Sharing my JOURNEY....

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Chaos



I have been short tempered lately and quite honestly it’s not fair to the people and loved ones around me. At times it takes me a bit, to become aware of the situation until its right here smacking me in the face. Oh, and yesterday… it did just that!

I so desperately want calm, quiet, peace and structure! But I’ve realized that in every aspect of my life, I have chaos right now.

Home; trying so desperately to finish the remodeling project that is going to be “NOW” 1 month overdue AND… I do truly hope for no more surprises. I really want out of my rental… wasted money; I hate wasting my hard earned $$$

Relationship; I can say that it is not on my side of the relationship, its unfinished business on his. I also truly hope that a resolution comes soon. On a scale from 1- 10, I would say it’s a 3. Only because... I no longer am dealing with his “stuff” --A boundary I made to save the relationship from escalating to becoming another past relationship. 

Work; Oh that is an entire situation of its own. So hard to come to work not knowing what is going to spring up next. Are the processes going to change again? Is the President/Owner going to make more rules and set more roadblocks up that prevent me from doing my job with integrity and in an efficient way? Is he going to go off on me because of something I did that was requested from me but didn’t come directly from him? AND I wasted “my” time doing something that wasn’t very important (In his opinion) this entire situation has become very apparently clear to me. I have to get out!
I love what I do, but at this point… I am second guessing everything I do. AND why have I allowed him to take my power?  This company didn’t know financially what was up or down, let alone accounts hadn’t been reconciled when I arrived, and now things are accurate according to the GAAP. In all my years as a Financial Controller, I have never been treated as if I’m just a ragdoll that you can push around. I demand and have certainly earned the respect. I have my MBA and 19 years of experience to back up the knowledge I claim to have. So the hard choice for me, was that I am now looking for another job. 

I really don’t want to but honestly, I made the decision in 2013 to work and retire with one company, but in this case due to ethical GAAP principles and the permissions I “have” to get to just follow the GAAP and the laws surrounding HR –TO JUST DO MY JOB-- I can no longer keep myself in this painful situation. I’m out! I truly strive in situations where you make me in charge of “my department” That way the credit or the accountability of not doing something is 100% owned by me.

In short, I really needed to get some of these thoughts OUT of my head. They bother me. B-A-D! 

I cannot wait to look back 6 months from now and see where I may land in my future and what changes have happened because of those conscience decisions.

Live and Love Life –ALWAYS… no matter where you are, it’s where you are supposed to be.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Making Time



So many times last week I wanted to break away to blog but never once, did I make that happen! -It’s been one thing, or another that I allowed to get in my way. So in driving to work this morning, I was thinking… in order for the change to take place, I MUST make those choices. Make the effort and make it happen. So here I am! Facing the very challenges that I have placed in front of myself. AGAIN!

Quite honestly I have so many things going on for me right now that my mind is racing, and I cannot just pick one topic to talk about. I’m thinking this post is for me to really get down deeper into what has changed over the course of a year (+) and the effects is has taken on me. I feel since I made the move to FL back in 2013, that situation in itself has created a gap in my growth. In all fairness… I’ve allowed it! -I feel the cavern-ness of a gap I’ve created, and the bridge needs to be repaired! –NOW!

I have been in Network care since 2009, and I love it! Since moving to FL, there is only 1 network doctor here, and he is about 45 minutes away for me. Not to mention his rate is $55 a session and his pre-payment option has requirements of being in his office weekly, and quite honestly I didn’t feel that I could commit to that. Since my last session with him, I’ve had some major changes, yet I still cannot break myself away to go see him. Am I running away from something???  It seems that my past patterns have shown me that when the depth gets to a certain point, I find ways to stop myself from moving forward. But at this point in my own personal development, it has become very painful, and I cannot continue along this path. I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready! So stage 6 but yet I feel I’m teetering between stages 1 and 2 as well. Is it possible to have parts of me that are in some stages and others which are in others? 

I feel like I’m all over the board and no longer grounded. AND I cannot stand this feeling. –I need to get a grip on myself. This painful cycle has gone on long enough. I have to get back into the groove of the cosmic energy in which it felt good to be me. In the beginning it was my job, and the busyness of trying to get things done here, then it was timing, money, and the list can go on forever in those excuses I made for myself. Now I’m saying that as soon as the house is done, I can get into a schedule again. BUT I’m afraid that it will not be soon enough. Everything in the house was supposed to be done, I was to be moved in by the end of January. However with all the delays it looks like I won’t be able to move in until mid-February. OKAY –ENOUGH!

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions, I believe in “Today” and “Right Now” –Be in the moment no matter what it is. 

