Realization to slow to down

So this weekend I worked out in the yard, weeding the hedges. OMG, there was so many weeds! But in all fairness, it hadn't been weeded all year long and was in pretty bad shape. Good news is that it's done. With my mother's help, of course! But teamwork makes the dream work. So thankful for her being here!

I realize that in the prior months, I was able to work out in the yard all day. Break for lunch of course, but still 8-10 hours outside. MMMM labor of love, really! Now, nope... maybe 3 hours tops and I'm wiped.

This Cancer is forcing me to slow down and not do as much. Not really liking this, but FOR YEARS... I've been saying and blogging about how I need to slow down. Whoa, proof that the universe DOES work in it's own timing and grant the things that are in your purview. Thank you to law of attraction for MAKING me slow down. Not the way I would've ever seen it coming into fruition, but it IS forcing me to slow down as I wanted. So, thank you!

Careful what you ask for!

To be truly loved for you

To be truly loved for you; not for what you can give or provide for others is what I feel a relationship should be based on. Okay among other things…communication is important and attraction too, but let’s be real here! AND --Don’t get me wrong, I get that we all have gifts that we share, and opposites attract. I get that I have things that I’m good and some areas that need attention, and so does my partner. Those are gifts that we can share with each other, but I’m not talking about those, I’m talking about materialism.

Today’s world is filled with so many materialistic, narcissistic, and selfish people who have some kind of agenda or ulterior motive. To meet the people who are honest and humble are a rare find, and I appreciate those individuals, and wished that this world was filled with more love towards one another. We all want to succeed, why not support one another!

For once in my life, I realize that my heart’s desire is to be loved for me, truly me. Maybe I have said that in the past, but the words and the heart’s desire of what the words really meant weren’t congruent. Now my heart is open to what my eyes see and I feel that for once in my life, I truly understand what that means!

I feel that my man does love me for me, and I’m so lucky and grateful he does. Honestly, there is no reservations about our relationship there. Except, it takes a strong person to be in a relationship with me, and I know this about myself. Although things have changed within me as I continue to grow, I know that I’m pretty stubborn. Yay to awareness!

My opinion is to get clear on what you want in a relationship; not only the outward appearances, but in the innards as well. Are you treated with respect? Does your partner carry, or support you? Do you feel loved? Do they make you feel like you are the only person they desire to be with for the rest of their lives? And the most important one to me is; do you have fun together?  For me… playing, laughing are important aspects of a relationship that is thriving!

The saying goes… actions speak louder than words. Although words still effect how you feel, the actions always speak louder!

Love and Light!

Funny what you think you know, but you really don’t!

I can remember a time when I was slim. Of course, it was when I was a child – young adult; before I had children. Even after I had my first baby... I was fortunate enough to have bounced back to the same slender gal I was prior to child birth. I was young, that may have had something to do with it. But with my second, I wasn’t as fortunate. I don’t remember exactly how much I weighed, but I wasn’t that size 2 anymore. If I remember correctly, I was like a size 10.  Nonetheless, I’ve lost that weight and honestly I don’t know what “size” I am anymore. Today’s clothes sizes are all over the board. I’ve seen jeans that say they are a size 4 but back in the 90’s that was a size 8. So I cannot say what “size” I am anymore. I will say that I’m not where I want to be. Definitely not a size 2. Not that I want to be a specific size anymore. To me it’s more about HEALTH.

You’re never taught the importance of health in school, of course that was when PE was still a class. That was the only exercise you did during the school day, unless you were in sports. Fortunately for me, I had the beautiful ocean of HI and I participated in track for some time. But growing up, I never truly received any valuable information on being “healthy” and what that meant.

In 2007 at a personal development conference, I met Bill Phillips. I was intrigued, and amazed at what I learned about my eating habits. Of course he challenged all of us to participate in the “Body for Life Challenge” and I am so grateful for that experience because he absolutely changed my perspective of food; not to mention the shift of consciences in what I was doing to my body.

I can remember coming home and opening all the cupboards to throw out anything pre-packaged. No more mac and cheese, top ramen, canned foods or processed anything. I was married at the time, and I remember my in laws asking if we were going to throw out all the food. “Of course I was” and I expressed what I had learned, and that they should think about it too. Nope, they wanted the food I was throwing out, despite how bad it was for you. To each their own. Who am I to deny them? Therefore they boxed it up, and took it away.

