It's been nice!

Last year, August... I was productively planting out in my yard. I had the kids and my mom here to help.  I felt as if I was racing so the plants could have time to grow. Also, the last phase of the grass needed to be hydroseeded. In the end, by the time fall arrived... I (we) got it done. Happily a labor of love!

This year has been a bit different. I wanted to get out in the yard to weed, but either I was too exhausted after work. I could have since I'm usually home by 4pm... but didn't. Or it rained on the weekends. Theeeen... I wanted to actually get out there but Fred had become worse and very painful, so that stopped me in my tracks. 

So after my surgery to evict Fred, I had almost a week of not doing anything. That was challenging for me as I am not the person to just sit and be. Couldn't pick up a book for the life of me and was SO sick of TV. OMG!!!

So this last weekend was nice! I have finally been able to get out into my yard to weed the over sprayed hydroseeded grass out of the lilies I planted. Boy are there a TON of weeds and even more grass from where they over sprayed the hydroseed from planting the grass last year. But the silver lining is that the grass is a one and done things. It'll be much easier to maintain, once it's all done. 

So grateful for getting my butt outside to clean up the yard. This is one laborious task that I can do all day long with no complaints. 

Don't have too!

I don't have to go to the gym every day. I have a gym right here in my backyard! I stated that I wanted to go to the gym daily and start on the 19th and I probably will start at some point, but not this week. I need some time to find the new balance for my day, for me. Whatever that may be!

My mindset is so stuck, still. I am not 20, or even 30 anymore. I am almost 50 and I need to start shifting my mindset to be more realistic. I don't need to keep up, or prove anything to anyone but me!

I don't have to be an overachiever. I was raised that way, for sure! BUT it is time to start making some changes!

Cheers to the awareness and taking action to making the change.

Sooner than I thought

I just want to start by saying how much I APPRECIATE my husband Jason. He is such a wonderful man and I am so lucky to have part of his heart. Unconditional love and dedication with little complaints. He's tough! I love him, deeply!

So the office of the Messino Cancer Center called me yesterday. Turns out, that the doctor has enough information from my surgery to start discussing treatments. The PET scan will determine if it is one spot or if it has started spreading; stages...etc. 

Thought I had until June to just process, start to process this. Turns out that those answers are coming sooner. Okay.

Buckle -up, this ride is about to do something? AND I'm about to find out.

And the results are in!

You hear about it, but many times it’s just out there happening to others... sometimes, it’s close to home. No one ever really feels that their going to get Cancer, but when you get the news, it’s… WOW!  - OMG, what did you say? I have Cancer. 

I just found out that the biopsy results show that I have squamous cell carcinoma. Anal Cancer. WTF! Our bodies are made up of squamous cells… They multiply, but when one area multiplies faster that normal, it develops into a cancerous area. (Still discovering WTF this is) Either way... it just happens. There are some leading causes and I can say that I am guilty of some of the things that are on that list, but that was SOOOOO long ago. Like 20+ years ago, but… life does have a way of catching up to you. Fore sure!

I just got the news yesterday and it hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m definitely still processing. Very emotional right now!!! I have zero family history of Cancer in my entire family. My mom had thyroid cancer, but her doctor’s told her it was job related. Who knows how true that is, but she did work with radiation in her career at Pearl Harbor; so maybe that’s true. Who really knows!

I was emotional yesterday. I called and talked to all the important people in my life about this, especially my kids. I don’t know much right now as further testing is needed first but after processing things thus far… I have made some decisions as of right now.

First is… as unhappy as I was because of Fred, he gave me the gift of discovering that he was the surface of something greater. I still had to evict him since he hasn't left in 8 months and he is kind of a pain in my ass; but if it wasn’t for Fred, I wouldn’t have discovered the Cancer. The underlying issue of why I had surgery in the first place is still there, but at least I have answers now. Some, but even more questions. Ugh… and so it’s the gift that keeps giving!

It feels like it has been FOREVER that I have been making ass jokes about my Fred situation, but all jokes aside. Thank you, Fred, for showing up to reveal that you were just a warning sign to something greater. Glad you’re gone, but thank you!

7 months later

Wow, has it really been 7 months? I am feeling so disconnected right now. Ungrateful mostly. I recognize that the feelings and actions, must change. Haven’t blogged in a long while. It just means that everything has been good!

