Sharing my JOURNEY....

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Loneliness on the inside

Loneliness sucks but in all actuality looking in hindsight, I now see that the time you have to yourself is actually a blessing. -It’s just in disguise.

I’ve cried time and time again over the feeling of being alone, but I realized after I’ve picked myself up…. Amazingly….. Being alone is and can be very healing.

This to me was healing for the soul and time to mend or bridge the gap of selflessness and despair.

This process of life can and will be quite the challenge at times and we as individuals get to CHOOSE whether it keeps hold of us and our emotions or…. Are we stronger on the inside to CHOOSE whether we let it go?

Today I am choosing to let it go with the understanding that I know I am human and this to, is part of the process.

I will keep moving forward!!!!

My thoughts and wishes are for those that read my blogs…. That you to will see that you are not alone!

Love and Light


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Trusting in this proceess is a challenge!!!

I wake up in the mornings feeling as if there is something missing…..

I wake up feeling VERY emotional and most the time, I just want to cry. Sometimes I do but for the better part of me I just keep telling myself that everything will be OK! My mind however likes to try to keep control. But I am stronger than to allow my conscious mind to take over. I am NOT comfortable right now and I will get over this!

I feel so alone, and the mornings are the biggest challenge for me right now. It’s kind of weird from having a husband; that person there to cuddle with and wake up to…..and then all of a sudden life takes this interesting twist and that person is no longer there. Yes it’s been 3 months and for the most part life has been crazy busy! Life is slowing down now and I am starting to feel it more. Yes FEEL… what a glorious word.

Even though looking in hindsight he was never healthy for me…. Having that warm body no longer be there is hard to adjust to.

Most of my life “feeling it” was something I never really did a whole lot of. I just coped with it by covering it up with my ever so lasting coping skills…. Well I learned a long time ago that it was extremely unhealthy for me to continue along that path. So here is to “feeling” my way through life.

I feel better every time I’m able to journal/blog my feelings and I trust that life just keeps getting better. -Trust in God and trust in yourself!

To all of you, who may be struggling with life’s circumstances, keep going as this is all part of the process. YES it may SUCK!!! (This I see) BUT be thankful for every moment of the day and every learning experience. The learning experiences are golden and the lessons are here for us to grow.

Life is a challenge and life is a puzzle. BUT I love who I am today for every experience is all part of the person I am right now.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Yes, yes, yes!

Breathe! Yes breathe….. -Finally a moment where life’s clutter is no longer in my way. My brain feels as if it’s finally clearing out the clutter of the crap I have been dealing with since my cowardly ex husband left without notice back in July. He has actually done me a life saving favor and I am thankful for the twist and the turns of how I arrived here today.

Although not the circumstances I would have ever dreamed of in a million years… I am truly thankful for the situation, as it has really opened my eyes to the true power I have within “me”

Clearing the clutter of the shit that kept me up at night and restless during the day has brought a new perspective of what busy really means to me. Busy is the way society has become and the drive that makes most of us just want more. More what? Materialism? Acceptance? A bigger Ego? Pride? What does busy mean to you?

I feel as if my life is finally starting to quiet down. Yes there is a lot still left to do but I have been getting organized and I feel better about all of it! My divorce, my unlawful detainer lawsuit to remove my tenants who are not paying rent, my finances, my debt and my life in general with the daily challenges I face just being a single mother. BUT I got to say…..I am determined to overcome all of those challenges that come my way. Yes there have been lots and for the first time in the history of my life, I feel as if I am the most powerful and driven woman that I know. I will NOT allow all those things or anything get in my way.

Don’t get me wrong…. Some days I am down but I, in time always pick myself up and move on. Sometimes those breaking moments are what I require for my own clarity. Clarity of the bigger picture here on this journey of where I am going. I am so excited as to the outcome after all of this turmoil. AND I just have to give myself a BIG kudos to me for being the person I am.

For quite sometime now, I have used coping mechanisms to get by and one day sometime ago I realized that I am doing a disservice to myself by not allowing myself to “FEEL IT” Coping skills are great if you want to put off your feelings or shall I say stuff them. AND I vowed sometime last year when I allowed all those hurtful feelings to come up, I was no longer going to live in the shadows of the fear of feeling something bad. I am going to cry, and get angry and laugh too. With the good comes the bad. It’s all part of this life and the balance of how it all works together. Like Ying and Yang.