Despite me knowing all this, my diet has stayed somewhat healthy. I still do not eat boxed, pre-packaged meals, canned foods, or anything processed. I will admit that I indulged in sugary treats that are baked/made with processed “crap” and have indulged in some fast food, but everything in moderation. I still continue to juice daily with my Vitamix.

Not an excuse, but I have had so many changes in my life during 2008-2015, that somewhere along the way I fell off track. I’m not at all a size 10, but my jeans that fit me several years ago are very-very tight. I’ve broke down and bought a few pairs of “fat” pants just so I can be comfortable. Nope, no more, I vowed to make a change just recently, and I have. BUT now, it’s time to kick it into higher gear. I’m ready to be “fit” again. To take my body fat back down to 14%

Okay… reeling myself back onto topic here.

I thought 80% of losing weight was what you put in your mouth. Wrong! –Yes, it’s a big part of it, but that equation is wrong.

I thought if I did cardio, I would drop my weight. Wrong! Sure I’ve lost some weight, and inches, but that isn’t a structural change within my body.

Today, I met with a personal trainer to assist me in reaching my goals. I learned a lot. I learned that I must tweak some things, and I can achieve my goals.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the strong desire to turn to a professional who is educated in this field. I want to ensure that the hard work I’m doing is going to pay off, and now that I have been debunked on what I thought I knew… I can’t wait to see even better results for all my hard work. Goes to show, I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t.

Thank you for the people that are experts in their field.

Thank you for the drive to be better 

Thank you for keeping it real

Thank you in willing to do the "hard" work. -No lipo, augmentation, pills/potions

Thank you for the awareness of my body

Thank you

That magical number

When I was younger, it was never my intentions of having children. But the powers that be, had a different path for me… sort of a detour per say. AND in looking back, I realized that I’ve lived a life of scheduled craziness; mother hood and finding the balance between career, kids, social life and death. IT has been worth all the hard work, but now, it’s time for me and my career. It’s time for me… and my dog MIA. I thought it would feel amazing… my boys out living on their own terms, me turning 38; that magical number feels no different.  Lately, I have become aware of the things that challenge me. Finding the balance in my life has been brought up too. Actually… top priority. Now that both my boys are gone… Goodness they are 18 and 21. How amazing is that? I don’t feel old enough to have kids that age, but the truth is, I am. Simply amazing!

 

But to stay on track here, I MUST STAY FOCUSED. Find the balance. Peace, Protection, Harmony, Gratitude, Wealth, Love and Life. The truth will always keep your conscience clear. I feel so at peace today. In harmony! Tomorrow isn’t only my birthday, it, marks a significant life altering decision to once and for all… stomp out the old habits. -for good. Time to create new ones. Tomorrow is a new day... the line has been drawn in the sand. -Time to SRI. -For sure Stage 1. 

#1 Focus is for me… to make time for me. -First and foremost. I’m a workaholic. I’ve realized that my inner core needs some things to change too. 

I feel like my last relationship was a major bump… aaaaaa pot hole in my focus, and I’ve just now figured it out. -after the fact. BUT I am doing the things that are healthy for me; get back to those habits that benefit and serve a purpose. Essentially I’ve detoured away from getting down deep and dirty with my inner “crap” 

Happy to see with new eyes, now there’s no hiding. I can get “real” with myself and my inner world. Outer world… I have so many things to be grateful for… and I am. BUT my inner world feels a bit disconnected. It’s nice to create space and time. All I gotta say is… Lay down flat, breathe in through your nose and out of your mouth. Really get in touch with Stage 1 and get connected! And for me, it’s getting connected again. But just a little deeper. AGAIN!   

Sometimes steps back to see, can be an eye opening experience. -a different perspective.

Thank you to the “reset” button, awareness, gratitude, patience, strength, friends, love and laughter.

Internal? or External?

How often do you listen to yourself? I don’t mean hear you actually verbalizing something out loud. I mean that “gut” feeling or internal intuition that you feel.

For me it has been so many times that I can’t even count them on my hands or my toes.

