Panic Attacks

I've never had one in my life! It’s becoming a daily thing! I feel things escalating! OMG it felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. I had to literally self-talk and ground to my heart chakra to just get past the feeling. WTF!  

In talking with Brian, he explained that when we were doing some energy work, he feels/sees… that when I slow down, there will be wisdom that is shared. The vision of what is trying to come through. I’ve been feeling it for months now; I know it’s there.

I move at mach speed, and I’m not slowing down. He is not wrong. I do move, work and talk rather quickly. Too quick for most people to keep up with. I’ve tried to slow down, but I just fuck things up. So, I don’t try anymore. It was who I was, and it served me well. Just not anymore! I’m sure at times, it may ring through, but I’m being called to change.

BELIEVE ME… I’m READY TO SLOW DOWN. My spirit is calling me too, hence my earlier blogs in sharing I’m ready to slow down. SOOOO READY! I feel it! It is resonating at a high vibrational level and by not honoring it… I feel that is why I am now getting panic attacks!

He shared that when I can get myself to slow down, I will honor my spirit and meet the changes that are trying to come through. I know there is wisdom in the stillness that is trying to break through. I feel spirit trying to expand, but this mach speed that I constantly am in will not allow things to unfold. Not yet! -I’m so close!

Please allow me to slow down. I will continue to honor my commitments but need to start making this shift. NOW, not later! I feel that if I don’t make a shift in how I DO things, there will be heavy consequences. I’m listening, I promise! Please to the great divine, allow me some time and space. I am at the finish line with things. I promise I’m listening, I feel you! I’m aware, and yes, it is very painful!!

Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

Why am I so scared?

Let's be honest! It scares the hell out of me!

I feel that for decades. Really since 1996, I have been working my ass of to be successful. Honestly, I am very successful. Sure I'm not a CFO or a President of a company, but I have the ability and the experience to get there if I really wanted too. But I don't! Not anymore!

If I explore more into what my heart and soul desires, I feel that I would not be utilizing all the things I have sowed for the past few decades. I would feel that I have been wasting my time. I HATE wasting my time. It's too precious to whittle away. 

As I'm writing my thoughts into words, I hear myself thinking... but it's the journey that you needed to experience to get you here today. In those little things, sometimes BIG... it is with every experience that has brought you closer to discovery and renewed perspective. Thank you to network care and genius frequency for providing me the tools that I have in my life in allowing me to be more open. I am now starting, okay let's be honest. I've been asking for years as I know deep down that THIS life is not what I want. I just haven't been to that part of my soul to understand that seeking that part of me is more important than what I'm doing right now. 

Cheers to self discovery and the upcoming experiences while I start the process of exploration.

Opening my eyes

I expressed how much I didn't want to allow it to happen, and out of nowhere, I realized how it's starting to creep up on me. It meaning... don't allow the all or nothing to creep back in. Keep balance!

  

Today made me realize that I need to step back, take a deep breathe, and regroup. Stop "trying" to be super woman. Let's face it, I'm a fixer. I gave it a valiant effort, but am quickly realizing that the cycle is starting to begin again. Ahhhhh Nooooooo  

What gets my blood pumping is when someone informs me as to one thing, and the situation turns out to be something different. Therefore the repercussions are that I'm drowning! Super drowning! I feel as if the hole just gets deeper and deeper and the light becomes a tunnel that is becoming darker and smaller. I feel as if I can't breathe or even relax without figuring it out!  

I signed on to this project, and by the grace of GOD... I am going to make this happen. --Good News! I think I have a solution. Bottom line is that I require help.  

When I was working in Miami, somehow I made it work. Let's be honest... I was running all the time, but I made it work.  When I took that time off, I realized the importance of having balance. It felt really nice to fit it all in without compromising what was important to me. With the new job, it's about finding my rhythm again. Here we go... shifting! 

What I love about today... I realized the very moment that I started to compromise myself. Usually, it's weeks, months before I really see what is happening, and to flip the switch back is more challenging. Thank you for that realization!

So here's to finding my rhythm, finding balance, and not compromising the things that are a positive asset to me and my lifestyle.