Panic Attacks

I've never had one in my life! It’s becoming a daily thing! I feel things escalating! OMG it felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. I had to literally self-talk and ground to my heart chakra to just get past the feeling. WTF!  

In talking with Brian, he explained that when we were doing some energy work, he feels/sees… that when I slow down, there will be wisdom that is shared. The vision of what is trying to come through. I’ve been feeling it for months now; I know it’s there.

I move at mach speed, and I’m not slowing down. He is not wrong. I do move, work and talk rather quickly. Too quick for most people to keep up with. I’ve tried to slow down, but I just fuck things up. So, I don’t try anymore. It was who I was, and it served me well. Just not anymore! I’m sure at times, it may ring through, but I’m being called to change.

BELIEVE ME… I’m READY TO SLOW DOWN. My spirit is calling me too, hence my earlier blogs in sharing I’m ready to slow down. SOOOO READY! I feel it! It is resonating at a high vibrational level and by not honoring it… I feel that is why I am now getting panic attacks!

He shared that when I can get myself to slow down, I will honor my spirit and meet the changes that are trying to come through. I know there is wisdom in the stillness that is trying to break through. I feel spirit trying to expand, but this mach speed that I constantly am in will not allow things to unfold. Not yet! -I’m so close!

Please allow me to slow down. I will continue to honor my commitments but need to start making this shift. NOW, not later! I feel that if I don’t make a shift in how I DO things, there will be heavy consequences. I’m listening, I promise! Please to the great divine, allow me some time and space. I am at the finish line with things. I promise I’m listening, I feel you! I’m aware, and yes, it is very painful!!

So just go fucking do it!

I’m addicted! I’m in love and I’m stuck all at the same time!

My husband likes to watch TV and play games on his phone all the time! I can see that these are the things he needs to have balance, for him. At least, for me… I feel that is what he tells himself. You know how that goes… what you tell yourself is true! >>> Don’t get me wrong, he works hard at work and at home. He is such a good man and does everything that I ask of him without complaining! He does voice his opinion, but in the end, he does everything he can to make me happy. I am happy! Kind of. I find myself gravitating to just be near him all the time. My mind, body and soul are addicted to being with him, all the time.

But that is not me. What happened to me? How did this behavior sneak in. In my mind it is so LAZY! Let’s be accountable here! I have allowed the change to take place where I now get stuck in TV; binge watching “shit”. It is such a waste of time. I know this does not feed my soul and is not a healthy lifestyle.  I am working on trying to break the cycle.

Creating space for myself and breaking the energy has been challenging, but hearing and torturing myself in knowing that is not what I want any more is burning this deep desire to break away.

I am afraid that IF I do this, we may not be as close. I don’t want to be one of these couples who divorced or have space between us, we will not/cannot connect anymore. We already have our problems as is. I’m just afraid that this will be the straw. I’m tired of being the glue in my relationships. It’s time that I put self-love back in the spotlight and let the cards fall as they may.

To the great divine, please hear my heart’s desire and bring me peace and the strength to know that I must trust the process and care only for myself first and foremost. I am grateful for the wisdom to know that in my decision to love and care for myself I will be the guidance for others, if they so choose... to follow.

Feeling so dumb

Is this what happens when we get older. We lose our vocabulary, and thoughts just escape at the same moment we think them. I know my memory isn’t the best already, but I have tools in place for that. Jay says I’m in denial, I’m sure he sees something that I don’t see. Maybe he’s right, and I am just not ready for this. >>> That’s probably what everyone says! But for me… I don’t have to accept this. I choose not too! Everything is a choice, and I know that I can rehabilitate the things I choose. I’m just too god damn busy. I’ll accept (right now) that when you make the big bucks, you get the responsibilities that come with it. So fine! Fuck it all to hell!

Truth be told, I’m running 100 miles a minute and I still hate it. The light is getting brighter as the end of the tunnel is getting closer. AND I’m hanging on as things are about to change. I have less than 6 months. Barely hanging on, but I am and that is what counts.

I feel like the very structure I require in my life is gone and the fallout is my memory, my patience to deal with the bullshit. The babysitting that must be done with these adults who just cannot seem to grow up! The tranquil space in my mind and body has been invaded and I’m not able to compartmentalize as well as I know I can be. My soul feels tormented in not creating the space to nurture it.

