Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

Breaks my heart!

In the time I’ve known my husband, he has been estranged from his children. Not by choice, but by the interference that has forcefully driving the wedge. He was broken and operating on auto pilot when I met him, but as our relationship grew, I witnessed him becoming stronger; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In time, he came to terms with accepting that he may may not be in his children’s/grandchildren’s lives. It is their choice. It was hard to watch, but I was so happy when he made the choice to accept the situation. Accepting is not giving up; it’s just understanding the serenity for his mental & emotional well-being!

So, today, we are in AZ so that we can soak up some of the spiritual energy that this part of the country offers. On our way to Sedona, we made a pit stop so that we could provide the opportunity to reconnect with his children. I am so grateful that 2 of his kids made the decision to meet with us. Baby steps, but by all means… steps! Although it was a short meeting, we were grateful for the opportunity to see them!

Truthfully, while we were planning our trip we carved out a day so that he could spend some 1:1 time with them. I was going to be busy working, so I thought that would provide the time and space to see where the day would lead. Sadly, no call. I felt terrible knowing that I couldn’t break away to go “do” something to fill that space. It still breaks my heart to know that he cannot just reach out and say hi to them because they were on his mind and he wanted to say hi and tell them he loved them!

It breaks my heart that over a decade of time has passed and he missed out on getting to know his children and watching as they grew into adults. Sad, but I know this situation all too well. I was estranged from my father for many decades and in the end, it is the children who pay the biggest price of all!

I trust that the great divine will provide the opportunity to rekindle what has been broken. If not, then that is okay too. Either way, our lives march forward.  

Unfolding the Heart's Desire

So much has been going on that I seriously have NOT made time to blog. I always promise myself that, this time will be different. I will blog more; I will take the time to make it happen and this time… I quit my job so what was my excuse (this time) The fact is, I will stop making those promises right now. If I really wanted blogging to be a priority, I would make it happen. But I did not. I had other higher priorities that took precedence, and I got a PT job to occupy my time since I was going crazy with boredom. On a side note, my house was SUPER clean, and my yard was beautiful!

On my last entry, I spoke about my feelings on how things went with my previous employer. Yeah, that was a hurtful situation, and the pain was around for quite longer than I really wanted it to be. My choice to keep it in my thoughts. Now it is September. OMG… what happen to the time. It just flew, and even with COVID… it still flew!

I am happy to report that with lots of energy work, love of landscaping, the urge to clean and organization, and time… all is better! Breathing wonderfully and have forgotten about SMC. Truthfully, I learned of something recently, and I could feel those feelings getting stirred and found myself pissed all over again. Therefore, consciously, I decided that I can no longer entertain discussing or thinking about it/them. Let it go with full intention of not revisiting that again, now that I know it is a trigger! Yes, to awareness!

So, I took a PT job, and ended up leaving after 4 weeks as it was not a good fit for me. Clear on my boundaries and how “I” want to be treated. Funny thing was that I was treated well as I established my boundaries right from the beginning, but the others around me… not so much and I just could no longer continue to keep myself in that toxic environment. So, I took another PT job, and unfortunately got soooooo bored, I just could not continue with it and ended up leaving.

On 7/16/2020 before I started that second PT job, I took some time to journal a list. Frankly, I’m sick of starting and leaving jobs. I really want to find my “home” -work home that is!  I felt that if I got clear about my future self with a new job and set it out to the universe to allow timing for the law of attraction to work its magic. Amazingly, I am here to report that I am set to start that new job in just a few days. Honestly, it was earlier than I ever anticipated, but I’m happy to report that the universe has unfolded 20 out of the 22line items listed for my new job. There was a few that were off a bit, but close. Like… I want to be within 20 minutes’ drive to my office; I’m 26 minutes. Other item was if I had located a higher role, but after really thinking about what was presented, I decided that I am moving to NC to take life a little easier, and a step back was just what the mind, body and soul called for. I though that my last employer took care of their employees, but I was wrong! My new employer really values and takes care of their employees GREATLY through all their benefits! Amazing company and I am SO grateful for the gift that the universe unfolded for my future self. I am excited!

In hindsight… painful as it was to leave my last employer… it was the right thing for me to do. For my mind, body, and soul. AND… I would have never been available for this opportunity if I didn’t make those hard decisions “then” -Thank you!

Divine Light & MY Soul’s desire

I’ve blogged about this before, so I won’t run on about it again, but I think this is important as it has me thinking! You work so hard, pressing through all the challenges to reach the top of your career, and figure out that you’re not truly happy! I’m great at being a Financial Controller, but it was NOT feeding my soul, making me smile, in feeling soulfully satisfied! So now what? Where do I go from here?

I have, for years been processing the past and now that I feel free from the feelings of victimization. I know that I have wholeheartedly forgiven all and learned from those experiences. Thankfully, I am open to what’s next. My soul’s desire, living wholeheartedly through divine light and a passionate soul. However, I am not sure what that means. I love to do a lot of things!

Truly has been on the forefront of my thoughts and desires. I don’t know how to pursue this search, but within the things I am reading, they suggest. Do stuff! Considering the current status of our country in the fight against this Corona virus, I am willingly wanting to stay home for my health and the help against the spread of this virus. I am thankful for my health, and the thought of getting sick or catching this virus is something that I don’t want to risk. So, I stay home with a few walk with the dogs. So, with that in mind, that has me limited, but has me thinking about self-reflection. What do I love?

I know that I really love to cook, bake and create yummy-licious delights to devour. I love to work in my yard and create a beautiful landscape, but how do I know that I am on the right path? Here’s my vibrational energy being cast into the world to help guide me on this journey on finding my soul’s purpose of self-reflection!

Thank you for having the ability to be free from a job in order to research my hearts desire!