On my mind

Work is winding down. Month-end is coming up next week, but for the most part, it's settling down. There is so much going on with my employer. Question is... how long will the doors stay open? If the owner continues to spend more than he is bringing in... it's questionable! Things are very tight, well... drowning in payables, that we do not have the funds to pay. I hope the owner's "plan" works out for him. Honestly, I'm running out of projects, and starting to get bored. In a few week's I'll start working remotely more and more as I continue this cancer treatment. Probably make some weekend visits and start getting the personal stuff from my office to bring home. Now that we are finally "nesting" -Can' wait to see how things will look once were settled.

Radiologist Oncologist said that what I eat now, will have no effect on anything. So, I gave myself permission. Still eating healthy, not splurging out of control, but I totally bought some junk yesterday. Cookies, ice cream and some cinnamon bears to share with J. Have a bit of guilt, but, not really! He shared with me that some people... eat a bag of chips and a 2liter of soda for breakfast. That is crazy to me... I cannot even imagine... I would be SOOOOOO sick! 

Mom is coming. Happy that "someone" is there to help get the weeds out of the landscaping. I've been able to get "some" done, but there is far more that needs to be. Honestly, I'm just taking things day by day and trying to stay out of my head as to the future "me" when I'm undergoing cancer treatment. Bottom line, is that... I have to eat and stay hydrated. Daily walks would be good for me, and probably the dogs too. -Cheers to staying healthy and very functional during treatment. Baby steps!

Excited for the upcoming trip to WA. Connect with my dad and see CJ if he is available. Not to mention, all the yummy places we are going to go and eat. Reminisce and see if it still tastes just as delicious as before. 

Just checking in for today. Stay grateful and fill your day with JOY!

Stop the mental mind fuck… NOW!

For too many weeks now, I have been giving into my mental mind fuck. Yup, that’s right, it’s been just a bunch of gibberish that has allowed me to make very bad decisions with food.

Am I screwed up mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Mentally, yes, lately. Totally eating my feelings

Physically, well, sort of… since I’ve allowed my mind to win over control of things, I’ve gained some weight. Progress out the door and down the street. LOL

Emotionally, yeah, I have my moments and sometimes days, but this time… it’s been weeks!

After having a blow out with Jason on Friday and I must say that in 11 years, this is our 3^rd one… I realized that I am allowing this to happen and then I’m making an excuse for it. The shitty part of this has been that I allowed myself to be okay with it. Yaa, no more!

Why did I allow this? Well here goes my rant, so that I can get it off my mind!

We decided to move to Asheville, I accepted a great position back in September and moved out of my home to start work here in NC. Yup I rented a space here while Jason lived in FL. I travel back and forth by car because the company I work for due to COVID had a no-travel policy without quarantining. No big deal, but after 4 months, it got old, fast! Finally, I started flying and Jason made a few trips up here by truck so he could tow a U-Haul to move some of the small stuff out of the way before we made the final move when we sold our home. Oh yeah, that was back in April, and we moved out by May 31^st. We have been in an Airbnb since June 1. Moved to another one as of last week and must move into another one next week. WHEN IS MY HOUSE GOING TO BE FINISHED? The builder states that all should be finalized by end of the month, so we are at the finish line.

The point of today was to recognize my mental mind fuck taking over, it started gradual, but eventually consumed me. Yes, I allowed it, but the time has come when enough is enough.

Getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.

Thank you for the awareness and the mindset -reset!

Opened my eyes!

Boy, am I upset today! Mostly at myself, but really, I am going to take a second and be grateful to be aware of this situation and my feelings around it.

I really love the company that I work for, their mission statement is as congruent as you can get to one’s own.  I truly am grateful to have found this job and to be employed during these times. But today was an eye-opening experience that will truly change how I view my work structure.

I have always given 110% at whatever I do. Yeah, I may get tired at times, but will always do whatever it takes to do a job well done! At most places I’ve worked, there has been some flexibility due to my work habits and it was always an ebb and flow understanding.