So as much as I want to vent, and I just did, for the last time. I’ve done it already in prior posts and I’m going to shift my focus. So, that ends today! Instead of focusing on the contrast, I’m going to shift to the clarity of what I want/desire. No… demand!

I want my life to slow down in a healthy way. The last time I said that, and focused on that and thought that and felt that… I got cancer. So, this time I want to do things differently. Yes, I want life to slow down, and I’m going to create the time and space for me to STOP. Here is my compromise. At work, I will continue to work hard. I will continue to work smarter and keep my focus clear, but the minute I walk out the door, I will draw a boundary. I will speak to my boss today and share my intentions for my own peace of mind. I will stay strong! I can compromise in being flexible, but when I am away from work, I am away. That is/will be a deal breaker for me, at this moment.

When my role changes in February, then I can reassess and make the necessary changes, but for now… it will be this way for my own good.

I don’t need this job! I’m ready to retire now and change my focus on feeding my soul. Again, I’m not sure what that looks like, but I am creating time and space for me to explore that. I’ve worked too damn hard in my life to not feed my soul. I feel that that is/will be more rewarding than money. Whoa, I am so thankful that my eyes are open, and my spirit is screaming loud for me to hear! I’m coming, just be patient, we are at the finish line!

Cheers to the great divine for providing life’s experiences, insight and wisdom to know what is best for me! I am grateful for your patience in knowing that in your timing, everything is presented and only I can see things… when I am ready too.

Love and light for being ready and open to making this change!

Here I am again! Rinse and repeat. Ugh!!!

I thought when I quit my job, I could “actually” follow through with it all. I did, but because I’m a team player, I agreed to stay on to get them through the HRIS migration and most likely need to stay on through the end of the year (Feb 2026) to get them in a good place. Buuuuut I am regretting this decision. I am soooooo tired. I am sooooo burnt out, I just cannot motivate myself to DO anything. >>> I want to, and I am fully aware that IF I want to see the change, then I MUST take… action! Only then will I see, and most likely feel the difference! I know that when I attended the gym more regularly, I had an incredible amount of energy. I want that again!

Truth be told, I have never been the same after the cancer treatment and I thought it was that. + after hurricane Helene, the water quality was horribly chemicalized so that we couldn’t get to the gym for several months until it was repaired, let alone staffed again. Jay keeps telling me it’s my age. Either way, I’m not willing to accept my excuses. I wholeheartedly believe that mindset plays a big part and, in my mind… I cannot allow this shit to go on for much longer. It’s too painful. I have allowed myself to become weak, weaker than I have ever been, and I hate it! Soooo, I already hear myself saying… you see the contrast, stop your fucking whining and go do something about it.

Big sigh… I am so tired. I feel that I need to recharge and take care of my body before I can push myself back into that. But when will I get the time to do that? I already work FT and now my mom is here, and she wants me to go, go, go. OMG! Isn’t anyone hearing me. Leave me the fuck alone! I’M TIRED!

I know in my heart of hearts; I will get tired of hearing myself whine about it and will “actually” get up and do something about it. I do now, but not consistently.

Please help me find the strength to just hang on for 6 more months. I promise I’m going to follow through with these decisions. I just need to button things up before I move into a PT role and slowly transition myself into a better space. Help me to stay strong just a little bit longer.

Love and Light to the great divine!

I don’t understand!

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the doctors were so forthcoming about what “could” happen and that everyone’s path is different. It would be hard to predict what “exactly” would happen. That was the warning label I was given. Of course, there were more details, like loss of appetite, nausea, weakness, tiredness and so on and on. But… not a full disclosure of the long-term effects that could also happen.  

Not one of my doctors shared that due to the radiation or if I did experience weakness and stayed in bed for long periods of time… that muscle loss and weakness could have a long-lasting effect. I guess that it does make sense right? Use it or lose it! It was a very humble experience and a hard pill to swallow! I was competing in Spartan races not too long ago. I was a beast! No way, not me!