Ahhh… the breath is so refreshing and calming to ones persona. Clarity is nice and having a sense of calm is very healing for me. It’s my time to remember the things that I want for myself. To have a purpose, to feel free from within, to just be me!

I love that I am here and it’s fall. The beauty of the leaves turning and the new season is vastly approaching. It’s refreshing to me as it’s a sense of a new beginning. Although I have had many of those, I truly feel as this one is the most healing experiences that I have ever encountered in my existence of being on this planet. Mother earth and the universe are amazing! Thank you for my place on this abundant earth.

I am in love with my life, and my children are amazing people who have been a huge blessing to me. We say that children are so abruptly honest and sometimes cruel but I am fortunate to have the 2 most wonderful boys that accept me for who I am! AND I accept them for who they are and the mistakes they make along the way as I know that this is how they learn. We all do… well maybe not all of us but those that are open and ready will see the lesson and change the course along the way.

Live life to the fullest because you never know what is to come your way. Never depend on others as they control what they want and always love yourself for who you are. Live in the moment and love the journey. The lessons we encounter are all part of the connection we have to each other and everything.

Thank you for everything, life and its lessons are truly amazing!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Keep on going

I don’t understand the ups and the downs we go through but I understand that it is all part of the process. So, I just go with the flow….. And then there are those other days…..

Those days are the ones that bite me in the emotional ass and try to take charge of my emotions. YES I feel them and then I purge them. Sometimes they keep coming at me like a persistent antagonizing pest! But here’s the thing I am a damn strong woman with a drive that keeps me moving along. I will NOT let anyone or anything stand in my way of reaching my goals.

There is a lesson that is to be learned here and sometimes I’m not sure if I’m getting the lesson. Am I too stubborn to see it? Do I just ignore it intentionally? Am I not ready to see it? WTF! I know that I do not want to continue down this same path or re visit this type of situation again down the road.

So here is my wish…. Cast upon the vast universe…. And I’m depending on the Law of Attraction to give me in which I give and will receive with open arms!

Whatever it is I’m supposed to learn I thank you for those lessons but in exchange for a sense of peacefulness I give myself to you with trust and all my love for now I feel as if this is too much for me to handle all on my own. I give myself to you in hopes that you will take this from me and do away with the tenseness in which I feel.

This world is so abundant and I am rich beyond measures. Thank you for everything I have in my life and the lessons which come along with it.

To those of you who may be reading my blogs… know that everything in our life is a direct result of what we have sowed in our many actions and thoughts. Remember to keep your focus on which things you want in life and stay blind to the crap along the way. Keeping your focus on what you want in life will then only allow yourself to keep the sense of direction in which you are headed.

To you and your challenges that you may be facing, I give you encouragement to face those things in which try to stand in our way and the strength to keep moving forward.


Thursday, October 2, 2008

If only we could get past this point or that point...

Sometimes I wonder why I am constantly so busy.

Then this morning as I was walking my trash up the driveway… and I started crying... I checked in with myself and discovered that I had a moment of weakness and it was because of the loneliness… I cried and thought that -this must be why I keep myself so busy.

The mornings are a challenge for me but this I know shall pass too. So I’m sharing it and moving on… To let it out and feel it is something new for me. BUT I know that in order to process through it, I must feel it too. Thank you for my awareness’s, I am so grateful for the change.

Processing my divorce has been a lot of work. Gathering documents and making copies takes time. I am all about money making activities. That is not one of them. Really I have far more important things to do than to deal with that shit! L Drama! I’m going to find that one thing that I want to do… I know what I’m passionate about to my core, but something that is fun and I love to do. -Dancing? -Choreography? -Hmmm just thinking out loud tonight.

I feel as if I really could use the help. I feel a bit overwhelmed with my financial challenge right now. It’s not by choice but by responsibility. Why is it that some of us just are not responsible? Hmm let’s see…actually... It’s all about CHOICE!

Choose to or Choose not to.

We cannot control others decisions but we can choose how we react to things. Maybe choose not to push buttons… That game of TAG is mighty childish.

I am so humbly grateful for where I am today. I am being taken care of. I’m still manifesting money everyday and handling my business responsibly. I just keep moving forward and someday I trust it will get smoother.

I’m kind of tired and really hooked on this book I have been reading… It’s after 10pm and I want to read for a bit…. So there’s today’s thoughts out LOUD…

Love and Light

Kimberli H