Lots has happened and I’m still processing, but I recognize that I need to flip the switch. Smoking again; not good. Drinking a little too. Change is rising to the surface of my emotions, though, I can feel it. Feeling like I need to flip that switch. Get serious about certain things in my life. Like food… sweet sugary yumminess. I need to cut down on my sugar. Recognizing some things about myself. Thank you! 😊

I have SO much to be grateful for. Complained that I had to pay taxes on the investments, instead of being grateful that we made that 10 fold. I just started a new Controller role. Things are so good.

Oh, and my favorite part… I’m getting ready to plant like 300 plants in the Spring with my family. That is going to totally change the look of the house. Thank you that the rock was available to mould this property. We are fortunate!

Tomorrow is Friday! Thank you! I am SOOOO ready for the weekend!

Here’s to flipping the switch

CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE

I know that if you focus your time, thoughts, and energy on things of your choosing, then you will get more of that. So why have I become so negative? Really, it’s a choice, and I fell victim to this due to my current circumstances over the past 9 months of living apart from my family. I ALLOWED it!

How many times have I preached “have gratitude” be grateful for what and where you are “now” But lately, I feel myself becoming more cynical of myself. Kind of a nag! Complainer! Bitchy! Totally not me!

Do I want something to change, yes? How do I make that happen? I still don’t know, but when the timing is right, it will happen. I need to remember not to pressure myself into making a decision that would be a mistake!

Today, I am remembering to stay true to my beliefs, have patience and love each moment, in the moment. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

Here’s to making mistakes, recognizing them, and moving forward. 

Short and Sweet

Today has been such a relaxing day! 

Thank you for the knowledge of knowing how to meal prep
Thank you for providing me the knowledge of how to cook
Thank you for my wonderful husband
Thank you for having a roof over my head while the house is still being built
Thank you for my job
Thank you for all the love that is in my life

Thank you for my health

Thank you for getting through my poison ivy

Thank you!

Too busy and not liking it!

After my day yesterday, I wanted to journal so bad, but I was SO scattered from my super frazzled day that I couldn’t even begin to type the words and articulate anything that made sense. Despite me having my entrainment yesterday, I still was super fired up about my horribly challenging day. Honestly, those days make me question my job!

I devoted myself to being in a slower lifestyle and this job has me running on most days! I run from the time I get there until the time I leave. Most days, I don’t take a lunch because I just need to get things done. No, I didn’t say I don’t eat, I just don’t stop to take a lunch “break”. I am more and more re-thinking my job and what is really “GOOD” for me. I have always been driven by the old mighty dollar, but now, not so much. I’d rather be happy.

Honestly, I am trying to be grateful, but it is becoming a challenge to stay in that mindset. I understand it is a choice and I catch myself nagging. Above everything, I must ensure that I stay positive, grounded, and make the best decisions.

Today is a better day and I am so grateful.

LOVING WHAT IS?

Today’s beautiful spoken words; magical & eloquently written in sharing myself honestly in this snippet of time. It’s been awhile, I’m sorry for not expressing myself, not dancing magically for hours, and loving what is! You only get once chance. Treat “you” nicely with love and compassion. Be real! Be Honest! Be You! Exposed, Raw down to your core being. Yes!

Can you accept your body, your spirit, mind, & soul? I must admit that I am learning to love myself. -Me! My mishaps, tribulations; experiences that I could perceive differently. Positively accepting myself, the journey of finding the lesson and celebrating those moments. Celebrating the gratitude of all my blessings.

I must admit, I am SO grateful for my existence right at this moment!!! Maybe its because I feel so very connected at this very moment! Thankful for network care in full embodiment. “Soul-ley” Laughing, smiling, and feeling joyous! Hmm, feels so good! -Thank you!

Rawness exposed in truth. I know the {70/30} {80/20 rule}; whichever one it is. I must cut to a low natural sugar, cut a bit of carbs. I am at the gym very regularly, very! (I am proud of the structured progress)… However, having moderation with my diet & exercise, is the goal. Indulge for a day or 2 but have limits on how long things go on for. Thank you for having awareness to ask the question?

What specifically do you not love? For me, it’s my saddle bags hips, thighs, back, arms, and shoulders. That’s a long list, but not all the parts on my body. That means I do love others. Yes! Yes, this is true too! Why kind of goals do you have for your body? Working hard at the gym, but diet is key! Why do I feel such a strong desire to become skinnier? Not skinnier, no… leaner!  -I do have target areas!

I am in the process of finding my balance with food; testing boundaries. My number 1 rule? I must not have a cabinet full of anything processed, candy, toxic… you get my point. I wished everyone in the world would too. Nope, not in this world. Laziness is a thing! For real! I live with a roommate who has a shit ton of this crap in her cabinets. Thankful for the awareness that my will power must always be in check. That conversation you play in your mind. Tell myself what I believe it to be, willing it, into my world, my existence!

