Sharing my JOURNEY....

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I’m doing it !

It is ok to see the challenge in front of you and be scared! Be scared and still do it and life will be amazing. Because you stretched yourself to the challenge of change. I'm giving myself credit for doing that in my life!

Be proud of all that you do. The mistakes are part of the process.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Deep seeded in my head? Where??

When someone touches me in a, oh so good spot things in my life start feeling uncomfortable. -Normal things between married couples. But for me, all I hear is my mother saying how I'm a dirty little girl. Wow, to come to understand why I feel uncomfortable about what your husband does is normal. I just have this belief that touching me sexually is a dirty thing. Really what that boils down to is that my mother taught me that.

Tom to touch me and love me is ok because I like it. To shed the belief that I now understand, I must learn to love and allow.

I like it when you rub my luscious lips. I love it when you are freshly shaven. I love that you can cook, I love your bald head, and I love and admire your passion for being successful. -I love you.

Deep seeded things that I never really understood, until now.

Who would've ever dreamed that some of the things you do today are a direct correlation to some of your past. Huh? I'm still learning more about me here. Talk about an awakening to something much deeper though.

This means that we hold ourselves back because of some of the beliefs we were labeled with as a child. This can be detrimental and devastating. Sheesh, its tough enough just growing up as a kid.

Something that someone once said to you and; with that person's belief, they judged you and I guess it tends to stick for some reason. Thats what we get for looking up to our peers or our parents. Who'd ever known that! Definitely NOT ME! Until now….

What I learned a long time ago and I've always called it… Generational Error. –The things we get from our parents, the things they got from their parents, and the things they got from their parents, and so on…. -This vicious cycle.

I'm thankful of my awareness' to some of the reasons why I tell Tom no.

I've learned so many things from my parents. I'm so thankful that my parents taught me things that I'd never want my children to experience because I remember the way it made me feel. I'm thankful for some of the lessons I was taught by "the hard way" because that changed my life in a dramatic way. AND a BIG THANK YOU again for the challenges you put forth with those deep seeded thoughts I have. They have taught me that what I like is all that matters, and its ok. I am learning the aspect of allowing things to happen. You know they say go with the flow….. Tom said it the other day in talking to me about riding the flow of life. He likes it mellow and I like it with determinate, speed. I'm learning about allowing the change to flow within me from the core of what I want. By the way I'm still figuring out me right now, what I want is next, I promise.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Who would’ve ever known?

Not the way I would've ever imagined this conversation I had with my mother. BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL.....

I am so thankful for the conversation I had with my mother on Sunday. I was able to have an adult conversation with her and listen to why she was calling me. –My brother.

Finally doing something outside of my comfort zone! I have been able to confront my mother about some things that happened when I was a child. –No longer scared of her….I was able to express how I felt about those situations that made a big impression in my life...

Monte made such an impact and I know that my mother does not know the whole story. I told my mother that my relationship with her was not close when I was a child…. I knew this because of how I remember the incident with Monte and how I came forth. I told my best friends mother about it before I told my own mother. I remember that I was so afraid of my mother when I was a child.

To express myself freely with my mother was a great thing. Maybe the beer I shared with Tom earlier aided in that but overall….. The conversation we had was such a connection that I've never shared with her in my life. I feel like since I was able to tell her about some of the incidents that made such an impact on my life. -I was uplifted to express myself about something that bothered me as a child.

She shared with me the struggles of her past and her chemical imbalance of her brain. She called it Emotional Stress. -The abuse she endured. -She expressed to me how YAK has really helped her…..Funny thing is that I tell myself everyday that the YAK is healthy for my body and I just drink it. It's yaklicious. It's Chinese Herbs from my uncle Allan.

The enlightened feeling I have about this whole connection with my mom…

She has no idea of my breakthrough with her when Tom and I attended the Breakthroughs with Jeffrey Combs. That's when I had confirmation of the angry feelings against my mother.