Not to mention that my hormones would be way out of whack and the effects of radiation on my pelvic area would require physical therapy and ongoing care. I wouldn’t have ever predicted that I would find myself in physical therapy for my pelvic floor, vaginal/rectal stretching. WTF!!!!  I have felt so broken for so long and right now, I am amazed that some of those symptoms have carried this far beyond my cancer treatment. Parts aren’t working as they are supposed to, and others are still in hyper drive. WTF, I thought this would be a 6–10-week thing, but here I am at 2 years, and my frozen shoulder is still giving me challenges.

I am grateful that I STOPPED listening to the doctors and reminded myself to start listening to my body. Since then, I’ve experienced true lasting progress. The last time I got into the pool, I couldn’t swim because my shoulder was in so much pain and extremely tight. If I tried to force it to move as I wanted it to, I was fearful that I would cause damage. I allowed myself to stay out of the pool and continued with acupuncture, heat and massage therapy. I am so happy that when I got into the pool last week, I had full range of motion. Still weak, but I can rebuild my muscles now that I have that range of motion. I still have a smidge restriction when I lift my arm straight (almost straight) up, but I’m confident that over time, that will improve. I guess I do understand why, but I don’t accept that this is acceptable.

Overall, I guess I could’ve gone to support groups, but I had a great support system and didn’t have the need to go outside my circle. Thank you for life’s lessons!

I am so in love with him!

Boy, oh boy… do I love my husband with all my heart and soul!!!

I thought Chase had my heart, and he did, but when he died, a BIG piece of me died with him! AND for so many years I struggled with many failed relationships… no, not failed, just more experience in fine tuning to finding my true soulmate.

I am so grateful for our paths crossing. Never in the timing that I would’ve predicted in a million years, but grateful that it did. Despite our many roadblocks and challenges, we forged forward.

What can I say. He makes me smile and laugh almost every day, and we are such a good team. Yin and yang for sure! AND even after 15 years we still mesh yet continue to discover more about “us”.

His self-discovery and growth have been amazing to watch! I am so in love and so proud of him. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us! Honestly, I cannot wait until retirement, when I no longer “HAVE” to share him with “work” and we get to start traveling more intensely! I loved you then, now and forever!

Failed? Wavered? or Shifted?

I originally saw it as failed since I wavered on my original decision, but I know now that after some reflection, I realize that this would be a wonderful baby step to have one foot out and the other in.

In further discussion and considering some changes, it makes sense that going part-time would work. It works for the business needs and is a good compromise to taking baby steps and not just going full throttle… like I usually do! I am so drastic in my decisions! So, as I evolve, why not be open to this too! We’re still negotiating, but I feel good about this decision. This will allow me to have the time and space to self-discover, to start doing more of what I LOVE! Not to mention, finally having time off to explore.

Years ago, we had the opportunity to provide Jason with the gift of time and space to do nothing. He was able to do the things that he enjoyed doing or just having the time to do “nothing”. The gift of time, in my opinion, is such a great gift. He became clearer on what he wanted, and he followed that path and became extremely successful! I am so proud of him!

Now, it’s my turn to get the gift of time. I’m very excited, yet nervous at the same time. Jason knows that I cannot sit still. I wish I could, but that is just not in my DNA. Honestly, if you knew my grandma, at 96, she was still the same way and my mother… OMG, yeeees! So, working PT is a good baby step for me. Thank you to the universe for unfolding my heart’s desire. Although not the path I would’ve ever thought, nonetheless, it is the path!

I QUIT!

So, I did it. I quit my job! 

Well, truth be told, I just discovered that we are going to be undergoing another HRIS migration. Ugh! I just did this last year with a 1/1/25 live date! Therefore I agreed to stay on until they are on the other side of this migration. That is scheduled for a 11/1/25 live date, so what are a few more months. 

In the meantime, I have set some clear boundaries for myself. 

1. Work my schedule and keep the excess tasks out of my personal time. I just cannot allow those boundaries to get blurred, again! >>> I’m burnt out, so the transition of compartmentalizing will be easier to maintain. 
2. Ensure that I don’t waver on my decision. Stay strong, for me!
3. Stay engaged with my job as I need to give everything my full attention, while I am still there. 

Is this the right decision?

