So that's happening!

I did all I could do with Fred, but after Monday’s appointment with the surgeon, which BTW… this was the first time anyone could get a digital device in there to view what it looked like. Obstructed view, but a bit of progress. 

Honestly, it doesn't help that my surgeon is going into a induced labor on May 9th, but if Fred gets any worse or anything else comes up while she is on maternity leave... I will have to start all over with another surgeon. I really like Dr. Z and felt that I wasn't caving due to timing. I gave Fred everything I had since October, and it's now May. It's time for my unwelcomed guest to leave AND I guess forcefully it is. Ugh, I tried! --Bottom line, after really talking it through with Dr. Z, I decided I needed to stop fighting this and just get surgery. So, on Thursday morning, mama’s gonna get a new asshole and Fred will be gone. 

Scared as hell. Not of the pre-operative or operation, but the post op. After all, you need your asshole to poop and it's not like you can stop your bodily functions, nor would you want to. OMG I'm terrified of how bad that will hurt. But it is, what it is and there will be relief in the end. So, cheers to a successful operation!

Worst critic

I know I’m my worst critic, but loving my body is challenging for me. I feel that I am not fit enough. So change it! Fred needs to go away. He has over stayed his welcome. I’m ready to get back to the gym to get fit. -Get back to it. It's been 4 months, now! Spin, Swim or Gym. 1 of something every day! Time to shake it up.

I feel chunky, not lov’n this present space, body, right now! Nope, instead, I feel fat, chunky and not pretty. My hair is almost there, so close; a little longer in the back. Cut of 18" in trying to get back to a shorter haircut, but it has been one bad haircut after another. I finally have someone who is listening to what I want. 

Don’t have to go to the gym to workout. Probably could swim though. Sauna for sure. Just need to maintain this "easy" pace until Fred is gone and then I will slowly slip back into the gym lifestyle again. I SOOOOOO miss it!

Why do I feel so connected when I am with my plant teacher?

It’s like my body is channeling the energy through my body on a higher connected level. It feels good to stretch, laugh and go with the flow of where it wants to move. However, I cannot explain it. Some would look at me is if I was “out there” Maybe I am. Maybe I want to be. But only when I’m with my plant teacher. I don’t understand. I want too!

Where am I in life right now? I feel as if I am floating, dealing with Fred and accepting that I need to take it easy. There are a lot of feelings coming through as I work with him.

I thought I was done blogging, but it seems as if it was a break. Just like counseling. You go, go and go, then take a break. I guess that is the flow of things. Never really gone. Like Spirit.

Where am I really? Time to check in.

I have a job that is a-a-lri-i-ight. I don’t really like my boss. He is a little dick-ish in how he communicates. My first “write-up” on my employment record. Pissed me off, actually! But I figure, if he wants that much control, then I will never do anything without his direction first. It’s hard for me not to take initiative, but that’s my new role here at this job. I thought I was a control freak, but being given taste of that directly is eye opening for me. Those who want control, have the most stuff to manage; stress. Letting go is a gift of trusting others. Capable people who can help, collectively as a team. So I just come in and do my job, well!

I want to get out into my yard, but Fred is still here and I feel that resting my body is what is needed until he is completely healed. As I am spending time with Fred, I am discovering parts of myself that are start to show up. Tingling, sharp nerve sensation in showing me that this is a deeper connection that is coming to light. Today as I explored my body, I had an initiation surrounded by tears and a little screaming. Fred is throwing me off of my game. Actually, let's give him some credit. --Fred is revealing more about what is happening, at a deeper level.

Thank you!

Real me?

When I smoke a little flower, things change for me. I become super critical of me.

My awareness shows me that I am 2 different people when I’m smoking, or I’m not. What parts are real? Is my mind on warp speed? Can be. When I really don’t want to do something, or I have less energy. I can just have a quick smoke and, I’m off and gassed up as J would say. I can lite a fire to motivate myself to keep going.

I have an ideation of who I am, and what I look like. I’m not living that truth right now and sometimes; I just find myself not where I want to be. Making decision that I am not happy with, like… chocolate, junk food, fast food, soda. That is not how I want to feed my body! Where is my self-control?

