Sharing my JOURNEY....

Friday, December 19, 2014

Reflections



Man oh man, have I been busy this past year. I truly wanted to start blogging more often so I could express those thoughts that are inside my heart and mind but… okay making the time hasn’t been a priority for me. I have had other things that have come up and have been more on the forefront of my priorities. I thought about therapy to assist me in “getting off my chest” but again the time to “GO” find a new therapist… I’m not sure if I’m to that point yet. Self-managing is going well so far. Thank you for Network care in teaching me the ways to “help myself” 

Most of my frustrations are from my job --Just last month (okay it really happens every month at least once) where I wanted to quit my job --strangle my boss, he can be such a pill and VERY indecisive with his directions. Can anyone say “Bipolar” -Very challenging for me to understand what it is he wants, and in those cases, I ask… if I still don’t receive a clear answer, I proceed forward with my interpretation and cross my fingers. Honestly this up and down roller coaster is wearing on me and I’m not sure if I will be able to take this for much longer… still trying but the name calling and yelling that happens with the explosive behavior is not easy to ignore. To me this calling out on my congruency and “me” keeping those lines strong about how I want to others to treat me; frankly, how I deserve to be treated. The knocking is getting louder and I’m starting to get annoyed! –Okay enough of the negativity. I want to talk about the highlights.

This year has been a whirlwind! Finally sold my house and grateful that I had it for just under 2 years and still managed to make a profit. –Thank you.

During this move to Florida, I’ve learned… when you live in a city that has a large(r) population and not a whole lot of “new” building going on, the FIGHT for houses can be a bit cut throat. In the tireless search for a new home to set some roots here in Florida, I finally found a home. Wasn’t ideal when I found it but I have gutted the entire house and started over. It is just how I want it, and will be perfect!  It was a foreclosure; originally a 4 bedroom, 2 bath, canal view and bonus it has a pool. But after the revamping of the floor plan, this house is now a completely open concept with 3 bedrooms, 3 bath. I had some frustrations during this project, and honestly it still isn’t finished (hoping to move in by Jan 2015) but I have had fun designing the new floor plan, picking colors, choosing granite, designing a new kitchen, choosing new windows, and doors… creating a place I can call home. The good news is that it has been brought up to wind mitigation and can handle the impact of a very strong hurricane. Those decisions to upgrade put me way over budget, but knowing that I will be safe, is peace to me, and worth it.

After the BIG life lesson I received from my 3rd marriage --divorce back in 2008/2009, I have been in a lull, still am, but I can honestly feel that I’m starting to pull up and aim for the infinite abundant riches in life. (Not monetary but a true richness in life) It’s about time I move on and get back to “MY” core. I have been so deep in the automatic-ness of living life and just running through the motions that I can’t stand myself anymore. The saying is “love yourself and where you are “right now”” So, I am. 

Truthfully my justification is that I have had so many changes in my life… never really settling… honestly not really giving myself the opportunity. The biggest gift (things became clear to me) I gave myself after my trip to Sedona, AZ was to quit my pointless job at DVF and take a year off to really get down and dirty with myself. That experience gave me a taste of what life “should” be… not that what I have been living isn’t right. It was right! But that time gave me a taste of how life can really be! -How life can be fuller. Full of love, compassion, empathy, and the ability to share our gifts and receive those gifts from others. Wholeheartedly be grateful. Everything in life is an experience; how you choose to act is the direction it will go in. Law of attraction will bring back what you give.

Bottom line of this post is that I am happy that I have had the experience of time to better understand what speaks to me. I’m tired of running, not away, but keeping myself BUSY! My mother was right when she said “Kim, your life isn’t whole unless you have some sort of chaos going on” I no longer want that to be my truth. I want a different experience, and I will make that happen!
I know that I’ve posted on a few occasions that I need to slow down but this is where the rubber hits the road for me. It’s time for change and, for once I feel that it’s gravitating in that direction.
Grateful for everything in my life!

Here’s to the New Year and many more blessings and experiences to teach me or shall I say give me the opportunity to learn more and share more... and to making the commitment to blogging more.

Blessing to you and yours in the New Year!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Negative Nelly


I have realized that I have slipped into some very old patterns and have become very negative in my lifestyle “on most days” –AGAIN!

My saving grace is that awareness is key and knowledge is power but my question is… how did I arrive here again and why?

I am very fortunate to be where I am in my life. I can’t complain about where I am, but for some reason I let life get the best of me sometimes. I will admit that I do have some very good days and consciously I’m making a valiant effort in making the necessary changes to bring myself back to center. BUT I am having a challenging time finding the strength and power to make that happen. Maybe, no honestly I’m not there yet to make that change but I know deep in my heart that it’s there bubbling to the surface! –It’s coming!!!! 

