & step father who act like victims in life. I can say that opinion in confidence as this used to be me years ago. Wendy will not allow the kids to move to their dad’s house and they really want to come and live with us. When we tried to get custody using the plea from the kids’ counselor about the hostility in the home the laws in
I have to say that I am grateful that I have met Wendy. There have been so many good things that have come out of being introduced to the kid’s mother Wendy is very controlling with the kids and I will admit that I used to be that way with CJ’s dad as I also kept strictly to my parenting plan. Until the year I met the kids. I saw what it did to Tabi and Tommy because of the constraint of their mom. So needless to say I’ve changed a few things in my life because of what I learned from being on the other side of the fence. I believe that the emotional part of my connection with the Tabi and Tommy is because of the similar experiences that I endured as a child. I empower people to become survivors and that is what I want for them, but who in a million years would’ve of ever thought my passion is starting with my own children.
Even though I know my passion is to empower victims of abuse, the passion for helping my step children get out of their situation is even bigger to me. I guess I have to start with my own challenges in that area first. Then who knows where I’ll go after I’ve helped Tommy and Tabi. I know that I am not their biological mother... I sure wished I was. Just so I can protect them from what I have been able to shelter my 2 boys from. -Abuse.
This also brings me to another eye opener I had….. Empowering myself in our new business. Yes I will admit I’m scared! Scared because of the conditioning I received all my life to believe that a JOB is security. -$$$ coming in is guaranteed… This is what I believed was the only way to have security. I call bullshit! That is called a trap of having someone else control what they want you to do, trading time for $$, and sacrificing my valuable time for someone else. No way is that security. Even though I may not have the ability to say I get paid on Friday, I have the ability to live my life on my terms. The conditioning of changing my perspective from scarcity to understanding that everything is going to be ok has been the biggest challenges of them ALL! My gratitude journal has been a great tool for me to focus on the gratefulness of what I have right now. AND now is the most important things as it’s in the present moment.
So I feel that digging in the dirt with the mother earth is beneficial to getting in touch with a deeper you. -Connection… that is how this earth works. I’m thankful for my friend for giving me the advice. I’m also grateful for the 5 acres of beautiful yard I get to sculpt with Mother Nature; using her flowers and beauty.
Our Pictures of our project in Snohomish. http://snohomish.shutterfly.com/action
So the office/storage in
Friday, April 18, 2008
Today I’m writing to congratulate myself on my success! I have been writing in a Gratitude journal everyday, and today is different. I feel a sense of deeper gratitude.
So I thought that I wanted to Blog this and share with all of you a stepping stone in my own personal growth.
Through all my challenges and many lessons that I’ve learned through experience, I’ve noticed that I continue to rise to the top. This is good!
When I think about what my childhood was like….. I now understand that I was supposed to have those experiences in order to relate to my step children and what they are going through with their own mother. Awareness is to me, one of the greatest gifts I can give to someone. I’d want them to be educated, so they can learn ways to protect themselves.
When I look at the abuse I endured… I can say that I am thankful and I’m a much stronger person because of those experiences!
When I see how much money I feel I’ve thrown away because of my many lessons of life…. In looking back, I understand those learning experiences and the lessons were what I was given in return. It wasn’t about the money!
Funny how this journey of life takes us through the ups and the downs and in every moment there is something there to be learned. I’m grateful that in every moment I understand now that even the ruts in life, there are lessons too.
I’m grateful for my awareness to be open.
I am so grateful to have the vision of discovering the inner me.
Today I am grateful for every moment of peace and quiet and for everything I am surrounded by. This universe is such an amazing place to me and Earth is just a minuet spec in the vast unknown universe.
We are ALL connected in some way or another. So to me the vibrations I give are very important ones, as I am carving out my future moment by moment. –So live in the moment but definitely make plans for the future.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
So talking with my 14yr old son the other day sparked an idea within me.I am uncomfortable in my life right now, and this journey of being in debt is captivating my fears. Am I really getting out of my comfort zone here?
The funny thing is when I look back at the history of my life; we have always been financially taken care of. -Miraculously.
Miraculously by the actions I chose at that moment in my life, I've always made it!
Yes, thank goodness for my husband, Tom who has a different vision for our family.
Yes I'll admit I definitely want more in my life. Who wouldn't? -Tom's visions are high. We have imagined with each other our path of what we do want in our life. BUT I have those limiting beliefs that have kept me in my comfort zone. "Oh we don't require that, we don't have the $$$ for it. That is why Tom and I are together. He is here as my life partner, and show me a new perspective in dreaming. Another piece of my puzzle along this journey was the Discovery series. My 56 days to destiny gave me awareness and the ability to change. I'm definitely still moving forward and have reached a new level.
I just have to share with all of you…….I journaled the other day and I had a self realization.