I was talking to my longtime friend, and she says… Kim, you have been quitting for 20+ years! OMG, she is right. I have! Goes to show how unhappy I’ve been in “what I’m doing”. I knew it, kind of, but the money has been SO good that I am finding it hard to break away. That, and the story goes… you’ve worked so hard, sacrificed so much to get here. You’re going to throw that away? For what? You don’t even know! So, my truth is… I’m feeling scared!

My lifestyle will change; I cannot just go and buy something if I want it. Is that true? Yes and no! Is this my brain keeping me comfortable? Thank you, brain, I realize this is your job, but I want something more! Something more than wealth! I want something soulful!

Okay, I'm done!

I realize that I’m done. I just cannot do this anymore. No, correction, I don’t WANT to do this anymore. I feel that as my desire grows stronger to feed my soul, the path is becoming clearer on what decisions need to be made!

The driving force to become wealthy has served me well, but it no longer does! I am so grateful for everything that is in my life. I have worked hard and sacrificed so much to get here today! I’m not going to take all the credit though… my husband worked just as hard as I did. We are so blessed for everything in our life! Our biggest goal of all is being 100% debt free! Yeeeees, THANK YOU!!!!

Feeding my soul! That is my new path. Well, truth be told, it has been by path for some time, but I keep FINDING detours! I’m still not sure what feeding my soul looks like, but as I continue to use my plant teacher, I feel that I am shown more of the path. I’m discovering my creativity is bubbling up more. I find that I am being led back to the things I miss doing. Things that I enjoy!

Rinse and Repeat

I found myself criticizing myself on repeating behaviors that I KNOW I’ve mentioned before. I dare say that I’ve probably mentioned it a FEW times. So, I thought WTF why, do I keep allowing myself to fall victim of this behavior again. Then I realized I needed to stop beating myself up! Just acknowledge the behavior, forgive yourself and then move on.

I cannot help myself; I keep finding myself gravitating to wanting to understand why I keep getting back here. AGAIN!!! Then it dawned on me. I’m changing and as I change, the “deep” old patterns find their way to slip in. BUT and this is a BIG ONE… I can recognize that my awareness of these patterns is happening quicker and that is due to my personal growth. Fuck you to the old patterns, I got you and I want to take a moment to recognize my growth. I also want to recognize that in time, these patterns will continue to fade and eventually be replaced with a new behavior. Thank you for opening my eyes sooner. Thank you for life’s lessons and thank you to me! I am so grateful!

Breaks my heart!

In the time I’ve known my husband, he has been estranged from his children. Not by choice, but by the interference that has forcefully driving the wedge. He was broken and operating on auto pilot when I met him, but as our relationship grew, I witnessed him becoming stronger; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In time, he came to terms with accepting that he may may not be in his children’s/grandchildren’s lives. It is their choice. It was hard to watch, but I was so happy when he made the choice to accept the situation. Accepting is not giving up; it’s just understanding the serenity for his mental & emotional well-being!

So, today, we are in AZ so that we can soak up some of the spiritual energy that this part of the country offers. On our way to Sedona, we made a pit stop so that we could provide the opportunity to reconnect with his children. I am so grateful that 2 of his kids made the decision to meet with us. Baby steps, but by all means… steps! Although it was a short meeting, we were grateful for the opportunity to see them!

Truthfully, while we were planning our trip we carved out a day so that he could spend some 1:1 time with them. I was going to be busy working, so I thought that would provide the time and space to see where the day would lead. Sadly, no call. I felt terrible knowing that I couldn’t break away to go “do” something to fill that space. It still breaks my heart to know that he cannot just reach out and say hi to them because they were on his mind and he wanted to say hi and tell them he loved them!

It breaks my heart that over a decade of time has passed and he missed out on getting to know his children and watching as they grew into adults. Sad, but I know this situation all too well. I was estranged from my father for many decades and in the end, it is the children who pay the biggest price of all!

I trust that the great divine will provide the opportunity to rekindle what has been broken. If not, then that is okay too. Either way, our lives march forward.  

Mother Nature is beautiful!

Despite Jason growing up here, he insisted that we take some time out and play “tourists” for a day. Boy, what an AMAZING journey we had.  We visited Antelope & Horseshoe Canyon + we had the opportunity to walk across the bridge on the Glen Canyon Dam. OMG, I get anxiety at heights so this is far outside my comfort zone, but I just couldn’t peel my eyes away from everything there was to see.