I want to be working outside, digging my hands in the dirt and designing a beautiful, landscaped home!

Making plans for my future self! Just go, be! Be me to have the freedom to discover what that is. The question is who am I? What does that look like? -Perception, creativeness, discovery, stretching, unwinding and... I'm open!

What should I be doing?

How many times have you asked yourself that question? If you are anything like me, it has come up time and time again. Proof positive that I am not doing something that is soul satisfying in springing myself outta bed every day! -But what should I be doing?

For so many years, and it feels like a lifetime ago.  I have been doing what is self-satisfying, or what satisfies my parents to be proud of my success. Not ideal, not even close!

I’m sure I’ve blogged about this numerous times, and here I am again! -I am feeling so lost right now.

Do I stay in accounting? My gut says no! But I went to school to get my MBA, countless hours and $$ went into perfecting my craft! -Learning to let that go!

Do I go back to life coaching? Am I really ready for that again? I feel like I’m leaps and bounds away from where I was back in 2008, but almost scared to take that leap of faith.

Here is my trust in the universe that the path in which I am to follow will reveal itself in the right timing.

Suddenly realized

Lately, I have been feeling as if I am not being true to my spirit and soul. I feel as if I am wearing a mask. Not intentionally, but again the old programming to lead my daily life.

What do I want? True blissfulness. I know that with everything we do there is, yin to the yang; with all the bliss, there also are challenges. In short, not always going to be good days!

I know that deep down in my soul, accounting is no longer what feeds my soul, not that it ever did. It just paid the bills and got me where I am today. I’m thankful; I have been successful. I chose to let that go and be happy! Long ago if you would’ve asked me… it was being rich. Monetarily! Now, I just want to wake up every morning and feel as if I am living my soul’s purpose. What is and what does that look like? Dunno, but the strong awareness of this desire to life true to my soul’s desire is becoming stronger!

I choose a life of living freely in happiness. Slowing down! I love how this topic keeps coming up. It’s evolving, but still making its way to the forefront. This is my journey! Shift of consciousness and living a life freely!

I don’t know what that is yet? I am still in money making mode as I begin this transition into my true self.

Here’s to trusting the process.

Love & Light

Reaching your goals, but something is missing.

Are you one of those individuals who works /worked hard, makes the challenging choices, sacrifices, and does whatever it takes to create the future you want for yourself. I am, and I thought that once I reached inevitably where I set my goals, I thought, I would happy. I was for a bit, and I worked so hard that I eventually burnt myself out. So, I tried to take a break to recharge, but never truly took a break. Staying busy is what I do. Rest, what is that?

I feel that I have done my best to make things happen, but now that I am here, I cannot escape the fact that I feel something is missing. A sense of purpose. I cannot find “true” happiness and I cannot find the gratefulness in my situation.  Why? I should be grateful for where I am in my life. I should be tickled that I have come a long way! Am I depressed? Why do I feel this way? I feel that I am starting to unravel in my unhappiness. So what do I do?

I am writing this to set the energy in motion. Please help me find gratefulness in everything I do, where I am, and in all my choices. Please help me find a sense of purpose in the direction I am heading in life. 

Talk about trusting the process

I will try to keep this short.

Back in 2013 I started a conversation about a job in Miami. My potentially new boss asked me. Have you ever been to Miami? Do you know what it’s like here? My answer was simple. No, I’d never been to Miami, and I didn’t care. I could be happy no matter where I was, as long as it was warm and by the beach. He said “People are rude here” I remember thinking… How people are, and behave is on them. How I allow it to affect me or I react… is on me. My response to him was “There are rude, mean, pissy people no matter where you are in life” -I don’t allow others behavior affect my world. I knew it was a direct correlation of their world, and had nothing to do with me.  Anyhow, let’s get back on topic. 

I was assured that things were in order, and that just certain parts of the job were not being done, therefore, I accepted the position. I sold my home and moved across country. However, when I arrived here (I wish I would’ve taken a picture of the mess and the many multiple piles) things were NOT as stated. Long story short… despite being lied to, I stayed. I cleaned up and implemented and handled the things that needed to be done. They clearly needed my help!

