Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

I am so in love with him!

Boy, oh boy… do I love my husband with all my heart and soul!!!

I thought Chase had my heart, and he did, but when he died, a BIG piece of me died with him! AND for so many years I struggled with many failed relationships… no, not failed, just more experience in fine tuning to finding my true soulmate.

I am so grateful for our paths crossing. Never in the timing that I would’ve predicted in a million years, but grateful that it did. Despite our many roadblocks and challenges, we forged forward.

What can I say. He makes me smile and laugh almost every day, and we are such a good team. Yin and yang for sure! AND even after 15 years we still mesh yet continue to discover more about “us”.

His self-discovery and growth have been amazing to watch! I am so in love and so proud of him. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us! Honestly, I cannot wait until retirement, when I no longer “HAVE” to share him with “work” and we get to start traveling more intensely! I loved you then, now and forever!

In my mind a lot! It's been a minute for sure!

Yousers, since 2023. Okay that was a break. Been busy. I guess, too busy! It feels as if time is going at warp speed! It's been awhile and all I can provide today is a quick "happy" update. Things are still challenging at times. PFPT is over and now my shoulder is stuck. So stage 3. OMG!

Happy that I'm at the gym T-F and... out in the yard on weekends! I get up super early. I feel committed to my structure.  >> Most weekdays, I'm drained and too tired to be outside for a few hours. Work is all the drama in my world, right now. Bah, buuuut...

My yard is progressing along nicely. So many flowers. Weeds too, but I'm catching up. 

Juuust a quick update, still too busy to spend a moment writing. Hopping back into my head for a bit, I'm sure I'll surface, again! Feeling so happy in my world. -Thank you!

Short and Sweet

Today has been such a relaxing day! 

Thank you for the knowledge of knowing how to meal prep
Thank you for providing me the knowledge of how to cook
Thank you for my wonderful husband
Thank you for having a roof over my head while the house is still being built
Thank you for my job
Thank you for all the love that is in my life

Thank you for my health

Thank you for getting through my poison ivy

Thank you!

Magical, unwinding gravitational pull

For so many years, most my adult “responsible” life, I feel as if I am following my parent’s words of wisdom. You know the nagging voices of… work hard and do whatever you need to do to make a living and then retire comfortably. BUT something has shifted recently, and my soul has me yearning for living life with passion, love, unbounding joy and living my true self. Loving what I do, day in and day out. Here’s the challenge. What is it? What does that look like? I really don’t know, but I want too!

I feel as if I am being pulled forward and just being where I am “right now” … more so of the awareness of where I am, has become painful, emotional and yet it fuels my fire to explore what that means all at the same time. The opposition is my old, yet evolving self … who has that nagging voice and the fight or flight feeling of being scared. All I can say is, I strongly and wholeheartedly feel a conscience shift and I continue to remind myself that it’s time for me to LIVE, LOVE and BE FREE! No longer bound to the chains of the old patterns that keep me unhappy. Not in a negative way, just not living life to it’s fullest most magical and its unlimited energy!

I remember a time… long period of my life where I wore a mask, alcohol, drugs and all those crutches allowed me to “deal” with things and endure life’s challenges, but in the past 10 years of my NSA journey, I can happily say that the old negative patterns have fallen to the wayside and I no longer think, nor want to clutter my mind and soul with crap!  

Please hear my voice expressing my gratitude and asking that you unveil the path that I am to follow. Lead the way, and I will continue to trust the process.

Love and Light

LOVING WHAT IS?

Today’s beautiful spoken words; magical & eloquently written in sharing myself honestly in this snippet of time. It’s been awhile, I’m sorry for not expressing myself, not dancing magically for hours, and loving what is! You only get once chance. Treat “you” nicely with love and compassion. Be real! Be Honest! Be You! Exposed, Raw down to your core being. Yes!

Can you accept your body, your spirit, mind, & soul? I must admit that I am learning to love myself. -Me! My mishaps, tribulations; experiences that I could perceive differently. Positively accepting myself, the journey of finding the lesson and celebrating those moments. Celebrating the gratitude of all my blessings.