In journaling I became aware of a fear that keeps me in my comfort zone. A statement that came from my dad who still lives by this motto…. If you can't pay cash for it, then you don't really need it. This is a statement that gave my power away.
I left home at 15 and in growing up without the supervision of my parents, I learned early on in life that credit is important; I chose to build my credit. My father doesn't understand that managing your credit is just as good too. Yes, it's debt but to me, it's abundance. I am learning to turn my focus to what I do have in life.
I am very good with my finances, however I have the belief that I don't deserve it because I still owe money on it and I freak out! Is this a by-product of his statement of not having the money to spend? –Guilt!
So I keep telling myself to start writing in my "Gratitude Journal"……
Lessons come in so many shapes and forms. Some are very painful and some are blissful. It's funny how something happens in your life and in that time, it doesn't make sense???
I'm Analytical…always trying to figure the angles….well it never works out in my favor.
So I just keep moving forward in my life, and then later on, something happens that was congruent to the experience that happened earlier in my life. Like it all makes sense to me and the pieces fit together like a puzzle. I see the clues along the way. So I've learned that those clues are all part of this process of life.
My journey has been bumpy and I have been a victim for most of my life. I realize, after my divorce from my 1st husband that being a victim was not a positive choice. So I changed that. Was it comfortable? No.
Along the path of understanding, I have come across many life lessons. I know that being OUT of my comfortable zone is where the change takes place.
~So today is my reset day for a new beginning~
I am grateful for what I have in my life right now. I am thankful for my past experiences; yes, even the not so good feeling. They have all moved me forward somehow in my life, if not made me stronger. I am successful and I deserve it! Assets, our beautiful office, our family home on 5 acres, our toys, brand new car, my beautiful babies, my husband who helps me with the balance of life and helps with our children. -Bonus; Tom cooks too.
I am grateful now that I have become aware of this belief I have with debt and desirability. The one who created us, also created abundance. I deserve everything I have in my life as I've attracted that to me.
Here's to moving out of my comfort zone.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
It’s been a bit since I’ve blogged. Sometimes in life, I bounce back and forth between my personal journal with my thoughts and what I choose to share with all of you.
Anyways~ I find myself drawn to going again, but since we moved an hour away, where would I go? Found a place right here in Snohomish. We like it. So every time I have gone to church I always get tears. Why? Hmmm I wish I knew but for the first few weeks I was this tough emotional stuffer and I could stop myself from crying. Last Sunday, I went to church and the tears were flowing right when we got to church, parts of church and in the end too. Crazy!
I know now that I deserve the things I have in my life. I never used to feel that way.
Right now actually I am still amazed at where I am in life and how the heck I got here. It was very bumpy ride and I now believe that anything is possible. I just have to be in the right state of mind. Allowing the emotional roller coaster out has been a challenge for me to stay in the right mind. I know that I cannot tackle this myself so I’m turning it over to the pro. -GOD
Well I know that if I truly want it then I will do it. Taking care of my body has been on the top of my thoughts for about 5 months. I’ve started walking 3 miles with Tom in the morning. It’s so nice now that we both can be at home and work our own schedule. BONUS: To have Spring rolling around with sunny and earlier mornings is a good thing right now. I cannot stand the winters here in dark ass
I know that there is more there that I have to let go…. But for now I am knocking out the most important ones to me.
In my experience…. I’ve walked on 50 feet of burning hot 1500 degree coals, broke an arrow on my throat, and bent rebar with the softer part of my throat. See pics at www.getmeoutofmyjob.com I truly understand the power of the mind. I’m still learning how to harness that power!
I’ve used the power to do many great things in my past, and I’m excited for the life that is in the future. Thank you as myself and my family are very blessed.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
All my life, well as far back as I can remember, I have always had to be in charge.
When I was younger while my mother was at school or work, I had to help out with my brother. My mother used to have seizures and I'd have to take care of that too. Taking care of things has been the core of who I am.
So here I am again as things are brought to my attention... Taking care of it!
I realize that in order for me to truly live life, I must slow down in life. I'm a busy body, like my mother and my grandmother. (It must be a Korean thing?) This I decided is no way to live my life. BUSY! What? No I am in the process of slowing down. What does this mean…? Well I will admit that I knew this was a deeply strong desire of mine, BUT I've allowed myself to entertain the distractions that I make for myself.
Here's the question…. Why do I entertain these distractions?
I truly want this for myself but I put it off. So today was my groundbreaking start.
I get to dive straight into this question. I'm sure there is some kind of deeply hurtful thing associated with this. When I talk about the desire to slow down in life, I get tearful. I have a feeling of hopelessness. Hmmm my question is why?
