What if you feel it’s over, but it’s hard to decide if it really is.

So much has changed, and this roller coaster of a life has really taken me on some twisty turns over the past several years.

I feel as if the timing was, and is… all wrong. I had a gap of time where I fell. I allowed myself to get sucked into his life, his drama, and his conservative ways. Don’t get me wrong I’m frugal too, but I love to have fun, smile, laugh, play and just be in the moment.

Honestly, I want to work on me, and to do it while I’m in a relationship doesn’t feel right. I feel that I got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons, and at the wrong time. But in reality, I allowed it to happen, and I don’t want to hurt him.

When I met him, I had been on this intense journey of processing those old wounds. I admittedly have fallen off the path, but now that my vision has cleared and the path is clear… I feel torn. Torn between being in a relationship and working on me without boundaries.

I recognize that in the past, I loved to “fix” people. Now, that my perspective has changed. I don’t want to fix people any more, I want to share my experiences, and my knowledge with others, so they can decide what they want to do.

I love him immensely, but a big part of me has changed. I feel as if I’ve grown so far apart from what feels good anymore… it feels difficult for me to continue staying with this “wonderful” man who I know loves me. He loves me dearly, and I love him, but a major part of me feels as if I’m ready to throw the towel in. AND I mean READY!!

I used to be this social outgoing butterfly, who loved to hear about other people’s experiences. I realize that life changes and we grow; which I’ve done, but I want to go and discover myself. Truly who I am down deep to the core. I want to be that better person who doesn’t bring forth the baggage that I carry. I’ve let go a lot, but there is so much there to get through still. Deep seeded memories that I truly want to process.

Can I do that and continue in this relationship? 

Blogging it out to the universe in hopes that those answers in which I'm seeking will reveal themselves. 

Funny what you think you know, but you really don’t!

I can remember a time when I was slim. Of course, it was when I was a child – young adult; before I had children. Even after I had my first baby... I was fortunate enough to have bounced back to the same slender gal I was prior to child birth. I was young, that may have had something to do with it. But with my second, I wasn’t as fortunate. I don’t remember exactly how much I weighed, but I wasn’t that size 2 anymore. If I remember correctly, I was like a size 10.  Nonetheless, I’ve lost that weight and honestly I don’t know what “size” I am anymore. Today’s clothes sizes are all over the board. I’ve seen jeans that say they are a size 4 but back in the 90’s that was a size 8. So I cannot say what “size” I am anymore. I will say that I’m not where I want to be. Definitely not a size 2. Not that I want to be a specific size anymore. To me it’s more about HEALTH.

You’re never taught the importance of health in school, of course that was when PE was still a class. That was the only exercise you did during the school day, unless you were in sports. Fortunately for me, I had the beautiful ocean of HI and I participated in track for some time. But growing up, I never truly received any valuable information on being “healthy” and what that meant.

In 2007 at a personal development conference, I met Bill Phillips. I was intrigued, and amazed at what I learned about my eating habits. Of course he challenged all of us to participate in the “Body for Life Challenge” and I am so grateful for that experience because he absolutely changed my perspective of food; not to mention the shift of consciences in what I was doing to my body.

I can remember coming home and opening all the cupboards to throw out anything pre-packaged. No more mac and cheese, top ramen, canned foods or processed anything. I was married at the time, and I remember my in laws asking if we were going to throw out all the food. “Of course I was” and I expressed what I had learned, and that they should think about it too. Nope, they wanted the food I was throwing out, despite how bad it was for you. To each their own. Who am I to deny them? Therefore they boxed it up, and took it away.

Despite me knowing all this, my diet has stayed somewhat healthy. I still do not eat boxed, pre-packaged meals, canned foods, or anything processed. I will admit that I indulged in sugary treats that are baked/made with processed “crap” and have indulged in some fast food, but everything in moderation. I still continue to juice daily with my Vitamix.

Not an excuse, but I have had so many changes in my life during 2008-2015, that somewhere along the way I fell off track. I’m not at all a size 10, but my jeans that fit me several years ago are very-very tight. I’ve broke down and bought a few pairs of “fat” pants just so I can be comfortable. Nope, no more, I vowed to make a change just recently, and I have. BUT now, it’s time to kick it into higher gear. I’m ready to be “fit” again. To take my body fat back down to 14%

Okay… reeling myself back onto topic here.

I thought 80% of losing weight was what you put in your mouth. Wrong! –Yes, it’s a big part of it, but that equation is wrong.

I thought if I did cardio, I would drop my weight. Wrong! Sure I’ve lost some weight, and inches, but that isn’t a structural change within my body.

Today, I met with a personal trainer to assist me in reaching my goals. I learned a lot. I learned that I must tweak some things, and I can achieve my goals.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the strong desire to turn to a professional who is educated in this field. I want to ensure that the hard work I’m doing is going to pay off, and now that I have been debunked on what I thought I knew… I can’t wait to see even better results for all my hard work. Goes to show, I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t.