I must admit, I am SO grateful for my existence right at this moment!!! Maybe its because I feel so very connected at this very moment! Thankful for network care in full embodiment. “Soul-ley” Laughing, smiling, and feeling joyous! Hmm, feels so good! -Thank you!

Rawness exposed in truth. I know the {70/30} {80/20 rule}; whichever one it is. I must cut to a low natural sugar, cut a bit of carbs. I am at the gym very regularly, very! (I am proud of the structured progress)… However, having moderation with my diet & exercise, is the goal. Indulge for a day or 2 but have limits on how long things go on for. Thank you for having awareness to ask the question?

What specifically do you not love? For me, it’s my saddle bags hips, thighs, back, arms, and shoulders. That’s a long list, but not all the parts on my body. That means I do love others. Yes! Yes, this is true too! Why kind of goals do you have for your body? Working hard at the gym, but diet is key! Why do I feel such a strong desire to become skinnier? Not skinnier, no… leaner!  -I do have target areas!

I am in the process of finding my balance with food; testing boundaries. My number 1 rule? I must not have a cabinet full of anything processed, candy, toxic… you get my point. I wished everyone in the world would too. Nope, not in this world. Laziness is a thing! For real! I live with a roommate who has a shit ton of this crap in her cabinets. Thankful for the awareness that my will power must always be in check. That conversation you play in your mind. Tell myself what I believe it to be, willing it, into my world, my existence!

What do you want? Isn’t that the question? Right now, it’s that I am in the process of becoming fit & leaner. Creating the necessary habits and structuring the plan of action. Having balance at the gym with lifting & toning; rotating weeks. Food! --I’m close! 17% body fat is my goal and I have 7% left to go. My diet needs to get into check. That will be the only way for me to reach this goal.

My mindset is shifting. Asking questions; real questions. What will it take to make that a reality? Will Power, Drive, Ambition, Mistakes & Progress in learning to love wholeheartedly. Having compassion, love, and joy in every day at every moment.

I want to be wholeheartedly happy! With everything! Is that possible? Can you dream it into your world? Believe it to already to exist. For me, I believe that documenting your desires, sends it into the universe where the greatest power and forces begin. Churning, and spinning the world around everything in energy! Love Gratitude and an outlook on life that is enlightening and magical! -Again, Thank you!

With wishes in sending this in time and space. Setting my desires free! -Thank you!

Here we go again…

Small sacrifices in the decisions you make will impact everything moving forward.

Asheville is amazing! So, glad we decided to move out of Florida. Too many in-differences My mindset is built on kindness, compassion, community, and a good chuck of SoFlo is just cultured differently, that it’s not working for us! So…

Here we are again. I’ve moved away for work and Jason is in the old home until the transition is finished. It will be months before our home is finished building. Amazing! We/I am so blessed to be building a house with Jason. He is excited at the projects that are in the plan to build and create landscaping. I am thankful our lives crossed paths. We were both so different when we met. Progressed magically! I love the space that will be our new home. Built with love, creativity, and imagination. Excited to be next to river; yes! Floating down in the summer is thing here! Especially excited to be blessed with lots of ideas of landscaping. I cannot wait to get started next Spring!

For now, we live in different states. We talk/video chat at least 2 times a day; every day! I miss him tremendously! Chats are not the real deal, but I’ll take it! Small sacrifice for the plan, ahead! Lots of miles traveling back and forth between homes, but worth it! Blessed, so grateful for the gift of prosperity & creativity. Thank you!

Measure what is important, make them a priority and stay focused! Cheers!

In remembrance

To remember the one man; in my youth, showed me compassion and that love was possible. Today would’ve been our 16 year anniversary, and I just want to take a moment to say thank you! Thank you for showing me that love was unconditional, caring and compassion is important and that life is full of surprises.

Our plans were that we would’ve grown old together and travel the world, but the almighty powers at hand had a different plan for us. A plan that I could’ve never imagined! I love you and miss you so much. At times I was angry for you leaving, but now I understand that it was not something I could control. I wish you were here to see your son; how he is the spitting image of you and how he has so many traits that amazingly have been passed on by sheer genes! Chase there will always be a place in my heart for you! –Always!