So much has changed, and this roller coaster of a life has really taken me on some twisty turns over the past several years.
I feel as if the timing was, and is… all wrong. I had a gap of time where I fell. I allowed myself to get sucked into his life, his drama, and his conservative ways. Don’t get me wrong I’m frugal too, but I love to have fun, smile, laugh, play and just be in the moment.
Honestly, I want to work on me, and to do it while I’m in a relationship doesn’t feel right. I feel that I got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons, and at the wrong time. But in reality, I allowed it to happen, and I don’t want to hurt him.
When I met him, I had been on this intense journey of processing those old wounds. I admittedly have fallen off the path, but now that my vision has cleared and the path is clear… I feel torn. Torn between being in a relationship and working on me without boundaries.
I recognize that in the past, I loved to “fix” people. Now, that my perspective has changed. I don’t want to fix people any more, I want to share my experiences, and my knowledge with others, so they can decide what they want to do.
I love him immensely, but a big part of me has changed. I feel as if I’ve grown so far apart from what feels good anymore… it feels difficult for me to continue staying with this “wonderful” man who I know loves me. He loves me dearly, and I love him, but a major part of me feels as if I’m ready to throw the towel in. AND I mean READY!!
I used to be this social outgoing butterfly, who loved to hear about other people’s experiences. I realize that life changes and we grow; which I’ve done, but I want to go and discover myself. Truly who I am down deep to the core. I want to be that better person who doesn’t bring forth the baggage that I carry. I’ve let go a lot, but there is so much there to get through still. Deep seeded memories that I truly want to process.
Can I do that and continue in this relationship?
Blogging it out to the universe in hopes that those answers in which I'm seeking will reveal themselves.