Not today, I voiced that I’d like to leave ½ day this Friday because I’m headed home and it’s a 12-hour drive. I had a doctor’s appointment and wanted to leave earlier in the day and utilize some of my sick time. The answer, no. I can use my sick time to travel to/from and the time while I’m at my doctor’s appointment, but the time that I am not at the docs, I must use vacation. What a load of shit! Flexibility that was agreed upon when I took the job was obviously just words! I am extremely upset about this situation. Goes to show, the relevance of being self-employed, more ammunition to make this a reality for myself!

I can see now that this is a one-sided agreement. Gratefulness to learning early on in this workspace, that I will only work my scheduled hours, no more, no less. I will give you everything as I already do, but working anymore than 40 hours a week, will NEVER happen again!

I am pist off about this! Call me a child, but I moved here to have a hang loose less stressful life, and I will NOT allow my job to rule my life! If this job requires me to work more than 40 hours, than it is no longer the job for me. I will give notice and move on! -Okay that was my rant for the day. Moving on! -NEXT.

Tomorrow will be a better day!

Negative Nelly

I have realized that I have slipped into some very old patterns and have become very negative in my lifestyle “on most days” –AGAIN!

My saving grace is that awareness is key and knowledge is power but my question is… how did I arrive here again and why?

I am very fortunate to be where I am in my life. I can’t complain about where I am, but for some reason I let life get the best of me sometimes. I will admit that I do have some very good days and consciously I’m making a valiant effort in making the necessary changes to bring myself back to center. BUT I am having a challenging time finding the strength and power to make that happen. Maybe, no honestly I’m not there yet to make that change but I know deep in my heart that it’s there bubbling to the surface! –It’s coming!!!! 

I can honestly say that both my kids are doing very well, life is good, just bought a new car (love it), I have a roof over my head, great man in my life, great roommates, great dog in my life, good job, and I could keep going but honestly I’m at work and I can stray from what I really want to blog about.

For now…

My #1 why would be my job: I love my job don’t get me wrong, and I am very fortunate to have found this job, but I have a boss who is “I swear” Bi-polar. (I’m bipolar, so I can recognize the symptoms) One day he makes a decision and other days he retracts his decision. He can give you 3 different answers to your one question. He stands in the way of his staff, okay maybe only me… of doing my job. He is against laws and will cut corners and do what he wants anyways. He needs to be recognized and have the spot light on himself, as he loves the attention. I see that everyone in my office kisses his ass; no way, not me! I’m not an ass kisser nor will I ever choose to be one. Honestly, he does have a super big heart and truly has compassion for people but in all reality, he needs to let the people he hires to do their jobs. We are here to make him more successful and protect him from any kind of harm. Not to mention my job works me hard and with high expectations. When I first arrived here last year, I was gung-ho and now with so many road blocks and shut-outs, I’ve lost my spark for this company. Frankly, I just do my job and am no longer interested in going above the call of duty. I guess that comes with the territory but finding the balance will assist with the craziness!

My#2 is my relationship: some days I feel like I’d rather be alone in my life on my terms again. I miss that! Maybe just maybe if I branch out and make more friends and DO more, I feel that this may change. Right now I’m feeling like I came out of a very dramatic relationship, and jumped into another relationship without much time to really complete my time to get to know myself on a deeper level. Again, I need more balance. 

My#3 is my home: I HATE renting! I have the money for a house but cannot seem to find the right fit. I’m rushing it! I need to s-l-o-w down and trust the process and just know that the right house is coming around the bend for me. Also my landlords are assholes!!!!!!!!! -with a capitol “A” The yard isn’t a good fit for my 4 legged baby, and no dog door! The garage is too small and my truck doesn’t fit by 2 inches. Grrrrrr!

I live in sunny Florida, and I love it here and I don’t want to keep ranting but to me, this is a good start to the answers of my questions. I will keep pondering this question and equivocally the answers will arrive in their own timing. Trust the process, use the knowledge of knowing, and trust that you have the power to change all that is.

