Day 1

From the day I received the news, it has been like nothing has changed for me. Fred is gone, but the underlying symptoms are still there. -I know that IF I don't eat healthy, then I pay the price. So eating healthy has been an important habit that I am SO glad I got YEARS ago! Not to mention drinking a crap ton of water, daily!

On 5/31 I had the port installed, that was weird and having this device sticking out of my chest has been very weird for me, but all in all, everything has been the same. 

Today though has been an emotionally tough day. It is the first day that the cancer drug is being given to me through my port. Cancer drugs! OMG! 1 hour visit and then I'm outta here. I can already feel how high my emotions are and will probably be for sometime. This shit just got real. Cancer "pills" drugs and radiation start tomorrow! 

Thankful for modern medicine, but cannot wait until this is done!

Here's to day 1 and every day afterwards. I will beat this and be okay in the end. I can do this!

Remembering to love life and trusting the process through all these emotions! -Thank you for the awareness.

Accepting things!

When I was given the news that I had cancer, I thought... nothing actually! I made phone calls, lots of calls... actually. But after everything settled down... I thought I would be able to beat this naturally and I wasn't worried at all. So like anyone in my situation, I went straight to google and started to research, research and research! I asked questions and tried to figure it out. 

After understanding that this cancer is something different than the usual cancer, like breast cancer, I came to realize that squamous cell carcinoma is a whole different ball game and had to be treated differently. Now knowing what I know, I have accepted that this cancer is, what it is and that, I will not be-able to go the natural route. 

You think in life that you do everything right, eat healthy (mostly) and live right.... and with no family history, it wouldn't be something that you see in your lifetime. Nope, there is no discrimination!

Needless to say, I have given myself permission to not be strong in the numerous needle pokes for blood work and to make this as easy as possible. Accepting this hasn't been an easy decision, but allowing myself to just be in the moment, is the gift within itself. Taking things day by day. Trusting the process and remembering to love myself in whatever the situation. 

On my mind

Work is winding down. Month-end is coming up next week, but for the most part, it's settling down. There is so much going on with my employer. Question is... how long will the doors stay open? If the owner continues to spend more than he is bringing in... it's questionable! Things are very tight, well... drowning in payables, that we do not have the funds to pay. I hope the owner's "plan" works out for him. Honestly, I'm running out of projects, and starting to get bored. In a few week's I'll start working remotely more and more as I continue this cancer treatment. Probably make some weekend visits and start getting the personal stuff from my office to bring home. Now that we are finally "nesting" -Can' wait to see how things will look once were settled.

Radiologist Oncologist said that what I eat now, will have no effect on anything. So, I gave myself permission. Still eating healthy, not splurging out of control, but I totally bought some junk yesterday. Cookies, ice cream and some cinnamon bears to share with J. Have a bit of guilt, but, not really! He shared with me that some people... eat a bag of chips and a 2liter of soda for breakfast. That is crazy to me... I cannot even imagine... I would be SOOOOOO sick! 

Mom is coming. Happy that "someone" is there to help get the weeds out of the landscaping. I've been able to get "some" done, but there is far more that needs to be. Honestly, I'm just taking things day by day and trying to stay out of my head as to the future "me" when I'm undergoing cancer treatment. Bottom line, is that... I have to eat and stay hydrated. Daily walks would be good for me, and probably the dogs too. -Cheers to staying healthy and very functional during treatment. Baby steps!

Excited for the upcoming trip to WA. Connect with my dad and see CJ if he is available. Not to mention, all the yummy places we are going to go and eat. Reminisce and see if it still tastes just as delicious as before. 

Just checking in for today. Stay grateful and fill your day with JOY!

Numb

I am feeling so numb!

I was told that I have cancer and I cried the first day, but ever since then I just have not really "felt" anything outside of my sessions with Brian. 

The statistics are good for this "common" cancer, but I feel that I am NOT feeling. Despite being borderline of not being responsive to treatment (as I am being told), I am convinced that I WILL beat this cancer.

I feel that Brian said it so clearly yesterday with the affirmations during my session. "Sometimes it's easier to "do" than to feel". I feel this is so true for me right now. Am I not feeling things? Am I numb? As I am writing this, tears are rolling down my face. So, I am going to have to say, yes! I think I need to just "be" with this news. Really BE with it. What the FUCK does that mean or even look like?

In our family "feelings" was not a thing we really connected with, so experience is not something I have mastered. Although my work with network care has brought me leaps and bounds further than I have ever been. I am feeling that with this news... I should be a basket case or something? right?

I know there is no right or wrong answer in how I deal with this, but after yesterday's session with Brian... I am just feeling as if I am numb! So here it goes...

To the universe and greater powers that be, please show me the direction in helping me connect and start processing this cancer. 

Still trusting the process.

Educated

When Fred was around, I was learning a lot about my body; spending more time with butt hole than I ever dreamed that I would be doing. Good to be in touch with my body!

I have been spending time in getting to better understand more about this cancer and have come to the realization that my prior thoughts have SOME truth in them. 

The urgency from the doctor to start treatment right away is finally understood. My cancer is on the borderline of not being receptive to treatment. In perspective... the human anal canal is roughly 4cm in length. My cancer is 3.5-4cm in length and 2cm wide. Which for that area, is really big. If I do not eliminate this cancer, then I am at risk of having to have a colostomy and wearing a ostomy bag for the rest of my life. -That is scary to me. 

Chemotherapy and radiation goes so far against my belief ! Scary! Not just the drugs and the side effects, but the vicious cycle I may be at risk for, not to mention the weakened immune system from the treatment. The unknowns here, are hard to swallow. I guess there will be a new normal, temporary normal, but amazing how this roller coaster of life has continued to forge forward. 

I am learning some, but not purposely learning about the other parts. I figure, I MUST trust the experts and just focus on me and my well being. 

Cheers to joy and healing!

  

Trust in what?

What scares me the most out of this "CANCER" is the radiation and chemotherapy. Talk about a disruption to my life and my body. 

I don't even like to take prescription anything; western medicine to me, is a vicious cycle. Short term is tolerable.

I am about to get the crash course in cancer. Again, short term, but these drugs scare me. I have so many upcoming doctors appointments. I no longer want to research the drugs or radiation. It is depressing me. Brian says "earth is a trauma based learning center". I can totally resonate with that statement.

Short and sweet today, but this whole cancer thing is CRAZY!

I have to have another surgery in order to have an intravenous "port" put in for chemo therapy. I only need to have 2 of those, but will be on a specialty pill concoction for 6 weeks. Radiation 5 days a week for the 6 weeks. OMG, please help me discover this disconnection with this cancerous spot. My PET Scan is on 5/30/23. Can my Genius Frequency "GF" connection help this to be gone before the scan? Maybe I delay surgery and scan by 60 days?  --What is the right decision? How does my plant teacher play into this?

I am still processing things, BUT I must trust in this process. I also must only focus on JOY right now. 

Sooner than I thought

I just want to start by saying how much I APPRECIATE my husband Jason. He is such a wonderful man and I am so lucky to have part of his heart. Unconditional love and dedication with little complaints. He's tough! I love him, deeply!

So the office of the Messino Cancer Center called me yesterday. Turns out, that the doctor has enough information from my surgery to start discussing treatments. The PET scan will determine if it is one spot or if it has started spreading; stages...etc. 

Thought I had until June to just process, start to process this. Turns out that those answers are coming sooner. Okay.

Buckle -up, this ride is about to do something? AND I'm about to find out.