Just a little bit of time

I am inevitably in charge of me. My thoughts are carving my future reality. What do I want? I want to live happily and have fun in life; I want to fix up this house we live in. I want to give myself credit for all that is in my life and everything I’m doing. I want to feel love. I do understand things about love… but I want to feel love as an inside feeling. -For myself and others.

I realized the other day that I’ve always allowed me to put things and other people before me. What does this mean… it means that I’ve allowed myself to be out of balance and I was sacrificing myself for others! Pleasing others for acceptance is something that I feel came from generational error.

I’ve always put my parents, my children, my husband, my business, my goals, and my drive to be successful ahead of me. (“ME” meaning my heart and soul) Honestly, Money has controlled me. Or shall I say that money has been the thing that has driven me to where I am today. So, Financially, I let it go!

But my thoughts always came back to wondering who Kim is? For a very long time, I felt like a little lost girl of an abuse stricken past that haunted me like a victim. I remember what I was like before I got married but now I feel as if there is a hole. A WHOLE part of myself that is missing. Maybe not so much a part but a….. CONNECTION

Part of my journey has led me through personal development. In some way throughout my life’s journey, I realized that I have been in some form of personal development since I divorced my first husband. Amazing to have lessons in life and not realize it until later. Later… now that I have been educated on what personal development really is.

I’m looking back and reflecting on my progression, and that has changed something for me now that I have recognized the awareness of my realizations. As time goes on and I focus on that, the awareness just keeps growing stronger.

I wholeheartedly want to work on who Kim is… I feel that because of some recent events that have happened in my life. This has brought up some very big questions. Questions for me and my parents, confusion of my mother’s punishments, anger for my father, understanding of my estranged husband’s decisions, but it has also given me the awareness in getting back to working on me.

Loving myself
Accepting my success and deservedness
Allowing myself to forgive my past as it’s never been my fault as I’ve always been led to believe.

I see things differently now. The self destruction I did in my childhood was the ripple effect of the loneliness I felt as a child. I always wanted the love of my parents but I cannot remember a time when I felt anything! I never remember my parents holding me or expressing any type of love that I can remember. Maybe words but… no action!

Everything is going to be ok! I tell this to myself so that maybe someday I will start feeling the belief of that statement. Honestly I am petrified of the unknown! I just remind myself that the positive thought is that everything will be ok and this is what I want to focus on!

Days come and go, and as each day flies by, I feel as if time is just spinning around in circles. Same stuff different day. Hmmm that’s been the story of my life.

BUT For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan of action and no game plan. That’s weird to me as I have always had a plan for my life. Well there is a first time for everything. -Right? This is me being open for new things and changes that might be very uncomfortable but necessary.

Have you ever been so driven that the rest of reality has just disappeared?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned through the abuse I endured and every situation that has made me grow. During that period I was a victim as I did not understand why I had to endure such pain through my childhood and during my life’s journey.

When does one person decide to let go of the anger, hurt and shame?

When they are sick of it controlling them? or
Their tired of feeling a certain way?

I believe the path of why I experienced what I did, is part of a greater purpose in life.

In every situation as you deem “bad” look for the ways in which was “good” “you grew”

WTF!? Look for the good Shhya right! You’re crazy. That’s what I would’ve said but now that much time has passed from my experiences and I understand the art of letting go…. I see things in a different perspective.

We all have games we play with ourselves…. It’s what I call the “Mental Mind Fuck” It clenches onto the thoughts of your desires and cravings.

Who is going to win?

Your desire to change? OR
Your Mental Mind Fuck?

I say look at what you have gained from your experiences. Focus on the good and forget the bad.

Maybe you’ve heard it before…. BUT You can’t change what has already happened but you can certainly get up and keep going.

Seeing with new EYES!