Many Breakthroughs for me in my life, each one I learn something different. To see the growth that I am doing is an eye opening experience for me. I truly can choose what I want in life. I have had many things happen in my life and most of my childhood memories are not happy ones. But I learned after I divorced my 1st husband that I could choose to have a victorious life as a survivor. So I changed my tune of no longer choosing to be a victim. This still meant that I had the past to deal with but never knew how. That conversation with my mother was a deep sense of connection to my mother. She was allowing herself to be vulnerable and I allowed myself the same privilege.

I stood up to my mother without any of the confrontations. -Just a conversation.

I'm sure there are many more learning experiences that I will be challenged with in my life.....I'm definately learning along the way.

Thank you for the abundance I have in my life, I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A bit into what, where and how

Somehow for me to know who I was…. used to be a tough question for me to answer. For starters my name is Kimberli Hoerner; I’m a mother of a blended family, in which I am very much in love with, and I also have 2 Airedale Terriers –Leilani and Nui who are a big contribution to our family.
I believe that I’ve been on this journey called “Life” that takes us too many different aspects and dimensions of this planet in which we live on. Here’s a little of history on how I arrived where I am today.

When I was growing up, my families’ belief was to be “tough”. What does this mean? It meant that crying was a sign of weakness, and as a child you were to be seen but not heard. So this meant that I never expressed anything and I always stuffed all of my emotions and feelings. I was a child, I had no idea that I was stuffing my feelings and that it was unhealthy for me. I just knew I wanted the acceptance of my parents, so I did my best to stuff all of my emotions and keep quiet.

I remember my parents fighting, and with most families there was definitely dysfunction. In my childhood I encountered many forms of abuse. As a young child of 5, I was sexually abused by a close neighbor for quite sometime, emotional, mental and physical abuse from my mother, my father who just neglected me by drinking, and a few unpleasant experiences from being in the big city of Hawaii with no parental guidance. My 1st husband was abusive and during my marriage I endured many forms of abuse up until I had the courage to file for divorce and leave that situation. -I stuffed all of my emotions throughout that whole experience. After I divorced my 1st husband is when I started my walk with personal development. I was educated to work through my emotion. The problem for me was that someone just told me to work through it; they really never taught me how to do that. So I still didn’t quite understand how to do that. My friends never could assist me in my questions and give me some good feedback. So I just put this question of how to on the back burner.
When I married my 2nd husband, I was in a state of bliss as I was finally in a healthy relationship where I could freely express myself. 5 years later my husband had a massive heart attack leaving him in a coma for over 4 months. At age 24, I was faced with having to make the decision to continue to watch my husband waste away on life support or support what I knew he would have wanted. I only knew this, as we had this discussion in the past when his grandfather had fallen into a coma. His wishes were to discontinue his life support, although my husband’s parents felt much different about what I decided, I did what I knew was right. I knew I was supposed to work through my emotions and for once in my life I thought I was dealing with those emotions, but what I ended up doing was turning to drugs and alcohol to cope instead. What I didn’t realize is that I was doing more damage than good. In hindsight I realize now is that I stuffed every one of my experiences throughout my life as deep as I could. What this did was turn me into a ticking time bomb that would explode at any single moment in the right circumstances and placing me in a vicious cycle of aggravation.