Thank you for the people that are experts in their field.

Thank you for the drive to be better 

Thank you for keeping it real

Thank you in willing to do the "hard" work. -No lipo, augmentation, pills/potions

Thank you for the awareness of my body

Thank you

Celebrating! --quiet, empty space.

I must admit that I’ve been here before.

                  Quiet-ness.....  but never like this!

Or maybe I must recognize that I’m evolving deeper and deeper with greater perception.

In the past when my mind was running a thousand miles a minute, and I finally found that empty space it was like ahhhhhhhh; like the angels were singing. BUT this time it’s different. I’m thoroughly enjoying the quiet empty space. I recognize that the minds chatter is there and wanting to play, but I can consciously shift it without resistance.

In this stillness, I was in awe over the moon on Monday morning when I was driving to work. The moon was so full; with such vibrancy in its divine light. I enjoyed the space around me as I felt so open and quiet. Again ahhhhhhh! 

The time and space of being still, enjoying my breath, and loving what is… is simply amazing!

Love and light to all the beautiful people of the world.

SRI -Oh, how I flee

What is SRI? ------Well it stands for Somato Respiratory Integration                              SRI is something I am learning about. I’ve practiced a little, but I am really setting my focus to truly practice this. I’ve been given the gift, why not use it!

I can remember a time, most my life really -- many, many years ago, that I never breathed as if my life depended on it. Of course I breathe; breathing is a natural unconscious behavior that happens without any effort. But, I never truly breathed; deep consciously connected breathe-- taking in a breath and really feeling the… movement, breath, and energy. I’ve felt glimpses when I was working with a SRI facilitator, but at that moment in life… I was really in my head thinking... 

“Am I doing this right?”

“Is this what I’m supposed to be feeling?”

“What does she mean by feel the movement, breath, and the energy will just follow”

For me, during this last gate, I learned that I am in denial. I’m denying myself the deeper connection that my heart so desires. I’ve been telling myself that I’m good. But, really I’ve discovered that I’m not. I’m listening to my mind. -B-U-T- my heart desires are getting louder and louder; its starting to yell “stop running away” --Face it bitch!

So, it was fate, and good for my awareness to attend the Monday SRI workshop after the gate. It opened my perspective to understanding how important SRI, truly is. Now to take that to the next level and put it into practice. Whoa that is a bit scary for me. AND just writing this, I can feel the resistance. My mind trying to keep me comfortable. But this time, remembering to lead with my heart and follow my intentions... I WILL keep this candle lit through all the future mind fuck and challenges.

Bring it on bitch, I’m pushing through this one!

Leading your way in life...

How are you leading your life?

With your mind or your heart?

Happily and honestly, I can say that I’ve come a LONG ways from where I started.  

The story I told myself was that I was always “thinking” through everything. --Think through this, think that over, think, think, and think. Even when I didn’t want to think, my mind would be thinking of something. My mind seemed as if it never stopped, and became even worse when I laid down to go to sleep. But, somewhere over time, I know that I’ve blogged about my monkey mind fuck and how it seemed as if it was in control. AND at that time, for me… it was. Past tense… celebrate that!!!!!! Wahoo!!!!!!!

For all of those years, and even now, I still catch myself “thinking” things through from time to time. BUT I have a grip on the mind chatter. With some help from the gate and conscience awareness and effort, I am awesome at keeping it in check. However, just recently at the last gate, Donny shared “let you mind and heart switch places” How would that change your life? -Whoa did that resonate with me. 

First of all, in my triad, my drain is perception.

Perception

Sensations, emotions, feelings and the reason why you or someone else is feeling these things are a source of pain, stress or at least uncertainty. You obsess over the worst possible outcome and meanings. You beat yourself up by focusing on the things that make you feel crappy and you are overly concerned with either what others think of you or how you make others feel. Focusing on your perceptions of what you or someone else is feeling and why often causes fear, confusion, anger, frustration, guilt, worry and/or doubt.

Meaning that whenever I “think” about something, I’m automatically draining my energy.

So, the concept of leading with my heart created questions for me.

What does that mean?

What does that feel like?

How do you lead with your heart?

Leading with my heart. What?

So I reached out to others; gather their perspectives. I wanted to become clearer on the meaning of what that truly meant. I questioned how that was possible for me.

In talking to others and becoming more aware, I realized that I was already living with my heart. I may have placed it in a different context, but the bottom line is that I was already doing it. AGAIN… Celebrate!!!! Wahoo!!!!!

To shift the consciousness and be vitally aware of something that I was already doing was huge for me. A relief, and release of doubt that was making me question myself; my moral compass of how I was living my life. 

Thank you Donny for giving me the gifts of new awareness’s. Understanding that I am the change, and life is truly love.

Love and Light!