First off, I must share that I LOOOOVE rocks. I love seeing the layers and all the different colors. I love that each rock is different and reveals the time they have been exposed to the elements. No matter what they go through, they either evolve or stand strong. Either way, I am in love with their energy!

Our journey began on a beautiful early morning drive through the cavern-ess valleys of AZ. I am a HUGE fan of the Native American culture, and as we were going through tribal lands, I noticed that many of the properties had an octagon building along the Navajo lands. I learned that they were called “hogans”. They have many purposes but are mainly built, so I’m told… when a man is wanting to marry a woman, he must build this building for his in-laws. This shows that he is worthy of their daughter’s hand in marriage. I found myself mesmerized by the craftmanship of some and had to catch myself from judging others. It is amazing to me that you can take wood/sticks, mud and grass and build a building. I’m intrigued and now have the desire to build something on my property. So many ideas!!!!

When we arrived at Horseshoe canyon, we had to walk out to the viewpoint area. I was so nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous at heights and excited to see this magnificent natural creation. Because we were on a tour with a guide, we had only 45-ish minutes to take in these magnificent views. I didn’t like that, so at some point, I will make my way back here again. Grateful for this beautiful discovery. Not to mention I learned that when we were here in earlier years, this was so close, and we DIDN’T come and see this.

Out of the entire day, I was most in love with Antelope Canyon! When I’m with my plant teacher, my energy is in hyper drive; magnified for sure! AND when we arrived at the staging area of the canyon, I was literally vibrating! My body was extremely grounded, and I found myself just drifting. The energy was so strong, and I loved every second of it! Jason kept trying to wrangle me as we were ready to go into the canyon with the group. It felt like I was out on a different planet, and we hadn’t even made it TO the canyon yet. To visit the canyon, you are required to have a guide as it is considered very sacred Native American land. I was so excited to forge forward and a big shout out to my husband… he knows me all too well and is so patient with me when I get the opportunity to just “tune-in”. At the canyon, it was glorious, so deep in energy, so much history and the colors and layers of this canyon were amazing. I would have spent hours out there!

The fine folks who care for this land are so lucky to have this at their fingertips. I’m in awe! I learned a lot about how the canyons were formed by the elements of wind and water. I also learned that the maintenance of these canyons is not a one-man task. It takes a team to keep a watchful eye on the wildlife who habitat in the canyon. Not to mention that when it rains, the underground rivers lift/move the sand and fill the canyon. You can’t get equipment there to remove the sand. It is all done manually with a shovel. Thank you to those who make that possible, I thank you for sharing the magnificent beauty of your protected land.  It was such a wonderful day!

The worst experience EVER!

Okay, maybe not ever. I seem to recall other situations that, in the moment... it feels like the worst situation. Really, that statement is driven by emotions that are particularly invested in this process. What I do, effects the employees of the company and I do take that personal. 

It’s not like I’m a newbie, because I do have experience with system migrations. This latest venture on moving our HRIS from Paycor to UKG has been a hair pulling event. The absence of explanation doesn’t help. If you think that I do well with “trust me” – you are sadly mistaken. I am a kinesthetic learner and understand that IF you want “systems” to operate as intended, then I MUST have the full comprehension of point A to B and back to ensure the mapping is in place.  

Truthfully, I cannot understand how a company that is this big can have so many complications. Maybe that is the problem. They are too big to be able to provide the customer service that I demand, no deserve! Their communication or lack thereof communication was creating more challenges than necessary. It was ridiculous! I’m guessing their turnover had something to do with their training practices, because the delivery of this project was, again… ridiculous! My takeaway is the same as when we were with Paycor. We are in a boat by ourselves with no life raft and the calvary isn’t coming. We will do what we need to do to ensure that we can “functionally” operate.

Lasty, I’m not impressed with UKG and I wouldn’t recommend them to anyone.

Overwhelmed!

This is becoming too much and I just don't think I can maintain this for much longer. Something has to give, or I'm gonna break. I'm close already!

I keep saying, this too shall pass. Well it better fucking pass soon. I'm nearly at the edge with all this. 

Nothing I hate more than road blocks and WASTING MY TIME!

If there is one thing I have learned is that time is a precious commodity and you only get so much.