What does this mean to slow down? Breathe slower, one task at a time, read more, take the time in for me. I already day dream and take time in, but to truly take time in means to calm the inner self and throw out the garbage.
For once in this journey of understanding, I understand what truly quieting the mind means… NOW the trick is to take action.
I am my worst critic. I beat myself for the mistakes I make in life and I hang onto those for forever…
Here's the bottom line… IMPERFECT ACTION is better than NO ACTION. I'm realizing that this holds true in ANY situation.
Today I am grateful for the lessons that come up and the new vision of change.
This all started with wanting to clear the clutter and throw out the baggage, and it has evolved to a whole different level. I know this is right, even though it feels so shitty, but in the end I will feel free. That's my drive to get myself through this.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
It is ok to see the challenge in front of you and be scared! Be scared and still do it and life will be amazing. Because you stretched yourself to the challenge of change. I'm giving myself credit for doing that in my life!
Be proud of all that you do. The mistakes are part of the process.
Friday, February 22, 2008
When someone touches me in a, oh so good spot things in my life start feeling uncomfortable. -Normal things between married couples. But for me, all I hear is my mother saying how I'm a dirty little girl. Wow, to come to understand why I feel uncomfortable about what your husband does is normal. I just have this belief that touching me sexually is a dirty thing. Really what that boils down to is that my mother taught me that.
Tom to touch me and love me is ok because I like it. To shed the belief that I now understand, I must learn to love and allow.
I like it when you rub my luscious lips. I love it when you are freshly shaven. I love that you can cook, I love your bald head, and I love and admire your passion for being successful. -I love you.
Deep seeded things that I never really understood, until now.
Who would've ever dreamed that some of the things you do today are a direct correlation to some of your past. Huh? I'm still learning more about me here. Talk about an awakening to something much deeper though.
This means that we hold ourselves back because of some of the beliefs we were labeled with as a child. This can be detrimental and devastating. Sheesh, its tough enough just growing up as a kid.
Something that someone once said to you and; with that person's belief, they judged you and I guess it tends to stick for some reason. Thats what we get for looking up to our peers or our parents. Who'd ever known that! Definitely NOT ME! Until now….
What I learned a long time ago and I've always called it… Generational Error. –The things we get from our parents, the things they got from their parents, and the things they got from their parents, and so on…. -This vicious cycle.
I'm thankful of my awareness' to some of the reasons why I tell Tom no.
I've learned so many things from my parents. I'm so thankful that my parents taught me things that I'd never want my children to experience because I remember the way it made me feel. I'm thankful for some of the lessons I was taught by "the hard way" because that changed my life in a dramatic way. AND a BIG THANK YOU again for the challenges you put forth with those deep seeded thoughts I have. They have taught me that what I like is all that matters, and its ok. I am learning the aspect of allowing things to happen. You know they say go with the flow….. Tom said it the other day in talking to me about riding the flow of life. He likes it mellow and I like it with determinate, speed. I'm learning about allowing the change to flow within me from the core of what I want. By the way I'm still figuring out me right now, what I want is next, I promise.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Not the way I would've ever imagined this conversation I had with my mother. BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL.....
Finally doing something outside of my comfort zone! I have been able to confront my mother about some things that happened when I was a child. –No longer scared of her….I was able to express how I felt about those situations that made a big impression in my life...
Monte made such an impact and I know that my mother does not know the whole story. I told my mother that my relationship with her was not close when I was a child…. I knew this because of how I remember the incident with Monte and how I came forth. I told my best friends mother about it before I told my own mother. I remember that I was so afraid of my mother when I was a child.
To express myself freely with my mother was a great thing. Maybe the beer I shared with Tom earlier aided in that but overall….. The conversation we had was such a connection that I've never shared with her in my life. I feel like since I was able to tell her about some of the incidents that made such an impact on my life. -I was uplifted to express myself about something that bothered me as a child.
The enlightened feeling I have about this whole connection with my mom…
She has no idea of my breakthrough with her when Tom and I attended the Breakthroughs with Jeffrey Combs. That's when I had confirmation of the angry feelings against my mother.
Many Breakthroughs for me in my life, each one I learn something different. To see the growth that I am doing is an eye opening experience for me. I truly can choose what I want in life. I have had many things happen in my life and most of my childhood memories are not happy ones. But I learned after I divorced my 1st husband that I could choose to have a victorious life as a survivor. So I changed my tune of no longer choosing to be a victim. This still meant that I had the past to deal with but never knew how. That conversation with my mother was a deep sense of connection to my mother. She was allowing herself to be vulnerable and I allowed myself the same privilege.
I stood up to my mother without any of the confrontations. -Just a conversation.
I'm sure there are many more learning experiences that I will be challenged with in my life.....I'm definately learning along the way.
Thank you for the abundance I have in my life, I am truly blessed beyond measure.