What do you want? Isn’t that the question? Right now, it’s that I am in the process of becoming fit & leaner. Creating the necessary habits and structuring the plan of action. Having balance at the gym with lifting & toning; rotating weeks. Food! --I’m close! 17% body fat is my goal and I have 7% left to go. My diet needs to get into check. That will be the only way for me to reach this goal.

My mindset is shifting. Asking questions; real questions. What will it take to make that a reality? Will Power, Drive, Ambition, Mistakes & Progress in learning to love wholeheartedly. Having compassion, love, and joy in every day at every moment.

I want to be wholeheartedly happy! With everything! Is that possible? Can you dream it into your world? Believe it to already to exist. For me, I believe that documenting your desires, sends it into the universe where the greatest power and forces begin. Churning, and spinning the world around everything in energy! Love Gratitude and an outlook on life that is enlightening and magical! -Again, Thank you!

With wishes in sending this in time and space. Setting my desires free! -Thank you!

Here we go again…

Small sacrifices in the decisions you make will impact everything moving forward.

Asheville is amazing! So, glad we decided to move out of Florida. Too many in-differences My mindset is built on kindness, compassion, community, and a good chuck of SoFlo is just cultured differently, that it’s not working for us! So…

Here we are again. I’ve moved away for work and Jason is in the old home until the transition is finished. It will be months before our home is finished building. Amazing! We/I am so blessed to be building a house with Jason. He is excited at the projects that are in the plan to build and create landscaping. I am thankful our lives crossed paths. We were both so different when we met. Progressed magically! I love the space that will be our new home. Built with love, creativity, and imagination. Excited to be next to river; yes! Floating down in the summer is thing here! Especially excited to be blessed with lots of ideas of landscaping. I cannot wait to get started next Spring!

For now, we live in different states. We talk/video chat at least 2 times a day; every day! I miss him tremendously! Chats are not the real deal, but I’ll take it! Small sacrifice for the plan, ahead! Lots of miles traveling back and forth between homes, but worth it! Blessed, so grateful for the gift of prosperity & creativity. Thank you!

Measure what is important, make them a priority and stay focused! Cheers!

Unfolding the Heart's Desire

So much has been going on that I seriously have NOT made time to blog. I always promise myself that, this time will be different. I will blog more; I will take the time to make it happen and this time… I quit my job so what was my excuse (this time) The fact is, I will stop making those promises right now. If I really wanted blogging to be a priority, I would make it happen. But I did not. I had other higher priorities that took precedence, and I got a PT job to occupy my time since I was going crazy with boredom. On a side note, my house was SUPER clean, and my yard was beautiful!

On my last entry, I spoke about my feelings on how things went with my previous employer. Yeah, that was a hurtful situation, and the pain was around for quite longer than I really wanted it to be. My choice to keep it in my thoughts. Now it is September. OMG… what happen to the time. It just flew, and even with COVID… it still flew!

I am happy to report that with lots of energy work, love of landscaping, the urge to clean and organization, and time… all is better! Breathing wonderfully and have forgotten about SMC. Truthfully, I learned of something recently, and I could feel those feelings getting stirred and found myself pissed all over again. Therefore, consciously, I decided that I can no longer entertain discussing or thinking about it/them. Let it go with full intention of not revisiting that again, now that I know it is a trigger! Yes, to awareness!

So, I took a PT job, and ended up leaving after 4 weeks as it was not a good fit for me. Clear on my boundaries and how “I” want to be treated. Funny thing was that I was treated well as I established my boundaries right from the beginning, but the others around me… not so much and I just could no longer continue to keep myself in that toxic environment. So, I took another PT job, and unfortunately got soooooo bored, I just could not continue with it and ended up leaving.

On 7/16/2020 before I started that second PT job, I took some time to journal a list. Frankly, I’m sick of starting and leaving jobs. I really want to find my “home” -work home that is!  I felt that if I got clear about my future self with a new job and set it out to the universe to allow timing for the law of attraction to work its magic. Amazingly, I am here to report that I am set to start that new job in just a few days. Honestly, it was earlier than I ever anticipated, but I’m happy to report that the universe has unfolded 20 out of the 22line items listed for my new job. There was a few that were off a bit, but close. Like… I want to be within 20 minutes’ drive to my office; I’m 26 minutes. Other item was if I had located a higher role, but after really thinking about what was presented, I decided that I am moving to NC to take life a little easier, and a step back was just what the mind, body and soul called for. I though that my last employer took care of their employees, but I was wrong! My new employer really values and takes care of their employees GREATLY through all their benefits! Amazing company and I am SO grateful for the gift that the universe unfolded for my future self. I am excited!