In 2015, I was almost fired. Why? Because, I brought my ethical expertise into this office, and it was not how they operated. Nonetheless, I started to lose my drive for this company. I thought that over time, things would change. Nope! I continued to stay. Why? I had responsibilities. I couldn’t just stop paying those. My modus operandi is to follow the law ethically and honestly. I couldn’t perform my job at the level of professionalism in which I believed in, and little by little as I continued to stay there… I lost myself. My beliefs were still there, but I would second guess myself, I became self-conscious and dwindled into this cowardly soul. I realized that this job was sucking the life right out of me and I couldn’t allow it to continue. Dying a slow death where you lose the sense of who you are. No longer worth the trade. I was supposed to stay with this company until I retire, but I just couldn’t do it. 

So I quit. I took a leap of faith and just trusted that this was part of the process, and in the end… it will all work out. Scaaaary… OMG!

Trusting the process has given me the time away to regain my footing, find my courage again and become that rock I know that I am. I’m so excited to announce that I have found a job with a rock solid reputation; not only the company but the partners as well. They believe in being ethical and being on the up and up with technology and believes in being forward thinkers! This company is within biking distance (if I wanted) from my house and appreciates and considers me as an asset. They truly take care of their staff and I am so glad that I trusted my instincts, trusted the process, trusted myself and trusted that in the end when one door closes… another one will open.

Challenging my faith

Growing up in a strict Catholic household, my mother always was faithful in her beliefs, and living a religious lifestyle. Of course as a rebellious youth, I fought her on everything. I didn’t want to go to church on Sundays; especially Korean church. Ugh! No, please don’t make me!

It was only when I became a teenager, I willingly made the decision to choose Christianity. I fell in love with a local church (His Place) and the people involved within this community. Until one incident occurred back in 2001 that rocked my world; my beliefs.

Since that incident, my beliefs have shifted. I no longer believed in labels. I felt strongly that there was a higher power but to label it GOD was something I couldn’t stand behind any longer. However, from time to time I found myself praying. Asking the higher powers that be to assist me in one way or another. I found myself swaying to call upon GOD. It never felt right to say “higher power” --Dear Higher Power… no, it just didn’t work. I found myself, fighting myself on this belief that I had set for myself. Until now.
 

Just recently, I’ve been awakened to feel the love within, and understand that the higher power and god are one in the same. I have no idea why I was fighting this concept as I called “labels” but it feels good to just allow it to be what it is.

With all the love I have in my heart and soul, I understand that sometimes the concept(s) I’ve set for myself could be limitations or someone else’s beliefs. Staying true to my essence, spirit and love will lead the way. Lead me toward the path in which I’m to follow and trust the process.

Thank you for the true awakening!

Out of control with “IT”

Justifying it… isn’t working anymore. I can see the effects, and can no longer have this in my life.

Why does it have a hold over me? Why do you have my power? “Tears forming” Why do you have my self-control? Is it really the last string I’m holding onto? –Seems to strike a nerve.

Right now it feels as if I’m allowing this power over me, and I’m out of control when I engage with it. If it’s here… I find myself drawn in. Limitations aren’t working. My sloppy choices after the fact are no longer serving the goals I have. 

More tears… and my tears are filled with you, glimpses of things I remember. Honestly, I barely remember you anymore. I remember how tall you were, I remember your face. Those blue eyes, curly hair and your laugh. This dates back to 1995, and the truth of the matter is… I must let go. IT is no longer serving me. Engaging with it leaves me feeling out of control. 

It’s time. Time to get deeper into the seriousness of me. Why am I so drawn to do those things? Those things that no longer serve me. Why do I allow anyone or anything to take my power away; self-control, and values?

This has been something that has been bubbling since 2000, and I must STOP! But you have a hold over me, which I cannot even begin to explain AND I feel that both are connected on some level.

I know what this is, and it’s becoming clearer. It’s no longer congruent and has moved to the forefront of my mind. So, now that I’m aware… I need to ask myself some deeper questions. Intentional questions. 

