So just go fucking do it!

I’m addicted! I’m in love and I’m stuck all at the same time!

My husband likes to watch TV and play games on his phone all the time! I can see that these are the things he needs to have balance, for him. At least, for me… I feel that is what he tells himself. You know how that goes… what you tell yourself is true! >>> Don’t get me wrong, he works hard at work and at home. He is such a good man and does everything that I ask of him without complaining! He does voice his opinion, but in the end, he does everything he can to make me happy. I am happy! Kind of. I find myself gravitating to just be near him all the time. My mind, body and soul are addicted to being with him, all the time.

But that is not me. What happened to me? How did this behavior sneak in. In my mind it is so LAZY! Let’s be accountable here! I have allowed the change to take place where I now get stuck in TV; binge watching “shit”. It is such a waste of time. I know this does not feed my soul and is not a healthy lifestyle.  I am working on trying to break the cycle.

Creating space for myself and breaking the energy has been challenging, but hearing and torturing myself in knowing that is not what I want any more is burning this deep desire to break away.

I am afraid that IF I do this, we may not be as close. I don’t want to be one of these couples who divorced or have space between us, we will not/cannot connect anymore. We already have our problems as is. I’m just afraid that this will be the straw. I’m tired of being the glue in my relationships. It’s time that I put self-love back in the spotlight and let the cards fall as they may.

To the great divine, please hear my heart’s desire and bring me peace and the strength to know that I must trust the process and care only for myself first and foremost. I am grateful for the wisdom to know that in my decision to love and care for myself I will be the guidance for others, if they so choose... to follow.

Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

I am so in love with him!

Boy, oh boy… do I love my husband with all my heart and soul!!!

I thought Chase had my heart, and he did, but when he died, a BIG piece of me died with him! AND for so many years I struggled with many failed relationships… no, not failed, just more experience in fine tuning to finding my true soulmate.

I am so grateful for our paths crossing. Never in the timing that I would’ve predicted in a million years, but grateful that it did. Despite our many roadblocks and challenges, we forged forward.

What can I say. He makes me smile and laugh almost every day, and we are such a good team. Yin and yang for sure! AND even after 15 years we still mesh yet continue to discover more about “us”.

His self-discovery and growth have been amazing to watch! I am so in love and so proud of him. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us! Honestly, I cannot wait until retirement, when I no longer “HAVE” to share him with “work” and we get to start traveling more intensely! I loved you then, now and forever!

I QUIT!

So, I did it. I quit my job! 

Well, truth be told, I just discovered that we are going to be undergoing another HRIS migration. Ugh! I just did this last year with a 1/1/25 live date! Therefore I agreed to stay on until they are on the other side of this migration. That is scheduled for a 11/1/25 live date, so what are a few more months. 

In the meantime, I have set some clear boundaries for myself. 

1. Work my schedule and keep the excess tasks out of my personal time. I just cannot allow those boundaries to get blurred, again! >>> I’m burnt out, so the transition of compartmentalizing will be easier to maintain. 
2. Ensure that I don’t waver on my decision. Stay strong, for me!
3. Stay engaged with my job as I need to give everything my full attention, while I am still there. 

Rinse and Repeat

I found myself criticizing myself on repeating behaviors that I KNOW I’ve mentioned before. I dare say that I’ve probably mentioned it a FEW times. So, I thought WTF why, do I keep allowing myself to fall victim of this behavior again. Then I realized I needed to stop beating myself up! Just acknowledge the behavior, forgive yourself and then move on.

I cannot help myself; I keep finding myself gravitating to wanting to understand why I keep getting back here. AGAIN!!! Then it dawned on me. I’m changing and as I change, the “deep” old patterns find their way to slip in. BUT and this is a BIG ONE… I can recognize that my awareness of these patterns is happening quicker and that is due to my personal growth. Fuck you to the old patterns, I got you and I want to take a moment to recognize my growth. I also want to recognize that in time, these patterns will continue to fade and eventually be replaced with a new behavior. Thank you for opening my eyes sooner. Thank you for life’s lessons and thank you to me! I am so grateful!

In my mind a lot! It's been a minute for sure!

Yousers, since 2023. Okay that was a break. Been busy. I guess, too busy! It feels as if time is going at warp speed! It's been awhile and all I can provide today is a quick "happy" update. Things are still challenging at times. PFPT is over and now my shoulder is stuck. So stage 3. OMG!