Sometime after my 2nd husbands passing, I was determined to get my life together, after all I had my 2 boys to think about. I knew that bankruptcy was NOT an option and I tried to continue with our company but that didn’t work out. -So I shut the doors. I ended up selling almost all of our assets (which wasn’t much as we didn’t own anything) and got a job as an accountant. I worked hard and made extra money on the side as often as I could. I worked, worked and worked. No matter how hard I worked it seemed that I never got ahead. The logical thing to me was that I wasn’t making it and I had to start looking for a new job. Found it! I now was a Corporate Accountant and it seemed like the dream job for me. Beautiful for the first year and then suddenly at times I found myself working 50-70 hour work weeks and barely ever home with my boys anymore. -Turns out that it wasn’t so glamorous after all. Thank goodness for my husband, Tom who I'd met through my job, as he was our companies heating repair guy. He was there to take care of the things I wasn't able to as a mother. Sick of my J~O~B, I started looking for a new job that hopefully paid just as well but less hours. One day I came across this advertisement in the local newspaper that said "turn your annual income into your monthly income". It had a number listed, so I called. It was a young guy talking to me about “Free Enterprise” What the heck was that? Apparently I was a fit for what he had to offer. I got on a presentation call and I knew that this was my ticket to getting out of my job. I was broke at the time and the program required me to come up with $1,600.00. WOW! That was a lot of money but if what they said was true then what did I have to lose. I borrowed the funds on my credit card and dove into “Free Enterprise” Long story short I managed to make an extra $18,000.00 and what I spent was 10 times more than what I earned. BUT what I discovered from that experience was this…. It wasn’t the money I was supposed to earn; it was the experience and the knowledge I was supposed to learn. Because of the tools and the knowledge I now had, I was able to help myself, my youngest and my 12yr old in turning his negative behavior and failing grades around to the opposite of what it was before. CJ is now a A/B Student. I'm so proud !

In 2005, I started a consulting company and began to work myself out of this debt I was in. In December of 2006; I was then again introduced to “Free Enterprise”. Hesitant but this time I truly did my due diligence in this company. What I found was this… This company was similar to the company I was with before, however the integrity and the mission statement I was presented with was mind boggling! The money back guarantees they offered and the authenticity of these founders were far different that I have ever seen in this industry. I have done my fair share of Network Marketing –anywhere from Telecommunications, Mary Kay, Avon, Waiora, Pampered Chef, Quixtar, Ecoquest, Herbalife, Prepaid Legal, Liberty League, EPI, Primerica, etc… All in which I wanted something but was never really congruent with my product. This time I am so excited to be part of something so big, that I made the decision with my husband to become a visionary of this company. -Our company is DYP. So I’ve been with this company since the very beginning, and the products have just launched in 2007.

Tom and I had the opportunity to be part of the making of these transformational products and I was so excited for the next part of my journey. Of course I had no idea what lies ahead of me…….
For so many years now, I have done my best in dealing with all of my so called “emotional stuffing”. What this means is… I’ve learned to deal with the emotional stuff that comes up in life but never had the courage to go back and deal with the past. (There was a reason some of that stuff was down there stuffed so deep. –It hurts!) Those emotions sometimes rose to the surface and I just kept stuffing them back down as I wasn’t ready to deal with it, and that I had no idea how to do that. I knew that I should and I wanted to, but how? My life long struggles were suddenly a challenge that I was ready to deal with. How? Just keep asking and be open to the answers. Last November I attended the Breakthrough Conference in beautiful Puerto Rico at the most beautiful resort I’ve ever stayed at. -Grand Melia. During this conference I laughed, I relaxed, I danced, I cried and I broke through some of my life’s biggest challenges I have ever faced. There was a guest speaker that presented a tidbit on stuffing emotions. WOW! -Talk about Law of Attraction! Thank you! I was listening with my undivided attention and I discovered a whole new concept of emotional stuffing, and how to allow those feelings to come up freely, and purge them out. You see, she taught me that just like our body in fighting off disease, our spirit naturally fights for us too. She called our past emotional stuff, our “oils”. As we continue to pour good thoughts, feelings, and stuff into our mind, our “oils” will naturally arise to the surface. We also did a four square exercise that assisted me in breaking through a deep seeded belief that I had about never being good enough, or that I even deserved it. For the first time in my life, I felt uplifted and like I deserved everything I had and wanted in my life after this exercise. I now understood why from time to time those stuffed feelings would naturally come up and that I should allow it to. Now what? I continued to go through my 56days to destiny program through the Discovery series. Using this program gave me the courage to go through this journey and the tools to assist me in releasing this emotional baggage and purge those things that came up. The other important thing I got from this program was the understanding of this process and how it all works conjunctively with each other. The last and final piece was the Discovery Mentorship Sessions. On Saturdays Discovery Mentorship sessions with mentors who live and teach through their wisdom and experiences there are so many special guests. Guests, who gave me the tools to change my beliefs of who I was as a being and to breakthrough many of those deep seeded beliefs of the conditioning I received as a child. The good things I poured into my being with all of my personal development, just made those stuffed feelings rise quicker and pour out of me like a cup over filled with dirty water. I will admit going through this stuff (and I know I’m not done as I’ve learned some of the triggers along this journey) has rocked my world and turned it upside down for a short time period but wow what a gift to me and my life. I would’ve never dreamed in a million years that this company was the true inspiration to the hugest transformation in my life.
I feel that since I was able to have this experience in my life, I would now be able to share with others. Today I am thankful for everything and everyone who is in my life. I feel emotionally free for the HUGE amount of emotional baggage I had been carrying has been left behind and let go. Talk about a weight being lifted off my back. I believe that we all have a gift and a purpose here and until we truly get in touch with ourselves on the inside, we will never find that part of us. We all are capable of whatever it is we so desire. The saying I’ve learned is…”If we don’t go within, we go without” I have been in turmoil for most my life, and now that I have learned the true gift of purging that turmoil and dissattaching myself from the outcome, life is just what happens along the way. ~Riches are gratitude and money is just the by-product.