Baby steps? I believe the answers will be in those deeper, more intentional questions.

 

·        >>I challenge myself to find balance with everything I do. I’m a divided pie and each slice represents how I allocate every second of the time I’m given here on this majestic mother earth.

·       >>I challenge myself to just jump and trust that just like working out… It’s going to be hard focused work to reach those goals, and with each step… the goal becomes closer.

Plans change when you least expect it.

Just when you make a decision to do something. Wham! Something comes out of left field and changes your plan. 

I have so many thoughts and things on my mind that I feel so bottled and stuffed like a rag doll. I am so excited that I have 10 days of vacation coming. I plan on unwinding, and taking the time to do those things that I have been too exhausted to do. I can’t wait!

Here's to vacation.

Boomerang it back and give me the strength to keep going!

Some days the challenges of the battle just fuel me, some days those very same challenges just drains me and I get so exhausted!

Time for this or that; no! -I don’t really have time for much and when I do have the time, I just want to veg out sometimes. I know that I need rest and rejuvenation to be re-fueled. Reset! Entrainments definitely help with the grounding and solidifying the core. Thank you for the tools that I have been shown; use the tools!

Boy, I cannot wait until the stuff that is heaped on my plate is completed and cleared off!

This morning, when I was driving into town, I found myself asking the almighty universe for the energy to continue on with this research project and preparation of the things that need to be done.

So this is me expanding my energy out to the universe… Allow it to unfold and boomerang back to me 10 fold with the answers and outcome in which I desire and deserve. I ask the almighty universe to assist me in finding the strength to pursue and purge forward. Please bring forth the courageousness that is needed to continue on this path and the courage to have the wisdom to let go when the timing is right.

Always smiling no matter what, but some days that smile is harder to allow to genuinely happen so freely, please show me the path and direction in which I am to be walking.

REALLY??? AGAIN???

Some days I feel like the old “TOXIC” patterns just jump back into motion before I realize they are even there.

Awareness is a marvelous thing but I get tired of the circular motion of repetitiveness. I know that we as human species are creatures of habit, but REALLY? Why is it that we can establish a new pattern, and out of the blue, the old ones keep showing up? -Again and again, and again.

I used to be so self destructive and hurtful to myself, I allowed the judgmental and emotional side of my feelings to feel unconfident about my life or secure about which direction I am headed in; some days it just wants to just take over and I have to play tug of war. I know otherwise that the sure tail signs are showing me that my heart is winning over the mind battle. And that the things I’m doing are just falling into place. Are they? Or are they being forged into motion and then they just fall where I point them to? Either way the saying is “Go all in or go home” I am definitely a fighter! Some say stubborn and in many ways that has been true, but now that I am old enough to see the difference “I think” to make wiser decisions about what I do or where I go. Don’t get me wrong the mistakes are still there. –They always will be!

I know in my experience with life coaching, that the law of attraction is super powerful! It can be utilized in a healthy manor, or it can also be used in an unhealthy manor.

 It’s challenging for me to remember that thoughts carry vibrations of energy. With those old patterns that weave in and out, I have a challenging time with harnessing those negative judgmental thoughts that create the vibrations of negative energy. Boy, and when I finally realize that I am in that state of mind, the shift that needs to happen can make all the difference.

 For me to live with my heart and not my mind makes the battle so much easier to fight.

 Some days I feel like I have a grip on them. Some days my minds monkey chatter gets the best of me and I just spiral down into the abyss until I have the ability to say “ENOUGH”

 I just wanted to share that we are all human and no matter how hard we strive to be better, the old toxic patterns WILL weave in and out trying to get you to cave in. Live with your heart and no matter what life will meet you where you stand! Just remember to keep getting up and keep having faith in yourself!


Love and Light!

Grrrrrrrr sometimes I MUST remember to breathe!

I was misled by someone in an area of expertise that I really was counting on, and this situation has had me using lots of energy and time to research and explore. I was so upset to find out that he gave me wrong information! It frustrates me and makes me very upset. 

OK… Just me venting but remembering to breathe; boy oh boy do I feel like I have been used.