The first steps are to start doing the things I want to do for myself… Take care of me and my body, mind and soul. BUT let’s take baby steps to ensure success!

1)      Get Healthy again… I still juice every morning, I eat healthy meals but the snacking has become a bit more on the unhealthy side. It’s time to cut out the junk and make those healthy choices. Ignore the mind chatter of those unhealthy sugar cravings!

2)      Exercise… I say because of my crazy schedule, it would be nice to walk the dog every day again. Mia would love it and it would be good for my body + it’s only 30 minutes or so. I can stop and throw the ball for her in the water… she would love that!
 
3)      Meditate, breathe and sloooow down.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Reflections



Man oh man, have I been busy this past year. I truly wanted to start blogging more often so I could express those thoughts that are inside my heart and mind but… okay making the time hasn’t been a priority for me. I have had other things that have come up and have been more on the forefront of my priorities. I thought about therapy to assist me in “getting off my chest” but again the time to “GO” find a new therapist… I’m not sure if I’m to that point yet. Self-managing is going well so far. Thank you for Network care in teaching me the ways to “help myself” 

Most of my frustrations are from my job --Just last month (okay it really happens every month at least once) where I wanted to quit my job --strangle my boss, he can be such a pill and VERY indecisive with his directions. Can anyone say “Bipolar” -Very challenging for me to understand what it is he wants, and in those cases, I ask… if I still don’t receive a clear answer, I proceed forward with my interpretation and cross my fingers. Honestly this up and down roller coaster is wearing on me and I’m not sure if I will be able to take this for much longer… still trying but the name calling and yelling that happens with the explosive behavior is not easy to ignore. To me this calling out on my congruency and “me” keeping those lines strong about how I want to others to treat me; frankly, how I deserve to be treated. The knocking is getting louder and I’m starting to get annoyed! –Okay enough of the negativity. I want to talk about the highlights.

This year has been a whirlwind! Finally sold my house and grateful that I had it for just under 2 years and still managed to make a profit. –Thank you.

During this move to Florida, I’ve learned… when you live in a city that has a large(r) population and not a whole lot of “new” building going on, the FIGHT for houses can be a bit cut throat. In the tireless search for a new home to set some roots here in Florida, I finally found a home. Wasn’t ideal when I found it but I have gutted the entire house and started over. It is just how I want it, and will be perfect!  It was a foreclosure; originally a 4 bedroom, 2 bath, canal view and bonus it has a pool. But after the revamping of the floor plan, this house is now a completely open concept with 3 bedrooms, 3 bath. I had some frustrations during this project, and honestly it still isn’t finished (hoping to move in by Jan 2015) but I have had fun designing the new floor plan, picking colors, choosing granite, designing a new kitchen, choosing new windows, and doors… creating a place I can call home. The good news is that it has been brought up to wind mitigation and can handle the impact of a very strong hurricane. Those decisions to upgrade put me way over budget, but knowing that I will be safe, is peace to me, and worth it.

After the BIG life lesson I received from my 3rd marriage --divorce back in 2008/2009, I have been in a lull, still am, but I can honestly feel that I’m starting to pull up and aim for the infinite abundant riches in life. (Not monetary but a true richness in life) It’s about time I move on and get back to “MY” core. I have been so deep in the automatic-ness of living life and just running through the motions that I can’t stand myself anymore. The saying is “love yourself and where you are “right now”” So, I am. 

Truthfully my justification is that I have had so many changes in my life… never really settling… honestly not really giving myself the opportunity. The biggest gift (things became clear to me) I gave myself after my trip to Sedona, AZ was to quit my pointless job at DVF and take a year off to really get down and dirty with myself. That experience gave me a taste of what life “should” be… not that what I have been living isn’t right. It was right! But that time gave me a taste of how life can really be! -How life can be fuller. Full of love, compassion, empathy, and the ability to share our gifts and receive those gifts from others. Wholeheartedly be grateful. Everything in life is an experience; how you choose to act is the direction it will go in. Law of attraction will bring back what you give.

Bottom line of this post is that I am happy that I have had the experience of time to better understand what speaks to me. I’m tired of running, not away, but keeping myself BUSY! My mother was right when she said “Kim, your life isn’t whole unless you have some sort of chaos going on” I no longer want that to be my truth. I want a different experience, and I will make that happen!
I know that I’ve posted on a few occasions that I need to slow down but this is where the rubber hits the road for me. It’s time for change and, for once I feel that it’s gravitating in that direction.
Grateful for everything in my life!

Here’s to the New Year and many more blessings and experiences to teach me or shall I say give me the opportunity to learn more and share more... and to making the commitment to blogging more.

Blessing to you and yours in the New Year!