In hindsight… painful as it was to leave my last employer… it was the right thing for me to do. For my mind, body, and soul. AND… I would have never been available for this opportunity if I didn’t make those hard decisions “then” -Thank you!

Heavy on my heart and can’t breathe!

For weeks… months now, I feel as if there is a heavy weight on my chest! I have had a hard time taking (easy) deep breaths. My breathing has been shallow. I feel like I must really work, contort, and stretch to expand enough to reach that deep breath. If I take a second and spend time on some energy breath work it has helped, but each day, it returns to being constricted. I have been feeling sad, weak, helpless, hateful, not of self-love, self-care, and deeply ungrateful. I have been feeling like a victim. I have felt as if, I have not been enough. I do not know why? I do not know what is going on; honestly, I had no idea! Until today! I realized there is still pain, sadness and becoming aware has allowed me to recognize it, so that I may process through it.

I am angry at my previous employer, but mostly at myself. All they did, and I allowed it; was to take, take and take… and for what? Trade my life’s spirit and soul for money. Why did I allow them, NO, why did I allow myself to let this happen? What was I trying to prove? And to who? them or myself? It is funny how past baggage shows up (again and again) In the end, I felt hopeless. Why did I get so emotional? Why do I keep replaying things over and over? The conversation with myself on this has shifted, but it is still there. It feels like the stages of grief. I have pain here, and it has been festering for quite some time. I have not been able to see it. I do not think I was ready to. Until today, now that it no longer serves me and has festered to the boiling point… like a volcano, it has blown. I no longer choose that filter and I choose to see things more clearly. For too long I have been internalizing it, and the results of that has been self-sabotaging myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I realize now that I need to take my power back on this. It was a good spiritual decision to get out of there!

Hindsight: why am I so angry, I should be happy about this, but I am not. I am hurt. I feel as if there is a deeper lesson on life in this situation. I feel as if this is deeper and purging whatever this is will help me find that. Thank you for the awareness, and I will do everything in my power to go through these emotions, feel every inch, corner, and crevice to allow myself my personal, physical, emotional and spiritual freedom.

Cheers to the journey!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Roux, our 9-month-old pup was becoming overly rambunctious, so I decided to take a late afternoon walk with the dogs. It was such a beautiful day, and I thought it would be nice to go outside and enjoy.

At some point, while on this walk… I realized that I was smiling while I was enjoying my walk. The overwhelming feeling of gratefulness was such a joy! I am so grateful that I spent the time enjoying what I saw along the way, sweet smells of the flowers, and the sound of the rustling leaves.

I am so blessed and am so grateful for everything in my life! The opportunity to stop, work in my yard/home and just be in each and every moment has been such a gift that I am thankful for. 

Thank you!

Toxicity and how deep it reaches

In the beginning, I was angry because of how things went down with my employer and me having to make a hard choice. How did I not see it? This is what it means to be TOO CLOSE! -So many influences and respectable people in my life expressed what they saw, and how I had changed over the last few years. Now, with my eyes open, I understand that the trade for money and the job was a severely toxic situation and stewing in the anger is allowing me to continue to poison myself, after the fact.

The trade for money… I remember a conversation I had with one of my bosses I asked--“Florida is horrible, why do you stay?” You already stated that you will not retire here, so why are you still here? Answer: This is where the money is. I learned a valuable lesson long ago, that money isn’t everything, and the trade you make for it will eat your soul away! Little by little before you realize it’s too late!

For me... a moment in time, when you realize that your upset at yourself for allowing it to get this far. (AGAIN) You promised yourself before, to not let this happen. >>>Why is it that you allow others to cross your boundary lines? A lesson to myself, and at the very least... awareness to see, and gratefulness to learn from the experience. 

Thank you!

It's already October! Mid-October!!!

It seems that every year, I’m able to get a few posts in, and then the year flies by and before I realize it… only a few posts for the year. I miss blogging freely, and quite frankly, I am feeling restrained and have been for a while now, due to the challenges and situation with Jason’s ex-wife. In my experience, and this is my opinion, she is extremely slanderous, and uses any information that she gleams to hurt him. Therefore, sharing about my life is filtered. I do believe that will change at some point, and I will be able to openly share again.