Happy that I'm at the gym T-F and... out in the yard on weekends! I get up super early. I feel committed to my structure.  >> Most weekdays, I'm drained and too tired to be outside for a few hours. Work is all the drama in my world, right now. Bah, buuuut...

My yard is progressing along nicely. So many flowers. Weeds too, but I'm catching up. 

Juuust a quick update, still too busy to spend a moment writing. Hopping back into my head for a bit, I'm sure I'll surface, again! Feeling so happy in my world. -Thank you!

Not even a jar

The other day, I went to go open the jar of tea, and I shed a few tears trying to open it. I think I tried opening it 3 or 4 times before I finally got it open. Awakening moment of how weak certain parts of my body are. Although today I shoveled dirt, moved some small rocks, planted about 10 plants and helped with the fire. It's because I utilized my plant medicine to provide me a boost. I'm sure my muscles will feel that tomorrow!

I am ready to get in the pool a couple days a week, after work. Get my body back into shape. Slowly floating in my main element. I miss floating in the water!

New Job

Workplace dynamic is a must and I feel that I've bounced around. I've made a few friends along the way, but ultimately never was satisfied with the people AND the job. Until now. I finally have landed at a company where I feel supported, It's keeping me busy; too busy. More than I would like, but I have an assistant who does a lot. A new job usually isn't because someone is retiring. I'm mostly there to "fix" something. I enjoy the challenge! Definitely see a difference in how long my energy lasts and having to slow down is a forceful situation at times. Naturally, my body let's me know if I am over doing it. 

Tired, but an improvement

Before, if I over did it, I would get severely sick. Don't move kinda sick. But now, it's more like... super, super tired! I say that's an improvement. Definitely slowing me down!

My plant teacher helps me eat better, but still barely eating. Definitely no large meals, unless I get the munchies.

Don’t do it!

I was given the opportunity to take all the time I needed to ensure that I was ultimately ready to go back to work. Amazingly still pinching myself, and grateful to have been chosen for this position.

I was very excited to start this new job but scared at the same time. My energy is still not 100%, it’s barely 50%. The heat drains my energy like a tipped over glass of water pouring out rapidly and I wasn’t sure that I could make it a full day.

Honestly, one never goes into a new position because things are in order and all is well, unless you are the successor of the one who may be leaving and that is not the case with this job. Which is a-okay as coming in and fixing things is right in my wheelhouse, which I thoroughly enjoy! Nerve racking, but nonetheless, love it!

I came into the first day with a plan, and that quickly was tarnished as I began to discover just how bad things are in the office. As the days continued, the plan evolved, but was muddled with all the inefficiencies and inorganization lingering over my office. My only solution was to come into the office on a day that I could have uninterrupted time to get through all the papers in the office. I needed things to get organized, right now. So, I planned to come in on Saturday to make this a reality.

Here’s the caveat, do not allow the new job to get you back to the hustle and bustle of being busy!

Do not allow the new job to take over your life!

Do not give, give, give without having the balance of keeping things slow and steady.

Awareness to ensure that I take things slow! -Thank you!

Cancer made me!

How does a person go from doing, to being? AND what does that even look like? I thought, so I am going to have to change who I am to the core? WTF. How else would I go from doing to being?

So lost, but in allowing that question to unfold, without taking any action, I soon realized that I don’t have to CHANGE everything about myself or who I am. I feel that a shift would allow me to still be me, openly be the change that is needed to be.

I realized that I could slowly do the things that need to be done without rushing or placing any imagined deadlines upon myself. What a shift that has made in how I am approaching things.

I am so grateful for allowing myself the time and space when asking, questioning, and seeking the changes I want to start making.

I am so grateful for the cancer that has MADE me stop in my tracks. I’d been asking for life to slow down, but never ACTUALLY doing anything about it, so the universe made that happen for me!

I am stubborn and never really put me first. This experience has changed my perspective. Thank you for life’s little, sometimes BIG gifts! I appreciate the renewed awareness of what needs to be.

Surrendering

It is amazing to me that I am continuing to fight with myself. Surrendering to not having the energy to be myself and do the things that I'd like to do. Mostly outside, working in my yard, but nonetheless. Stopped in my tracks!