In Awe

Just recently I went on a road trip to meet and camp with some friends east of the mountains… all that really stands out for me on that trip, was that I enjoyed the drive more so than the weekend itself. It was cold at night over there. -6 degrees cold! Anyway~ on the drive there and back, I was admiring the vivid colors and all that mother earth provides for us. Not long ago those trees were once green but were now turning with the season, and nobody had to do a thing. It’s nature! Nature by definition means: OMG! It had so many meanings, but factually it means that naturally the earth flourishes without human civilization’s help. It really makes me think about GOD and the universe, and amazingly how everything we truly need is provided for us. The earth is so abundant! I am so happy and grateful that I do not allow myself to fall into the trap of socialism, materialism and any other isms for that matter. The ability to be able to slow down and see the simple things in life are very important to me. I do enjoy the nicer things and they would be nice but life is more important to me. I love to feel and love my way through life.

Still Learning...

A long time ago I know that I’ve blogged about true happiness coming from the inside. Yeah I blogged it and truthfully I understood the concept but, I never truly understood how to apply it in my life. -A true understanding at a deeper level.

In life there is so much of society, the corporate big guys and politicians that want you to be distracted with materialism, socialism, politics and societies crap. To the point that your so distracted from truly being alone in yourself. WOW! Alone……

Not too long ago I was in a marriage that I felt so alone in. No love, no communication, no compassion or life inside of me. U C I was dead inside. In every situation there is also the polar opposite, so when that cycle was finally broken I woke up. I woke up to life and happiness and the joy of feeling with my heart.

I have been doing a lot of expanding my mind, discovering my heart and learning to feel from a place inside my heart vs. inside of my mind and…. What I’ve learned is that I must be alone and be happy with myself as a being, instead of finding my happiness from being with others. –Friends, Family…etc. I could say I knew that… But DB once taught me that… “I know that” is from an ego’s perspective. I am making some changes in my life and I am only taking an hour away for me.

Going into the inside of a place so deep…. “Meditation” When you drift… a feeling of happiness…perhaps a place of song and water… feel the warmth of the sun… and the wind drifting the fragrance of flowers… but for me, my mind races when I shut my eyes. I believe there are more memories deeply hidden….

Probably right, there might be, but I believe that my mind is playing a game with me…. It wants me to believe that deep down is more hurt and pain suffered from my past… and I feel that for me, I FEEL as if I have just been given me a clue towards the path in which I am at a crossroads in life.

Today, I feel that my mind is keeping me so busy that in reading a book by OSHO, I realized that it’s challenging for my body to keep up with my minds tasks and something has to give…. Who’s in charge here? .....I am!

Meditation is the deeper connection to your own capabilities in life. I’m living in blissfulness and love and why? Because it FEELS right!

I am truly blessed for all that is in my life. “Every bad situation has something good in it too…” “Polar opposites” Balance of this planet works, It’s scientific and I am blessed by just being here to write to myself, yet share it with others.

Always sharing my vulnerable thoughts for others; that is my way of sharing the courage of one’s own personal power that come s from going deep within yourself.

I am grateful for where I am right now and for the things and people who have come into my life.

Get outta my way... I'm on a mission!

Today I’m feeling as if everything is ok still. This path feels like a flow of energy that I’m amongst. I fell today and all I can say is, I’m glad it’s my left foot. Thankful for that one, it coulda been my gas pedal foot. At least I can drive to where I gotta go. I feel happy and content today. I just wanted to share that, my friends came over for dinner today. To be in good stimulating company is a change in pace. I almost forgot that I really love to converse with people. All these things that I knew existed at one time of my life is coming back! I feel as if I’m stronger than ever. Everyday I am manifesting money into my life and I’m here to celebrate that. I played with my dogs today and that felt great. I spilled the box of BB’s all over the floor while I was playing, and I laughed at myself. The change in pace is much nicer and calm. Here’s celebrating a new beginning. Next week I’m gonna go to Seattle for a few days and start looking for work. I’m gonna stay with my cousins I think? Excited to try something different in life; something I love and want to do….. Dance! Lots to do on my mission…. I will check back in a few days.