My deepest wishes to you and your prosperity~
Kim Hoerner

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Gotta do what?

Accepting challenges with understanding that those challenges have its own timing…

Just when you think everything is going the way you planned, something just shows up. Does this ever happen to you?

Seems no matter what we did to sell the division, it would just find a way to stay longer. This business, our HVAC division was a stepping stone to something bigger for us. It was nice to be self employed, but the responsibilities that came along with this Brick & Mortar type business were HUGE! The technical stuff a boss would take care of if you had a job. -Right?

Between Tom and me, we were tired of the business just covering its business bills. Never any extra money for our family, but we liked the fact that we had the freedom to schedule things around our family of 6. Tom and I worked this business and we were both drained. If only there was one more of "me"

Finally it's SOLD! 5 Months after the first offer fell through back in October 07.

We were really counting on the division being sold as we have a passion of helping people. How? We were going to figure that out along the way.

Our journey… I asked Tom awhile ago while I was reading the book the Passion Test, if he was passionate about what he was doing. Does he love what he does…? He came back a few days later and said "no" So we talked about how unhappy we were with the business and understanding that we had to hire more people and bring in more work or get a game plan together for how we could get some money into our household. If we continued on the same path, we were never going to be able to pay us. So we made the decision to sell the business. 1 month being on the market, a buyer came along and we worked on contracts with Attorneys but we left to a conference before we closed the deal.

A revolutionary conference that both of us knew we wanted to attend. We were excited but when we were buttoning up the deal when we got back….. The buyer fell off the face of the earth. Huh? This meant that the company was back on the market and we had to continue working it. There were a few other buyers that came to the table but not one that would have the integrity to write the check. So here we are in February 2008. Tom and I had a plan B while we were in motion with Plan A of selling the business. -So Plan B was…. We decided after January, we would sell our clientele and assets of that division.

It's February and not only did our Plan B work, we were still in business to land a big last minute job in January. This meant that the profits from that job would virtually take that division out of any debt it was in. -After all the books closed. The bonus now is…. We still have all the assets from our 4 departments within that division to sell. Amazing in how this worked out differently (Stressful) but it put us in a whole different aspect of starting our newest division of Posch Enterprises, Inc.