I can honestly say that both my kids are doing very well, life is good, just bought a new car (love it), I have a roof over my head, great man in my life, great roommates, great dog in my life, good job, and I could keep going but honestly I’m at work and I can stray from what I really want to blog about.
For now…

My #1 why would be my job: I love my job don’t get me wrong, and I am very fortunate to have found this job, but I have a boss who is “I swear” Bi-polar. (I’m bipolar, so I can recognize the symptoms) One day he makes a decision and other days he retracts his decision. He can give you 3 different answers to your one question. He stands in the way of his staff, okay maybe only me… of doing my job. He is against laws and will cut corners and do what he wants anyways. He needs to be recognized and have the spot light on himself, as he loves the attention. I see that everyone in my office kisses his ass; no way, not me! I’m not an ass kisser nor will I ever choose to be one. Honestly, he does have a super big heart and truly has compassion for people but in all reality, he needs to let the people he hires to do their jobs. We are here to make him more successful and protect him from any kind of harm. Not to mention my job works me hard and with high expectations. When I first arrived here last year, I was gung-ho and now with so many road blocks and shut-outs, I’ve lost my spark for this company. Frankly, I just do my job and am no longer interested in going above the call of duty. I guess that comes with the territory but finding the balance will assist with the craziness!

My#2 is my relationship: some days I feel like I’d rather be alone in my life on my terms again. I miss that! Maybe just maybe if I branch out and make more friends and DO more, I feel that this may change. Right now I’m feeling like I came out of a very dramatic relationship, and jumped into another relationship without much time to really complete my time to get to know myself on a deeper level. Again, I need more balance. 

My#3 is my home: I HATE renting! I have the money for a house but cannot seem to find the right fit. I’m rushing it! I need to s-l-o-w down and trust the process and just know that the right house is coming around the bend for me. Also my landlords are assholes!!!!!!!!! -with a capitol “A” The yard isn’t a good fit for my 4 legged baby, and no dog door! The garage is too small and my truck doesn’t fit by 2 inches. Grrrrrr!

I live in sunny Florida, and I love it here and I don’t want to keep ranting but to me, this is a good start to the answers of my questions. I will keep pondering this question and equivocally the answers will arrive in their own timing. Trust the process, use the knowledge of knowing, and trust that you have the power to change all that is.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Adapting to your environment


It’s amazing to me how humankind with such a diversity of amazing gifts can sometimes sabotage their own personal growth unintentionally and unconsciously. 

In this ever evolving roller coaster of life, we can either learn to adapt or fight it. What do you choose? Me personally, I can remember a time when I used to fight it. Until… at some point in life I finally came to the realization that things change for a reason. Back then I would think… why fix it, if it’s not broken? -It’s comfortable right. But what really is our comfort zone?



I realize (from experience) that change is uncomfortable and very challenging but for the most part, it’s easier said than done but... change is where the stretching and growth occurs.

Do you wish to stay where you are, or do you want to grow and stretch?

This topic can go in so many directions, but the one thing I want to bring home is how nature no matter how bad things may get or how good things are… it ALWAYS adapts.

This is an amazing example!
Think of a river that flows ever so greatly… then all of a sudden something dramatic happens and something creates a blockage of the flow of the water. Does the water stomp and kick and throw a tantrum? Does the flow of water recruit to remove the blockage? No, it just adapts to the new changes and find another way to continue the flow of water.
 
The challenge question I have for you is how well do you adapt to changes in your life?

I hope that this scenario will assist you to have a better understanding of adapting to changes, and that change is a challenge, but in the end I hope you see that it will be TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Saturday, June 7, 2014

That magical number


When I was younger, it was never my intentions of having children. But the powers that be, had a different path for me… sort of a detour per say. AND in looking back, I realized that I’ve lived a life of scheduled craziness; mother hood and finding the balance between career, kids, social life and death. IT has been worth all the hard work, but now, it’s time for me and my career. It’s time for me… and my dog MIA. I thought it would feel amazing… my boys out living on their own terms, me turning 38; that magical number feels no different.  Lately, I have become aware of the things that challenge me. Finding the balance in my life has been brought up too. Actually… top priority. Now that both my boys are gone… Goodness they are 18 and 21. How amazing is that? I don’t feel old enough to have kids that age, but the truth is, I am. Simply amazing!
 
But to stay on track here, I MUST STAY FOCUSED. Find the balance. Peace, Protection, Harmony, Gratitude, Wealth, Love and Life. The truth will always keep your conscience clear. I feel so at peace today. In harmony! Tomorrow isn’t only my birthday, it, marks a significant life altering decision to once and for all… stomp out the old habits. -for good. Time to create new ones. Tomorrow is a new day... the line has been drawn in the sand. -Time to SRI. -For sure Stage 1. 

#1 Focus is for me… to make time for me. -First and foremost. I’m a workaholic. I’ve realized that my inner core needs some things to change too. 

I feel like my last relationship was a major bump… aaaaaa pot hole in my focus, and I’ve just now figured it out. -after the fact.BUT I am doing the things that are healthy for me; get back to those habits that benefit and serve a purpose. Essentially I’ve detoured away from getting down deep and dirty with my inner “crap” 

Happy to see with new eyes, now there’s no hiding. I can get “real” with myself and my inner world. Outer world… I have so many things to be grateful for… and I am. BUT my inner world feels a bit disconnected. It’s nice to create space and time. All I gotta say is… Lay down flat, breathe in through your nose and out of your mouth. Really get in touch with Stage 1 and get connected! And for me, it’s getting connected again. But just a little deeper. AGAIN!   

Sometimes steps back to see, can be an eye opening experience. -a different perspective.

Thank you to the “reset” button, awareness, gratitude, patience, strength, friends, love and laughter.