Thank you for the love I have and the patience I carry to be understanding. I am crossing my fingers that I found a new individual who will take the time to research and explore my options to make this happen for me.

Love and Light!

Life is so up and down!

I can remember the time when I was just separated and life was such a state of chaos. I was desperately trying so hard to save my credit and keep us in our current state; for the sake of myself and my children. -But at what expense? I lost myself mentally and emotionally so that I could afford 2 mortgages and make all the payments to the marital debt that was an accumulation of… well more than just my choices. 

Then finally one day I woke up and saw the reality of where this was going. -This, as in me. I was headed for a disaster. In actuality, I was already in it; I was just choosing to hang on to something that was slowly killing me. So much time had drifted and I found myself falling into some pretty bad situations that I had allowed myself to fall into so mindlessly. It was time to clean house; so I did!

I made some very big financial decisions that would affect me incredibly and it was time to move back to Burlington and find a mindless job… who really cares who I worked for as long as I could afford to make my house payment and take care of things in a responsible way without killing myself. The job I found was so easy, that I could do it in my sleep and no cares about it when I walked out the front door to go home. It was the perfect balance to the chaos that was happening in my life.

It has been so peaceful for so long that for some reason lately it seems that chaos has found its way back in. Not because of me but because of the man who is in my life. 

Is my mother right? My life is never complete unless there is chaos in it, or did I ask for this? The answer seems so painful to think about. Stop thinking about it right? No! I say process it and feel it and make informed decision about it.

What is the right decision, I guess if I knew that, then I wouldn’t be battling this thought and feeling the tears that arise when I can set my mind still and just feel it.

I feel chaos, I feel pain, and I feel so lost in my direction at this point, that sometimes I feel as if I am working backwards. Feel with my heart not my mind. God how I hate the monkey mind chatter that keeps going on back and forth; self doubt. 

Is this where I am the happiest? Is this where I want to be? I am doing what I want? Is this the right decision? Should I be doing this right now? Should I be the back bone for someone else? Shouldn’t I be looking out for me 1^st? –Yes! I am number one, first and foremost! How have I allowed myself to slip back into putting myself on the back burner? Make the change and be in control of myself. 

It’s funny how we change the course and sometimes we allow those old patterns to rise to the surface and take the reins. Recognition! Thank you for opening my eyes through my emotions.

Why we do the things we do…

Sometimes… ok most of the time I sit back and wonder why we do the things we do. Actually; I wonder why other people do the things that they do. -I know that I will never find the answer to that but people never cease to AMAZE me!

What is it that drives us to take the actions and the course we decide on?

Is it emotions?

Is it our hearts desires?

Is it other people?

Is it love?

Is it sacrifice?

Is it passion?

Is it greed?

I remember a long time ago, I once was a people pleaser. -Yep hard to believe for those of you who know me now; I used to do what was cool to fit in. As a child I lived a very sheltered life. Strict! OMG strict Korean catholic household and it was never easy to bend the rules or get away with much.

As a teenager trying to fit in, I did what others wanted me to do; I was an easy target to manipulate. But somewhere along the course of time and my experiences I have developed a sense of direction, a sense of boundaries and rock solid love for myself. I am so grateful to know the difference of people pleasing and doing what is right in my heart of hearts.

This was not an easy journey for me. Like any journey is ever easy right? -Anyways… I’m 35 and I have come to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter. People are people and they are going do what they feel is the best decision. I laugh a lot at what people do, I get frustrated at times, but most of all I take everything with a grain of salt.

When I find myself giving my power and energy away to someone else’s actions, I just stop and take a deep long cleansing breath (maybe 2 or 3, however many it takes) and remember that this is my life and I’m in control of me and my actions. Other people are in charge of theirs and in the end everything will always work out. -Everything will work out. You’ll see!

Love yourself first; then reach out and love others! You will get what you give so reap what you sow and remember to love every moment of everything in your life as it IS part of the process.

Grateful for today!

Not so long ago I can remember being so far in the future and sometimes, so stuck in the past.