Does this mean that there must be a "new" me? I must surrender to the old ways of living my life to realigning to the new me? New me? What does that mean? No matter what is happening... I feel the shift happening within my soul and now, more than ever... I am ready for it!

My entire life, I have had to be on survival mode. Yes, that's right... as child to survive my parents neglect & abuse, as a teenager to survive leaving home and make it on my own, and so and so on. I won't get into that as that is not what I want to talk about. For me, that meant... always living my life through the masculinity and staying tough to survive. Not feeling like a victim of it, just recognizing the necessity of not living my life through my femininity. 

Just recently, even though I've have had discussions before with Brian... he reminded me again that... My entire life, I've lived through my masculinity, but the conscious shift has organically been happening within my soul in shifting to living my life through femininity. I don't understand what that feels like or what that even means. 

During my last session, I asked Brian. He helped my understand that masculinity is doing and femininity is feeling. What an ah ha moment!!!

Over the past few years, I have been feeling the shift of doing things that "feel" good vs just being a good soldier and do what I'm told without challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm still "doing", but definitely feeling has been more in the forefront of all my decisions. 

So grateful for the teachers in my life and the openness in allowing the messages to be received. Thank you!

Replenishing my body

Weeks leading up to my cancer treatment, my doctors advised that I needed to stop all my vitamins. It was described as the best policy to ensure that the cancer treatment would be the only thing running through my body with no interference. Okay, trusting the doctors to know best. I followed their instructions. 

A week into treatment, my hot  flashes returned and they were fierce. I was able to get permission to start taking the herbs for those symptoms. Thank goodness! I was miserable!

Here we are, post cancer treatment. My flora is so messed up, along with my anemia! I am so happy that this is week one of getting back on my vitamins and getting back on a probiotic to get my body back in balance. Thank you for the cancer treatment in ridding the toxic parts that need to be evicted, but so grateful that, things are now in my rear view. I am so happy to be feeling like I am turning the corner in my health. 

Super focused on health and cannot wait to get back to the gym! I am SOOOOO ready, but my body is not. Not yet, but when I am... watch out, I am coming back hard. Not killing myself, but definitely challenging myself in order to build the muscle back.

Outside yesterday to play

My mom has officially made her way back home. That means that I have to do all the work now as Jason is out of town in Chicago until late Wednesday. 

I made it outside to do some watering in the early afternoon, it was hot! I only was outside for a short bit before returning back inside to cool down. But at about 6pm... I headed outside to start watering the newly planted plants. It was nice, not that hot; kinda cool, but lovely!

While I was able to water all the dapple willows, I made my way down to the lower end of the driveway and fixed the rocks where the dirt was starting to flow over into the driveway. I always have fun playing with my two favorite elements. Glad my energy is starting to see some gains.

So grateful for my mom!

I remember looking out my window in May, right after surgery and thinking... so many weeds outside, every where in my yard! AND I cannot even get out there since I just had this tumor removed. I will be able to get out there soon, but according to the doctors... during cancer treatment, I will lose my energy at some point. 

In June, I was able to get outside and help weed with my mom. I was still working FT in office and only could do anything on the weekends. I quickly discovered that I only had enough energy to work hard 1 day and the other weekend, day... I was not feeling well, or found that I had no energy. It was only a matter of weeks before I didn't have any energy to do much of anything, any day. Let alone, working out in my yard, pulling weeds, planting plants and fixing up the yard this season. 

All the credit goes to my mother who was outside, every day... by dawn; as it was the coolest part of the day. Sometimes before it was even light outside and would work outside using the shop "porch light" to use the wheel barrow to mix potting soil and dirt, modified for planting the new dapple willows. She is amazing! I am so grateful for her!

This was hard for me... letting someone else get out there and do that HARD work without me lifting a finger. I would feel so bad that I couldn't get out there to help her, but all the credit for my yard this year is to my mom. The yard is beautiful. Added a good chunk of plants, fixed other parts of the yard, but she did all the weeding. That is no easy feat... It's roughly almost 2 acres of hard work. 

I would try to bring her water outside, since it was so hot outside, but she was pretty good to come in and take breaks to cool down. But she would get out there in her boots, gloves and her sun hat. Amazing how much she did!

I also want to give credit to my kiddo, Tyler. He works a ton and despite his hard schedule, he still made the time to come out and help my mom. Jason too, but it meant the world to me that my son made time to come and help me! I love all of you guys, so, so much!!!

