Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

Heavy on my heart and can’t breathe!

For weeks… months now, I feel as if there is a heavy weight on my chest! I have had a hard time taking (easy) deep breaths. My breathing has been shallow. I feel like I must really work, contort, and stretch to expand enough to reach that deep breath. If I take a second and spend time on some energy breath work it has helped, but each day, it returns to being constricted. I have been feeling sad, weak, helpless, hateful, not of self-love, self-care, and deeply ungrateful. I have been feeling like a victim. I have felt as if, I have not been enough. I do not know why? I do not know what is going on; honestly, I had no idea! Until today! I realized there is still pain, sadness and becoming aware has allowed me to recognize it, so that I may process through it.

I am angry at my previous employer, but mostly at myself. All they did, and I allowed it; was to take, take and take… and for what? Trade my life’s spirit and soul for money. Why did I allow them, NO, why did I allow myself to let this happen? What was I trying to prove? And to who? them or myself? It is funny how past baggage shows up (again and again) In the end, I felt hopeless. Why did I get so emotional? Why do I keep replaying things over and over? The conversation with myself on this has shifted, but it is still there. It feels like the stages of grief. I have pain here, and it has been festering for quite some time. I have not been able to see it. I do not think I was ready to. Until today, now that it no longer serves me and has festered to the boiling point… like a volcano, it has blown. I no longer choose that filter and I choose to see things more clearly. For too long I have been internalizing it, and the results of that has been self-sabotaging myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I realize now that I need to take my power back on this. It was a good spiritual decision to get out of there!

Hindsight: why am I so angry, I should be happy about this, but I am not. I am hurt. I feel as if there is a deeper lesson on life in this situation. I feel as if this is deeper and purging whatever this is will help me find that. Thank you for the awareness, and I will do everything in my power to go through these emotions, feel every inch, corner, and crevice to allow myself my personal, physical, emotional and spiritual freedom.

Cheers to the journey!

CLARIFICATION PLEASE!

I have never worked in a position where someone has taken away my power and made me feel like a squished bug! I deserve better. I am an asset, I am a dedicated team player and I will not tolerate this. This has gone on enough. Time to dig in!

Oh, I just have to get into my house, I have 2 more weeks of crazy… remodeling, moving, and cleaning happening. Then… I can turn on all of my focus in the areas that matter the most. AND right now that is getting grounded and digging deep into some greater questions about my future.

I am so ready! If this continues, I’m going to break. Break down? Break out? Fuck, I feel like I’m everywhere but at the same time… nowhere! I’m so not grounded, I’m so frazzled!

I’ve got to change that soon, or it’s not going to be pretty.