It’s sometimes hard to believe that I now live in the moment. I drift into the future and sometimes reminisce about the past but I never stay in either of those moments for too long; as the present moment is very important to me.

There is now a clear understanding of the “present moment” and what it truly means to be in it.

So many times in the past I have been given the education and the opportunity, yet I still missed the boat. Missing that great moment of seeing something so beautiful; because my mind wandered into areas that can be self destructive and disheartening

I see so many people who are stuck in one world or the other but cannot seem to grasp on the being here and now. That saddens me; I want to just show them a glimpse of what I know so that they would see for themselves.

Thank you for all the experiences and for all the times... I’ve missed the boat! Because of those moments; I am where I am today! Every experience has been a very valuable lesson that I can only get if I go through those crossroads and make a decision for the greater person in me.

Triad of Change and Re-organizational Healing

Yes another gate has passed and the thoughts are just rolling. So here it goes.

Have you ever been at a place in life where you feel “stuck?” Stuck in the day to day rituals of allowing time to pass but you feel as if you’re not going anywhere but around and around. Funny thing really… I know that I’ve been here before, but here I am again.

I accepted a job some time ago and about a year or so, I started struggling with that job. It was no longer congruent to my energy and I knew that I needed to quit; I wasn’t sure when but I knew what I needed to do. -The question was when? 

In September 2010 after a healing vortex journey, energetic healing massage in Sedona and some time to heal, when I arrived back in Washington and went to work the next day, I knew that I could no longer be in that environment; I was compelled with sadness; a sadness that brought tears to my eyes the entire time that I was there in the office. So I felt drawn to take a visit to my boss’s office and express my feelings of discontent with the position and that it was time to leave this job. It was so liberating to know what I was supposed to do, and just do it.

So here I am 4 months later and have had a lot of time to gather myself and get clearer of what I am to do here on this path. That was what I intended but I actually found myself at a place where I felt lost. Lost in my thoughts, lost in time and space of what I “SHOULD” be doing with my time. Some of that were old conditioned patterns trying to emerge again… “The conditioned patterns of you need to work hard to get anywhere” My only thought was to not think about it. Just let the energy flow as it may and in time, the path will reveal itself. Not sure how but it would happen when the timing is right.

My questions were… What is it that I should be doing? What do I love? Where should I focus my energy on? But no matter how many questions I asked I still felt discontent for myself and the path. I felt as if I put the intention out to the universe but I wasn’t receiving the answers or the signs. 

I went to the gate with those same questions and the intentions of the laser beam focus on what I wanted out of this gate. Not attached to the results but strong intentions.

This gate was a wonderful experience but most of all the Triad of change and re-organizational healing was very informative on my how my biological make up corresponds with the way I focus and utilize my energy. 

To understand that my Behavior is my prime, structure is my keystone and my drain is perception is such a concept to understand of how to put things in motion and to understand why I have been in such a rut for so long. The bottom line is that I have been in my mind and “thinking” about those questions when my modus operandi is of action. I knew that I say in my mind but to have the realization of understanding that is a different story.

Thank you for the path and the wisdom to see the doors open and not only that to say thank you for being an open receptor to allowing this change to take place. – I can’t wait to get home and do, do, do!

Thanks Wise World for this wonderful experience and thank you to the universe for unfolding these events. I’m also not going forget to say thank you to myself for “Showing up”

A time for thankfulness

I know that I was struggling back in 2008 and 2009. I know why, and I know what I was searching for.

 

In looking back over the past few years… I remember how many questions I had. I've learned... The quality of the question, determines the quality of the answer.  

This is my observation as of today… Not that many entries and even the journal entries in my offline journal are scarce as well. -Here’s to the gratefulness of discovering those answers and feeling good!  

Make a wish.

I used to sometimes want to be someplace else….

Wanting to escape to another world….

Many people including myself have felt… If it wasn’t for this or that, I could just have a different life than things would be better, but really it’s that kind of thinking that keeps us in the same state of mind. Really the change had to start from the inside. The feeling has to change on the inside first b4 they can appear on the outside.

Believe to achieve.

Feel not think life. NO live life!