Who knew what that feeling was? Did someone teach you about that? Traditionally that is not something we learn in school, or even from our parents. Some families are evolved to understand what that internal voice is and have passed it onto their children. Some have NO idea! Well, that would be mine!

So many times in life I have just strolled along without really listening. Disconnected from my true core and just living on the surface of whatever my mind thought was important.

In living and experiencing the true desires of my core, I have discovered that there is more to life than just what I could think up in my mind. In all actuality my mind could be a very dangerous place; realistically creating road blocks and barriers of excuses of why this or that is NOT a good idea.

I am writing today to just acknowledge the gratefulness I have in understanding the internal language, to have the keen sense of hearing and the understanding to have the voice be so strong that I truly must listen. More lessons on how life has shown me that each and every experience has taught and brought me to a higher level and a deeper sense of connection.

Thaaaaaaaank You!

Oh what to do now???

For months now, I have been running at warp speed with this to do and that to do. Finally --I’m done!

It has been nice; I’ve been able to sloooow things down and get a bit more focused. Things I want to do vs. the thing I have to do. Live life and enjoy all the hard work that has been done.

After we finished up with the move and became more settled, I wanted to go play! So we have been; kayaking, horseback riding, festivals, put-zing around town and still dabbling a little with the things that need to be done around the house.

It is so important to have the balance, and I am so grateful that I have a renewed sense of life that I understand the importance of what has to be done and what can wait.

There is no race to the finish line and I can remember the times in my life when all I could do is; do, do, do, do, do and do! Boy, I am no Spring chicken anymore and I definitely understand the need for balance!

Thank you for everything that is in my life. Thank you for love, Thank you for the light in my life, Thank you for sun as the summer has been wonderful, Thank you for the lessons that have brought me to this new sense of reality, and thank you for the challenges that have made me grow as a person! Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you!!!!!

Life is so up and down!

I can remember the time when I was just separated and life was such a state of chaos. I was desperately trying so hard to save my credit and keep us in our current state; for the sake of myself and my children. -But at what expense? I lost myself mentally and emotionally so that I could afford 2 mortgages and make all the payments to the marital debt that was an accumulation of… well more than just my choices. 

Then finally one day I woke up and saw the reality of where this was going. -This, as in me. I was headed for a disaster. In actuality, I was already in it; I was just choosing to hang on to something that was slowly killing me. So much time had drifted and I found myself falling into some pretty bad situations that I had allowed myself to fall into so mindlessly. It was time to clean house; so I did!

I made some very big financial decisions that would affect me incredibly and it was time to move back to Burlington and find a mindless job… who really cares who I worked for as long as I could afford to make my house payment and take care of things in a responsible way without killing myself. The job I found was so easy, that I could do it in my sleep and no cares about it when I walked out the front door to go home. It was the perfect balance to the chaos that was happening in my life.

It has been so peaceful for so long that for some reason lately it seems that chaos has found its way back in. Not because of me but because of the man who is in my life. 

Is my mother right? My life is never complete unless there is chaos in it, or did I ask for this? The answer seems so painful to think about. Stop thinking about it right? No! I say process it and feel it and make informed decision about it.

What is the right decision, I guess if I knew that, then I wouldn’t be battling this thought and feeling the tears that arise when I can set my mind still and just feel it.

I feel chaos, I feel pain, and I feel so lost in my direction at this point, that sometimes I feel as if I am working backwards. Feel with my heart not my mind. God how I hate the monkey mind chatter that keeps going on back and forth; self doubt. 

Is this where I am the happiest? Is this where I want to be? I am doing what I want? Is this the right decision? Should I be doing this right now? Should I be the back bone for someone else? Shouldn’t I be looking out for me 1^st? –Yes! I am number one, first and foremost! How have I allowed myself to slip back into putting myself on the back burner? Make the change and be in control of myself. 

It’s funny how we change the course and sometimes we allow those old patterns to rise to the surface and take the reins. Recognition! Thank you for opening my eyes through my emotions.

Yes, Thank you...