This was a journey in which I never really understood the concept of the universes timing until now. It's funny throughout my life I fight for things to happen my way and in my timing, so much that I stress myself out! It's got me think'n…. I look back and think about all those situations of the things I demand out of life. Even though the other side of what I'm doing always means that it involves another person. Now I understand that I cannot rush things. I've known that but never really understood it until now. I do move at a fast pace and have been aware of that but it really never made sense until now how much I need to slow down and be in the flow of life.

I do know that if you want something in life, you got to keep your focus on what you want in your life. Thank you for the journey of lessons I continue to learn, thank you for the patient husband I have in my life, thank you for the weight that has just been sold from the Air Filtration division, thank you for the abundance I have, and thank you for showing me the true understanding of effortlessness and ease.

This is a celebration blog as we are ready to start this new chapter of our life…..

Thank you

Monday, February 11, 2008

Going where?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Current mood: confused

Who am I? Who is Kim Hoerner…..

Before Breakthrough I was confident in who I was (kind of), then during Breakthrough I learned that I never felt like I deserve anything nice. Why??? Because I'm a bad girl, a dirty girl who always deserves what happens to her. NO -this is not true…. The truth is….

I deserve everything I want out of life. What do I want...? -Happiness, love, affection, laughter, success, a relationship with my husband, a life that is full of laughter and fun.

Today I feel like it's my turn to let go. I know in my heart of hearts is this…. I desire DYP to work! I desire a schedule. I desire to be working out at the gym. I desire to be happy in my relationship. I desire $20,000.00 in my bank account. I desire a new bed. I desire new clothes. I desire our garage being built in the spring. I desire an invisible fence for the dogs. I desire a beautiful backyard with a huge fire pit. I desire the most elegant party that Tom and I have ever thrown. It will be catered. I will make Kal-bi. I desire to have successful friends that are like minded. I desire for my children to get along. I desire my children to work together. I desire to know truly down deep, who is Kim Hoerner?

I write this when I'm zoned, When I'm in my own little world, I'm kind of lost. I feel that I do not have a purpose. I'm dazed with a fog. This is not me… I know that I have a strong will, I know that I'm always strategizing, I know that I'm a multi-tasker, I know that I'm shaping my eyebrows into what I want, I know that I'm driven about things I'm passionate about, I know that sometimes I'm a bitch, I know that I'm moody, I know that my split personality as I may has allowed me to lose control of me.

I can't say that I love my children. They don't even make me happy. They fight, they bicker, they tattle tale on each other, and do they even love each other? How do I change this? I should start looking at the things that are great about the people in my life. –Especially, Tom. CHANGE! What does this mean to me???

It means waking up in the morning early to go to the gym or some kind of exercise.

It means staying in control of me and my thoughts.

It means believing in the process. Ahh this is a challenge for me.

It means being thankful for all that I have right now.

It means talking calmly from now on.

It means no more drugs.

It means taking more time for me.

It means loving yourself.

Which means do the things that will make you be in love with your body.

It means waking up everyday with a hopeful thought and gratitude.

It means dream.

It means think about what can be, and remember to feel them on the inside.

It means smile while I talk.

It means that's a lot of stuff to do.

Which one is the most important? Tom... That wasn't even on list. Why Tom? Because we truly were meant to be together but we both have our own problems right now and I think that this marriage is in the wrong time in our life. -Maybe later on in life.

Right now actually I need to work on me! I feel like I'm not myself, and haven't been in a few years. Maybe I'm happy with having a job. -It's easier. Maybe its that I'm uncovering my true existence of what do I want to do with my life? No longer an accountant, gotta be self- employed as I am psychologically unemployable, I like to be in control.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I say Kudo....

I was listening to the radio tonight on my way home from the office at 10:30pm and I heard the song by Lifehouse. It got me to thinking… Are you willing to do whatever it takes?
For me I feel that I'm already stretched out as far as I can go. I'm not doing enough?!!?
How much more do I allow on my plate? Do I continue with what I wanted? -To clear the clutter. To clear the chaos that comes with the clutter? I have chosen yes. Clear the clutter of the mind though. –Not clean the house. That's done already!