Thank you!

My skin is so angry with me. OMG!

So last week was a moment of reality that I had too much on my plate and that I could barely hang on too all of it. Not to mention the need to work remotely. So much has changed. I gave notice to leave my job.

Their policy is to separate, cut all ties... right away. To longer be attached to my employer... NICE! -relieved as I don't think I could've mustered energy to train, update and explain stuff. So I'm grateful. Brutal if I had to stay on, but a relief in finishing that chapter.  -How many chapters would be in a book of all my experiences?  -Now I'm curious!

Anywhoo... Doing what I need to do with sitz baths... better in my own bathroom. My rectum has like this ring of fire where the skin around my rectum is burnt/red/swollen and so angry with me! I am applying Vaseline to the dried out areas, but doing what is necessary in helping me find comfort during this experience has been a learning experience. Whoa!

Vicious Cyle

I absolutely hate that I am taking drugs for this cancer! Necessary, but still hate it!

I am in week 3 of this 6 week bout with the medicinal & radiation regimen and the vicious cycle has already begun. Chemo pills for the cancer, nausea meds so I can eat. Although, I still am not able to eat a lot of the foods I love. They just make me sick thinking about it, let alone smelling it. Fluconazole for the imbalanced flora and  now a new medicine for the UTI symptoms that are starting to arise. I haven't picked up this prescription, yet... but it is supposed to numb your bladder. OMG. 

Short term, short term, short term... this is what I keep saying to myself, but I HATE IT SOOOOOOOO much! 

Grateful for the modern medicine to eliminate this cancer, but not happy at the present moment. Trying to stay grateful and keep a positive open mind about this process. 

ANGRY!

Sunday I was outside digging up the bee balm from the yard as we are moving it to another part of the yard. As I was digging the new holes, I discovered a few areas that were a bit rocky that required a bigger tool that would cut through the rock. When I got to the last few holes, there was a section that I feel were just pure rock! Nonetheless that didn't stop me from continuing to try to dig the hole. I got through 2 and as I was swinging this tool into the third one, I felt the burning fire of anger, almost rage... go through my body, then tears broke through.

So ANGRY at this CANCER! Why me? Why now? I cannot understand, as I am SOOOOO careful of my body. Truthfully careless in my younger years through my early 30's, but the later part of my life. So picky of the things that I put into my body. Food, no western medicine, but definitely cannot say that I am not guilty of smoking my plant medicine. Not so much anymore as I feel I have outgrown all that, but still I cannot understand why me? How did this happen? No one can answer that question, not even the doctors. They tell me, that I did everything right! Nonetheless, I accept it. Doesn't mean that I cannot feel the anger of this situation. 

Grateful for my  session with Brian today! 

Before my session, I could feel the lining of anger, tears and deep emotions that were at the surface, just awaiting to be released. I couldn't even take a deep breath; trust me I tried too. 

After my incredible session, I could feel that I had moved through the anger in acceptance and the emotional tears were falling down my face at many moments throughout the remainder of the day. Thankful for the emotional tears. I will accept my situation with the loving grace of my soul in knowing that the gifts from this situation will be presented at the right time. Maybe the gift of slowing down. Maybe the gift of learning to trust others in my care. Maybe the gift of ???? --I just don't know, but... Thank you! 

Still trusting the process and giving up the control to the greater powers above that clearly have a plan for me! I will remain open to allowing these gifts to be received with an open heart.-Thank you!

Realization to slow to down

So this weekend I worked out in the yard, weeding the hedges. OMG, there was so many weeds! But in all fairness, it hadn't been weeded all year long and was in pretty bad shape. Good news is that it's done. With my mother's help, of course! But teamwork makes the dream work. So thankful for her being here!

I realize that in the prior months, I was able to work out in the yard all day. Break for lunch of course, but still 8-10 hours outside. MMMM labor of love, really! Now, nope... maybe 3 hours tops and I'm wiped.

This Cancer is forcing me to slow down and not do as much. Not really liking this, but FOR YEARS... I've been saying and blogging about how I need to slow down. Whoa, proof that the universe DOES work in it's own timing and grant the things that are in your purview. Thank you to law of attraction for MAKING me slow down. Not the way I would've ever seen it coming into fruition, but it IS forcing me to slow down as I wanted. So, thank you!

Careful what you ask for!

Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!