I feel as if I have moved forward in my life in so many aspects. In my mind, I have chosen to no longer hang onto something so disheartening. I’ve experienced carrying those heavy burdens…. I honor those things but I’m choosing to process through them. I guess for me it would be as if I came to terms… so to speak. I feel as if every day of my life, mostly on the weekdays… I’m busy with something. Running to appointments for the kids, appointments for myself, gym, work and whatever other activities we r in…. Honestly how do I manage this? IDK! But I’m not going to analyze that. Just a bit of gratefulness. For once in my life I am seeing major growth and instead of trying to figure it out and question it… I’m just accepting it and saying thank you. Amazing! I feel empowered as a single mother right now in my life, and even though I have a list of things going on, I feel good in my Mind, Body and Spirit.

Being true to me…

All my life, I thought that I never deserved happiness or that I would never have it. Yeah a life long battle of mine that I believe came from the dis-attachment due to the abuse and neglect from my parents or maybe the feeling of inadequacies and un-deservedness because of the abuse I endured from my childhood situations and first husband. But through my personal development journey I realized that no matter what kind of past I had, I am in charge of my own future and my thoughts. AND… those thoughts and actions are super powerful with my connection to myself and my world. For the first time in my life, I realized that I am truly happy within myself… Yes finally! But here’s the thing… I always have been powerful. I just focused my thoughts and actions on my circumstances. I am not sure how the transition took place, or when, but it did! I am so happy to see that. Analytically thinking maybe it’s because I am older, maybe it’s because I just don’t care what others think about who I am, or maybe it’s because of the trials that have been in my life that have made me realize that life is precious and every moment in time is a gift. My whole life, I feel that I have allowed my childhood crap, circumstances, and disbeliefs stand in the way of the true me. Yikes that sounds like I am not being accountable but really we all have crap from our past that sometimes trap us into thinking we can’t have that, we don’t deserve that, or maybe that we will never be happy because of whatever situation(s) have happened in our lives. I call bullshit! I have been through so much in my life that I feel that I am very powerful and I have a lot to offer to others, and for only a few years now I have been able to share it. I hope that I can give encouragement to others through my own personal experience. I love who I am! Quite honestly my life is so blessed right now I can’t even begin to describe how ecstatic I am to realize that I am happy and I deserve anything and everything. My challenge for the people I have the opportunity to meet that are NOT happy and struggling is….. Think about who you are, and what makes you happy? -I don’t know is a cop out for the true answers and that is the easy way out. (DIG DEEP)-DO WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE :-) I learned a great perspective from a very wise man that seems to ring true in every situation…. How you do one thing is how you do everything in life. Do you do things half-ass? Do you quit when it gets challenging? Do you blame others? Be accountable for YOUR actions and take pride in who you are. Loving life and all that it has to offer! Love and Light, Kim

Just needed a little time...

2009’s first blog entry… I am so grateful This year is going to be a huge closure to the last relationship… marriage numero tres. I realized through recent events of my life that I’m in a catch22. The one thing that I’m working so hard to do this for turns out to be everything BUT that. Continuing to keep up with all the financial debt was everything I’m doing for the boys; so they could continue to live in what has been their home. However, just a short time ago CJ said to me… “But mom, you’re never here” What? That didn’t mean much to me but I was puzzled as to understanding why?... I work at home. -But now I believe I see it differently. After Tom left back in July… I had this drive that said “I can do this” and I have been since July, but the effect of it is that Leanne is back in my life. Why because I have too much to handle for just one person. -I tried. This is an incredible financial load and now that the anger is gone… I definitely feel hurt by the act of abandonment. Abandonment… Obsolete. to banish This sucks because I gave everything to my relationship to make it work financially. But when the other person in your life just walks out to never return… ? It definitely makes it a challenge for the person who is left to pick up the pieces. If I could possibly keep this going… I believe I would end up looking beyond my years due to the stress load of this burden. I made the most challenging decision of my life. And that was to look at the realization of where I was headed. -As my friend says… ”your just shuffling chairs on the titanic” I believe that my life is very humbled in the fact that I am being forced to do something that I have worked my entire life to keep good in my life. Not the circumstances I would have ever dreamed but it is what it is, and sometimes you just have to know your boundaries. I am so grateful that I can see that I have been down this path before and that doing it again is not healthy for any of us -CJ and TY… I am grateful for having the option to getting back to my roots, I am grateful of the option to choose where to go, I am grateful for insurance, I am grateful for the smile the boys put on my face, and I’m learning how to be grateful for myself. Oh to learning how to love myself is my newest challenge.