Sometimes I feel that other people push, push and push. I want to relax, and for once in my life, I want to get to know me for a bit. Who is Kimberli? For so long I have put others in front of me. It's time has come that I for once take the time in for me. -Maybe not every day, but at least 2 days a week. This is just the beginning of something I have never done in my life. Kudos...It just feels right. ….Meaning I have made this commitment to take some time in for me and my well being on a weekly basis. That's exactly what I have been doing. -Soon to be daily thing for me!
The business side of everything is coming together just as we planned. Now that I know that this taken care of what's next?

Guess what? …The very thing I have been running away from… ME!

Yes, I have been running away or shall I say finding things to deter and side track me from getting down and dirty with myself…Yes, I'll admit it. But what I have discovered is that I have embarked on this journey to answer that question…. Who am I? What are the things I like to do? That's where I started... I decided that I love to swim, the water relaxes me. I love to sing and dance, it just lifts me up. I am learning to enjoy reading, as it expands my mind. I love to watch children laugh and play, I'm jealous because I'm just now learning how to play at 31 years old. This was something I never really encountered growing up. My household was serious when I was younger, and as I grew older it was my responsibility of taking care of my brother while "mom" was gone. I always heard growing up as a teenager that my family said that I missed my childhood. I agree, but I have been playing with my kids. Things like: board games and playing in the swimming pool. It's a start and I am thankful for that. Reality… It's the first time in my life that I'm actually asking the right questions and the answers are coming with such effortlessness. I now understand that I musk ask the right questions and be open to receive the answers in its own timing.

So my question of are you willing to do whatever it takes? My answer is yes. -BUT in my own timing. I'm dealing with deep seeded issues from the past.

I know in my heart of hearts, this journey of going within and digging all the clutter out… I know that I will be a whole new person on the inside. I know that I will have those feel good feelings within myself. AND I also know that everything else will come in time. The most important thing I have found is this...

Do what you love to do 

If you love your life, then the general rule is that life will love you back. I choose this life with conscience thoughts and choosing to stay focused on my goals and my dreams.

To you and your journey,

Monday, February 4, 2008

Ahh Ha Moments

I feel that going back to see your growth is rewarding; well at least it is for me.

I look back a few years ago and I see Tom and me struggling and our relationship was starting to deteriorate. I remember thinking…"how could I allow this to happen?"

Sometimes we write down the things that we don't like or the things we want to change in our lives. But where does it go from there? Do you take action? Sometimes I think that sometimes, I just let it go. Pick the important fights of your life.
At this moment in my life, I feel so thankful for the series of events that have recently happened in our life. -Although, I am thankful for every event that has happened in my life. I've learned many things from the different experiences.

Just recently being 2005 up until this point…2008: Tom and I have been in turmoil with Tommy and Tabi's mother, and in so many ways Wendy showed me a bit of myself. In my opinion, I was being a super control freak and I think Wendy must've had a negligent type of childhood where she feels like the "poor me" victim. -Too bad

I'm, so thankful that I learned to recognize those victimized feelings a long time ago. I was hiding from myself. I was hiding away from the little girl who desperately wanted my parent's approval and attention. –I never got it! It's OK…
So I learned things in life with "street sense" Not exactly the easy road but, I am today from what I chose yesterday which has been done with my strong personality I gained through my experiences in life.

To be thankful for everything; My life in my new home in Snohomish, my office which was our old home in Burlington, Tom's new parenting plan schedule for Tommy and Tabi, the reduction in our child support, the sold company; Air Filtration, the education that I continue to learn and teach, The new openness of my vulnerability. Today I have an abundant life that flows easily and effortlessly. I love my new understanding, of what I want to focus on. Thank you for the life that I live with all 4 of my children. Thank you for my awareness, and for me.

I've always had my own power. I just chose to give it away with my non confidence; me questioning myself, if I did it right?

I know differently now