So, if you know me, then you get the real deal up close and in person. BUT… I will be back to blogging “openly” soon!

Honestly, life has been good; no complaints! I’ve had my fair share of challenges. I’ve also had many triumphs! I am truly blessed, and extremely grateful! Work is good, life is good!

I wish nothing but love and light to everyone, and hope that no matter what is going on in your life, you find gratefulness for the things that are presently in your world. Even the challenges are gifts! It’s all about perspective!

Are you grateful?

Honestly, I feel grateful every day. Some days more so than others but a long time ago, I discovered how life is so short. In a split-second, things could change and the once daily lifestyle you once knew can be changed forever.

Over the past few decades, I’ve been through some tragic experiences, and for many years, I was in a state of conscientious that was really a feeling of being outside of myself; wondering in awe on how these things could happen to me. That was my reality then, and now… due to some amazing people, and experiences in my life. I’ve done some very hard work. Some of it has been very painful to go through, some of it has been invigorating, some of it has been very effortless, and all of it has been very educational!

Honestly, the past year has been very overwhelming, and I haven’t truly been myself. I've had my moments, but my job has consumed me, and the important things to me have fell by the wayside. I’ve previously blogged about that and won’t go there again… but today I can feel the tears of joy coming back around again. It feels so good to feel that the Calvary has arrived, and relief is coming. I feel the energy of life coming through my body, and the joy of feeling truly grateful of yesterday, today and all the tomorrows to come. Truly grateful for everything!!!!

Therefore, I wanted to celebrate life with open arms, and love the moment for what it is. I wanted to share it with the world and my friends.

No matter how bad it gets, no matter what you feel today… remember to be grateful for this and every moment. Remember that if you give the energy to the things you want, then the universe will unfold it for you. Effortlessly!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love it!

Cheers!

Grateful

I am so happy and grateful for everything in my life right now. Even though I chose to leave my job and cut my income by 1/3, it's amazing how things work out.

I am grateful to be alive
I am grateful to have a beautiful home
I am grateful for the people in my life
I am grateful for my health
I am grateful for the choices that sometimes seem scary
I am grateful for the wonderful love of my life and how he continues to surprise me!
I am grateful that my boys are living life independently
I am grateful that I am willing to do what's hard
I am grateful that I can now say that I live a congruent lifestyle to my beliefs
I am grateful for the sun that lights up the sky and creates warmth
I am grateful for the rain that waters the earth and provides nourishment
I am so grateful for so many things in my life, I cannot even begin to complete this list in its entirety. Bottom line... I AM GRATEFUL

How grateful are you?

LOVING LIFE!!!!!

Today I just want to celebrate life. Loving what is, and having appreciation for everything and everyone who shares it with me. -Thank you!

It's sad to me that this world can be so cruel. Maybe not the world itself, but the people who live in it; people's choices can have a large ripple effect on others. If only this world and all it's people could live a life of love, compassion, and encouragement. Maybe it's the hippie in me, but one can wish.

I hope that today you take a moment to love life, live life, and have gratitude for even the smallest things.

Love and Light!

40th what???

Why is it that I was so looking forward to my 40^th....? ---So many things are evolving in my life right now. I feel so “up” --Kind of like… I’m floating around trying to find where I fit. It feels soooo good!

Was it the day itself? Was it a milestone? Anticipation? Who was going to call me? Was my mom going to sing me HB? Who was going to post on FB. All I can say... the highlight of my day was the rock'n entrainment from Dr. Mark. The day was amazing. The one thing that surprised me the most were the shoes and the cupcakes; okay that’s two things! What? Not ice cream cake??? Cupcakes are my… Kryptonite. You guys rock!

I love all the beautiful people around me right now, they made it very special. 

Love and Light!

Celebrating! --quiet, empty space.

I must admit that I’ve been here before.

                  Quiet-ness.....  but never like this!

Or maybe I must recognize that I’m evolving deeper and deeper with greater perception.

In the past when my mind was running a thousand miles a minute, and I finally found that empty space it was like ahhhhhhhh; like the angels were singing. BUT this time it’s different. I’m thoroughly enjoying the quiet empty space. I recognize that the minds chatter is there and wanting to play, but I can consciously shift it without resistance.

In this stillness, I was in awe over the moon on Monday morning when I was driving to work. The moon was so full; with such vibrancy in its divine light. I enjoyed the space around me as I felt so open and quiet. Again ahhhhhhh! 

The time and space of being still, enjoying my breath, and loving what is… is simply amazing!

Love and light to all the beautiful people of the world.