Walking along yesterday and again today.....I see salmon berries along the way. Yummy! Of course I ate them but it made me realize how abundant our mother earth really is. Berries for us to eat... There are things that just grow, and without any watering from us or fertilizer. Nature takes care of that. "The flow of life" What this means to me right now is....the over abundant amount of weeds I'm pulling out of our yard. Quite a chore but after Breakthroughs, I understand to work on things a little bit at a time. Not push myself to bust my ass all day on a project. Just this morning after my walk I watered my flowers and admired the work that Tyler and I did. Our reward.... Wild Waves today all day until they close! Not all work and NO play. Have a little of both. So here I am blogging from Wild Waves and sharing my thoughts and eye opening experiences. I am truly blessed and thankful for our Cancun trip to yet the second Breakthroughs conference. I was educated further on my diet that will be more beneficial for us as a family but most importantly, the self realizations I got about myself. They say when you're ready you will see. That expression of seeing with new eyes is true. Now for me the challenge is breaking free from those old conditioned habits and creating new ones. Today as I was walking I realized that I see with my eyes and think with my head but I'm not sure what it means to feel with my heart. My feelings are a flip of a switch I feel and most of the time I feel cold and snappy. Why? The most important question is.... How do I change that? Today I asked myself what does FUN feel like and I went straight to my head. NO NO NO my friend, that is the biggest thing I've learned about myself. GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Well most you who know me, know that I am gearing up to fly to Sedona for a spiritual healing retreat. I'm super excited about this as I truly want to shed off the excess baggage that hinders me. I feel that some of what I what to fell is buried with old feelings that have attachment to the past, maybe past life regressions. I don't know the answer to that but I do know that I am open for anything right now. I truly want to be saved from myself. Allowing and letting go. Well it's beautiful outside and I want to go play on the rides and the slides. Have a spectacular day.... Kim www.havegratitude.com

Feeling like a victim & I’m thankful for my awareness

In my lifetime I have been diagnosed with OCD, Bi polar, Anxiety and Depression. I’m supposed to take prescription medication but I have been able to manage myself up until now for some reason. The other day I realized that I’m telling myself over and over again that I have “those” things wrong with me and that is my excuse for my behaviors. -My mind is like a crazed lunatic running around in circles. There is no rhyme or reason within my brain and I truly want to change the cluttered noise!

Getting centered is my main focus.

I feel that I have an over abundance in responsibilities and my husband is going to take some of those off of my hands and lighten my load. That will be a big blessing.

Not too long ago I was a strong person in that… nothing stood in my way. I had a vision. I am still that person however, since my experience in Personal Development and my emotional breakthroughs of allowing the baggage to come up… I have reverted back to a lost and confused child. It’s like I’m young again in my head but my body remained the same. Who I once was and how I feel now, are like opposite ends of the spectrum. So I’m a young child in my mind that has an immense amount of responsibility because I’m really 32. I can no longer handle all those responsibility until I purge some of this emotional crap! There are in securities that came up and a sense of feeling lost and confused.

So I’m Getting centered…. To me that means meditating and getting in touch with who Kim is on the inside. -My energy! I know that without a doubt we are all connected through energy. I feel as if I’m no longer connected with myself. If I’m not connected with myself… how can I be connected with everything else??? I know that I never got the education of personal development in school back when I grew up… so how did I find the education? Honestly I realized awhile ago that I have been living my life and educating myself through those experiences. -Instead of saying why me? I now see it as what the hell was I supposed to learn this time? Sometimes it takes awhile before I understand what I was supposed to learn. Those sometimes can be the “HARD” way. At this point of my life, I believe I have the challenge that is going to be the icing on the cake in understanding of my “TRUE” power. I will honestly say that in my power that I saw not too long ago… I was faking it but it was with good intentions…. Raise my 2 boys, buy a house, no CC debt basically it was all about money. Now since I’ve released a bunch of SHIT! I must create the bridge of connecting to my truest power from within my heart. Cuz your heart is how I should live life, not by thinking my way through life. (I’ve done that my whole life) Feeling is something new that I’m realizing I never truly had. I believe that I have come to a cross roads. I believe that some true time to “ME’ is needed. Thank you to my husband Tom who is patient and understanding.